Update: Yes. It's depressing. But I promise, if you stick it out, it'll get better.
In the grand scheme of things, falling is love is terrible.
You're sitting there on the couch watching Jeopardy and eating grapes.
The phone buzzes.
New Tinder match.
You think back to when you first met her. The excitement of finding someone you were not only attracted to, but shared your same interests. There was a sense of belonging. You never thought youd be in a long term relationship, but she changed you. At first, for the better. She pushed you to follow your dreams. You went back to school, got your degree. She demanded you got back into music, insisted you were good. Great even. So you started practicing every day. Played at a few open mics. Got a couple small gigs. She made you feel alive. There were parts of yourself you could now feel that you never knew existed. Everything was perfect. She was perfect. Until she wasn't.
Tinder match states in her profile that she's a Christian. Great. Also has written that pasta is her favorite food. Yeah. Those are the important things.
Around year 3 things started to change. She became distant. Stopped coming to your performances. The performances she begged you to partake in. At home, she was quiet. You rarely spoke. She'd come from work, shower, eat the dinner you had prepared, and go to bed. Without you. The only time you had sex anymore is when you were both wasted, which was once after a friends party. You used to spoon her. She would push back into your body and pull your arm around her stomach. Shed sigh, contentedly, and whisper "I love you." That never happened anymore. Shed lay away from you in a fetal position and fall asleep immediately. And youd stare at the back of her head with your sad, pathetic eyes, until they closed on their own.
You message Tinder match.
"When you pray before you eat, do you end the prayer with "Ramen?"
You Googled "failing relationship" one night. You knew you werent alone. These things happen all the time. You were sure you could find a solution on the Internet.
One article lead to another, and you found yourself on an advice forum. One person asked "How do you know if your partner is cheating?" Someone answered, "My wife stopped talking to me. We hadnt spoken in months." You try to remember the last time you had talked. "She worked longer hours. Was hardly ever at home." You had looked at the clock. 10 pm. She shouldve been home 2 hours ago. "And when she got home, she would shower immediately."
The door had opened then.
"Hey." You said.
"Hey." She sounded tired.
"How was work?"
"Long. We had a late meeting. Im exhausted."
"I made dinner."
"Great, Im starving. Im just going to hop in the shower real fast."
And that was when you knew. Consciously, at least. In hindsight, you had known all along.
You never bothered to talk to her about it. The lease was up in a month, you didn't bother to renew it. She would come home and see the boxes you had started to pack. At first, curious, you stood defiantly in front of her, waiting for her to ask why. She never did. She had locked eyes with you, and after you had stared her down, she walked away without a word. She knew you knew. There was nothing left to do but go.
You moved back home with your mother for a while. Got a good job, saved up your money. Spent time on yourself. Learned how to live without her. After a year you felt almost back to normal. You made the decision to start over. Transferred to another office a few cities away. Left everything behind. You were different, and you needed a different environment.
And now youre here.
You check your phone. Pasta girl hasn't responded.
You shout a few answers at the TV.
Finish the grapes.
Stare at the guitar in the corner. Youre still too fragile to play.
Stomach growls. Apparently a bowl of fruit isnt a substantial dinner.
Check the fridge. Milk. Two beers.
Search on your phone for a nearby restaurant.
Find a hole in the wall bar that sells fish and chips.
Shoes. Keys. Turn the TV off.
Check your phone again.
Pasta girl has responded.
"Um… no. Wtf?"
Unmatch.
You can deal with religion, but you cant handle a bad sense of humor.