TITLE: Never to be Read
AUTHOR: Kirdy
SEASON/SEQUEL:
SUMMARY:
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp, Double Secret Productions and Showtime. I created this story for my pleasure and for the pleasure of others.
Jack laughed briefly with himself. Very briefly and very green. He had always found the stereotypical image of some sad person sitting on his or her couch, snottering away with a box of Kleenex next to them hysterical. And look at me now. I'm a colonel in the Air Force for crying out loud! I saved the planet from complete destruction. This is so damn stupid. Did puberty just kicked in or what? Jack was sitting on the couch in his cabin wearing grey sweats and a plain dark blue t-shirt. His eyes were red from crying. And next to him, a box of tissues. He looked at it and tossed it in a dark corner.
SG-1 had a few days off which in their case meant they could leave the base but could be called back any second. You never knew when earth had to be rescued from its downfall again. But still, it meant a short period of freedom. Most of the times, in these situations, Teal'c would go to his family, Daniel would do what he always did, study some ancient… thingy's, Carter would possibly stay on the base too being the workaholic she is. Jack once would have tried to convince his second in command to come fishing, but he had given that up. Some greater forces kept that from happening.
Everything was like that too now, only Carter wasn't there. She had gone to some kind of scientist convention in another state. And it felt so weird! Just the thought he couldn't step into her 'laboratory' whenever he wanted to talk to her made him feel very empty. He often went to say 'hi', acting like he coincidently had to be there, just passing by, just to see her. He was starting to have problems finding new, plausible excuses. O my God, I really am in my puberty.
And things were even worse. She wasn't there alone. Some soap actor looking male scientist had joined her. They had been preparing some kind of speech together all week and they seemed to get along pretty well. And he had seen the guy looking at Sam in a way he didn't like. Not that he could blame him. What was there not to be loved about Carter? It got Jack worried and angry. Regulations and him being too afraid of losing Sam as a friend were giving other men the chance to try and steal his major's heart.
C'mon Jack. Get your act together man. Maybe she is worth your tears, but this is just too much. He went to the bathroom to get some cold water on his face, picking up the tissues on his way. He looked at himself in the mirror. "Well, I look like crap". His grey hair was pointing in all directions, his eyes were swollen and he desperately needed a shave too. After throwing his towel in the laundry basket he went back to his beloved couch. Maybe some Simpsons episodes can cheer me up. He passed his desk and saw some empty stationary paper lying on it.
Without thinking he sat down, took a pen, and started writing.
Hey Carter,
He sighed. No, that's all wrong. He quickly tore the paper and tossed it in the bin next to the desk. He took another sheet and started again.
Dear Sam,
It's a strange thing. The words I am writing down at this moment are words I often wanted to say to someone. Just to be able to free them from my mind, from my heart. More than once I almost told about these thoughts, these feelings to Daniel, Teal'c, Janet, even Hammond. But nobody I know, I feel so comfortable talking to as I do with you. And there's the problem. These are words I don't dare to say to you. Why? They're about you.
Sam, keeping these feelings 'in the room' is slowly killing me. I know both our feelings haven't changed after our 'confession' that day, but it created some kind of invisible barrier between us. And I just want to take a bulldozer and bring that wall down.
You know I often have nightmares about Charlie. Well Sam, you made them less frequent. You're in my dreams now. And there are two scenarios. A good one and a bad one. In both cases we get to a point that I kiss you. Just a small, short kiss on your lips, sometimes on your nose. In the bad scenario, you are chocked, angry even, and you walk away saying this is impossible. But in the good version, you look me in the eyes, smile in the way you only can smile, take my hand and we walk away together towards… I don't know… our future?
In both cases I wake up feeling like crap. If the dream was bad, it stays in my mind all day, thinking it would be reality when I would tell you my true feelings, how they, since that one day, still kept growing. If it was good, I just hate to realize it was only a dream and I wish I would have never woken up at all.
And that's only the night version. During the day, especially on days like these when you're not around, I think about us, about little things. About taking a walk together, holding hands. I think about sitting next to each other at the lake, your head on my shoulder. I can hear you whisper 'I love you'. I can feel that love. But then, always, bang… reality check.
Sam… I need you. Every second I spend with you, at the base, on a mission or outside the mountain makes me feel alive. Happy. I'm not a hero at being happy, but you make it easy. You can make me fantasize, and still give me reality checks. You can make me fly, but you'll make me keep my both feet on the ground. You make me a better person. In all aspects of life. I love you so much. And it hurts. It hurts so much.
You've been away for three days now. And I am starting to feel really lost now. Yesterday I was watching some TV, lying on the couch. But I didn't feel like watching. So I went to bed. But I didn't feel like sleeping. I'm just lost without you. You are a reason for living. You are my inspiration (ok, I stole that from a song). But it's the truth. I think this is the first time I write something like this. The first time I put my feelings on paper. How's that for inspiration?
I know I suck at showing my true emotions. That's just me. And the Air Force. And my past. All these things built a wall around me, maybe even a bigger and thicker wall than yours. I keep all I feel to myself and I know that's wrong. I realize that… now. And I wish I could show you how I feel. So often I think 'if only I could give her one kiss' and not one in a time loop. (First joke in this letter, I'm proud of it). But that's not what I really mean. I don't want one kiss. I want a whole life with you. I wanna be able to kiss you whenever I want, hold you whenever I can. I want you to be the first thing I see in the morning. To say 'I love you' before we wake up. And repeat that right before we go to bed.
Yes, I've had a couple of chances to start something with other women. But I can't possibly feel the same for them as I do for you. Carter, you made falling in love with someone else impossible. I can see a beautiful lady walking by, and yes, I will turn around to 'check' her out. But just can't give me the goose bumps, the butterflies in my stomach as you do. What I feel for you is pure love. And that's what I want, and I won't settle for less. I can't settle for less. You are the woman of my life.
I love you. That's actually the core of this letter. I love you, and I'm sick and tired of letting regulations and fear of losing you as a friend getting in the way. I never met someone like you before, someone who makes my heart skip a beat every time she smiles. Someone I feel at home with. Sam, I want you. I need you. I love you…
Jack.
He laid down the pen, sighing. He was tired from writing this. It had drained him emotionally. He took the three written pages and went quickly over them again. These were indeed the things he would like to say to his Second in Command, although the words didn't even come near to the magnitude of his true feelings for her. But it was a start. He laid the papers back on the desk and went sitting on his couch again, pushing the play button of the DVD player, revealing an episode of 'The Simpsons' on the screen. Sound still off.
A few episodes later, Jack awoke from a short but peaceful sleep. No dreams this time, thank God. He turned off his television, looking at the clock who told him it was already one in the morning. I'll better go to bed he thought as he walked towards his bedroom, passing his desk again. I looked at the papers, saw the 'Dear Sam' on the top of it and heaved a huge sigh. Seconds later, the papers were lying in the bin. This was a letter never to be read…