Remember You
Summary: Obi remembers Qui-gon on a rainy day. Post- TPM; non-slash; Obi's POV Rating: G Disclaimer: No, I don't own the guys. Stop rubbing it in. No, I'm not making money. Had to pour salt on the wound, didn't you?
It's days like these I remember you most. The rain falls steadily as it has for days- or perhaps only hours.
At first, every drop on the windows is like dying all over again, with your head on my lap, your feverish, wounded body limp. But the rains gentle dance blends into a beautiful ballet of memories. Memories of you.
I send Anikan to play with a friend. As I often am, I feel struck by thoughts on whether or not you approve of me as a teacher. No, I admit I am not the father you were to me. Can I help it? I lost you so untimely, so tragically. I still want to remain the learner, just because then I know you are right by me. He'll feel that I am like his father, he will refer to me as such and while I won't deny it, I will never feel as though I am. But I won't think of these matters now. These are the days when you are still here. And I just can't share them.
We both loved the rain. On days like this, perfectly dreary and cold, these days were ours. All day long, whatever we wanted to do. You would make them like we weren't even Jedi- no missions, no meditating, no drills. We were just humans- father and son. All my friends envied me because of you. My master--the rebellious one, who could see beyond the importance of the Code to a place where we all needed to survive on a human level. Where we needed a break from Jedi's do this, and Jedi's do that. You made me so strong because you could see this. You made me a person; a feeling, loving person, who knew because you said so, that it was ok to have emotions about things. Sometimes, without you, I feel like I forget that.
I laugh briefly to myself, remembering a comical moment together. One day, we were training in the gym, and you were showing me this evasive maneuver-- a back flip followed by saber work. You started demonstrating, but you didn't get high enough in the air as you flipped to get your feet under you. So you landed flat on your stomach, letting out an "oooof" noise. Holding in laughter, I did as you had instructed and copied you, also flopping myself on my belly, right next to you. We lay there laughing for I don't know how long until you tried to get up, wiping away tears.
" Come on.(laughing). Obi, lets try tha." and you collapsed back down, setting off another twenty minutes of hysteria. We laughed beyond tears, beyond pain, beyond sickness, until finally we were so exhausted, it was all we could do to walk back to our quarters, supporting each other, and tripping over our feet.
You are my first memory. When I sit quietly, and dig back through my mind to the vague, hazy thing that still lingers, I see your face, your eyes. I probably didn't even know you then, but you were there, like a dream of my destiny. How unsurprising it will be, as I die that your face will be all I see.
Dying. Qui-gon, Master, father--your dead. You're gone; I can never see you again. I can't touch you; you can't hold me in your strong embrace. You died in my arms. I saw you leave me.
No. No, I tell myself, not now, don't do this now. Yes, Master, I still cry. I cry uncontrollably, for many minutes, in the same agony as the day you left me. The reality of it still washes over me with the same persistence and on days like today, it's as if I'm realizing it for the first time again. Because, if these are the days when you are still here, then these are the days when you leave me all over again.
I listen to the rain sound farther and farther away as I push myself back into memories. With difficulty, I remember the night Mace Windu came to our quarters and told me you were dead. I re-live it in a small way, watching, myself go through everything, but sitting in the corner like my own twin, I do not simply mentally remember what it felt like. I feel it again too. I watch myself steel a transport and flee to Kaldor, praying all the while for your life. And I found you-alive but unwell. Oh, what we went through, Master. All the things we went through.
My childhood memories of you are still strong. I remember how playful you could be, how wonderful your laugh was when you were truly happy. You would always entertain me and my friends when they were over--always let the little girl that played with us braid your long hair. My friends and I quite loudly try to repress laughter as you patiently waited for her to finish. Then you would jump to your feet, and chase us until you caught us long enough to tickle each kid.
Do you remember that nightmare I had? I have never forgotten that one, for whatever reason. It really scared me though, 'cause something happened to your eyes. I've always thought that you could have gone through life with only your eyes; no words, no gestures. Just your eyes. They really made the world a more beautiful place.
I'm making the rain now. Time has moved on, but I have just sat here with you and the falling water outside. I'm not stiff, as I should be, because I just ran through over twenty years on file in my head. Anikan is home now, and sees me. I can't hold it in much longer, and as he looks at me with concern and asks what's wrong, I fight the lump in my throat long enough to tell him to just let me be. Reluctantly he leaves, my dark cloud bursts, and a flood spills from my eyes.
And as I have re-lived your life, I know re-live your death. Oh, Master, I know you hate to see me do this, after all this time! But I can't stop. No amount of years will ever make it stop, and father, if this is what I must go through so I can have my memories, then let the pain kill me, this instant.
Eventually I will settle, but the rain outside will go on. Anikan will watch from the doorway, not understanding. I will get up, and move on, be a Jedi, train the boy.
But someday, not too far from now, the rain will be falling at just the right speed and just the right time, and I will live and die with you again, all in one day, so I can still remember you.
Summary: Obi remembers Qui-gon on a rainy day. Post- TPM; non-slash; Obi's POV Rating: G Disclaimer: No, I don't own the guys. Stop rubbing it in. No, I'm not making money. Had to pour salt on the wound, didn't you?
It's days like these I remember you most. The rain falls steadily as it has for days- or perhaps only hours.
At first, every drop on the windows is like dying all over again, with your head on my lap, your feverish, wounded body limp. But the rains gentle dance blends into a beautiful ballet of memories. Memories of you.
I send Anikan to play with a friend. As I often am, I feel struck by thoughts on whether or not you approve of me as a teacher. No, I admit I am not the father you were to me. Can I help it? I lost you so untimely, so tragically. I still want to remain the learner, just because then I know you are right by me. He'll feel that I am like his father, he will refer to me as such and while I won't deny it, I will never feel as though I am. But I won't think of these matters now. These are the days when you are still here. And I just can't share them.
We both loved the rain. On days like this, perfectly dreary and cold, these days were ours. All day long, whatever we wanted to do. You would make them like we weren't even Jedi- no missions, no meditating, no drills. We were just humans- father and son. All my friends envied me because of you. My master--the rebellious one, who could see beyond the importance of the Code to a place where we all needed to survive on a human level. Where we needed a break from Jedi's do this, and Jedi's do that. You made me so strong because you could see this. You made me a person; a feeling, loving person, who knew because you said so, that it was ok to have emotions about things. Sometimes, without you, I feel like I forget that.
I laugh briefly to myself, remembering a comical moment together. One day, we were training in the gym, and you were showing me this evasive maneuver-- a back flip followed by saber work. You started demonstrating, but you didn't get high enough in the air as you flipped to get your feet under you. So you landed flat on your stomach, letting out an "oooof" noise. Holding in laughter, I did as you had instructed and copied you, also flopping myself on my belly, right next to you. We lay there laughing for I don't know how long until you tried to get up, wiping away tears.
" Come on.(laughing). Obi, lets try tha." and you collapsed back down, setting off another twenty minutes of hysteria. We laughed beyond tears, beyond pain, beyond sickness, until finally we were so exhausted, it was all we could do to walk back to our quarters, supporting each other, and tripping over our feet.
You are my first memory. When I sit quietly, and dig back through my mind to the vague, hazy thing that still lingers, I see your face, your eyes. I probably didn't even know you then, but you were there, like a dream of my destiny. How unsurprising it will be, as I die that your face will be all I see.
Dying. Qui-gon, Master, father--your dead. You're gone; I can never see you again. I can't touch you; you can't hold me in your strong embrace. You died in my arms. I saw you leave me.
No. No, I tell myself, not now, don't do this now. Yes, Master, I still cry. I cry uncontrollably, for many minutes, in the same agony as the day you left me. The reality of it still washes over me with the same persistence and on days like today, it's as if I'm realizing it for the first time again. Because, if these are the days when you are still here, then these are the days when you leave me all over again.
I listen to the rain sound farther and farther away as I push myself back into memories. With difficulty, I remember the night Mace Windu came to our quarters and told me you were dead. I re-live it in a small way, watching, myself go through everything, but sitting in the corner like my own twin, I do not simply mentally remember what it felt like. I feel it again too. I watch myself steel a transport and flee to Kaldor, praying all the while for your life. And I found you-alive but unwell. Oh, what we went through, Master. All the things we went through.
My childhood memories of you are still strong. I remember how playful you could be, how wonderful your laugh was when you were truly happy. You would always entertain me and my friends when they were over--always let the little girl that played with us braid your long hair. My friends and I quite loudly try to repress laughter as you patiently waited for her to finish. Then you would jump to your feet, and chase us until you caught us long enough to tickle each kid.
Do you remember that nightmare I had? I have never forgotten that one, for whatever reason. It really scared me though, 'cause something happened to your eyes. I've always thought that you could have gone through life with only your eyes; no words, no gestures. Just your eyes. They really made the world a more beautiful place.
I'm making the rain now. Time has moved on, but I have just sat here with you and the falling water outside. I'm not stiff, as I should be, because I just ran through over twenty years on file in my head. Anikan is home now, and sees me. I can't hold it in much longer, and as he looks at me with concern and asks what's wrong, I fight the lump in my throat long enough to tell him to just let me be. Reluctantly he leaves, my dark cloud bursts, and a flood spills from my eyes.
And as I have re-lived your life, I know re-live your death. Oh, Master, I know you hate to see me do this, after all this time! But I can't stop. No amount of years will ever make it stop, and father, if this is what I must go through so I can have my memories, then let the pain kill me, this instant.
Eventually I will settle, but the rain outside will go on. Anikan will watch from the doorway, not understanding. I will get up, and move on, be a Jedi, train the boy.
But someday, not too far from now, the rain will be falling at just the right speed and just the right time, and I will live and die with you again, all in one day, so I can still remember you.