TOTAL DRAMA PRESENTS: ALPHABET ADVENTURES with CHRIS MCLEAN
EPISODE ONE-
"I am standing on the summit of Vulture Head Rock, the pinnacle of Vulture Island, a backwater establishment in Baker Lake, Nunavut. It is here that 26 brave—" He paused. "—or stupid—teenagers, each one's name beginning with a different letter of the alphabet, have agreed to spend their summer surviving in harsh environments, undertaking brutal challenges, and voting each other out until only one remains to claim the grand prize: one million big ones. Seem familiar? It should. But let's just say that the standard Total Drama formula has been…um, amplified." Chris McLean, the host everyone loves to hate (or in Topher's case, hates to love) flashed his pearly whites, whiter than ever, at the camera and winked. "You'll see what I mean in a little bit. But first, we've gotta introduce our contestants, who are just as oblivious as you are, right now on the inaugural episode of Alphabet Adventures!" His signature evil snicker escaped his lips, which could only mean one thing.
A bunch of teens were about to pay the ultimate price for fame or infamy. Total Drama was back in action.
As Chris descended the steps which had been cut out of the mountain, the roar of a truck engine could be heard. When he reached the bottom, he turned toward the camera and grinned.
"Our first four contestants have arrived, everybody, and number one is just making her appearance now!"
Chris went forward to lend a hand to the girl stepping out of the back of the truck. She wasn't anything special to look at. She was short and skinny, her mousy brown hair in a messy ponytail. She wore a red tank top over a long-sleeved white T-shirt and a pair of cargo shorts. The tank had a 0 emblazoned on it in blue, reminiscent of the back of Owen's shirt. She accepted the help, but not without a glare at Chris and a small remark of "You should probably sue your moisturizer company. They're not keeping your veiny hands in check." Then, after a perfectly timed pause, "Or are you just old? My condolences to your career's loved ones."
ALYX-THE WALKING ONE-LINER
(Note: Confessionals are in italics like this)
Alyx: I don't have to pretend to be thrilled, do I? Because this wasn't my idea and we all know I'm not going to win. I'd say "whatever" but I'm too apathetic right now. Can we move on?
The host, still reeling from Alyx's insult, said weakly, "And here comes our next player, Braydon!"
The next contestant leaped out of the truck with a small squeal and an expression of unbridled joy on his face. A casual observer might have put his age at around 10. He had spiky, flyaway blond hair and a gap-toothed overbite made more pronounced by his enormous grin. He wore a gray shirt on which the head of that infamous Minecraft mob the creeper was printed and jeans that were a few sizes too big. He immediately made his way over to the host to shake his hand, exclaiming "This is more exciting than a six-diamond vein on day one!"
BRAYDON-THE MINECRAFT BOY
Braydon: I'm thrilled to be here, or I'm trying to be. I kinda miss my computer already though, but my mom said I had to get some fresh air or else. I tried to explain to her that I WAS getting fresh air, couldn't she see I was on the top of a mountain slaying zombies, but I guess she's just uninitiated like that.
"She's no stranger to hard working and sweet living, and she'd hog-tie you as soon as look at you, it's Chelsea!"
The next arrival stepped lightly but expertly out of the truck as if this was just another day on the farm for her. Fringed skirt swaying in the light breeze, she grinned and batted her eyelids at the camera before turning to Alyx and Braydon.
"Well, hey there! I'm Chelsea. It's nice to meet ya," she said with measured decorum. Unlike Braydon's almost overbearing grin, Chelsea's smile was demure and infectious—even Alyx found herself matching faces with her.
CHELSEA-THE SOUTHERN BELLE
Chelsea: I may be sweet, but I have an agenda, and don't none of you doubt that for a second. Turnin' on the charm's second nature to me, and I'll ooze sweetness as much as I hafta to win this game. It's on like Donkey Kong—which is actually the name of my family's donkey, funnily enough.
"Coming here all the way from a small country in the South Pacific whose name I can't pronounce, it's Daria!"
The fourth contestant was not as well received. She had mocha skin, long, jet-black hair, and an expression of contempt for the universe on her face. She marched over to Chris, flip-flops pounding.
"Redo that introduction RIGHT NOW! Do you have ANY IDEA how insulting that was to my people? My heritage? DO YOU?"
She was well in Chris's face now. "I AM NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH."
DARIA-THE TOUCHY PACIFIC ISLANDER
Daria: It's well and truly hurtful is what it is, and I've already had a 16-hour plane ride and then I had to be blindfolded and holed up in that jalopy! This show does NOT know how to treat people with the respect they deserve. I'm sure that just because my country is smaller than New York City that he thinks he can push me around, or that I'm stupid. No and NO!
Alyx: Jeez. You have a right to be angry. You don't have a right to be a psycho.
"Yeesh," said Chris, backtracking away from Daria's anger storm. "ANYHOO, the next truck is pulling in, so while those four contestants get to know each other, let's meet the next batch, shall we?"
The door of the truck slid open and a pair of hands pushed out a boy whose shaggy hair and beanie served to hide his expression very well—a frown was the only noticeable feature.
"He is proud to announce that the number of friends he has holds strong at zero, it's Eugene!"
"Meh," grunted Eugene, shrinking into his sweatshirt and shuffling away behind a tree.
EUGENE-THE INTROVERTED MISANTHROPE
Eugene: I hate the outdoors, I hate competitions, and most of all I hate people. It's not that I haven't tried to like them. There's nothing TO like. The only good thing about this situation is this: I keep this attitude up, I'll go home early for sure and then I can forget this ever happened to me. Because who'd want to remember?
The next contestant was an immaculately groomed boy with short, shiny black hair and dark eyes. He wore a collared shirt, khakis and dress shoes. He gave off the strong appearance of being a fuddy-duddy, and he seemed painfully aware of that fact.
"This young man here recently moved to Canada all the way from China and has recently figured out how hot dogs work, it's Fo!"
"Hi." Fo smiled at the small assembled crowd. Chelsea and Braydon returned it. "I'm looking forward to playing with you."
FO-THE NEFOB
Fo: It's not exactly like that—although I admit I did only just get the whole hot dog thing. I'm no stranger to North American culture, and I speak English fluently. People just tend to gravitate toward the stereotype when they see me, I suppose, especially on television, but I don't fulfill it—much.
Chelsea: Now I may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer—although I'm pretty close on it—but I get a feeling that Chris is being just a mite racist. I'm sure they have hot dogs in China.
The next contestant didn't step out of the truck so much as swooshed. She looked to be completely normal in all respects except for the getup—she wouldn't have looked out of place in Little House on the Prairie. She lugged a big suitcase behind her.
"She has participated in (a bunch of famous historical battles where women played an important role), it's Georgia, everybody!"
"Why are you wearing that? And how did you…?" asked Braydon, who seemed genuinely confused. Fo and Alyx exchanged glances.
"Oh, I'm a historical event revival specialist, of course! Duh."
GEORGIA-THE RE-ENACTOR
Georgia: It's not weird. It's an art. Trust me on this. It's like LARPing but with historical accuracy. And class. And if you're me, corsets. Lots of corsets.
"Our next contestant knows how to tap an oak tree for syrup and how to bait a sidehill gouger into feeding on deathberry juice, it is Hal!"
The boy that stepped out of the truck was tall and bearded, sporting a pair of frayed dungarees and not much else to speak of. He grinned, showing the world that the number of teeth he sported was decidedly less than the norm.
"How-dee!" he exclaimed, rushing over to the group to shake their hands with his grubby own. Braydon remained thrilled by the whole situation. Others were less enthused with his general hygiene.
HAL-THE BACKWOODS HILLBILLY
Hal: Ah'm super pumped to be gettin' out of my mama's shack and inta the real world, cuz the backwoods life can get a mite lonely, I ain't gonna lie. It's interesting, but when yer only friends are animules, ya start wondrin' if maybe you got a problem.
Alyx: Hal, meet basic human hygiene requirements. Basic human hygiene requirements, meet Hal. Feel free to run away screaming, cuz God knows that's what you've been doing your whole life.
"And that's eight, mate, and it can only get more great!" rhymed Chris as the next truck pulled up. "After the break, we'll be meeting four and more great new characters for a great new season of this great new show, Alphabet Adventures!"
"All right now, guys, put your hands together for the slim yet curvy, Converse-wearing contestant number 9! It's Iris!"
The next contestant to hop out of the truck was a girl with curly, flowing red hair and a smirk of righteous justice on her face. The other contestants felt quite awed by her presence. She did a cool, wacky fist bump with Chris that made his old crotchety face crack a real smile, just for a moment. Even Eugene seemed impressed when she jumped a few feet up into a tree and sat there perched on the branch, where she proceeded to gaze wistfully into nothing, a spray of freckles atop her nose.
IRIS-THE PROTAGONIST
Iris: I'm really excited to be here. I don't have many friends back home, just a lovable klutz named Miranda and a boy-next-door type named Jason, so I'm super exited to compete on this show and maybe find some meaning in my life. I come from a broken home, you see, and my little brother is so annoying, so I don't have too much fun. Maybe I'll meet a cute guy. I really like mysterious guys...
The next camper was a happy-looking teen with short blond hair, a crazy acne problem, and another one of those oh-so-prevalent infections grins. He immediately wandered over to shake Braydon's hand. This proved to be a bad mistake for poor Braydon, as the grinning youth had a cleverly concealed joy buzzer in his right hand. He left Braydon standing there, his hair Super-Saiyan-like, and offered his hand to Fo, who politely refused.
"Aw, c'mon! It's not gonna kill ya, promise! Harmless prank!"
JEREMY-THE MERRY PRANKSTER
Jeremy: My goals are three: to spread joy and merriment, to demonstrate my epic pranking skills, and to take home the million dollars. Duh. As long as I can meet two of these, I will consider this an undertaking well undertaken.
"DUDE! That was rockin', man! Epic! Leet! Legit!"
The new arrival seemed very appreciative of Jeremy's efforts. He was tall, muscular, and had an unfortunate bucktooth and spiked hair framing his chiseled face. Chelsea immediately cozied up to him, while Alyx and Iris both legitimately recoiled in disgust. He slapped hands with Hal, Braydon, and even Daria on his way to the center of the group.
KYLE-THE BRO
Kyle: Dude! Check me out! Kyle's here, and he's ready to win those sweet smackeroos! Money or kisses, it doesn't matter. Bring it on! I'm gonna destructinate the competition! Hang with the dudes, make sweet, sweet love to the dudettes—gooooood times.
Chelsea: Hello victim number one.
The next teenager to make an appearance was a short, heavyset Asian girl with small, round glasses and a serious expression. She jumped boldly off of the truck and without a word, went to stand between Fo and Jeremy, both of whom waved. She merely nodded.
LIEN-THE TOUGH-AS-NAILS STRATEGIST
Lien: Hear this now. I'm going to win this game. I am coming prepared to do whatever it takes to get this cash. Except for actually hurting people. Honor? Nah, just basic human decency. This is my game. My whole life has been leading up to this. Time to run roughshod over the competition.
The final occupant of truck number three wore a confident expression, a letterman jacket, and seriously expensive-looking trainers. He bumped fists with Kyle, the two sharing what nerds call a bro mindmeld. They nodded quickly, and the newcomer turned to the crowd.
"What's good? I'm Marc. I'm a high school sports star from Ohio."
"Cool!" said Braydon. He was the loudest, but the majority of the assembled teenagers made appreciative noises. As every high school student knows, don't piss off the quarterback, and this quarterback in particular gave off an air of superiority. He was clearly used to being the best.
MARC-THE ARROGANT JOCK
Marc: The name's Marc Beste, and trust me when I say I'm the Beste at everything I do. Nobody else stands a chance. That's just the way it is. I never lose.
Chelsea: And welcome victim number two. Don't unpack, hun.
Eugene: This jock kid is one of the reasons I hate people. They love themselves too much, and they play sports.
"All righty!" said Chris. "The other three trucks will be along in a few minutes, but since we're halfway done, why don't you all take a moment to get acquainted?" He stepped out of the clearing, leaving the thirteen contestants looking at each other in relative silence, sizing each other up, perhaps, for the inevitable battle.
Predictably, it was Braydon who broke the silence.
"So hi, everyone! I'm Braydon if you didn't know, and I'm super excited to be playing with all of you guys! I like playing Minecraft and watching videos about Minecraft and uh-that's it."
"You're well-rounded," observed Alyx sarcastically.
"Thanks!" said Braydon.
"I wasn't…never mind. Anyone else want to introduce themselves?"
Daria stepped forward.
"My name is Daria de Souza-Obuarei, and I am a native of South Sakul, a small island chain in the Pacific Ocean. Our culture is rich and varied. We give our elders the utmost—"
"Hey! Nobody cares where you came from," interjected Kyle. "The question is, what are you going to do now that you're here?"
Daria's face grew red. Her brow furrowed and her eyes seemed ready to bulge out of their sockets. Kyle took a step back.
"Now hold on, I wasn't hassling you or nothing—"
"I AM GOING TO EDUCATE INSENSITIVE, BRAIN-DEAD DIPSHITS LIKE YOU ON MY CULTURE, THAT'S WHAT I'M GOING TO DO, GET IT?" Daria screeched. Alyx facepalmed. Jeremy and Marc exchanged glances. Lien remained stoic. Hal was eating some tree bark. Eugene was hiding behind the tree, trying to be as small as possible.
"Now hold on!" said Fo. "We have only just arrived and there is no reason to start a fight! Please think about what you're doing."
"NOBODY ASKED YOU!" yelled Daria and Kyle simultaneously.
Daria: That skinny, bucktoothed dumbass is not going to survive the first night, I'll make sure of that. How dare he write an entire history off like it's nothing?
Kyle: Someone's got a hair-trigger temper. Good. I loves me a girl who gets mad.
Fo: I hope this fight doesn't set the tone for this whole adventure. I would want to leave the game if this is the atmosphere that persists.
Hal: Yummy! Fresh pine bark, my favorite! Ah'll eat like a king tonaght!
"Yum, drama already! I love it!" said Chris. "But there's no drama that can't be kicked up a notch…with more contestants!"
The next truck pulled into the clearing, disgorging not one but three contestants at once, as they all tumbled over each other in a maddening rush to escape the truck. Two stocky boys, one with curly red hair, a horned helmet and an axe, and the other with three chins, a faded T-shirt, and an expression of quiet contemplation, and a girl with dirty blond hair, a flower-print dress and barrettes.
"HEY!" yelled Chris. "ONE AT A TIME, PEOPLE. It was in your information packets."
"VIKINGS WAIT FOR NO RULES!" yelled the redhead.
"We were trying to get away from...her," said the girl, shuddering.
"Ugh, whatever. Just get in line so I can introduce you in the right order," grumbled Chris.
"THERE IS NO ORDER BUT THE ORDER OF SLAUGHTER AND PILLAGING!"
By now, the thirteen already-introduced cast members had gathered around the newcomers.
"Grrr...fine, introduce your own darn selves. Nancy, Olaf, and Peter, everyone."
"Hi!" said Nancy. "It's really nice to meet you all and I hope that we can be friends! I live in-"
"IT IS I, OLAF GUNTERSSON, HE WITH A MANE OF FIRE, WHOSE MIGHTY BLADE CRUSHES ALL THAT STAND BEFORE HIM!"
Alyx: His "mighty blade" is made of cardboard. Just saying.
"Hey! I was talking!" snapped Nancy.
"VIKINGS INTERRUPT! IT IS IN THE VIKING CODE OF VIKINGS TO INTERRUPT!"
"Do I get a chance to speak?" piped up Peter, his finger in his nose to the second knuckle.
"NO!" yelled Olaf joyfully.
NANCY-THE SMALL-TOWN GIRL
OLAF-THE VIKING AT HEART
PETER-THE SLOB
Nancy: This is the first exciting thing I've ever done in my entire life. I hope I don't screw it up. It'd be nice to have a lasting friendship or two, but that might be asking too much considering the previous version of this show was known for its drama and tumultuous relationships.
Olaf: OLAF FIRE-MANE IS HERE FOR GLORY AND HONOR! I SHALL STOP AT NOTHING TO ANNIHILATE THE COMPETITION! WITH MY STRENGTH, POWER AND COMMANDING PRESCENCE, ALL SHALL BOW BEFORE MY MIGHT!
Peter: This is the confessional? (he burps) I have nothing to confess. (he leaves)
The seventeenth contestant to step out of the truck had long, wavy black hair, an expression hidden by sunglasses, and an expensive-looking outfit. Her tank top had QTΠ emblazoned on it in large black letters, and although her identity may not be immediately apparent to you, dear reader, the assembled teens reacted with surprise, disdain, or in Braydon's case, fanboying.
Braydon: OH MY GOD IT'S HER! I watch all of her videos! I'm like, her number one superfan! I can't believe she's here! Looks like this summer's going to be AWESOME!
Eugene: Isn't she the Noodle Challenge girl? I've watched her videos. She's way too high-maintenance. She's probably the first one out. Unless it's me. It's probably going to be me.
Nancy: To think someone so young could be as famous as she is. It's both inspiring and disheartening. More of the latter since she complained about the conditions the whole ride here. She's got a mouth on her.
QTΠ-THE INTERNET SUPERSTAR
QTπ: Hi there, boys, girls and variations thereupon! QTπ of GooTube fame here to win the million and put on a good show for my fans! They're the most important thing in the world to me. Without them, I couldn't make videos, and without them, I wouldn't be here!
Chris waved her off to the side as the next truck pulled into the clearing, disgorging a girl who said nothing, only staring at a point off in the distance. She was clad in black and maroon from head to toe.
"She claims that life is nothing but pain, and has written thousands of poems to prove her point, it's Robin!"
"It's not a claim," said Robin in a low voice. "Life is filled with nothing but endless pain and suffering."
ROBIN-THE MOROSE
Robin: Nothing matters. Human emotions are all merely cleverly disguised sorrow. I am on this show to prove it. Nobody on reality television ever gets a happy ending.
The next contestant to step out of the truck was a normal-looking fellow with averagely cut brown hair, a T-shirt, jeans and sneakers, and a neutral expression. It would be difficult to pick him out of a crowd.
"Hi, everybody. My name is Stu. It's nice to meet you all."
STU-THE REGULAR GUY
Stu: I came here to win the money and maybe make some friends. I hope I make it far in the game.
Stu's arrival passed without incident, but the following contestants fell out of the truck as one. One of them was a dark-skinned girl with a pressed blouse, the other a boy with a shaggy mops of hair growing out of his head and armpits, toting an electric guitar and amp.
The girl picked herself up off the ground, seeming to have a minor panic attack as she tried to scrub the dirt off of her blouse, reproachfully glaring at her companion. He took no notice, striking a chord and waving to the by now large crowd of teens.
THEODORA-THE PRIM 'N PROPER
ULYSSES-THE METALHEAD
Theodora: The nerve of that boy! Has nobody ever taught him to wait his turn? (she pauses) Deep breaths, Theodora, deep breaths. If you're going to display proper decorum, you can't let a little thing like this bother you.
Ulysses: WOOOHOOO! I'M ON FIYAH! That was the sweetest entrance ever. I think I might have knocked down that other girl though. Meh, whatever. I'm here to play good music and have a good time! FIGHT THE POWER! (he pumps his fist)
"All right!" said Chris to the assembled group. "The last truck will be along in a few seconds, and then it's SHOWTIME, right here on Alphabet Adventures!"
The final truck pulled into the clearing. A scream could be heard from inside. As the doors opened, a stocky girl with thick glasses and a beret was literally drop-kicked out of the truck by another girl with a midriff-baring orange crop-top, matching shorts and cleats. She screamed again. It was clearly a scream of triumph.
The girl with the beret picked herself up off the ground.
"Hello, hello! I'm Vivian."
"I'm Braydon! It's awesome to meet you! Have you ever played-" and here his expression got wide "-MINECRAFT?"
"...nooooo...?"
Braydon did not have the time to look like a sad puppy because the drop-kicker had already jumped down, gazing at the crowd, looking like she wanted to challenge them on the field of glorious battle.
VIVIAN-THE DIRECTOR
WANDA-THE BATTLE GIRL
Vivian: The play's the thing-or it's MY thing anyway. Been directing plays at the local community center since I was six. Not so much with the acting though. I am NOT a good actor, unfortunately, but I can help good actors put on great plays. And that's what I plan to do in this game. If I can call the shots and make sure everyone plays their part, I'm due the prize in the end.
Wanda: Wanda Webster is my name! Crushing challengers is my game! I am strong in mind! Body! and spirit! and I will destroy any adversity that comes my way! (she smirks)
The next contestant had spiky blond hair, a confident expression, and gym muscles. He gravitated towards Kyle and Marc almost immediately, clapping them on the back and grinning. However, when Braydon, Nancy, and a few others went over to greet him as they had greeted many of the others, he threw up his hand and turned away, muttering "sorry, I don't talk to losers" under his breath.
XANDER-THE PRETENTIOUS ASSHOLE
Xander: I don't care what I have to do. These people obviously have no redeeming qualities and I'm going to crush them all like bugs.
The penultimate contestant wore dark glasses, a backwards cap, and a vest with silver trim. He looked every single girl in the eye as he hopped off the truck, waving toward the cast and flashing a grin. Iris blushed.
YARDLEY-THE PLAYER
Yardley: I admit that I have a tendency to hop between my companions of the fair sex, but it's because I just love them all too much, see? I'm a guy with a heart full of love and ambition, and I'll go far in this game, I know it.
The last contestant in the truck and in the game was a girl with thick, red-tinted glasses, a beanie, and an apathetic expression. She appeared to be vaping, though it could have been the cold-even summer in Nunavut is not very forgiving. She attempted to wave, but her hand decided to give up halfway through.
ZORA-THE MELLOW HIPSTER
Zora: (she takes off her glasses and stares right at the camera) Was that a good act? Could people tell? I think I got away with it. And if I can continue to get away with it, that would be absolutely rad. It's so much easier to be a strategist if people don't think you're the type of person to be one.
ZORA-THE ANALYST
"And that's twenty-six!" announced Chris gleefully as the truck drove off. "The drama has only just begun. Tune in to Part 2 for all the thrills, chills and spills this season will be dishing out, here on Alphabet Adventures!"
NEXT TIME ON ALPHABET ADVENTURES
The teams are formed and a wrench is thrown into the Total Drama formula
Strategists run rampant all over the island and myriad alliances are formed
A crushing first challenge does a number on the contestants
First vote, first blindside