I Wanted Him

A Star Trek Fanfiction

This is my first attempt at writing Star Trek fanfiction and the debut story to my new account. I felt that, growing up and reaching new highs demanded that I start a new chapter with a new name. I hope you enjoy the stories; I'm no longer grasping for reviews, but rather honing my artistic skills in the ways of words. I enjoy writing it just as much as I'm sure you enjoy reading it.

Now without further ado, the story.

Chapter One:

To Want Me

My name is Jen T. Kirk, Captain of the Enterprise, and I do not believe in no-win scenarios.

There have been many scuffles and all-out battles as we encountered new lifeforms and newer planets. Some have been for the beneficial while most have been for nothing more than senseless violence. We have lost little of the crew, but even that much weighs in the mind as we press on for the sake of exploration. Just how much of this is necessary? How do you tell someone's mother, father, wife, or husband that their loved one will not be returning home? How do we come to this conclusion to serve the federation at the risk of our lives and the peace of mind of our families?

I wish I could ask my father that.

George Kirk was a war hero, there's no denying that. In the few precious minutes he commanded the USS Kelvin, he managed to save many lives and go down in history as a courageous soul. . . leaving behind a wife and an infant daughter. Understand that I do not hate my father in the slightest; if anything, I try to emulate him in his actions and be the child I knew he would be proud to call his own. It is that single-minded determination to place other life and more important duties above himself that drives me to the brink of madness. Now as I stand before the man I have come to call my greatest friend while hugging the woman whom, unknowingly, has come to be my biggest rival.

Coming into Starfleet as I did, it was no secret that I was a cocky bitch. Everything seemed to come with ease academically; there was no hesitation to flaunt it. Teachers were exasperated with me and Bones, dear Bones, is an angel if you ever met one. He had to put up with me the most. Hell, I crashed in his dorm so often to sleep off a hangover or bug the hell out of him, his roommate decided to take my place. You could say I did my roommate a favor, it was the first time I was a bridesmaid.

Bride.

When the distress signal from Vulcan came through I was being chewed out at a disciplinary hearing, happily thinking about decking a coincidentally Vulcan bastard. Just because I beat his damn test he gets personal. . . low. . .

Anyway, that was the start of hell and then some. So much carnage, so many revelations, so much to take in at one time. One minute I'm bar chick in Iowa, the next, I'm commanding the Enterprise with said bastard at my side. The guy who stranded me in a fucking ice hell. The guy who was two seconds from knocking my block off had I been a dude. The guy who chose to trust me when the chips were down and everything seemed impossible.

The guy I just had to fall for.

Sitting among the happy and cheery souls, I felt like a blight, an ink stain on white silk. I wanted nothing more than to crawl into my bed and sleep for a couple of days, or at least throw a few more back of good measure. But what kind of captain does that? The morale of the crew was high and a happy crew was a working crew. Even Bones was smiling and carrying on conversation. He gave somewhat of a grin as he chastely hugged Uhura and nodded curtly to Spock. Spock who never seemed to change moods unless someone provoked him.

"What's the matter Captain? You seem a little down to be at a party. Usually you're the one we have to calm down."

I could only smile looking at Sulu, remembering the showdown on the drill and the way he worked a sword in battle. The respect I gained from that moment only grew as the years passed. As a pilot and as a crewman, he has yet to fail me. Those concerned eyes examining me with scrutiny almost made me want to hide away somewhere, was I that unfortunate looking?

". . . I'm just fatigued. With all that's been going on lately, it's nice to just sit back a relax a little. Don't worry about me, enjoy the party; I think I'm bowing out."

". . . If you're sure. I'll ask Bones to check in on you later."

I genuinely smiled at that, "Bones knows everything. Trust me, once he notices I'm gone, he'll probably beat me to my room."

And it was that easy to slip away, into the quiet hallways of the Enterprise on to my room; a space I've been occupying frequently in the last few weeks.

It wasn't supposed to happen, and I'm not even sure how it happened. On missions, negotiating treaties, saving lives, naturally your First Officer is by your side to assist you. Through scuffles and moments of captivity, often he was the one to be in my company. Whenever I was in trouble, he went to retrieve me and often delivered a lecture about regulations and rules that would have to be explained in the report. Simple stuff.

I tried to pretend that I didn't hear the knocking in the shower. There was nothing more I'd like to avoid just then than company, but I knew I'd never hear the end of it next shift. Sighing, I wrapped a towel around me and answered the door, getting as presentable as my crummy mood would allow. It had better be good.

"Ah, Captain."

"Oh, it's you Andros. What's wrong?"

Andros Seran was the new councilor that came highly recommended from Starfleet. Hailing from Betazed, he was adept at reading emotions and took his job very seriously, never using his abilities on anyone until in a dire situation occurred or he was given permission. He also wasn't bad looking, which didn't hurt in the slightest.

"Nothing is wrong, everyone is fine and enjoying themselves, but I noticed you left early in the festivities. I wanted to check on you."

"Everything's fine councilor, I'm just a little tired. Go back to the party and don't worry about me."

He frowned. I could tell from his expression he was refraining from picking my brain or pushing the issue.

"If you say. But I would like for you to come in for a session at the earliest convenience. Just a formality you understand."

I spared a smile, "Afraid I'm cracking up Andros? If only to ease your mind, I will attend first thing. But I assure you, I'm cool as a cucumber."

He nodded, "Very well. My apologies if I disturbed you."

I waved the words away and retreated back into the room, thankful for some silence. You could hear the sounds of rowdy crewmen bounce off the corridor walls. Before I could find something to wear, another knock came to the door. Shivering and mildly agitated, I answered the call once more with dripping hair and a scowl.

"What?"

"Jen- put on some clothes woman!" Bones crossed his arms, "What's the matter with you?"

"This is my room and I can go naked if I please. It's hard to get dressed when people come knocking."

Grunting as usual, he walked in and sat on the small couch. His easy smile was gone, replaced with the calculated glance of a seasoned doctor. Again, was I that goddamned transparent?

"Jeez Bones, if you wanted a peek at my rack, why didn't you say so?"

The sputtering expression was worth it.

"Dammit Jen, I came over here to see how you were doing! You've been moping around the ship for weeks now and it's starting to irritate me."

God.

"Spit it out. You've never been the one to hold anything back, so why start now?"

I didn't know how to answer and I didn't want to. It was one thing to feel this meshing of emotions, but to have them so plainly bared for the world to see made my stomach clench. How could I not have noticed?

Crap!

Did he notice?

"Bones. . . it's complicated okay. And it really doesn't matter. Can we just-"

"It's gone on long enough and you know it. Be honest with me, then be honest with yourself and admit the truth."

. . . .

The truth.

How could I admit this? Form the emotion into words that have never escaped my mind? Come clean to a reality that will never be?

God.

I could feel a large wave of emotion preparing to crash down on me and the stinging of emerging tears in my eyes. I didn't want to cry, not because Bones was there, but because it was a sign that I was conceding defeat. That I was accepting the hopelessness. . . . . . . for what it was.

. . . .

. . . .

. . . .

. . . .

I should have seen that coming.

Hours might have gone by. Maybe it was just minutes. Or maybe the sedative ebbing away seemed to stretch the seconds. Whatever the case, all was completely quite now and I couldn't be more thankful.

My name is Jen T. Kirk, Captain of the Enterprise, and I do not believe in no-win scenarios.

I do however, believe in life, and she is a vindictive bitch.

Author's Note:

It's hard to write in this tense, but I wanted to set the stage in the Captain's point of view. I'm not quite sure if I want to keep her name as Jen, but we'll see how it works out. I see that I was repetitive in a good portion of the chapter and will refrain from doing so in the future; it's just so hard to get back into the rhythm of things you know? There may be some OOCness in here and you may not understand everything, but I promise to stay consistent. Thank you!