***Massive 2016 CS and Season 6 speculation spoilers****
I own nothing - just borrowing them.
Okay so there is plenty of speculation on Tumblr about what Shelagh's secret might be (some of them very amusing) but this one from Superfluousbananas just resonated with me for several reasons – Shelagh's longing for a child leaving when she adopted Angela was mentioned in the Christmas Special and also the Pill was a HUGE medical breakthrough and I don't think that storyline has been explored to its full potential. Anyway it is ridiculously hot here and I am inside with my air-con and ….. well housework isn't all that enticing so I decided to write up what is floating around in my brain.
Shelagh Turner sat at the intake table quickly counting up the days in her diary. She remembered another time when she had done exactly this however, last time she had been filled with so much hope and excitement and this time, well, the feeling was remarkably different.
In the lead up to their trip to Africa, since their disastrous camping trip really, her cycle had been more regular that it had been since she left the sanatorium three years previously. She had been keeping track of it but they had both been so busy with the children and work that it had not even occurred to her to mention it to Patrick. Then there had been their four, child free weeks in South Africa.
She had expected to have a cycle during their time in South Africa and had gone prepared for such an occurrence and had been almost happy when it hadn't appeared. She had assumed it had returned to its usual irregularity and she had not really thought about it again. But it had now been three months and for the last four mornings she had woken and felt nauseous, it suddenly hit her their might be an entirely different reason for their lack of appearance this time.
She counted the days again and realised that Patrick's celebration of her new nightwear in South Africa may have resulted in more than just new and creative ways to show their appreciation of each other. Shelagh sighed and decided to organize a urine sample – there was no use worrying until she knew for sure if there was something to worry about.
The following day she quietly added her own sample to the ten that were being sent to The London that morning. She was grateful that Patrick barely even looked at the forms he was signing for tests these days. His trust in her was implicit and when it came to the routine forms that came with running a busy practice he had handed complete control to his wife.
…..
Patrick knew there was something troubling his wife. Despite their demanding schedules he was finely tuned to his wife's moods and he knew something currently wasn't right but he also knew asking her about it before she was ready to speak to him would be pointless so he held his tongue and waited.
It was three days later as they got into bed after a busy day that Shelagh finally found the words she needed.
"Patrick? There's something I need to tell you."
Patrick turned and gave her his full attention, glad that she was finally able to tell him what had been bothering her.
"Three days ago I sent a pregnancy test off …. for me."
"Really?" Patrick's face was full of wonder and excitement. It was the exact look she had longed to see three years ago.
"It was negative." She told him gently as she watched his face change to sympathy, sympathy that she knew she didn't deserve.
"Shelagh, Ted told us the chances of conceiving were almost non-existent." He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer to him.
"Yes, I know dear, but for the last six months my cycle has been as regular as clockwork for the first time since I entered the Sanatorium and I had been feeling nauseous, all the signs I looked for after we were first married." She told him as she placed her hand lightly on his chest and began gently moving her fingers. "I yearned for a houseful of children when we were first married, every month I would look for the slightest sign that I might be carrying a child and I couldn't help but be filled with nervous excitement at the thought. Patrick I didn't have that feeling when I sent off the sample."
The thumb that had gently been rubbing her shoulder stilled. "What did you feel?" He asked quietly.
"If I had been pregnant you know I would have loved it. You know I think all babies are precious." She tried to reassure her husband.
"But you are relieved you aren't?" Patrick asked. He wasn't exactly sure how he felt about that. He had always assumed that if a miracle had happened that Shelagh would have been delighted, knowing that wasn't the case made him wonder how many other ways he didn't know his wife as well as he thought he did.
Shelagh turned to him and looked him in the eye. "Yes." She confessed quietly. "Yes I was relieved I wasn't pregnant. I love our two children Patrick, more than anything. You know that. I don't feel that yearning anymore. I have only just returned to nursing, I don't want to have to give that up."
"You wouldn't have to give up nursing Shelagh." His mind was still reeling with the fact that with the return of Shelagh's regular cycle they could potentially have a child who was the perfect mix of the two of them, a living expression of how much they loved each other. He turned and looked into her eyes.
"Of course I would Patrick. I couldn't have a newborn, a three year old, a teenager and not to mention a husband who is called out at night with alarming regularity. How exactly would I fit work into that?"
As much as Patrick wanted to argue the point with her, he knew she was right. Feeding alone would keep her tied to the house for at least a year and he thought about how much she had blossomed in the last three years but mostly in the last twelve months. In the past year they had become true partners, he truly thought of the practice and maternity home as 'theirs'. She was becoming the amazing woman he had always known she could be when she first married him. What right did he have to take that from her, from both of them? While the thought of seeing her pregnant with their child was enticing, if he had truly felt a need to expand their family surely they would have discussed adopting another child at some point but they never had.
"Given the circumstances perhaps we should consider contraception?" He asked. It suddenly dawned on him why Shelagh had been so uncomfortable with Sister Julienne's stance on the Pill. "Do you want to go on the Pill…or would you prefer something else?"
"I think perhaps the Pill might be for the best." Shelagh said quietly. "If you agree."
Patrick pulled her closer. "Shelagh, I won't lie, I love the idea of you being pregnant but you're right, you are the one who would have to give up so much and I also love the fact that you have returned to nursing, that we can work side by side. I will always support you and whatever makes you happy, makes me happy."
Shelagh sighed contentedly. "I am so very lucky to have you."
"No love, I'm the lucky one." He kissed the top of her head firmly believing the words he had just spoken.