Author notes: I am so sorry, I saw this meme on Facebook with two guys on a bed, both wearing shorts, one was laying on it with his butt in the air, while the other was doing full on body spins on said butt, with his crotch, by balancing with his legs stretched out and using his arms and hands on the bed to go round, thus together creating a sort of human helicopter. All the while "You Spin Me Round" plays and the text says "How do gay guys even have sex?" - and the first thing I pictured was Klaine doing it, then the mental image was just there and I had to get it out on paper. Now I can never unsee it, lol :D If you need a visual and since I can't post links here the meme can be found under Sam Kalidi's videos on FB xD You can possibly find it on World Of Gay People too, if you scroll a bit.
"No."
"But Kuuuuuuurt."
"I said no, Blaine."
They are in the office in front of the computer - or well, office space is more accurate with there being no walls in the loft and Kurt is really considering reclaiming the "hideous office space" and converting it back to his tastefully decorated wall of knick knacks. Especially since Blaine has been spending a lot of time in this spot ever since they returned from Ohio after coaching the Glee club to another Nationals victory. Clearly too much time if this is the result.
He is all too eager bouncing in the chair and Kurt is standing behind him, staring at the screen and the plain weird stuff happening on said screen, arms crossed and wondering; "What the hell are you thinking?" But he shouldn't really be surprised, this is Blaine after all. His husband is clearly still a child on the inside. Outside too actually, if you look at the way he dresses like a 5 year old who let his mother pick his outfit. But Kurt loves it, loves all of him. Completely.
"Where is your sense of adventure?" Blaine inquires and Kurt rolls his eyes.
"You do realize that this is really offensive to gay men and their sex lives, right?"
"Maybe a little bit, but..." A pause.
"But what Blaine?" Kurt prompts.
"It looks..." A little hesitation. "...fun."
"Fun?!" Kurt really can't believe this. "That looks fun to you?"
"Well, yeah." Blaine shrugs and Kurt sighs.
"Where did you even find this?"
"World of Gay People shared it on Facebook."
"That's it, I am banning you from Facebook, the amount of ridiculous memes spreading like wild fire on that site, I swear to Gaga. Just yesterday I saw two big girls try to stuff a whole bag of marshmallows into their mouths at one time, only to then spit it out, I almost puked. Gross." Kurt wrinkles his nose and it's probably the cutest thing Blaine has ever seen.
"Awh, but you forget all the cute animal videos. Besides, you can't do that, Sam and I are in the middle of an epic poke war, it's been going on for 5 years now, if you ban me he will win and then I have to do a striptease in public, that was the deal." Kurt face turns smug.
"That actually doesn't sound so bad." He says as he looks Blaine up and down and straddles him.
"Kurt." Blaine whines. "Please don't. If I vanish off the face of the online equivalent to Earth, my mom will probably put out an APB on me."
"Yeah, that does sound like Pam. Okay, fine. Just tell me one thing. What do you get if you win?"
"Um...500 tubs of hair gel." Kurt snorts and starts laughing uncontrollably, hiding his face in Blaine's neck.
"Yeah yeah, really funny." Blaine says, there's a smile in his voice though, as he holds Kurt close, feeling his laughter vibrate through him.
"I'm sorry." Kurt lifts his head, tears streaming down his face from laughing so hard. "It's just so...well, you."
"Honestly." Blaine says as he wipes the tears off Kurt's cheeks. "Gel is expensive, it was a perfectly sensible bet."
"If you win."
"And I will."
"See, that's the kind of confidence that made me agree to marry you, it's really attractive."
"Is that so?" Blaine smirks.
"Mmm hm." Kurt leans in to kiss him and they make out until they have to break for air. "But just in case you don't win, you are doing that striptease for me...in private. And if Sam has a problem with that please remind him that I am the only person in this group of friends who can cook worth a damn - and that if he as much as looks at me wrong, he will be banned from the dinner table in this house."
"You are really pulling out the big guns, you know he's addicted to your lasagna."
"Only when I have to. No one gets to look at my man half naked, except me."
"I like that."
"I like you."
"I love you."
"I love you too."
"I love you more, because you're beautiful and perfect and you smell so good." Blaine presses his nose to Kurt's skin, taking in a deep breath and then starts nipping up and down his throat, much to Kurt's enjoyment if the little whimpers are anything to go by.
"Now you are just trying to butter me up so I will say yes to your stupid stunt."
"Maaaaaaaaybe." Blaine grins as he leans over to press play on the meme again.
"Blaaaaaaaine." Kurt whines.
"Yes, Kurt?" Blaine asks innocently.
"You are not gonna win this."
"Yeah, I am."
"Don't be cocky."
"Didn't we agree just a minute ago that my confidence was hot?"
"Ugh. Shut up." The meme starts up all over again. Kurt can't see it, because he's got his back to the table, but he can hear it. "You spin me right round, baby right round, like a record baby, right round, round round." And he can hear Blaine hum along.
"I love that song." Blaine says and Kurt is not surprised because of course he recognizes it.
"Gee, I wouldn't have guessed, from the million times you've played it in the car." Kurt can feel Blaine smile into his skin from where they are still pressed together. "And didn't you make the Warbler's perform it at one point?"
"Yes. That idiotic Invitationals Sue threw back at McKinley. And we did it better too, we freaking rocked that song to perfection."
"How would you know, as far as I recall you were busy locking lips with me in an elevator around the time they performed that."
"Rachel taped it."
"Of course she did."
"That 3rd place was a joke. Completely unfair." Kurt can feel Blaine getting agitated all over again like he always does when that particular "show choir crime" as he calls it, is brought up. They have had this discussion a million times and Kurt knows to just agree with him or he will go on about it forever.
"Yes, baby. I know. You were robbed." He leans in to kiss him again and Blaine happily complies.
"Mmm. I know what you're doing." Blaine mumbles against his lips.
"What am I doing?"
"You are trying to distract me with kisses."
"Is it working?"
"You tell me. I am doing the same thing." They both laugh and Blaine starts the meme up all over again.
"You really wanna do this?" Kurt asks as he turns and quirks a critical eye at the screen.
"Yes." Blaine smiles.
"Okay, so let me get this straight. You want me to strip down to my boxers, climb on the bed and lift my backside in the air...so you can...do helicopter spins on it."
"Yes."
"On my butt..."
"Yes."
"With your crotch."
"Yes."
"Do you not hear how crazy that sounds?" Blaine just shrugs again. "You're ridiculous, you know that?"
"You did say for better or worse."
"Oh no, no no no. You are not using our sacred vows to get your own way. That is against the rules and even if it wasn't, this would definitely qualify as a 'for worse' situation."
"Please baby, I can't do it alone." And now Blaine is bringing out the puppy eyes which means Kurt is screwed. Crap. He can feel his resolve crumble as he gazes into Blaine's wet amber eyes. That cat from Shrek has got nothing on his husband, that's for sure.
"Ugh..." Kurt lets his head slump down on Blaine's shoulder. "I can't believe I am about to do this."
"YES! Kurt, you're the best. Can we try it now?"
"I don't see why not. Might as well get it over with before the girls come home."
They walk to their shared bed and Kurt sits down as he watches Blaine fetch a CD player from under the bed along with a huge box of cd's that he starts rummaging through.
"What are you...?" Kurt doesn't get further as he is interrupted by a triumphant squeal from his husband.
"Found it!" Blaine says as he holds up a CD that says 'Dead or Alive'. "I knew I had that album somewhere." He then puts it in the player, presses play and just like Kurt feared "You Spin Me Round" starts playing. He just stares at Blaine dumbfounded as Blaine stares back at him. "What? If you are gonna reenact something, might as well do it right." And Kurt can't really argue with that, but when Blaine starts setting up a camera in front of the bed, he has to put his foot down.
"Blaine, if you even think about taping this, the deal is off. In what universe does having video proof of what we are about to do, a good thing? Have you learned nothing from celebrity sex tapes? I will NOT have this getting out." Blaine gulps at Kurt's bitch glare.
"Sorry, got a little carried away."
"Let's just do this." Kurt sighs as he starts taking off his pants and shirt until he is standing in nothing but his boxers, the song still blaring in the background too loudly. Kurt suspects Blaine put it on repeat. When he turns around Blaine is in the same state of undress and Kurt has to do a double take. Blaine's naked form still takes his breath away. He quickly snaps out of it though and places himself on the bed as the video showed; face down into the pillows, ass in the air at the right angle, then he waits. This actually wouldn't be a much different position from when Blaine normally mounts him, only this time he is gonna do something very different and kinda strange. It doesn't take long until he feels Blaine climb on top of him trying to place himself just right and find his balance.
"If your dick breaks off, don't blame me." Kurt quips and Blaine chuckles.
"Don't make me laugh, I am trying to concentrate here. It is not as easy as it looks."
"Fine fine, do your thing."
It takes a little while but then Kurt feels the full weight of his husband on top of him until Blaine starts spinning and Kurt can tell he is trying to do it in time with the music, but that he's a bit off. To his surprise it actually feels quite good to Kurt. His butt cheeks are getting a nice massage out of this and he can't help but sink further down into the sheets, completely relaxed. Little by little Blaine seems to find a rhythm and he spins faster and faster wailing like a 13 year old girl at a One Direction concert.
"I'm doing it, Kurt. I'm doing it. Woooo."
"That's great, hon." Kurt mumbles, eyes closed. "You just keep doing what ya doing."
Kurt loses track of time and is totally caught by surprise, when a voice breaks him out of his trance.
"What the hell are you doing!?" There is no mistaking Rachel's shrill voice. It startles Kurt who jumps in shock as his eyes flies open just in time to see a flash go off. Kurt's sudden movement startles Blaine out of his rhythm and he goes tumbling to the floor screaming bloody murder. A loud smack of body against wooden floor boards makes Kurt wince and he climbs to the edge of the bed to peek over, only to find his husband sprawled out like a pancake face down.
"You okay, sweetie?"
"Ouch."
Kurt looks up to not only find Rachel there, but Santana and Brittany too. Santana is holding up her phone, no doubt taping the whole thing and Kurt knows she's just acquired the best blackmail material of the century. By the way she is grinning like a delirious she devil, she knows it too. Kurt is quick to stand and turn the CD player off, blushing beet red. Silence fills the room, too loud. Then...
"Wanky."
"Shut up, Satan!" Kurt hisses as he helps his injured husband up from the floor, who is rubbing his sore back. "And get out!" He throws a glare at them and the girls flee, but he can still hear Santana's obnoxious cackling and Rachel horrified complaining. Along with Brittany's voice; "Can we try that? It looks fun?" And Santana's answer: "I don't think it works with boobs, honey." He face-palms. It is then that Kurt notices the laughing coming from beside him, Blaine is laughing. What the hell?
"It's not funny!" Kurt shrieks. "We have got to find our own place. They are never gonna let us live this down."
"It's a little funny." Blaine chuckles. "But I actually agree on us moving, I want a little newlywed pad that's just for us where I can ravish you anytime I like." Blaine sends him a heated stare.
"Oh no. Don't look at me that way. Forget it, mister. It will be a long time before you get to ravish anything ever again. This is all your fault. You and your freaky ideas. I will never let you talk me into participating in your insane shenanigans again."
"We both know that's not true." Blaine winks. "But fine, the next time I wanna play helicopter, I'll just ask Sam." Kurt's face is priceless and Blaine collapses on the bed squealing like a pig.
"You will do no such thing!" He booms. "I accept your weird bromance, but this is where I draw the line!"
"I was only kidding." Blaine wheezes, struggling for breath. "You should see your face."
"Blaine Devon Hummel-Anderson, stop laughing right this instant!" Kurt raises a pillow threatening.
"Why don't you make me?" Blaine challenges and grabs is own fluffy weapon.
A pillow fight follows. No one really knows who won, but they did know one thing. Life with each other was never boring.
Epilogue:
Santana Lopez started a group chat.
Santana Lopez added Brittany S. Pierce, Noah Puckerman, Rachel Berry, Kurt Hummel-Anderson, Blaine Hummel-Anderson, Mercedes Jones, Quinn Fabray, Artie Abrams, Sam Evans, Tina Cohen-Chang and Mike Chang to the conversation.
Santana Lopez shared a video.
Rachel Berry: "Santana! Once was enough!"
Quinn Fabray: "What on Earth am I watching?"
Sam Evans: "Bounderies, man. I know you're my bro, Blaine. But I didn't need to see that."
Mike Chang: "Huh, this reminds me of some dance routines I've done. Kudos Blaine, maintaining balance in such a position is no easy task."
Tina Cohen-Chang: "Wow, that's...wow. Interesting."
Artie Abrams: "Tina! Now that we are dating again, we really need to have a talk about your weird obsession with Kurt and Blaine. It's not cool."
Brittany S. Pierce: "I still wanna try it."
Mercedes Jones: "This is not okay, Santana. You should have respected their privacy. That said, what the hell?!"
Noah Puckerman: "I disagree, this is awesome! I always wondered how gay's had sex. Now I know."
Blaine Hummel-Anderson: "Oh...no. Santana, what have you done? He is gonna kill me. Shit, his phone just buzzed...he is picking it up, he's swiping...he is...oh dear God, the vein on his temple is pulsating and that is not a natural face color, he is looking my way...Oh, Jesus Christ, have mercy! SAM! Bro code; 911!"
Sam Evans: "Run, bro. I will have the couch made up for you and the pizza, beer and xbox ready for when you get here."
Blaine Hummel-Anderson has left the conversation.
Kurt Hummel-Anderson: "SATAN! I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN! I WILL MAKE YOU PAY! YOU WILL SUFFER! AND SAM! TELL MY WUSS OF A HUSBAND WHO JUST BOLTED OUT THE DOOR THAT HIS ASS IS MINE WHEN HE GETS HOME! OH, AND NO MORE OF MY LASAGNA FOR YOU! THAT IS WHAT YOU GET FOR HARBORING A FUGITIVE!"
Sam Evans: "...FUCK!"
Santana Lopez: "I think the hobbit may actually like that, Hummel. *cackles*
Kurt Hummel-Anderson: "BE GLAD YOU AREN'T HOME, YOU BANSHEE!"
Kurt Hummel-Anderson has left the conversation.
Rachel: "Um, Santana. He just went into your closet with a box of matches."
Santana Lopez: "HIJO DE TU PUTA MADRE!"
Santana Lopez has left the conversation.
THE END