Jill and Snake in: DEAD GEAR

This story takes place before the games Metal Gear Solid 2 and Resident Evil 5. Obviously it also takes place outside the canon of both series. It is a comedy/action story and the humor I use is pretty absurd. There will be some parts of the story that are pure humor, and very silly, then there will be parts that are heavy on the action, and other parts that may be more serious. It's a fairly wide range and I hope you will enjoy it!

Chapter One

Jetpacks and Bazookas

2005, Shadow Moses

Snake fell on his face. Hard. He slid about five feet across the battle-worn steel surface, a loud SQUEEEEE accompanying him until he reached the ledge, his head hanging off the side and the heat of the fire below making his face hot and perspire.

"What's the matter, Snake?" Liquid Snake yelled boisterously, skipping triumphantly over to Snake. "Did I hit you too hard? Does baby need to go back home to mommy?"

Snake lifted his left leg up unexpectedly, the steel toe boot catching Liquid right between his legs.

"OW!" Liquid backed up, doubled over and fell to his knees. "That's not fair! You're cheating!"

Snake rolled away from the edge and got to his knees. "Does baby need to go back home to mommy?"

Liquid and Solid Snake both got up to their feet around the same time, Liquid was no longer looking pleased with himself. "Oh real funny! That was still a dirty trick!"

They raised their fists in a boxing stance and Snake allowed Liquid to approach him.

Snake grinned. "If you think that was a dirty trick wait till you get a load of this."

Liquid threw a fist Snake's way, but Snake ducked and pivoted his body. Before Liquid knew what was happening Snake raised his fist and jumped straight in the air.

"SHORYUKEN!" A trail of fist and fire struck Liquid Snake across the chest and right into his jaw, propelling him improbably across the surface of Metal Gear Rex.

"MY FIGHT MONEY!" Liquid Snake bounced against the edge of Metal Gear Rex's head and tumbled off the side, falling until he was out of sight and landing with a huge crash in the debris and flames below.

Snake approached the edge and looked over the side, confirming to himself that Liquid Snake was, indeed, gone for good. He tightened his bandanna and crossed his arms, turning away from the ledge. "You must defeat Sheng Long to stand a chance."

Suddenly there was a loud rumbling and the entire building seemed to be shaking. Snake braced him self from falling. "Uh - oh! The Gear have started to move!"

There was a sound of frantic footsteps and, to Snake's surprise, Meryl came running up to him dressed in a school girl's outfit with red gloves and tennis shoes. "Snake we have to get out of here, the place is going to blow!"

"Wow," Snake blinked when he saw Meryl. "as if you didn't look young enough already?"

"What?" Meryl shook her head. "You're not making any sense, here! It's dangerous to go alone! Take this!"

Meryl handed Snake a jetpack that he quickly put on his back.

"Snake, don't you want to put on your sneaking suit first?"

Snake reached into his pants and pulled out a pair of sunglasses, he unfolded them and put them on his face. "Babe, where we're going we don't need clothes."

He then wrapped his arm around Meryl's waist and drew her in close to his body. With his other hand he reached for the firing mechanism for the jet pack. He flipped it open like a zippo lighter and pressed the red button. Together, Snake and Meryl took off for the ceiling of the complex. They climbed higher and higher as the entire base crumbled around them. The ceiling split open and they flew off into the sky.

"Oh Snake. You're my hero!" Meryl kissed him. "I'll never leave you, ever!"

"Even if I end up looking like I'm sixty in ten years?"

Meryl hesitated. "Uhm. Of course!"

"Good enough for me."

Shadow Moses exploded behind them, a giant fire ball curling up into the sky.

"Oh shit." Snake cursed.

"What is it?"

"I forgot about Otacon."

Meryl shrugged. "Oh well."

Meryl and Snake flew off into the sunrise. They lived happily ever after to the sounds of "The Best is Yet to Come"

The End.

2005, December

"The End." Snake sat back in his chair, waving his hands in the air dramatically.

Meryl rolled her eyes and shifted in her chair, moving away from Snake. "You're an idiot, you know that?"

The couple's therapist tapped his pen against his note pad. "So, you're saying you beat your evil twin brother with a move you learned from Street Fighter then used a jetpack to fly off into the sunrise holding Meryl in a school girl's uniform who confessed her eternal love for you?"

Snake crossed his legs, folded his hands in his lap and nodded. "Yep."

"That's cool." The therapist nodded. "You live an exciting, fulfilling life."

"I know."

Meryl threw her arms up into the air. "You cannot be serious doctor! That's not what happened at all! We escaped in a jeep and were chased by Liquid after he fell off metal gear. He shot Snake like 50 times but we crashed and got away when Liquid was struck dead with an experimental virus that targets only certain people that a crazed woman had injected into Snake's bloodstream!"

The therapist furrowed his brow. "Uhuh. What happened to Otacon?"

"Uhm. We forgot about him." Meryl hesitated, then snapped her fingers. "And before that Snake fought a crazy psychic who could read his every move! The only way Snake could beat him was by putting his controller in port 2!"

The therapist shook his head and turned to Snake. "How do you put up with her and her lies?"

Snake crossed his arms. "That's why we're here getting help."

Meryl slammed her fist on the therapists desk, causing the poor doctor to jump in his chair. "We're here because he's incapable of showing love! He's a cold, heartless man who only cares about himself and whatever woman he can bag that week!"

Snake jumped from his chair, knocking it over. "How could you?" A single tear rolled down his cheek. "I've lived my entire life on the battlefield! I fought countless enemies and saved the world countless more! Do you know how many calluses I got on my thumb pressing triangle for you? I SHORYUKEN'D a man for you for god sakes, Meryl! That should count for something in this crazy mixed up world!"

The therapist started to sob uncontrollably, dropping his pen and burying his head in his hands. Snake approached him behind the desk and placed a hand on his shoulder. "There there."

"I'm leaving!" Meryl walked over to the coat hanger and grabbed her things, she exited the room but turned back. "And you could never pull of a shoryuken, no matter how hard you tried!" She slammed the door as she left

Snake bit his lip and said under his breath, "I could so pull of a shoryuken."

The therapist, who had calmed down a bit, reached for a box of tissues and wiped his eyes. "You can do better than her, Snake. I know you can."

Snake shook his head. "Doc, somehow I doubt there is a woman alive on Earth who is better than Meryl."

Meanwhile, at the North Pole.

"Jill!" BSAA agent Chris Redfield was dangling upside down, his arms tied with a wreath and a rope wrapped around his feet that was slowly lowering him down into a pot of molten candy canes.

Jill Valentine kicked down the door, propping a bazooka against her left shoulder and holding a hand cannon in her right hand. Her brown hair was tied in a long ponytail with a blue baseball cap covering her head. "Chris?"

"Jill! Santa Claus injected himself with the modified G-Virus! Hurry before he ruins Christmas!"

"And the elves?"

A single tear rolled up Chris' upside down face. "T-Virus infection."

"Shit. Where is he?"

"In his workshop! Hurry!"

Jill hurried down the stairs, lugging the bazooka and the gun effortlessly. Suddenly, the door to Santa's workshop burst open, a group of zombified elves streaming out with arms outstretched.

Jill positioned her feet, aiming the bazooka, not at the elves, but at the pot of molten candy canes. "'tis the season… to kill zombie elves."

BOOM Jill was almost knocked off her feet as a rocket exploded from the bazooka, flying through the air with a hiss and striking the pot of molten candy canes. The pot cracked open from the blast, spilling its contents all over the zombified elves which burned their rotting flesh and hardened instantly, neutralizing the threat almost immediately.

Jill dropped the bazooka, rushed over to Chris, aimed her hand cannon and fired a shot at the rope. The rope snapped and Chris fell from the ceiling. Jill held out her arms and caught Chris in them. She winked at him. "Merry Christmas, Chris Redfield."

Chris looked directly above them and nodded at the ceiling. "Look! Mistletoe!"

Jill blushed, but the celebration was cut short when a large, clawed foot crushed the candy cane'd zombie elves, and out from Santa's workshop emerged a massive, hulking form.

Chris shrieked in spite of himself when he saw Zombie Santa wrap his clawed hands on the workshop's door frame and pull himself through. Once a jolly old ef, Zombie Santa now stood nearly ten feet tall and was as muscular as he was fat and bulbous. His red suit was tattered with smelly, rotten flesh peaking through the rips in the suit. The white fur was covered in red blood and a massive eye began protruding from Santa's right arm. His left arm was covered in claws and was grasping his sack of toys. Except, now there was no toys inside, only the wriggling groaning forms of many, many tiny zombie elves.

"Wow." Chris was the first to speak once Jill let him back on his feet. "I am probably traumatized for life now."

Zombie Santa reeled back and unleashed a loud growl that seemed to shake Santa's house.

Jill grabbed a knife from her belt and cut the wreath binding Chris's hands.

Chris rubbed his wrists. "What's the plan."

Jill grabbed a small block of plastic explosives and tossed it Chris' way. Chris fumbled slightly but caught it in his hands. "Plant the bomb on one of Santa's factory machines. I'll distract ol' Devilish Nick.

Chris nodded and ran off with the bomb in the direction of the toy machines.

Zombie Santa took a massive step towards Jill, its pack of Zombie Elfs slung over his back, looking like an undead peddler ready to open his pack.

"HO HoOo HOO."

Reaching into his bag Santa pulled out a squirming zombie elf, reeled back and threw it at Jill.

Jill, not expecting this, raised her hand cannon at the last minute and fired a shot on the zombie elf. It split clean in half, spraying the poor agent in blood and guts.

"Ugh." Jill wiped her face, hardly having time to recover before Santa reeled back with another elf.

Another elf flew threw the air. This time Jill was ready, and shot it down before it got anywhere near her.

Jill's radio crackled to life. "It's Chris, I planted the bomb! Helicopter should be here in five minutes. Are you all right?"

Jill ducked under a zombie elf that whistled right over her head. She ran and executed a textbook baseball slide beneath Santa's sleigh. Emerging on the other side, she took cover behind it and spoke into the radio. "I'm fine, set the timer and get back here when the helicopter arrives."

"Gotcha."

The creature growled again, frustrated now that it lost sight of the BSAA agent. Frantically looking for something of use, Jill sifted through a small pile of toys that were spilling out of a sack near the sleigh.

"Ahah!" Jill exclaimed, finding something of use.

However, the monster had found her. With a mighty swipe of his clawed hand the sleigh was knocked clean across the garage, smashing into pieces against the far brick wall.

"DRINK COCA COLA."

Jill dove out of the way of another swipe of the creature's mighty arm, rolling to her feet against a near-by wall. Taking a deep breath Jill charged Santa, who drew his arms back to attack. She slid beneath his legs, scrambled to her feet on the other side, and ran to the far part of the garage.

"Come get me you son of a bitch!"

An unnatural smile crept across the monster's fat face. It reached into the pack and pulled out another zombie elf. It drew back and flung it at Jill.

This time Jill was prepared. She brandished the item she found in Santa's sack of toys. A Louisville slugger.

The zombie elf whistled through the air, Jill held the baseball bat at the ready and swung with all her might when the elf was near. CRACK! Jill was sure she had hit a home run, she posed with the bat and put a hand over her eyes, watching the elf sail back where it came from, striking Zombie Santa in it's massive, mutated eye.

"GRRRAAWWWLLL!" The monster shouted it agony, as the Zombie Elf held on for dear life, clawing at Santa's mutated eye. Santa flailed, trying to knock the elf off.

Jill laughed. "I oughta be on a baseball card!"

"Jill!" Chris' voice cut in over the radio.

"What is it Chris?"

"We have a small problem. I set the timer for the bomb, but the snowstorm is too intense. The helicopter can't make it."

"Damn." Jill shook her head. "What do we do?"

"Did you take care of Santa?"

"Almost."

"Can you get away?"

Jill nodded. "I can try."

"Come to the factory room. I have an idea."

Jill caught up with Chris moments later. "I'm here. What's your plan?"

Chris said nothing but smiled and opened a door nearby.

Jill returned the smile with one of her own. "Great idea."

There was a loud growl not too far away, causing the both of them to jump. Jill then began to shove Chris into the doorway. "Come on, come on!"

Chris and Jill entered the stables a moment later. In front of them, untouched by the zombie plague, was Santa's reindeer.

"I hope they can help us, we only have a minute to get out of here."

Chris nodded and approached a red nosed reindeer, he got down on one knee and put a hand on it's head. "Rudolph with your nose so bright, wont you guide us out of hell on Earth tonight?"

Then all of the reindeer loved him

As they shouted with glee,

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer,

You'll go down in history!

"All right," Chris climbed up on Rudolph's back. "Lets hurry on out of here."

Jill had no idea any of the reindeer's names, but she found one that looked friendly enough and climbed up on him.

There was a loud growl, and this time the door to the factory smashed open, the massive form of Zombie Santa trying desperately to climb through the hole in the wall.

"Shit Chris, we gotta get out of here!"

Chris nodded. "Now Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!"

Zombie Santa continued to try pushing through to the other side.

"On Comet! On uhm…"

The wall holding back Santa began to shake and crack.

"On… shit."

"Chris!" Jill shouted. "We gotta get out of here."

"Fine fine." Chris pointed out into the snowstorm. "On everybody! To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall! Dash away, dash away, dash away all!"

The wall broke down and just as Santa tried to swipe at them they were off. Jill, Chris and the reindeer narrowly escaped danger and took off straight up in the air.

Zombie Santa screamed as they got away, throwing his mutated arms up in the air. "MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOODNIGHT!"

Santa's Workshop then exploded in a fiery ball of death, debris and fire thrown in every direction, consuming Zombie Santa in it's wake.

There was a long silence between the two of them for a long while, as they flew farther and farther away from the North Pole.

Jill shook her head, looking at the heavy snowfall ahead of them, then back at the explosion's wake behind them. "I can't believe Wesker sold Santa Claus the G and T-Viruses with the promise that he would be able to make deliveries faster with increased strength and speed."

Rudolph's nose was doing a wonderful job of cutting through the snow storm and lighting their way.

Chris yelled back at Jill, compensating from the roar of wind and snow. "And with Santa delivering a zombie Elf to every child's home, Wesker would ensure Complete. Global. Elf Zombie Saturation." Chris slammed his fist into the palm of his hand. "Dammit! He's gone too far this time!"

"He went too far the last time, too." Jill called back.

"And he certainly went too far that first time!"

"Well I know one thing for sure." Jill took off her hat and wiped the sweat from her brow. "We have to put a stop to Wesker, and soon. There's only so many times we can narrowly avoid the Zombie Apocalypse, you know?"

"I just don't know how he's managed to get so many samples of the T and G-Viruses." Chris clenched his fists. "God I'm so angry I could punch a boulder!"

"Don't worry Chris. We'll find him. He'll pay for ruining Christmas… again."

"For our sakes… I hope so."

Unbeknownst to Jill and Chris who flew into the sunset with the rescued reindeer, a figure was walking through the rubble of what was left of Santa's Workshop.

The figure, with his blond hair slicked back and a pair of sunglasses on his face, bent down when he saw a tattered piece of Santa's suit. He grabbed the ripped red fabric in his gloved hand and stood up, smirking evilly.

"All goes according to plan. Phase One Complete. Christmas is ruined… again." Albert Wesker opened his hand and the red fabric fluttered away in the wind.

"Phase Two begins now. I will return to Old Raccoon City and make preparations. The world will TREMBLE when the only Holiday they will have to look forward to is… WESKERMAS."

Wesker began to laugh maniacally, throwing his hands up in the air. He was cut off, however, when a piece of rubble moved aside and Santa Claus, who had seemingly reverted a back to his original state, was laying beneath it. "Who the hell are you talking to?"

"SHUT UP OLD MAN!" Wesker kicked Santa who flew off into the distance and splashed in the frigid water almost a mile away.

"Soon, Chris and Jill. Soon." Wesker then erupted into his evil laughter again, holding his arms out at his sides.

Wesker fell back into the snow, cackling and waving his arms and legs up and down, creating a snow angel the only way Wesker knew how: Evilly.

To Be Continued.