Title: The Bench. A Jen and Tilly fic.
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don't own Hollyoaks, or anything except for a rubbish job, an epic cat and a slight social phobia. In short, please don't sue me! :)
Author's note: Set a few weeks after we last saw Jen/Tilly on our screens. Which, in my humble opinion, was far too long ago. I didn't have the inspiration/motivation to update my Jen/Tilly 'Friends' fic, so I've come up with this one-shot (which might possibly end up becoming a two-chapter fic if I have the time and if people want another chapter.)
Please take the time to review if you like it (or even if you don't!)
For the second time in as many days, Tilly finds herself drawn back to the place she last saw Jen. The place where Jen broke her heart with a simple and pathetic ''I'm sorry.'' She's returned to this very place more times than she cares to remember in the past few weeks, seeking solitude in the midst of her misery. Stopping in her tracks as she feels her phone vibrate in her pocket, Tilly feels a surge of hope wash over her, fumbling for a second before retrieving it from her pocket.
Her heart drops as she reads yet another message from Maddie asking if she's okay and insisting she meets up with her tonight. Tilly should know better, really. Know better than to constantly delude herself every time her phone vibrates, that it might be Jen. That somehow, some day, Jen might change her mind.
Making her way towards the bench, Tilly stops dead in her tracks, her breath catching in her throat as she spots a lone figure sitting on the bench with her head in her hands. Jen.
Jen glances up at Tilly, a look of surprise spreading quickly across her features as she notices her prescence. She's spent weeks avoiding Tilly, deluding herself that if she can have as little contact as possible with her, then somehow her feelings will dissolve. So far, her feelings have only intensified, leaving her in a constant state of despair.
Jen frantically picks up her bag from the bench beside her, clumsily trying to stuff her notebook back into it as she stands up and prepares to once again walk away from Tilly. Her escape plan is ruined as she hears the faint sound of something dropping to the floor. She knows instantly what it is, spins around and frantically reaches down in an attempt to conceal it from Tilly.
Tilly beats her to it, quickly snatching the polaroid off the floor before Jen has the chance to. Turning it over in her hands, she can't help but smile at the image of the two of them, glancing momentarily up at Jen to see a look of guilt on her face.
''You kept it...'' Tilly states almost in awe, fingers lightly tracing over the image.
''What else would I have done with it?'' Jen asks, smiling sadly.
''I don't know, torn it up maybe? Burnt it? Y'know, destroyed the evidence.'' Tilly scoffs sarcastically, slumping back onto the worn bench behind her. The bench where, Tilly notes, she's spent far too many hours sitting in despair wishing more than anything things could be so very different.
The words linger in the air for several moments, an uneasy silence spreading between them. Tilly can feel Jen's eyes burning into her as she gazes down at the ground in front of her. She refuses to allow herself to look up at Jen, refuses to allow Jen to see the hurt in her eyes like she's done so many times before. Tilly has, never in her life, longed for someone the way in which she had found herself longing for Jen in the two long weeks since they last properly spoke. Since Jen walked out of her life and Tilly made a promise to herself that she was done chasing after her, done trying in vain to make Jen see that they couldn't (shouldn't) throw what they had away.
''I couldn't destroy it.'' Jen almost whispers, breaking the silence as she sighs sadly, tentatively walking over and reaching down to gently take the picture from Tilly's hand so she can gaze at it for the millionth time. ''I can't destroy it.'' She adds determinedly, shaking her head in defeat.
Jen doesn't even need to look at the picture to know exactly what it portrays. She's memorised every aspect of it, stared at it for what feels like hours on end, usually by the dim light of her bedside lamp in the early hours of the morning when her heart has been aching too much to allow her body to rest. Of course, she could have torn it up, destroyed the evidence as Tilly put it. But destroying the picture would do nothing to destroy the emotions behind it, or the way in which she looked at Tilly in complete adoration. That time in the art room when, once again, Jen unwittingly allowed her self-control to be forcefully shoved to one side, was simply the final straw. The complete lack of self-control she displayed when she was around Tilly was inevitably, sooner or later, going to destroy Jen's whole career. It was this knowledge which had prompted Jen to walk away from Tilly for the last time.
Another heavy silence descended upon them, with Tilly biting her lip forcefully, determined not to speak. The damage to her pride was already almost irreparable after so many weeks spent chasing after Jen, begging her to give them a chance. Tilly was tired of talking, tired of being met with nothing but denial from Jen. No, it was Jen's turn to do the talking for a change.
Jen sits down beside Tilly, turning her head slightly in order to scan the redhead's face for any flicker of emotion. Instead, she observes Tilly staring vacantly in any direction except hers.
''I can't destroy it.'' Jen repeats once more, almost desperately, her voice breaking with emotion at the last word. ''It means too much to me. You mean too much to me. '' She says honestly.
''Just not as much as your career.'' Tilly states, her voice a mixture of anger and hurt. It's not that she doesn't understand. Tilly is fully aware of exactly what the consequences would be if anyone ever found out about them, but she's also aware than being apart only serves to make them both utterly miserable.
''Tilly, you're sixteen. You don't...'' Jen doesn't get the chance to finish her sentence before being interrupted by Tilly.
''I am sick of you patronising me like that. You're the one who can't deal with what's happening between us. And you're the one who doesn't know what you want. In my book, that makes you the immature one. Not me.''
''I've always known what I want, Tilly. Since that first day at the beach, I've known exactly what I want. I just can't have it. We can't have it.'' Jen sighs in frustration, putting her head in her hands once more.
''So walk away again.'' Tilly challenges. '' 'cause that's exactly what you're about to do, isn't it? Walk away yet again and leave me sitting here like a total idiot.''
''Tilly, I don't want to walk away, but I..'' Jen pauses. How can she possibly explain to Tilly why they can't be together when she's not even sure herself?
''I'll tell you what, Jen. I'll save you the trouble of walking away this time.'' Tilly gets up then, determinedly striding away from Jen and trying desperately not to notice the way Jen looks at her as though her heart is breaking. She's almost out of earshot when she hears Jen weakly shout after her.
''Tilly, wait!'' The desperation in Jen's voice stops Tilly in her tracks. She wills herself to keep walking, wills herself to be strong. Instead, she finds herself turning around to once again face the woman whom she has completely fallen for.
''What do you want, Jen?'' Tilly asks wearily, shrugging her shoulders slightly.
There's a slight pause as Jen closes her eyes, sighing deeply before finally allowing herself to speak.
''I want you. But I can't..'' Jen's voice cracks as the tears which she's been constantly holding back for weeks finally spill from her eyes. She frantically tries to wipe them away, hating herself for showing such weakness when she has always prided herself on being so strong. ''I can't have you.'' She finishes.
Tilly's resolve breaks along with her heart. Despite all the hurt Jen has caused her over the past few weeks, she can bear to see the brunette in such turmoil. Before she can even register what's happening, Tilly's feet carry her back towards Jen, stopping just infront of her and waiting patiently for Jen to make steady eye contact with her.
''You've got me.'' Tilly states simply. '' You've always had me. Even if you walk away now, you'll still have me.'' She reaches out, cautiously taking one of Jen's hands in her own in much the same way she did last time they spoke, and feeling a small sense of victory when Jen doesn't snatch her hand away.
''You're so scared of people finding out about us.'' Tilly continues gently, brushing her fingers tenderly across Jen's knuckles. '' So scared of them noticing the way you look at me. But you still look at me like that.'' She says, nodding towards the picture which is still clasped tightly in Jen's other hand. ''Pretending I don't exist doesn't change that.''
''Do you not think I know that?'' Jen practically shouts, half-heartedly pulling her hand out of Tilly's grasp. '' Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to look at you in class and try to treat you like just another student? That's why we can't be together. Because I can't hide how I feel about you.''
Jen reaches out without thinking, her hand lightly cupping Tilly's cheek as her thumb lightly traces across her bottom lip.
''I can't even look at you without wanting to kiss you.'' Jen admits in a hushed voice, shaking her head yet again as though it will somehow disolve the thoughts rushing through her mind.
''Then just kiss me...''