Off the Tracks and Down Again
Summary: He knows he's a screw up. He wants to make things right; to fix his mistakes, but it seems like everything he says just makes it all worse. He just wanted- no needed- to change. Part 6/6 of the Blurred series.
A/N: This is the last of the Blurred series. I hope you enjoy it! I don't even want to comment on the Christmas episode except to say (even though I know some will disagree with me) I was disappointed; so totally disappointed. The message was great and I loved the beginning and the ending, but the middle- while funny at times (and the songs were still performed well)- just, in my opinion, seemed pointless.
Nick Duval blinked against the harsh lighting and found his mother's anxious face staring down at him, "Nicky," she breathed out as he winced at how the white walls reflected the bright florescent lights, "Nicky honey how're you feeling?"
He blinked again and whispered, "What- what happened?"
"One of the boys at your school slipped GHB into your coffee, Sweetheart," his mother told him in a soft voice. "He- he- he-" she apparently wasn't able to finish and that's when he noticed she had tear tracks down her cheeks.
"Mom, I'm okay," he croaked softly, trying to smile in hopes it would reassure her. He let the smile fade as he remembered who he'd been with before everything went blank. He remembered Jeff leaning towards him and trying to get him to leave, saying something about Sebastian being dangerous.
He wanted to choke when he remembered why Jeff had said that Sebastian was dangerous. One memory that floated through his hazy brain had words drifting through his head."You see Jeff… originally I did want Nick and I knew there was only one way to get him. Silly boy doesn't even know what he wants. What's the point of dating girls when I'm around?"
He shuddered, especially when the rest of the memory managed to slip into his head; "But then I realized something. I could see how you looked at me and you know what I figured out?"
"What's that?"
"Your hate is intoxicating. You have no idea how much it turns me on when you look at me like you'd like nothing else but to punch me in the face. I can just imagine that hatred and how sexy it'll be when there's nothing you can do to act on it. How sexy you'll look so angry and pathetic at the same time."
"Jeff," he whispered out desperately, "Mom, where's Jeff? Is he okay? Mom?" He paused weakly, "Did- did anything happen to me?"
"Sweetheart Jeff is fine," his mother whispered to him gently, her brown eyes comforting as she patted his hand. "And so are you. He saved you honey."
"God I didn't believe him," he whispered, his heart feeling strangely tight. "Mom, please, I need to talk to him."
"He's talking to one of his friends outside," she murmured in a quiet voice, "A boy named Blaine?"
Tears crept into his eyes. He didn't remember a whole lot, but what he did remember had a lot to do with him talking about Blaine behind his back, believing he was capable of cheating; not believing Jeff when he said Blaine had been raped.
He felt like the worst person alive, second only to a guy named Sebastian Smythe.
His jaw trembled and he looked at his mother, "Mom, please, can you get them? I need- I need to talk to them- both of them."
"Sweetheart you just woke up, the doctor needs to talk to you first, then the police," she was shaking her head at him as she patted his hand again. "Afterwards you can talk to Jeff and Blaine, okay?"
"I need to talk to them now," he insisted softly, blinking heavily. He turned his voice plaintive, "Please Mom. Can't- can't you do this for me, please?"
He saw the way her face twisted up, unable to deny him. He hated breaking out that voice on her; he knew it was painful for her whenever he was sad, or upset for any reason, but he was desperate. He needed to talk to the two other boys.
"Okay Sweetie," she gave in softly, her hand caressing his cheek gently, "but don't overdo it, okay?"
"Mom I'm fine," he promised her in a hopefully reassuring voice. "You said it yourself, Jeff saved me. I-I just passed out, that's all, really." He didn't add the 'because I was drugged'. They were both already thinking it.
Instead he just watched as she smiled in a soft, sad sort of way, before stepping out of the room. He let his fingers tighten slightly around the sheets underneath his hands, but quickly the grip faded into nothing.
He frowned at the lack of strength and tried to move into a sitting position but instead he flopped back down as Jeff stepped into the hospital room with Blaine trailing in after him.
He'd never seen Blaine look less put together. There was no gel in his hair. There was no bowtie either; just a simple loose t-shirt and a faded pair of jeans. The redness around his eyes was a little off putting too, but wasn't the most striking feature he noticed.
His eyes trailed over Blaine's face and his jaw clenched at the yellowing bruise, that was mottled with shades of blue and green, he saw over the other boy's cheekbone. How had he ever doubted him? A thick swallow moved his throat and he whispered out to them, "Hey."
"Hey," Jeff greeted just as softly, but he noticed that Blaine stayed quiet. "How are you feeling?"
"Dizzy, confused," he admitted quietly, his head pressing into the thin pillow as he sighed. "I-I don't remember a whole lot." He licked his lips carefully, "I remember you saying something about Sebastian- and him- wanting to, um, 'hurt' you- and- and fighting?" His voice was turning desperate again. He needed to hear directly from the source that Jeff was truly okay, "Are you okay? Did he hurt you? Please tell me you're alright- I know- I know it's my fault you- you were in that situation in the first place and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if-"
"I'm fine," Jeff cut him off in a quiet voice, "and I wouldn't call it fighting." His best friend smiled at him weakly. "It was more me going a little nuts there for a minute, not that he didn't deserve it."
He returned the weak smile, letting it fall from his lips after only a fraction of a second, before his eyes wandered over Blaine, "Blaine, you- you alright?"
Blaine shrugged his shoulders, looking terribly uncomfortable.
Nick grimaced at the forlorn and totally shattered look of the other boy. He swallowed thickly, before saying in a quiet voice, "I'm sorry Blaine. I-I really am. I just- didn't think he was capable. I- I thought he was my friend."
He was almost surprised when Blaine opened his mouth and spoke, "I guess that makes the two of us."
"Yeah," he sighed out, his face starting to tingle and tighten. He sniffed and blinked, surprised that his eyes were starting to tear up. He took in a deep breath and let it out, before speaking again, "Look Blaine- I know- I know I've been a jerk to you-"
Blaine shrugged, "I never noticed."
"That's because I'm the worst kind of jerk," he explained softly, closing his eyes for a second before looking pointedly at the ceiling. "I'm the kind of jerk that's nice to your face but the moment your back is turned I'll tear you down to whoever I think will listen."
"Oh."
"Yeah I know," Nick shook his head, his chest feeling heavier with each word he spoke. "Anyways I hoped- I hoped we could start over or something. I mean I'd understand if you don't. It's just I was so wrong about everything- about you- about Sebastian- and I just- I want to change."
"I don't understand why suddenly everyone wants to be my friend," Blaine muttered at him, shaking his head. "I don't get it. First Sam, then Finn and New Directions; everyone was completely fine with ignoring me until all this happened-"
"Blaine." Jeff's voice cut in, "You know that the New Directions were always your friends-"
"Do I?" Blaine shook his head softly, letting out a soft bitter laugh. "Okay maybe the New Directions turned around before they knew the details- but Nick- you just want to feel less guilty. You don't actually want to be my friend. You're pretty much just using me and I am sick and tired of being used."
He wasn't expecting the sudden glossy sheen that came into Blaine's eyes and choking aspect of the other boy's voice. It made his heart sink deeper in his chest. "That's not what I meant. That's not what I want- Blaine…"
Blaine just shook his head, "I never said it was intentional Nick, but that's what you're doing." There was a soft pause, "Even when I was a part of the Warblers you never liked me; isn't that what you just said? You were nice enough to my face, but you still never liked me."
"Is it so bad that I want to change- be better?" He asked with a thick swallow, surprised at the wetness under his eyes.
"No, that's perfectly fine," Blaine's voice was curt, "but that's not you're doing. You're using me to feel better about yourself."
He sank a little deeper into the pillows and bitter tears welled up in his eyes. Blaine was right and it was killing him. He so desperately wanted to make things better but it seemed like he was always destined to do the wrong thing or just make everything worse.
He let out a shaky breath, "I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm doing. I just- I hate myself and you have every right to hate me too. Shit, I'm surprised Jeff's even here-"
"Would you stop the Goddamn pity party?" Blaine snapped cutting him off and Nick found his tears stopping as his eyes widened to stare at the other teen. "You have no right- no right to- shit Nick-" Blaine was shaking his head, squeezing his eyes shut.
"Nick just-" Jeff spoke up and let out a soft sigh, "I don't hate you. Blaine doesn't hate you. You shouldn't hate you. You- you have issues you need to work out, but the only person any of us should hate is Sebastian, okay?"
Nick nodded, unsure if he really accepted the other boy's words and apparently Blaine noticed, because the curly haired boy looked at him again and opened his mouth, "Stop feeling sorry for yourself Nick. You're not doing anyone any favours."
"I'm-" Nick cut himself off, unwilling to keep apologizing when obviously neither Blaine nor Jeff wanted to hear it. So instead he just said softly, "You can try all you want but you can't tell me how to feel. I feel awful and I'm going to continue to feel awful for who knows how long. I can't just turn it off Blaine- I can't stop feeling bad about what happened any less than you can."
He winced as he said it and waited for the inevitable explosion that would come next. He certainly hadn't meant to say it quite like that. He hadn't meant to imply that he had close to any idea what Blaine was feeling. He knew quite plainly that he didn't. He'd had a fuzzy sense of fear for several moments, a certain feeling of dread and he'd felt used and betrayed, but it wasn't the same; because unlike in Blaine's case he'd come out unscathed.
Instead of an explosion there was a deadening silence and he forced himself to add softly, "I didn't mean it like that. I just- what you're going through- it has to be awful and I know you can't turn it off. I can't turn what I feel off either, but I definitely didn't mean to imply that I know what you're feeling because I know I don't. Just please don't tell me how to feel because it's not going to change anything."
"You're an asshole," Blaine's voice was soft and his loose curls were jittering as he shook his head.
"Yeah," he whispered, not arguing with the assessment. He knew it was true. "I guess I am, but I'm not wrong."
"I guess not," Blaine shrugged his shoulders with a sigh.
"I still want to start over," Nick spoke very carefully, noticing how Blaine tensed up. "I understand that you don't want to be my friend- that you think I'm using you to feel better about myself, but what if I promised to stay away until you're ready to bridge that gap or something?" He licked his lips again and took a steadying breath before propping himself up weakly on his elbows, "Look we don't have to be friends, but I'm a Warbler and you're a Warbler-"
"No I'm not-"
"Once a Warbler always a Warbler," he smiled weakly, "with one very obvious exception." He paused before getting back on track with his train of thought. "All I'm saying is we're going to be around each other- we have a lot of the same friends and I don't- I don't want there to be- I don't want things to be-" he shook his head and flopped back onto the bed, unable to make his thoughts coherent.
He just wanted things back the way they were. Well maybe not exactly the way they were- being oblivious to how much of an asshole he was, was not something he wanted to necessarily go back to.
"Do you really think I'm going to be visiting Dalton after this?" Blaine asked and Nick was surprised at the bitterness in his voice. Blaine had always referred to Dalton as his home, as his safe place. "Do you really think I'm going to be able to go back there and not remember that Dalton's where I met him? Dalton may have saved me back in freshman year, but now- now it's just the place that brought that- that- predator- into my life."
"I thought-"
"You thought wrong," Blaine cut him off snappishly and the next words out of his mouth were almost like the other boy was reading his mind, "Dalton's not my safe place anymore Nick. Surprisingly it's McKinley. It's Kurt and the New Directions, but mostly Kurt. It's funny, I didn't even think they liked me and yet I didn't even have to tell them before they proved me wrong."
He swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded quietly, "I'm glad you have them then."
"Yeah," Blaine was looking at the floor now and Jeff fidgeted nervously.
"Blaine?" Jeff's voice spoke up and Nick's attention turned and so did Blaine's; both of their eyes locking on the blond boy's. "Does- does that mean you don't want to be friends with any of the Warblers anymore?"
"No," Blaine shook his head, "I still love the Warblers- I just can't visit at Dalton anymore. You understand, right?"
"Of course," Jeff looked surprisingly relieved and some tension seemed to roll out of his shoulders.
"So just me then-" Nick commented, turning his head away from both of them. He knew he had no right to feel bad for himself (Blaine had already very clearly told him that), but he couldn't help it.
"Pretty much," Blaine's voice was soft and still a little bitter. "I thought you were my friend Nick and you told me yourself you were just pretending- and- and I'll admit that's a little too raw right now."
Nick swallowed as he waited for the next words to come out. He couldn't make himself hear them from Blaine's mouth and he spoke softly; "After all Sebastian was just pretending too, wasn't he?"
"Exactly," Blaine muttered shaking his head.
"I'm not a rapist-"
"I know," Blaine spoke quietly, the words choking up slightly, "but you're not my friend either."
He never imagined that words could feel so much like someone was stabbing him in the heart. He certainly never imagined that Blaine's words would be the ones to make him feel that way.
He stared in silence as he watched Blaine turn on his heel and tear out of the hospital room. He waited for a second, his eyes turning to Jeff, "Aren't you going to go after him? He looks pretty upset and well- well he probably needs someone right now."
"Kurt's out there waiting for him," Jeff revealed in a soft voice, moving forward to sit on the edge of the hospital bed. "He showed up just before your mom came to get us, but- he said something about not trusting himself not to claw your eyes out while you're still weak."
"Oh," he managed to push himself weakly into a sitting position, taking a little comfort in the way Jeff's arm supported his back without prompting. "You sure you don't want to go after them?"
"Nick you may be an asshole, but you're still my best friend," Jeff told him in a quiet voice. "I know you and I know you're about to fall apart. Blaine has Kurt; and right now you need me."
He found himself leaning closer to his best friend, bitter, angry tears spilling over his lower lids. Jeff's arm wrapped around him supportively and he wondered how in the hell he'd gotten so lucky to have a friend like Jeff.
He certainly didn't deserve him. He was so far off track of what he'd always wanted for himself. He'd prided himself on being a good person only now to realize that was the exact opposite of what he was. It was purely a miracle that there were truly honest, good people in the world like Jeff who were so kind that they'd stick by someone like him.
"I screwed up so bad Jeff," he whispered, his breath hitching slightly. He sniffed, but didn't sob, just letting the quiet tears dampen his face.
A/N: Well that's the end folks. I hope you enjoyed this little series. Please drop me a review and let me know!