Do you know how many people I've shot and killed? No? Well, me either, I stopped counting after twenty-five mostly because I was sick of having tally marks representing dead men on the board where my grocery list should be. I knew what I signed up for, I knew I'd be taking lives, I knew I'd be responsible for putting people in the ground, but I loved every aspect of my job, except that. Being on this elite team of agents means no emotion, you can't break, Callen doesn't, Sam doesn't, and Deeks doesn't. Just because I'm the only girl agent doesn't mean I can. I've built my weight up to the top with these guys, who I am now lucky enough to call my friends, practically family, and they don't see my any different just because I'm a female, I can handle my own and they know it. But sometimes a case fucks you up and sometimes you have to break, but I have never done it outside the comfort of my apartment or around anyone, it's not me. I've built myself to not need anyone ever and I've built myself to not show emotion. I don't really know how happened this time.
I've been undercover so many times before, killed people undercover, watched people be killed undercover, and almost been killed undercover. All while my team watched and saved my ass each time. I was undercover as a cat burglar, going after Stanley King, he was notorious for killing his team after the job was done, and he almost killed me but the guys saved me right in time.
The thing that was weird for me was King shot and killed one of his guys right in front of me with no warning, and I knew Deeks would freak as soon as he heard the gun shot, but he waited to come running until King was gone, but you know something? I have no idea how long I stood there staring at the guy he had just killed, just staring. Like I'd never seen a dead body before. Deeks pulled me back into reality by putting his hand on my shoulder.
"Kensi…are you alright?" Deeks asked me with more concern in his voice then usual.
"Yeah, fine." I said back trying to mask how upset I was by this.
"Yeah, you're always fine aren't you? Listen, I'll clean this up, go wait for me in the car."
"No, I'm fine, I'll do it."
"Kens, go wait for me in the car I'll be right there."
And for some reason, I did. Maybe it was because I needed to sort out my thoughts or maybe it was because I really didn't want to deal with his dead body, I was sick of dead bodies. I ended up convincing myself I was just tired, needed a nap and that's why I acted like that, all emotional and shit. But, I was pulled out of my thoughts by my cell phone, it was Nell.
"Hey Nell, how's it going?"
"I was just going to ask you the same thing…how are you Kensi? I heard what happened.
"Jesus why does everyone keep asking me what's wrong? I'm fine. F-I-N-E. Fine."
"Uh, yeah if you say so. I was actually calling to see if you wanted to come over whenever this case is done and watch movies and I don't know…talk. We haven't hung out in a while."
"Yeah, I'm not sure when this is going to be done and over with but sure, we'll see."
"Ok, well if you want to talk, you know my number."
And then she hung up. Fuck Blye this is why you have no friends because you push everyone away who wants to help you. Deeks. Nell. Everyone.
Anyway, now the case is over, King is dead, I'm alive and I think I've only added two new dead people to my tally, not that I'm keeping it anymore, I have a grocery list now. And I still don't know how I feel about killing two more people, almost dying, and having Deeks and Nell both ask me if I'm fine when they knew I wasn't and I denied everything.
I finally went back to my apartment and slumped on the couch flipping through channels, when all of the sudden, the whole fucking day caught up to me, or actually, the whole fucking month caught up to me, maybe even the past six months because I can't remember when the last time I cried was. And I'm letting out all this fucking emotion all this nasty shit I hate, when I hear a knock at my door.
Nell.
Fuck, Nell was at my door, I'm not wearing any pants and I'm sobbing. Cool. Okay.
"Kensi? It's me, Nell…uh…are you in there? Will you answer the door? I saw how fast you took off after the debrief. The guys were worried, they wanted to come after you…so you could have all four of them here, but it's just me. Please Kensi?"
I didn't answer.
"Ok. Well, I'll see you tomorrow? I'm leaving now. It's all right. But I can hear you breathing like a fucking dog in there."
I still didn't answer.
I heard her car turn on and drive away.
Kensi Blye doesn't break in front of anyone.