This has to be the best songfic that I've ever written. I originally posted it in the WarriorsWish fanfiction archives under the name 'Smokeberry'-I reposted it because when I originally published it, it was at the last page of the updates and didn't get noticed. It was also titled "I miss you; I'm so sorry" but apparently you can't have semi-colons in your titles here. _
The lyrics are by All Time Low, and I own nothing aside from the concept and the plot. This is a fanfiction; copyright infringement is not intended.
Make it a sweet, sweet goodbye -
It could be for the last time and it's not right.
"Don't let yourself get in over your head," he said.
Alone and far from home we'll find you...
Hollyleaf strays from the broken path of the patrol, following that familiar scent. She knows that it had to be done, no matter how much heartache it would cost her later. Her delicate ebony paws drag along the hard, frozen ground of leaf-bare. The forest if silent, at least to her. To her,it is like going to her own funeral, or her own death. It may as well be. She has to harden herself to do this, to get this done in order to save herself and her brothers. She dislikes preparing for this, playing out how she will act, where she will spring from, how she will pin him down, and bring her teeth to his throat...
'
She shudders, and her throat clenches with grief.
How can I do this? she thinks, leaping over a small log and stumbling to the other side. But how could he have done this? I trusted him...
But he had threatened her life, and the well being of her brothers. He had ruined her life, and now she did not know to who she belonged, and if this Warrior Code that she had lived by for so long had any actual impact on her. He had stolen her parents from her, and planned to threaten her standing in the Clans because of his shattered heart that had never healed fully, even when Hollyleaf had been with him...
She is standing in the shadows of the stream now, not realizing how quickly it takes to get to the WindClan border. She peers through the ferns, looking through emerald eyes, scanning the banks of the silver stream.
There...
He is there, leaning down and lapping the cool water up to quench his thirst. She marvels at his soft stormy grey pelt the the muscles that they frame. He would be able to defend his Clan valiantly, and with her speed and cunning and his strength and experience, they would be practically unbeatable in battle. His deep blue eyes are closed, and there is an expression of absolute calm on his face. Hollyleaf bites her lip. This will be difficult beyond belief...how can she do this?
Then, suddenly, the wind changes. Hollyleaf can feel the breeze rush past her ears, carrying her scent towards the grey-flecked cat. He stiffens, and she cringes. Maybe he won't see her, maybe he'll just continue to drink, and Hollyleaf will be able to go along all according to plan...but no, his eyes open, and he straightens, rasping the last few droplets from his mouth with a pale pink tongue. He turns towards where Hollyleaf is crouching. He opens his mouth, and tastes the scents on the wind. He is able to pick one out, and his heart leaps.
"Hollyleaf?" he mews, looking towards the ferns. Hollyleaf curses silently to herself, and stands. She slides out of the shadows with a grace unmatched by any other cat alive. Perhaps Spottedleaf or Silverstream could have done so, but their chapters in the story of life have been closed, and they do not matter. Ashfur, once again, finds himself in a sort of silent awe, somehow still not used to Hollyleaf's elegance.
Hollyleaf quells the feelings of guilt that ripple through her heart, tearing it's core. She should not do this, she knows that she should not. But it is the only way...but she cannot help but respond to his innocent greeting.
"Ashfur," she mews in return, dipping her head out of pure habit.
She watches as he tilts his grey-furred head again. Poor thing, he has no idea of what is coming to him! She feels her heart tear again.
"What is the matter?" he says, the tones of concern in his voice are so obvious that even he hears them and cringes slightly. "You don't...seem like yourself."
She bristles at his comment. Of course she wasn't feeling herself! The last time she spoke to him was when he was threatening to burn her and her brothers to death! And her life was turned upside down as she crumbled under the pressure of the secret Squirrelflight revealed, the one that Ashfur was going to tell, to everyone at the gathering. She would be ruined, her family disgraced, ThunderClan mocked. So she had to silence him, before this happened.
"And why should I...look myself?" she mews curtly.
Ashfur is a little taken aback. What happened to the affection that used to ring in her voice when she spoke to him? What happened to the feeling that they both shared? Why did it seem as if something had broken between them? Oh...but of course. She was still sore about the other night... Ashfur knew that she had reason to be, but couldn't she tell that he was not going to let her die? That he was going to climb up the overhanging tree after he dispatched Squirrelflight and save her and maybe her brothers if they swore to secrecy?
"Hollyleaf, if you are still upset about that other night-"
"Of course I'm upset about the other night! You threatened to kill me and my brothers, and you are going to tell our secret at the gathering tonight!" she snarls, her claws out and fur on end. How can he not see! Jayfeather is the blind one in her life, not Ashfur!
Ashfur is stunned. He has never seen her like this! He has known her for her entire life, and never has he seen her in such a rage!
"What is the big deal, Hollyleaf?" he growls back, unable to hide his frustration. "I was going to get you out of there, and why should you even care? It's not your fault that Squirrelflight and Brambleclaw are your parents. You won't be the one to get in trouble!"
"But it's the thought that you iwould/i do something like that, like killing my brothers, for example,is what bothers me!" her voice grows desperate. She wants to talk him out of doing what he is planning to do, she wants him to live, not die at her paws. "You say that you would get me out of that fire, but could you? I couldn't see a way out! And how do you know I won't get scorned at because of you telling everyone this? How can you even do something like this?"
She pauses, out of breath. On reflex, Ashfur waits for her to continue, not talking over her like he would any other cat.
"I thought I meant the world to you." she whispers, looking into his eyes, pleading. "So how can you do this, knowing what it will do to me?"
Ashfur opens his mouth to reply, but cannot find the words. He had not thought of how this would impact Hollyleaf...only how it would complete his vendetta against Squirrelflight.
Hollyleaf watches his expression, his countenance, and does not see what she was looking for in the silence that follows. There is no trace of regret, nor any sorrow. Only the thirst for revenge.
"I knew it..." she hisses. "You still...still-"
"Still what? Hollyleaf, what?"
"Love her."
Dead - Like a candle you burned out;
Spill the wax over the spaces left in place of angry words.
Scream - To be heard, like you needed any more attention;
Throw the bottle, break the door, and disappear.
Ashfur opens his mouth, and closes it again. What? Him? Love Squirrelflight? Still? He had once fancied her, and had felt almost whole when she liked him...but that was before he found out that he was being used. Before she shattered his heart. But Hollyleaf had put it back together again, carefully placing every broken shard in it's proper place, fixing his life, adding new meaning to it. And here she was, leaving him.
His mind flashes back to before. He is standing in a sunny clearing, looking at Squirrelflight. She bore the same grief-striken, agonized look that Hollyleaf wore now. She had asked him to come here with her, and she seemed to want to tell him something. Her voice echoes in his mind; "I'm sorry, Ashfur, but this isn't working out..." she said more, but he did not hear it. He had begged and pleaded with her, wondering what he had done to offend her to this extent. That was the day the world collapsed. And here it was, happening again.
He opens his eyes (he had hardly noticed closing them) and looked at Hollyleaf. She looks back, and cannot read the expression in his eyes.
"It's like before..." he murmurs, half to himself. He feels the rage well within himself, and instead of repressing it, as Hollyleaf has done with her guilt, he lets it go. It flows through his veins like adrenaline, energizing his very being, and before he knows it, has propelled himself through the air and is on her.
Hollyleaf is shocked, and fights back against the whirlwind of slashing claws and snapping jaws. What is this? What had she done? Why is he attacking her like this? He aims a blow at her left ear, and she dodges it, and counters his attack with a well-aimed slash on his shoulder. He breathes in as her claws scrape his skin. Seeing an opportunity, she dashes back a few steps, but he follows. He rears on his hind legs, about to pin her down, but she rears as well, and Ashfur finds his claws gripping her shoulders as she tries to get him away.
He has never felt this way before, He had never mean her harm, never before. But now all he wants to do was to throttle the life out of her, to feel her blood rushing past his claws, to hear her scream...
Hollyleaf is terrified. The vehemence blazing in his sapphire eyes, the rage pouring from his every pore, the way his breath is hot with anger on her neck...
She twists away just in time to save her neck from being cut open by his long fangs. She whirls around, and leaps. Her teeth meet in his neck, and suddenly the fire in his eyes fades away.
He looks up at her from where he is laying on the cold, unforgiving earth. He can see the dim outline of the sun, forming a sort of halo around her. He feels the blood painfully throbbing out of his neck, but he makes no move to stop it. He sees the way her eyes are wide with shock and pain, and he realizes a bit late, that she is not like Squirrelflight. She did not trick him into falling in love with her in order to win someone else. She did not ruthlessly abandon him, as had Squirrelflight. She loved him, unlike Squirrelflight.
He manages to rasp out a phrase, and Hollyleaf, through her shock, catches it.
"Forgive me."
Sing me to sleep, I'll see you in my dreams,
waiting to say, "I miss you. I'm so sorry."
Numbly, Hollyleaf crouches down besides him. She smoothes the fur down on his face, and looks into his eyes for the last time. His blue eyes dimly look into hers, and she thinks she sees a smile hidden inside them. She opens her jaws to mew her answer, but he makes a strangled sound, jerks once, and his eyes mist over.
No, no, no! This can't...can't...
She buries her face in his fur, her ebony body racking with silent sobs. She hadn't given him her answer...why had she waited so long! How could she have-
She stiffens, hearing a twig snap. She looks up, her emerald eyes dull with sorrow. Hollyleaf glances at the ferns, and then slowly turns her head and looks at the stream. There, standing perched on one of the stepping stones is a magnificent tortoiseshell and white tom. At his paws is a twig, neatly broken in half.
"Well orchestrated, Hollyleaf," he mews, and Hollyleaf and her grief is swept away by his voice, his melodious, beautiful voice. Regardless of what he says, the tones and rhythms that pour out of his mouth are angelic. "You truly are the cleverest she-cat in all of ThunderClan."
He delicately leaps off of the rock and over the water, landing on the bank. He had seen most of what had happened, how she had been talking to the grey-furred cat (wasn't his name Sootfur or Ashfoot or something?) and how he had suddenly leapt at Hollyleaf, and how Hollyleaf managed to kill him. He had seen this cat before, when he was fleeing the fire a few days ago. He had seen him threaten Hollyleaf with death, and then found out her secret and was now planning to tell that to everyone. So the loner assumed that Hollyleaf had set this all up, needing to protect herself.
He padded towards her, admiring her. She is so clever and beautiful and cunning and has these eyes that looked like they were made of pure emeralds...one look from them, and he would do anything for her.
Hollyleaf watches dimly as he comes closer.
"What is it, Sol?"
Sol looks at her curiously, the barest traces of concern flickering through his mesmerizing gold eyes. What was wrong? Her voice is cracked and shattered with regret and sadness. Perhaps it's her first time murdering...it takes a long time to get used to it.
"Nothing. I'm just admiring your excellent plan. I hope to learn something from it."
Hollyleaf hardly notices as he sits besides her. All she can think of is Ashfur. Why hadn't she been more careful? She had been planning to kill him, yes, but this was different. She would have had time to say some sort of a goodbye...she hadn't even answered his last question to her...she felt like yowling out her pain to the sky, regardless of who would hear her. But Sol was right there, and she didn't want him to think she was insane.
Sol is really getting worried. He has never seen Hollyleaf like this, as if all the life has been drained out of her. What should he do? He should do something...he looks around the clearing. No one else was there. Good thing, else someone besides him may have witnessed the murder. Apparently, Hollyleaf hadn't thought ahead. She had killed the cat, but now what? What would he have done?
"Come on," Sol mews, tapping Hollyleaf gently with one paw. She looks up at him with dull eyes. "You had better dispose of the body, else there's a large chance that you'll get caught." Hollyleaf tries to reply, but all that comes out of her mouth is a mumble. She can still see Ashfur's eyes, looking up at her as he breathed his last words. Forgive me.
Sol sighs, not fully understanding the pretty she-cat, and lifts the corpse up by it's scruff. The fur tickles his nose, and he has to stifle a sneeze. It's heavy, and he's not the strongest of cats, but he manages to lug it over to the stream.. Hollyleaf stands up, a cry on her tongue as Sol dumps the corpse in the water. With a dull splash, Ashfur's body is in the stream, his eyes still open. It floats down the stream, and Sol watches it, making sure it doesn't get stuck in any branches or something. He breathes a sigh of relief as it washes down the bend. It might get caught on something later on, but it is far away for no one to see any evidence that might be in the clearing.
Sol turns back to Hollyleaf.
"You'll be okay, no one will catch you." he mews, walking towards her and letting her lean into him. He has no idea of why she is so upset now, after he got rid of the evidence. He thinks back to when he had to kill Sharpclaw, the deputy, and shudders. He hadn't wanted to do that. But he was bothering his sister...he had to be ridded he had been incredibly guilty and upset afterwards, not able to stand the looks of sadness and confusion on Leafstar's face... Perhaps Hollyleaf was in the same sort of a dilemma. He strokes her soft ears with a pink tongue.
"It was necessary, Hollyleaf." he mews. "You had to do it. Any way, what was his life to the welfare of yours?"
Hollyleaf looks up at him, into his eyes. With that one statement, the magic in his golden pools Hollyleaf had so often been entranced by had faded.
Forever's never seemed so long as when you're not around
it's like a piece of me is missing.
I could have learned so much from you but what's left now?
Don't you realize you shot this family a world of pain?
Can't you see there should have been a happy ending we let go?
Hollyleaf looked over at the corpse that lay in the center of the clearing, her stomach and heart twisting painfully. She had been able to live somewhat normally when his corpse had been out of her sight. At least, she hadn't felt the urge to yowl her sorrow and grief to the sky. Like she did now.
She wanted him, wanted him with her, wanted him with a burning passion that she had never felt before. Even if it meant her secret being told to every forsaken cat in the entire forest, she wanted his grim smile, his stormy presence, him, with her. Why had she done this? She could have just continued on with the patrol, and waited to see what would happen at the gathering. Why?
And why had he threatened to ruin her and her family? Couldn't he just have put aside his vendetta for once? For her?
She looks over the scene with dull emerald eyes. Everyone is mourning over him. Even Lionblaze.
Lionblaze...?
She finds herself standing up, fur on end, storming to where Lionblaze is crouching by Ashfur's side.
"How dare you mourn over him?" she hisses in his ear. "After all he has done...?"
Lionblaze looks up at her dully. Hollyleaf now sees what Sol had been saying a while ago; her brother was not all that smart. She bares her teeth, and runs back to the den. She buries herself in a pile of moss and bracken and screams a long scream of anger and regret. She lets go all of her mixed and conflicting feelings, sure that no cat alive has ever felt this way...
Sing me to sleep, I'll see you in my dreams,
waiting to say, "I miss you. I'm so sorry."
The tunnels. That was where she is headed. There was no where to run, no where to hide. And the only thing that would stop this horrible, aching pain inside of her was to end it all. She dimly hears the shouts of her two brothers, and feels a small pang of regret at having to leave them behind, especially Jayfeather. She had been his guide and constant friend since kit-hood, and she felt reluctant to leave him now. The ground is wet and slippery underfoot, and twice she trips. She curses, and picks herself up, not wanting them to catch up.
The past moons have been a constant series of nightmares for her. She dreads going to sleep, being tormented nightly by dreams of killing Ashfur, each of them keeping the horror fresh in her mind. And her days have been racked by bouts of depression and regret and sorrow.
There is no point of living.
Sol had betrayed them, by keeping their heritage a secret from them, by playing with them as a cat would a mouse. He was like Ashfur, in a way, not seeing how his games would effect her. The cats who she had thought to be her parents had turned out to be liars, and her true parents didn't want anything to do with them. Sure, Leafpool seemed to care for them, but still... She had betrayed her Clan, and if she remained there, would be looked at with shame and disgust. Even Cinderheart didn't seem to care. So there was nothing to come back to. She picks up her paws, running faster than she had ever run before.
But they caught up to her, their panic and confusion one. They cornered her, and she told them the truth, the stunning and horrific truth.
Jayfeather knew this explained her terrible nightmares, but didn't explain why she cried out for Ashfur nightly.
But Lionblaze understood why she dreamt of Ashfur, having once sipped from the dangerous goblet of love, but it didn't explain for why she saw fit to murder her lover.
And Hollyleaf understood. All too well.
And it was killing her.
She turned, and ran into the tunnels, oblivious to her brothers' protests. All she could think of was Ashfur, Ashfur, Ashfur...
"I'm sorry!" she yowled, hardly noticing as the tunnel walls began to collapse. "I forgive you."
Stars began to glow. She is struck by their prettiness, their alluring scent drawing her closer. They swirl, and in a blinding flash of light, formed...
"Ashfur?" she mewed softly, wishing it to be true, oh so true...
"Hollyleaf!" he yowled joyfully, and bounds towards her all traces of the ruined, broken cat she had seen last gone. Her eyes widen with joy and shock. Soon, she is being covered in a barrage of purrs and whispers and caresses.
"Ashfur," she says, burying her nose into his feather down-soft fur, the tears streaming from her eyes. "I forgive you...i'm so sorry for what I di–"
"–Hush," mews Ashfur, looking into her eyes, his own filling with tears. "I know."
Sing me to sleep
You've taken so much with you...
I'll see you in my dreams
But left the worst with me...
waiting to say, "I miss you. I'm so sorry."
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.