Summary: A separation, thoughts. POV General Jack O'Neill on a song by a French singer Grégoire "Ta main" / "Your hand".
Disclaimer: The Stargate SG-1 universe and the characters do not belong to me: they belong to the MGM / AU and their authors. I do not intend to discredit actors, authors or anyone else involved in the Stargate universe.
This is a fiction for which I do not receive any remuneration for writing.
Genre: Romance - Hurt / Comfort.
YOUR HAND
This office is narrow. Or is it me who needs air? It's been six weeks now that I've been feeling stifled, far from you. Maybe I shouldn't have let you go. I should have found the words to hold you back. But like every time when it's about us, I didn't keep up with it. I couldn't tell you everything you hoped to hear. You came to see me the day before, and my heart had missed a beat. You were there, in front of me, and your voice had said these words: "It's tomorrow... Sir." Tomorrow. I should have told you that I couldn't live so far from you. My life revolves around you. We stayed professional, even when I left for Washington. We remained "friends". Cause I was afraid. Afraid of rushing into this, afraid you would tell me you didn't want me, like me I wanted you. So I looked at your eyes, so blue, that azure ocean that caught me since our first meeting. I told you "I know." My voice was uncertain, and your eyes showed a sadness that was still unknown to me. And I was afraid. Afraid of losing you there, afraid you won't come back. "Goodbye." This word which still tear my heart at this moment. Why can't I just confess that I love you and want you near me?
"Jack?"
"Still here Daniel..."
"Does... Does she-"
"No news Daniel."
I feel this ball that grips my throat. To pronounce your name is painful, I can't resolve it.
You know I'm having trouble / Tu sais que j'ai du mal
Still talking about you / Encore à parler de toi.
"Is everything okay Jack?"
"I ... Yes."
I sigh. I don't like this aspect of the conversation. I wonder if you didn't ask our friend to call me on a regular basis. He never called me so much since you left.
"I miss her too."
He perfectly summarized our situation. We miss you. But isn't it logical, after having been a team as tight as us for so many years?
It seems normal / Il parait que c'est normal
There are no rules in these games there / Y'a pas de règles dans ces jeux-là.
Daniel keeps talking to me, the SGC news is pretty good. It's quiet, especially since you're gone. I take a few steps in my office and I catch the picture that I leave prominently on one of the dressers. Your smile illuminates the lens.
"It would be nice if you came to see that." Daniel says.
"Of course."
I've a raspy voice, my eyes don't let go of your face on this glossy paper. I thank Daniel for not going over this detail.
You know I have the tight voice / Tu sais j'ai la voix qui se serre
When I meet you in the pictures / Quand je te croise dans les photos
How did we get there? You there, me here? By being unable to admit what we finally know? I've had to ask myself this question so many times since you left that my brain gets confused with every answer I try to find.
You know my heart is lost / Tu sais j'ai le coeur qui se perd
I think he thinks you a little too much / Je crois qu'il te pense un peu trop.
You're gone. That's all.
It's like that, it's like that / C'est comme ça, c'est comme ça
So I remember those moments of intimacy that were stolen from the army despite its current law.
I would have liked to hold your hand a little longer / J'aurais aimé tenir ta main un peu plus longtemps
Your hand, so sweet in mine, when you stood before your dying father. When I told you I would always be there.
I would have liked to hold your hand a little longer / J'aurais aimé tenir ta main un peu plus longtemps
Always be there, yet today however I've never felt so far from you. Every phone call makes me hold my breath. What if you needed me? My heart tightens as my vision blurs. I sigh to calm myself. When will stop it?
I would have liked my sorrow to last only a moment / J'aurais aimé que mon chagrin ne dure qu'un instant
We've always had this special bond. Can the light years that separate us break it? I wish you could read my thoughts right now.
And you know I hope at least that you hear me / Et tu sais j'espère au moins que tu m'entends
I get out of my office, I know I can't escape this time. I must admit that I'm expected in this room in which I'll have to put a smile on my face. Here's a new drinker evening of high-ranking officers where I don't feel in my place at all. I'm being questioned, but I don't want to talk. I only have you in my mind.
It's hard to break the silence / C'est dur de briser le silence
Even in the screams even in the party / Même dans les cris même dans la fête
They all smile, music intoxicates them. Then they talk to me and my jaws tighten.
"It seems to be all right in there Jack! We've done a good job by sending her, her talent does wonders."
Yeah your talent does wonders. Everything's all right there, so right. Except that you're too far away. So much too far. And the absence we talk about? This awful impression of being alone even when I'm in a room full of people?
It's hard to fight the absence / C'est dur de combattre l'absence
Because this stupid jerk only think with its head / Car cette conne n'en fait qu'à sa tête
But I've to answer. So I say yes, it looks to be all right. No one should realize that my heart is broken only by the idea of imagining you there, away from me, without being able to do anything about it.
But no one can understand / Mais personne ne peut comprendre
We all have their own story / On a chacun sa propre histoire
My phone vibrates, I apologize to the people around me. I worry again, a call at nine in the evening has never brought me anything good. When I pick up the phone a familiar voice reaches my ears.
"Jack? I've got Daniel on the phone."
"A problem?"
I reply quickly, but I'm immediately angry with myself. I know I should have been sweeter.
"That'll pass Jack. I promise. Soon it won't be as painful."
"Thank you, Cassie. I adore you."
I was told that we had to wait / On m'a dit qu'il fallait attendre
That the penalty becomes derisory / Que la peine devienne dérisoire
I'd like to believe it. She's so considerate. Surely something she learned from you. She also misses you, I think.
It's like that, it's like that / C'est comme ça, c'est comme ça
I return to this room full of generals. No one suspects that the call I've just received is as good as it is painful. That reminds me of your so sweet perfume, your hand touching mine giving me a file.
I would have liked to hold your hand a little longer / J'aurais aimé tenir ta main un peu plus longtemps
Your hand, which stays on my cheek. Your wonderful look.
I would have liked to hold your hand a little longer / J'aurais aimé tenir ta main un peu plus longtemps
I'd like to escape from this place. Get out and get some fresh air. See you.
I would have liked my sorrow to last only a moment / J'aurais aimé que mon chagrin ne dure qu'un instant
When would I hear your voice? Six weeks without your crystalline laughter, without your scientific technobabble. Have I already told you that I just loved to hear you speak, even without understanding the meaning of the words you use?
And you know I hope at least that you hear me / Et tu sais j'espère au moins que tu m'entends
We lived so many things ... I didn't think that one day life would separate us. You know I liked you to be by my side. I loved that you were there, cause your presence reassured me. I loved your serious look when you were trying to solve a complex problem that only your brain could understand. When you said you had the answer and everyone sighed in relief. And I was proud that you were my second in command. A brilliant second in command.
I wanted to tell you that I was proud / Je voulais te dire que j'étais fier
To have been at least one day / D'avoir été au moins un jour
A little bit your friend and your brother / Un peu ton ami et ton frère
Even if life has its detours / Même si la vie à ses détours
Today your brilliant mind serves another basis. Far from us. Far from me. I'd like to say that we were just friends. Just colleagues. Just brothers in arms. But let's face it I'd be lying.
It's like that, it's like that / C'est comme ça, c'est comme ça
My cell phone vibrates again. I apologize again, and I think Mike's wondering who is behind these calls. He smiles as he asks me the name of the charming creature that takes me away from them. If he knew I was afraid of any call. If he knew I missed you. My heart stops when I see these three small letters appear on my screen. 'SGC'.
"O'Neill."
"Sorry to disturb you Jack, but you should come to the SGC as soon as possible." Hank says.
"What's going on?"
My pulse races, I'm afraid he told me you've had a problem.
"Colonel Carter has-"
"I'll be here in four hours."
My tone is rude and categorical. I didn't even let Hank finish his sentence. Your name is enough. I apologize to the generals and go quickly in the car that's waiting for me in front of the building. Your face invaded my mind.
I would have liked to hold your hand a little longer / J'aurais aimé tenir ta main un peu plus longtemps
I get on the plane quickly. In a few hours I'd be at the base. The ball in my belly does not leave me. I shouldn't have let you go.
I would have liked to hold your hand a little longer / J'aurais aimé tenir ta main un peu plus longtemps
Daniel's waiting for me at the exit of the elevator. He doesn't look worried. I look at him, surprised.
"You were quick." He says.
"It's Carter."
My answer is very clear. I don't know what else I could say. Daniel understands. He always understood. He knows I hate to know you in this other galaxy. He knows, that's all.
I would have liked my sorrow to last only a moment / J'aurais aimé que mon chagrin ne dure qu'un instant
Just arrived in the control room I see the Stargate activate. Your face appears on the computer screen and you salute me.
"Colonel, what's going on?"
"General, I'm sorry I brought you from Washington but I wouldn't have done this without a good reason."
You insisted on the word 'good' and I begin to worry. I see your face, pale, drawn, and I begin to tell myself that you're out of shape. My anxiety increases when I look to your eyes and see that you've cried. Oh I know that here nobody pays attention to this detail, but the corners of your eyelids are red. I know that you quickly wipe away your tears after weeping, when you make yourself look good so that no one notices it. And then the corners of your eyelids turn red.
"Don't be sorry."
You make a shy smile, almost tense. Your eyes fill with tears and it takes me unawares. I'd like to take you in my arms at this moment, to reassure you, even if it's not appropriate. Even if you're on Atlantis.
"Colonel Sheppard manages the base right now. I'd like you to accept my resignation, General. You know the reason, and I'd like it to be effective right now."
I catch the news. I'm watching you. You look so lost. So supplicating. Oh yeah, I know why you want to quit.
"Colonel you're not serious?!"
Hank is visibly shocked to hear one of his best elements resign. I remain silent, and I see that you're worried.
"Granted."
Your face lights up with a smile, and I see you're moving away from the screen through which you spoke to me. I also go away, I go down to the gate room. I know that in a few minutes you'll go through the gate. I know you've already prepared your stuff. I know you guessed in advance that I'd accept your resignation without further explanation.
And you know I hope at least that you wait for me / Et tu sais j'espère au moins que tu m'attends.
You come to Earth with a bag in your hand. The Stargate closes behind you, and the whole room is silent. I'm waiting for you down the ramp. I smile at you. I feel that my heart is fixed just with your presence here. You suddenly drop the bag you hold and run to me. Our hug is powerful. Essential. Expected. I make you fly in the air. Then I look at you, and your lips begin to move.
"I love you. Never let me go.
My smile irradiates on my face. You, Samantha Carter, you love me.
"I love you too. Don't ever let me give you up."
As I still bear you, your face approaches mine, and our lips come to seal our words. My heart is finally whole, filled. I'd never let go of your hand again.
THE END