Sweeping the Ashes
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***"I wish you would have told me, when I was young."***
Jack swept the last of the dirt and glass into the dustpan and rose with a tired sigh at the cracking in his knees. He knocked the pan against the garbage can lid to empty it before sliding the broom back in its home beside the fridge to be neglected again for god only knew how long.
The realization sunk in that the house had grown too quiet in stark contrast to the chaos that it had been a few hours earlier. The sound of the furnace kicked in and the quiet chime of the wall clock his parents had gotten him, some years ago, rang from the hallway to inform him that it was now 2100 hours.
'Least the weekend chores are done.' He thought flippantly, turning back to snatch a beer from the fridge. Tossing the cap in the sink with a clink, he surveyed the living room and decided to forgo the disheveled sofa and sink into the chocolate lazy-boy instead.
The Colonel sat in the deserted living room, cold beer in hand, listening to the hum of air in the vents, looking out the picture window behind his big screen T.V. at the snow coming down in big lazy flakes and wondered. Wondered how the hell he had come to be here, sitting alone in the low light of the coffee table lamp in his living room, swearing he could smell Daniels cologne and pissed off at the knot in his chest.
***"Cause, Darling I'm beside myself and I don't think that you know which one of me you are talking to"***
Jack wasn't stupid but he had no idea when his relationship with Daniel had started shifting into feelings that were a little outside the norm's of a good bromance. His position required his full attention on the protection of the civilian scientist, whose dreamy sighs at dirty old tombs and broken chunks of pottery made him shrug his shoulders. He chalked it up to being like his feelings towards street hockey and marshmallows in hot chocolate.
They started hanging out a lot more on their off time after the whole 'Hathor thing' and it was shortly after their trip to crazy town, with help from Ma'chello's anit-Goa'uld weapon, that, while exposing Daniel to 'Hot Shots: Part Duh' over a few beers, they had a 'moment'. That 'moment' left both of them with bruised lips, popped buttons and awkward uncertainty at what either of them was wanting or expecting.
It ended with Daniel hurriedly exiting the front door; forgetting his wallet in the process and Jack standing in the empty entry. His indent from his fist was now the first thing you now saw upon entering his house. He still regretted that he had ever apologized in the first place and was, once again, feeling like he wasn't sure how the hell he was going to deal with this latest development.
***"I'm tired of trying to make it up to you. Sweeping the ashes and hiding the truth. I'm tired of pretending everything's alright. Let me feel, let me feel what I'm feeling tonight."***
Daniel had came back the next day for his wallet, when he tried to bolt and Jack had reached out to stop him, the colonel was knocked backwards over the shoes in his entry as Daniels lips smashed into his own with a frantic, desperate passion. Daniels body, hot and stronger then he had imagined, pinned him against the wall as hands groped and clawed. Fire boiled up out of the two men as they fought for dominance over the other. Someone had kicked the front door shut, someone had guided both of them off the cold linoleum floor and into the carpeted living room. Both of them eventually laid panting, pant-less and covered in the evidence of their activities a short while later on Jacks living room floor.
This was how it happened. Jack was the one who didn't want to complicate things by getting too deep into trying to figure out exactly what they were doing and, to his surprise, Daniel had agreed. So, it began that whenever they had down time, instead of playing cards or watching movies, or sometimes during, they would end up screwing around. Both of them initiated it, neither one of them denied the other and they never knew who would be the first to break. Who would surrender to the other and still manage to be in total control.
There were only two rules. No one could ever know, especially for the sake of their jobs and the team. Lastly, never when they were off world. They couldn't afford any slip up.
It bothered Jack sometimes, even though they were his rules. Daniel never protested and although Jack was mostly grateful, he had wished Daniel would have; at least a little.
**"Wish you would have warned me before today. That you'd fallen out, your love had gone away."***
For months things had gone on this way, until Daniel had discovered that Sha're was alive and then Jack had been dropped like a hot potato. Then, just as suddenly, Sha're was dead.
It had all happened so quick that Jack never allowed himself to really acknowledge what happened. To address the fact that he felt a little like he had been used to scratch an itch. That despite everything, his feelings were hurt and though he didn't want to complicate things at first, they had become complicated. At least, for himself. Maybe Daniel never pushed back because he really didn't feel the same way. This man who slept with his best friend one week, dropped him for the chance to save his missing wife, who tried to murder him under the influence of an alien and been killed. Then, so soon after, fell for some other woman without even seeking Jack out or looking back.
***"Cause, Darling I'm beside myself and I don't think that you know which one of me you are talking to"***
Jack grabbed another beer out of the fridge and tossed the cap to lie with the rest in the sink. Feeling a pleasant buzz as he took another long slug, then, with extra care, set his beverage down on the coffee table. Then eyeing the sofa contemptuously for a brief moment before tossing a wayward cushion into the corner and unceremoniously flopping him self down with a huff. He ran through what happened in the week after Sha'res death; one arm dangling limply over the edge of the sofa, the other draped across his eyes.
They hadn't spoken off base since Sha're. Quite frankly, Jack wasn't really sure if he had anything to say. He had no idea where the hell he fit in, in the world of one . Daniel had packed up his bags to leave the SGC, was eventually convinced to stay but never once sought him out to talk. Then when they were alone one afternoon in the change room, after a short silence Jack offered beers at his place and got a firm "No. Thank you."
When Jack went to break the tension with a smart remark Daniel had suddenly raised his hand without looking up, in the universal 'STOP' gesture before grabbing his jacket, shutting the locker and walking out, without so much as a word. Jack hadn't reached out to him again since. They functioned on base as close to normal as one would expect, considering the recent circumstances.
***"I'm tired of trying to make it up to you. Sweeping the ashes and hiding the truth. ***
When it was becoming obvious that Daniel was pursuing Ke'ra on their next mission out, Jack bit his tongue as long as he could. Hell, he understood loosing someone. Better then most, that Daniel had risked everything to try to save Sha're made sense to him and he couldn't really be upset about it when he put himself in the same position. What he didn't get was the cold shoulder to the one person who he knew he could have talked to. Even just as a friend.
What did Daniel really think of him? Obviously it couldn't have been much, he didn't even feel he could entertain a conversation with him long enough to say he didn't want to continue what they had done. Or if he had felt it was a mistake, then just say it!
Jack sat up, snatching his beer and downed most of what remained in a few quick gulps.
So, he had called Daniel out tonight. Maybe he'd been a dick in how he'd done it. Using a surprise poker game as a ploy to get Sam to pick up Daniel, under the pretense of helping her with the retrieval and pick-up of some artifacts from one of the off base storage bunks. Teal'c had arrived early to help set up and Jack had stocked the fridge with beverages and the oven still hot from finger foods that were cooling on a few trays perched on the island countertop.
When Jack opened the door Sam was pushing Daniel up the step, a wild look in the blue eyes as they met Jacks but then that panic quickly flashed to rage before clouding over to a cold hard look as he stopped struggling and, resigned to his fate, stepped through the threshold. Jack had been involved in a lot of tough situations in his lifetime but the next two hours were excruciating as both men sat across from each other and tried to act as cool as possible while they clearly, were less than 'fine'.
Teal'c made short work of everyone's chips and then, as if sensing a stand off, both Sam and Teal'c quickly explained that she had promised to drop Teal'c back off at the base. There was no room for Daniel in her vehicle, artifacts did indeed fill the entire back of Jeep. Though she would return to give him a ride home after she dropped of Teal'c and unloaded the precious cargo.
*** I'm tired of pretending everything's alright. Let me feel, let me feel what I'm feeling tonight."***
After the front door clicked shut and Jack wondered back into the kitchen, he was confronted immediately with a visibly angry Daniel.
"Whoa, Danny-boy. What's got your panties in a twist?" Jack quipped as he tried, and failed, to keep the bite out of his tone. Side stepping the scientist and popping a cheese stick in his mouth. More for a mental distraction then out of any desire for the processed snack but in the split second Jack let his eyes linger on the counter top, Daniel had swiftly closed the distance between them and painfully jabbed a finger into the center of Jacks chest. Causing him to start and nearly choke on the finger food.
"Hey! What the Hell—" Jack was cut off abruptly by another jab.
"You have no right to ask me 'What the Hell'." Daniel snapped at him, visibly trying not to yell as he glanced quickly at the direction of the front picture windows and, confirming that the Jeep had gone, continued where he had stopped while Jack recovered.
"I can't believe your gull, Jack. That you would set this up, that you thought it was a better idea to trick me into being alone with you rather then talk to me like an adult!"
"WHOAAaaa-Hold up. Pot calling kettle, here!" Jack interjected, but was again cut off when Daniel's voice hitched a tone.
"And that you dragged Sam and Teal'c into this so you could have the perfect little trap? Your sick Jack, sick. I don't know what you expect—!" It was Daniels turn to be cut off as Jacks anger finally bubbled over.
"Excuse me?! Daniel, reality check, if you haven't completely given up on reality for this week. You know the place where the rest of us live and where I tried to talk to you but you basically decided I didn't exist after you had lost Sha're." Jack watched Daniels face flush. He knew he was pushing but he had hit the point of no return and he was going to have his say.
"That's right, she's gone and when you came to your senses and gave up on the whole pity-party 'I'm leaving the SGC' thing, I tried to talk to you and I got a hand in my face. So I figured I would give you space because that was obviously what you wanted." Jack aggressively brought his hand up right in Daniels face, mimicking the same motion that was given to him on that afternoon.
Jack did not expect what happened next.
Daniel had snatched the nearly empty beer bottle from the counter with such rapid succession that the sound of it impacting and shattering just behind his head on the oak surface of his kitchen cabinet caused Jacks training to take over. He snatched the still outstretched hand of the scientist. Just as quickly as the bottle had left the counter and smashed to the floor, Daniel was yelping on his knees in an expertly executed arm-bar initiated by Jack. Realizing what he had just done, Jack let upon the pressure and when Daniel pushed against him, he reconsidered.
"Let me go Jack! You're hurting me!" The actual pain in Daniels voice had Jacks hands recoiled as if he had burnt them touching the younger man. As Daniel quickly got to his feet, rubbing his wrist and moving for the hallway, he stopped with a pained look at Jack.
"You were the one who kept repeating that you wanted things uncomplicated, Jack. Just a big secret that no one could ever know about and I agreed because you made it pretty clear there was no other way it was going to happen. So what did you expect from me, Jack? When you always made it impossible for us to talk about expectations, when you weeded out everything in an actual relationship besides the sex." Daniel shook his head and gave a quiet bitter laugh. Jack was still reeling from what had happened and now what Daniel was saying. "You tried one time, Jack. One time, to talk to me after Sha're and when I shot you down because I wasn't ready to talk to anyone about anything you just gave up."
"I didn't-" Jack stuttered.
"Oh sorry, you just assumed that I would volunteer to spill my guts about my dead wife to the man I had been sleeping with the week before she died. After you clammed up and stopped talking to me, what was I supposed to get from that? Maybe that it was too serious for you to deal with my grief. So you shut down and here we are. You didn't think to talk to me again, so when Ke'ra came into my world and was kind, passionate and warm in the same way you had become cold, distant and closed off, of course I cared for her back! I was, still and will always grieve Sha're but you, Jack, the way you acted was cruel. Then you make a scenario that traps be at your house, in front of the people who 'Can Never Know' for 'The sake of their lives' and you're surprised I'm angry? You don't want anything serious, you got it, now we both have nothing."
***"I wish I could have stopped you before you left. It was a lesson you left behind instead, oh oh. I guess that I was beside myself and I didn't know that you knew which one of me you were talking to."***
When the door slammed shut Jack stood alone in the empty kitchen, glass littering the counters and floor, and for some reason a wave of detached calm had washed over him. Unsure of how long he stood there when he did look out the front window seeing that dusk had long faded to darkness and nothing but snow moved on the street, he surveyed the kitchen before beginning extraction and clean up.
***"I'm tired of trying to make it up to you. Sweeping the ashes and hiding the truth. I'm tired of pretending everything's alright, taking the easy way out every time."***
Now, half drunk, sitting in his living room and brooding about how wronged he'd been; the realization that Daniels perspective regarding their 'relationship' and how things had played out began to gain traction.
There was a lot of other 'moments' running through his hazy mind. Times when the two of them laid tangled and sweaty on the sofa, Daniels head resting on his chest and he had all but ran away afterwards. Whenever Daniel would wonder into the kitchen shortly after him, he would casually ask if everything was ok. Jack couldn't break his own rules and spill that it was getting harder and harder for him to watch Danny head out the door, so instead he just popped more ice-cream in his mouth, said everything was fine, and let Daniel leave without so much as acknowledging the wavering tone of the question he'd been asked.
Jack was startled out of his self reflection by the ring of his door bell and, imagining hopefully that it may have been Daniel, sprung to his feet with all the grace of an intoxicated special ops solder. Righting the toppled, thankfully empty, bottle quickly and with minimal colorful language, he loped the short distance to his entrance and swung the door open to see a somewhat startled Major.
"Whoa, are you ok sir?" Sams wide eyes relaxed as Jack could tell she had switched to evaluation mode.
"Super, Major. Major, super." Yup, he shouldn't have jumped up so quick. Jack gave his head a small shake, offered his best 'trying to give a damn' smile and stepped back, straighten up from the slump he'd taken against the door frame.
"I came back to pick up Daniel. Did you guys start a drinking game after we left or something?" Sam leant her head in, preparing to wait and help if necessary while Daniel got ready.
"Or something..." Jack muttered, then covered quickly "He left early. Had enough fun for one night. Maybe I have too. Unless you want a beer Major, I might have one left?"
Sam quickly declined the offer and left, after making sure he was ok and nothing was 'up'. Jack O'Niell decided that he would have that last beer, alone and try to figure out if ever knew what he had wanted at all.
***"I'm tired of trying to make it up to you. Sweeping the ashes and hiding the truth. I'm tired of pretending everything's alright, let me feel, let me feel what I'm feeling tonight."***
~fin~