Alan And The Cure For Loneliness And Depression

Alan knew well, he thought, what lay ahead of him. He had experienced loved ones dying of Alzheimer's Disease in his lifetime. He could hardly bear the thought of Denny's deterioration in that manner. Worse was the thought of his dying that way without him, alone, and perhaps afraid. He wanted to hold him in his arms and stroke him in a way no one had before. He longed to make Denny feel safe and loved, and he could no longer imagine dozing off at night without the big man's thigh clutched tightly between his own comparatively slim thighs. The first time he had begun that, Denny came awake and accused Alan, saying that he demanded to know if the younger man could not sleep without some form of rubbing a boner. Alan had half laughed and replied, "You are so good for promoting wet dreams". Denny acted like he did not like the action, but he made no objection when Alan began to kiss his face tenderly and gently. And he began to rub the back of Alan's neck affectionately. Denny replied softly, "You're not so bad for that purpose, yourself." Denny thrust his pillar of a leg deeper between Alan's legs until he could detect Alan's erection. Both slept well and happily. Each time Alan recalled the incident, tears welled in his eyes, remembering that it could not always be so. Only the Asian philosophy: LIVE FOR TODAY: comforted him.

Then Denny appeared on the balcony, a reasonably happy expression on his face. Alan offered him a Scotch and a cigar, which Denny accepted graciously and happily. They settled into their respective chairs. "Shall we live here forever?" Denny asked appreciating the night view.

"Or somewhere else?" asked Alan, expectantly and open to suggestion.

"I hate to admit it, but I want to live anywhere you are", Denny conceded.

"And I near you" replied Alan.

"Well, then we can live anywhere," Denny confirmed..

"Paris?" questioned Alan.

"Just because there are so many fags there?" questioned Denny.

"I think we are more properly termed 'bisexuals'" answered Alan, sounding like somewhat of an authority. He never proclaimed that he was gay, he just loved sex, especially .when it implied love or affection for him.

"Is that a term which allows us to avoid the term 'metrosexuals' ?".

" I don't think anyone would call you a metrosexual, Denny."

"Does that mean I don't measure up?"

"I don't think you would measure down."

"You mean bisexuals because we both appreciate female company?"

"I don't believe I have ever felt about a woman like I do you, my friend!"

"Well, you have enjoyed them pretty well in the past!"

"I am beginning to think that is exactly what it was: The past!"

Denny's eyes opened wide. "Does that mean you are a fag, now?"

"Only for you, my dearly beloved husband!"

Denny chuckled contentedly. "And does that mean you must love, honor, and obey?"

Alan looked skeptical: "I believe that Amelia Earhart removed 'obey' that from the marriage vows in 1932, he replied. "Sauce for the goose, etc."

Denny brought up the question again. "So where do you want to live?"

"Somewhere they can use a pro-bono law clinic!" Alan answered with conviction..

"That could be anywhere," Denny complained. "I mean could either one of us afford to retain the services of the other at the Crane, Poole, and Schmidt's former rates? Although I seem to remember your defending me once or twice."

Alan sat up smartly and snapped his fingers. "Don't you see? That is exactly what is needed!"

"Oh, you and your soft-liberal heart!" Denny grumbled. This country would have a better chance of getting affordable medicine for all!"

"Sure," Alan replied back, "And if people like us who are skilled at law and already affluent and comfortable, don't fill the need, who will?"

Denny growled, "Well, I didn't make a career of law with a 100% record of winning at court to redeem everyone else! Alan, you are just too impractical sometimes!"

Alan did not want to get into a disagreement, no matter how certain he was of his convictions. So he tried a new (but unrelated to the conversation) approach. He started with, "Denny, as to where to live, you know that often people of our age move into assisted living." If Alan thought the subject of working pro-bono would upset Denny, he was totally unprepared for this reaction.

Denny almost came out of his chair. "Do you have any idea what the women in those places are like? You may be losing your hair and getting plump, but I have had the best women since I have reached this condition".

"Denny, these are often some of the smartest, most lovely mannered women there are! And, yes, now that you mention it, how have you managed to maintain such a youthful hairline?"

"Strictly in the genes, Buddy! I have good ones whether you do not!"

"These facilities often have nursing care available, 24/7."

"So, what ? I have you!"

Now, Alan had often felt unloved during his lifetime, so if there was one thing for which he longed more than any other, it was love. He felt that Denny loved him (as Denny had told him one evening on the balcony, just before asserting[somewhat ill-naturedly, which was why Denny had said before repeating the sentence he had discontinued, "Oh, forget it!"] that his saying so was always followed by a request for a sleep-over) and that filled a large hole in Alan's life. He did not want anything to disrupt that, certainly not any doubt that he was able or willing to providing love and care for the one person he loved most in the world. No matter how much it cost him, physically or emotionally, he wanted Denny to feel secure in Alan's ability to care for him. He backed off the physical insults from Denny, admitting to himself that there was truth in each accusation.

Denny, on the other hand, realized, all at once, that he is 19 years older than Alan. He could see the youth and beauty of a young man in Alan, and then felt the burden that he was placing on his lover. Beauty, he knew, can fade under pressure and stress, (physical or emotional),. Denny conceded to himself He realized that the love that made Alan willing to sacrifice his 'beauty', strength, and (possibly) his superior legal skills put him at risk, as well as perhaps making him a too generous mate. He, then, .conceded to himself, as well, that the love Alan had for him and that assisted living might permit Alan to live an easier, and perhaps even healthier old age. Alan has talked about caretakers relief services for Alzheimer's caretakers. Denny thought that might make it possible to express his own reciprocal love for Alan.

Denny sat and considered all these things, then he remembered watching Alan sleep last night and how he looked like a mid-teenager, creamy complexioned (not a typical teenaged complexion), soft hair and pink/golden face with youthful unselfishness Denny confessed to himself that he wanted these characteristics to continue in the person he loved most. He knew he would still love Alan no matter how his handsomeness faded, but it would be so much easier to 'love' someone as beautiful as Alan was right now!

Alan suggested that they already had a home here in Boston and that they both loved it and were comfortable there. And that indeed one of the finest medical facilities in the USA, Boston Mass General was close by.

Denny thought then that his homosexual rejections of Alan may have hurt him, now that Denny had experienced the proof of the validity of 'man-love' for himself, and enjoyed Alan so much in that way felt himself relax into a happy, if not totally accepting, relationship with Alan, on the basis of the acceptability of gay marriage, as did his State of Massachusetts, deciding that in fact it had no right to deny loving gay couples union, having the rights of heterosexual couples to acquire the privileges and rights afforded by marriage, i.e. inheritance of property and death benefits and the right to comfort the lover in the hospital during the lovers illness. Seeing Alan's exceptional beauty, both physical and humanitarian, fade prematurely in Denny's service was too much for even Denny accept, making Denny, perhaps for the first time, come to the realization of Alan's true beauty.

Alan, thinking out loud on the subject, came to the conclusion: "It doesn't really matter where we go, as long as we are together!"

Denny exploded:"Now isn't that exactly what I just said? I don't need a parrot!"

Alan replied, "No, love, you don't. I was just confirming it to myself!" He knew that Denny wasn't really angry, he was just trying the words out on his own tongue for fit and comfort. And they were very comforting to Alan as well. He no longer felt lonely or depressed or lost and at sea!

Denny traced Alan's ear gently with his finger, and Alan responded by thrusting his pelvis forward in his chair. Denny asked softly, "Sleep over, tonight?"

Alan replied, "And every other night to come, and squirmed libidinously.