Forgive the name.
A/N as of 11 May: I've noticed that nearly one-third of the people who read the first chapter don't go on, so I figure it has something to do with this chapter being a little bit… odd. I swear, it gets better. I was really out of it when I wrote this chapter (like, sleep-deprived and subsisting on caffeine out of it), so it's crazy and I've been trying to edit it. Please don't be turned off by the insanity of this chapter.)
Summary:
My name is Lily Evans and I hate a lot of things. In fact, my
friends have compiled a detailed list of all the things I hate,
taking up 17 rolls of parchment, 3 paper cups, 6 napkins, and 2
t-shirts, but they pay special attention to James Potter and
relieving me of my hatred of him. They have been paying such
attention to him for the past 5 and a half years. I have come to the
conclusion that it's their life's mission to get me to date him.
Over my dead body. Disclaimer: HA!
Hate is Such a Strong Word
Chapter One: Helloooo, Armageddon.
I hate the world. With a burning, fiery passion. If I knew how, I'd be wishing a few Black Deaths upon the world right about now.
In fact, I am. Hopefully, by this time tomorrow, Armageddon would have struck and Snape can kiss my foot for all I care after that. Then again, this being Armageddon I'm talking about, I don't think there'd be a foot for Snape to kiss. Come to think of it, there probably wouldn't be a Snape to kiss it either. Or anything else, for that matter.
Actually, if Armageddon came, I might just end up whimpering in some corner of the common room, muttering nonsense about yellow snowdrifts and beating someone up with a stuffed cat. I do that when I get nervous, start saying weird things. I once confessed my entire life story, complete with gruesome details about the time I got the "birds and the bees" talk from a random stranger in the tube because I asked him how to find a restaurant and he thought I asked to go home with him, to a dying parakeet because I was worried about it and wanted to make it live.
It keeled over and died before I even finished my story. Which should tell anyone just how mind-numbingly boring my life really is.
But the fact that my life story has been known to bore a parakeet to death is not important. What is important is the fact that Armageddon can hurry up and kick Snape into the next millennia (while ignoring me) so I don't have to waste my energy on it. It takes a pretty awesome kick to reach the next millennia, you know, and I need my strength for Quiddich.
Because I play it.
Yes.
All the time.
Every day, in fact.
I fit it into my schedule in between lying through my teeth and looking like a geek in the library. But anyway, I'd have to kick him pretty hard, and drop-kicking greasy Slytherins really isn't my thing. So, I want Armageddon to attack him for me, as I'm totally sure God (or Great Spirit if that's your thing) would just say, "Okay, Lily, here's the apocalypse, just for you, so you can get revenge on a greasy git who annoys the hell out of you."
Or not.
Anyway, thanks to Mr. I-Never-Wash-My-Hair-Because-I-Suck-And-Somehow-Think-This-Makes-Me-Look-Intellectual-Or-Hot-Or-Interesting-Which-It-Doesn't-But-I-Have-Such-A-Huge-Stick-Up-My-Arse-That-I-Can't-Tell-That-I-Look-Like-A-Disgusting-Idiot-Nor-That-I-Act-Like-A-Slimy-Bastard, I have two detentions.
Okay, so maybe the name was a bit much, but when I get mad, I usually turn completely incomprehensible (it's that redhead temper, ya know), so be glad I even came up with something other than random screams and inarticulate yells (complete with the oh-so-wonderful voice breakage. Oh, that's nice). Anyway, Mr. Bastard got me two detentions. With Slughorn, which is disturbing in and of itself. In fact, my friend Jenn says that Snape really didn't do anything much, but Slughorn just wanted to get me alone with him.
When God grants me mercy and lends me the apocalypse, Jenn is going to be the first to go.
But now, I'm starting to think there may be something to it. I never thought of it before, but he does fawn on me an awful lot, and he's always inviting me to his stupid Slug Club parties. First couple of years, I went to be polite, but then I grew a brain (or the will to survive just took over) and I started making up excuses.
I went through the good ones pretty fast, though, so now I'm on joining an underground cult that worships slugs and one of the cardinal rules is that I not fraternize with anything involving the sacred word.
So it's not my best idea. At least it got him to leave me alone, even though he sent me a business card from the Spell Damage ward of St. Mungo's. At least it wasn't a get-well card.
Anyhow, I've got two detentions with Slughorn next week, all because Snape and his stupid, uh, Snape-ness had to go and point out the homework from yesterday (an essay on some crap or other that I didn't do because I, uh, forgot), so Slughorn gave me a detention. I think Snape somehow knew I didn't have it either, because when I started panicking about it, he gave me this crazy look like he was gloating or something. It kind of made him look like a puffer fish, you know, those poisonous Japanese things that freak out when you touch them and suddenly poof into balloons. So, I was showing Jenn my lovely drawing of Severus "Blowfish" Snape, when Slughorn spotted it.
And gave me another detention and reprimanded me about not making fun of my fellow students. The worst part is, looking back, I think I saw this odd gleam of joy or something in his eyes when he did it, so I might have to enlist bodyguards.
And I still have to do the homework I neglected and turn it in tomorrow or face yet another detention. The man's either a sadist or pedophile, and I'm not sure which is worse."Heeeeeellooooooo, Lily!" I whip around, getting this awful crick in my neck when I do it, too. In fact I might have broken something. Anyway, there's Jenn, looking a little too happy. "What are you doing to the table?" So I've been having some fun with a knife and an apple. Sue me.
"Nothing." And it's back to apple stabbage I go.
"Then what's all this white stuff on the table?" Okay, maybe there isn't much apple left to demolish, but I've been at it for an hour, fuming all the while, so forgive me. "Is that… Is that apple?"
"It was."
"Why are you killing the poor, defenseless apples?" Jenn deadpans. Maybe I should explain something. Jenn likes nature well enough and all, but ever since Jenn's mother turned mondo-hippie-tree-hugger, we've both had a little more than our fair share of fun with it. In fact, it's borderline sickening how much fun we have with Mrs. Defunkto (Okay, so her name's really DeFacta, another strange thing she picked up, but Defunkto is a perfect nickname for her. And her real last name is Roberts, and that's what Jenn's name is. But for some reason, Jenn's mother though DeFacta was better. I hear she came across the phrase "de facto" in a dictionary somewhere and misread it but made it her legal last name anyway. I blame it on drugs. Jenn's dad calls it "groovy" and I wonder just how desperate they are to regain their youth. Jenn has a strange family.)
"Because they look like Slughorn."
"Slughorn looks like a random smattering of mushy whiteish pulp?" I glare at it, then in the vague direction of Jenn, which harder than it looks because she's behind me and I can't twist my body that far around without permanently damaging anything too important. I tried it earlier, remember? Yeah, pain is still there.
"He will when I'm through with him."
"Wow, Lily, gonna shag him that hard?" Before Jenn can rescind her foul and horrific statement, I've scooped up all of the apple mush and, standing up so I can actually face her, rubbed it into her hair.
What?
It'll come out eventually, and besides, guys like apple scent. I'm halfway to the portrait hole when Mr. Next-On-My-Armageddon-List himself comes through the entrance: Sirius Black.
Don't get me wrong. Sirius is fine (okay, so he's really fine, but that's not what I meant), but he's kind of annoying. And by kind of I mean really. And he has this weird infatuation with dogs, every female on the face of the planet, and suits of armor. I hear he even smuggled one into his dorm. And he's taken to asking me out on behalf of his little friend Potter every freakin' day. Let me say, that got old about 5 years ago.
Except, when Potter asked me out, he at least made a fool of only himself. No, Sirius goes and makes me look like an idiot by pulling some prank or something and then says he'll stop if I agree to go out with Prongs.
I'm sorry, but any guy whose nickname involves the horns on a deer has got to be a total loser.
Unfortunately, I'm the only one who thinks this.
"Hey, Lils, do you… want… to…" He breaks off, staring at Jenn with an odd look in his face. "Uh, Roberts? Do I even want to know what that is?"
Jenn is still gaping at me with this sort of, I dunno, fury in her eyes. But she snaps out of it and I know, oh I know, I'm going to regret my apple attack. In fact, here it comes, vindication on the part of Jenn, 3… 2…
"It's Lily's revenge," Hmm, not so bad. "Because I figured her and Slughorn out." Okay, so bad. She's saying this to Sirius Black. It'll be all over the school in an hour.
"Huh?"
"JENN!" I yell and turn to her before realizing that this could be my one chance to make them leave me alone. Desperate times, right? "You weren't supposed to tell anyone! That's a SECRET! I hate you, you're such a horrible friend!"
Lily's Acting Skills: Worse than the cat's litterbox. But, judging by the look on Jenn's face (utter and total disgust) I fooled her. I'm giving her the ultra-secret eye-motions to say that it's all a ploy, but Jenn can't read ultra-secret eye-motions and, pissed off as she is, she probably wouldn't care even if she could.
"W-a-a-a-a-it a second…" And it dawns on Black's face. For a second, he looks repulsed, but then he seems to get it. Damn. "Oh, ha ha. You're a really shit actor, Evans. Anyway, I was going to ask if you wanted to go out with James, but I guess you'll have to get ready to meet Slughorn." And he walks up to his dorm, laughing at his own (not-funny) joke.
Jenn gives me a weird look. "What was that about a secret?"
I just sigh and head up to my own dorm to wash the apple guts off my hand. I hate the world.
--
Sure enough, an hour after previous conversation, the rumor mill at the school had churned out that Lily Evans is sleeping with/madly in love with/adores/snogs in her spare time/wants to sleep with Professor Slughorn.
I hate Sirius, but then again, this could be Jenn. That woman can be vindictive. And you wouldn't think it to look at her. I mean, she's short. And she's the prime example of a ditzy blonde. And I'm sort of tallish, sort of not-ish, red hair, green eyes, la dee dah, Irish and all, ya know. Except that I'm British and I don't think anyone in my family is Irish.
Wow, I get off topic about every fourth word. Actually, it's more like 19th, but still. And there it is again. Off topic by the 9th word. I must be getting better at it.
Anyway, the whole school thinks there's something between me and Sluggy, and I feel rather mentally violated if I do say so myself. Actually, I don't think that's the right way to use that phrase but I like it, if I do say so myself.
Anyway, I think I need to go to sleep before the house-elves attack me, something which, sadly, has happened before. It was a painful experience, and I still have nightmares of the incident. I swear, those things hate me.
Actually, looking at the house-elves that are crowding around me (4 AM in the common room with the essay otherwise known as death is fun. And by fun I mean not. House-elves scare the crap out of me), that's not so much a stretch.
But, yeah. I'm apparently Slughorn's secret lover. I was approached by no less than 30 underclassmen wanting know exactly where they could get these drugs. I told them to piss off and shut up. Which probably incited rumors that I'm pregnant or something.
Oh, God. That's a terrible mental image.
Jesusjesusjesusjesusjesusjesusjesusjesusjesusjesusjesusjesusjesus.
I hate the world.