Picture Perfect
Summary: Provenza and Flynn go beyond the call of duty for their captain.
A/N: This is just silly. But so are Flynn and Provenza!
"She probably got herself shot just to annoy me," Provenza complained, safe with the knowledge that his partner and best friend would know what to make of his tasteless joke, staring out of Flynn's car window to look at the posh neighborhood their captain resided in. "And she's rich. Probably busted that husband's balls when she got divorced."
"She isn't divorced," Flynn replied calmly, his eyes on the road.
"Then why doesn't her husband pack an overnight bag for her and gets his lazy ass to the hospital?" Provenza complained although he was well-aware that no one had ever mentioned a husband living with her. The only other person currently residing inside her condo was Rusty who was on a school trip to France and wouldn't return until the following week. Provenza felt cheated out of his lazy evening and he was not about to let Flynn hear the last of it anytime soon.
"She's separated," Flynn said evenly.
"You seem to know an awful lot about her," Provenza narrowed his eyes. "Maybe that's why you volunteered us to go and pick up her stuff."
"Show some sympathy, Provenza!" Flynn growled, now on the verge of being pissed-off. "She got shot in the field. For the very first time I might add."
"So what!" Provenza threw his hands in the air as Andy's GPS signaled their arrival at their destination. "That bullet only grazed her. The only reason they're enforcing that stupid two night stay on her is that she hit her damn head."
Flynn didn't seem in the mood to indulge his partner because he just climbed out of the car and slammed the door behind him. Provenza, hands buried in his pockets, followed him towards the building while muttering a string of expletives under his breath. His partner unlocked the front door with the keys Raydor had handed them and they rode the elevator up to her floor.
"I bet she has shrunken heads and torture devices in there," Provenza snarled but lightened up slightly at the sudden thought that this was a wonderful opportunity to tease his partner.
"Guess that's not the way you imagined ending up in the Captain's bedroom, right?" He could barely contain his laughter at Flynn's dark expression when he turned towards him where he was busy unlocking the apartment door.
"Can you just shut up? You can wait here for me if that makes you feel better."
"And miss the opportunity to see a real life villain's lair? No way." They stepped through the door and into a spacious living-room that, Provenza had to admit, was quite tastefully furnished. He hadn't seriously believed the interior to resemble Dr Evil's secret lab, but he was still surprised to find that her condo was both comfortable and stylish.
"Orchids," he spat, looking around. "How very girly."
He sauntered towards her desk and picked up a picture frame. "Her daughter's hot."
"Put it down!" Flynn commanded.
"You should have a look. She's your target age group and she looks like a less hazardous version of her Mommy whose legs you so like staring at."
He rolled his eyes at Flynn's lack of humor and followed his friend into the white-tiled bathroom where Andy followed their boss's orders and threw a toothbrush, toothpaste and several other toiletries into a make-up bag he had found under the sink. Finding the bathroom less than thrilling, he wandered back into the corridor and opened a random door. This, he could tell from his first look, was definitely Rusty's room. Or maybe the Captain had a weakness for punk bands that he had not yet discovered. He closed the door again and opened the last remaining one which led him into Sharon Raydor's personal sanctuary. He didn't hate her anymore, but he still liked to antagonize her for fun, so he had tagged along just to spite her. She had looked quite comfortable with Flynn picking up things for her but when he had told her that Provenza would come along, her face had fallen a little.
"She needs pajamas and underwear." Flynn said, walking in from the bathroom and Provenza wriggled his eyebrows suggestively.
"I am sure that you would like to do the honors..."
Grumbling for effect, Flynn walked towards a chest of drawers and pulled the top one open, Provenza glancing over his shoulder at an assortment of panties and bras. Flynn looked a little tentative and so he decided that he was in for more merciless teasing.
"Which color do you think would match those dreadful hospital sheets? Because there's..." he glanced down. "... pink?"
They looked at each other, dumbfounded for a moment, until Provenza pulled out a lacy number in a light shade of rose and held it up.
"I don't think we should be doing this-" Flynn began uneasily but Provenza stalled him.
"That sentence was prelude to some of our more enjoyable evenings!" he protested.
"Yeah, and they all ended in disaster. Remember the stewardesses?"
Provenza groaned at the memory.
"But what could possibly go wrong?" he asked, picking up a black lace bra while Flynn took out a few pairs of panties at random and threw them on to the bed, walking over towards the large closet. When he turned back around, Provenza had placed his forefinger on his lower lip like a schoolgirl and cupped his nonexistent left breast inside the bra he had strapped around his shirt. The fact that it didn't close in the back made it look even more ridiculous. Despite himself, Flynn broke out laughing.
"Andy, do I look pretty?" Provenza inquired in a fake girlish voice. "I bought this just for you..."
"God, Provenza! Knock it off!" Flynn begged, but his eyes were wet with tears of laughter. He raised his iphone and snapped a picture of his friend in his ridiculous attire. Both gasped when he opened the double doors of the closet.
"Good lord!" Provenza exclaimed. "Why do women always have to have so many shoes?"
They stared at the long rows of shoes and found that most of them were black pumps that looked almost identical to each other. Flynn grabbed an overnight bag from one of the shelves and dropped it onto the bed, busying himself with looking for pajamas in another drawer. Meanwhile, Provenza took inventory of the wardrobe and found a rather revealing black dress that he held out to his partner.
"She's such a slut, our captain!" His grin grew even wider when he watched Flynn eying the garment with some interest.
"Come on, put it back. We're almost done here. Oh...!" Provenza was old and liked to emphasize that by walking like a duck, but he could be quick when it counted and so he was next to Flynn in a heartbeat.
"Hello, Captain Raydor! Do you think she could be persuaded to wear those to work?"
Next to the comfortable flanel pajamas Flynn had taken out of the drawer lay an assortment of silk nightgowns in pastel colors that Provenza could imagine to look rather seductive if worn.
"We have to go," Flynn said in a flat voice. At the door he turned around and gave Provenza the once-over, grinning slightly. "You're still wearing that bra."
Slightly regretfully, Provenza took off his captain's lingerie and placed it back in the drawer, slamming it shut with vigor. "You're no fun, Flynn. Gotta send me that picture though!"
Send the pic already. Julio wants to see it, too! Andy glanced at his phone and groaned at Provenza's sixth text this evening.
"Something the matter?" Sharon asked from the bed. "If it's urgent, you may just leave me alone." She smiled. "You've done quite enough for today, Lieutenant."
He looked at the bandage around her shoulder and the strand of hair at her temple that was still matted with the blood from her head injury. She looked tired but okay.
"Nah, let me just deal with this." With an exasperated sigh, he scrolled through his phone's memory to find the picture he had taken earlier, glancing at his captain from time to time. He felt guilty for picturing her in the clothes he had seen when she was in such a state. Poor Sharon Raydor had fallen victim to an outraged suspect with a gun and he didn't envy her for having to stay at the hospital for two nights. At least he had made sure she wasn't forced to wear the uncomfortable hospital gown all the time.
He hit 'send' but only when her phone next to her on the table buzzed, he realized his mistake. Thinking about her while texting Provenza, he had ended up sending the picture to her by accident.
"That's probably my daughter. She's been worried sick," she explained and picked up the phone before he could intervene. Even before she gave him the darkest glare he'd ever been on the receiving end of, he knew that he and Provenza had once again screwed up.