this will probably update sporadically; i wasn't originally planning to make this a multi-chapter fic (and, in hindsight, i probably shouldn't have)
this will not be very long at all. maybe five chapters at most? not sure yet
maybe longer my idea changed after i typed this note
and to anyone who's read "the way things go" and is wondering why that hasn't updated in five million years ? i'm sorry but i lost the draft for it. i'm going to try and hunt it down but it's looking like i'll have to rewrite the last two parts
yeehaw
arguably ooc!joshua it will be explained eventually i swear
"Well, you're just a darling, aren't you?"
Joshua gently runs his finger down Neku's jawline and kisses him. Neku shivers, not from an unfamiliar pleasure but out of fear. It's not often the Composer is around, and he always seems to be up to something. Neku's fully aware of the gun laying beside them, silently urging him to do as Joshua desires. Even if it weren't a threat - which maybe it isn't, today - he'd probably be terrified of the weapon. He just can't lay eyes on firearms nowadays, not without breaking into a cold sweat and burying his face further in his clothing to avoid the curious stares of citizens wondering just what the hell is wrong with this kid. Not that such a situation occurs often, but during high times of stress (i.e. most days where Neku leaves the house) an obviously fake subsitute will suffice.
He is not completely unscarred, physically speaking; there is just the barest hint of a scar there, right on his pretty little face, invisible to many people but obvious to Joshua. He often kisses the old wound in an almost loving way, giggling softly. He does this again, in the present moment while Neku is drowning in thoughts, then presses their foreheads together, smiling ever-so-softly. It's all a lie, Neku believes; a ploy to get him to let his guard down.
Well, there is just no way in hell he's ever going to do that. Joshua can just keep on dreaming.
Neku's eyes screw shut and he twists away, his face burning. He can't, he won't. He will not let things continue. He never has, that he can remember, but it's always in his head. Bare skin against bare skin, a sort of cliché beautiful thing. Neku is not a romantic, nor does he find anything beautiful, but he's always imagined intercourse as such. Joshua as such.
And he cannot, under any circumstances, allow such feelings to go beyond fantasy. No matter how badly Joshua may want it himself.
No. Neku shakes his head. He does not want this, he does not want this.
"Neku." Joshua pouts. He gently turns Neku's head back towards him, blue eyes still closed. "Dear. Please. Open those pretty eyes for me?"
"Don't touch me," Neku orders, pushing the boy away. It's a struggle, getting himself out of their tangle of limbs, but surprisingly Joshua allows him to break free. The Composer has almost a stunned look on his face, as though he had not expected Neku to refuse. Their encounters don't end quite like this; it's true they never go beyond faux-romantic kisses and cuddles, but Neku had never forced it to stop.
"What's wrong, Neku?" Joshua asks. His brow creases, though he looks more confused or frustrated than concerned. Neku almost wants to laugh at the Composer's attempt to care.
What's wrong, more like, why are you still here.
Neku merely scowls in response. No need to humor him, no need to bother. The worst Joshua can do now is kill him. Death could be a gift, Neku reflects; no more confusion, no more anger. No more sorrow.
"My, Neku..." Joshua traces the contours of Neku's jaw. "It's a bit early to die again, wouldn't you say?"
Neku stiffens. Did he forget? As much as he'd like to, he can't frantically search his pockets, but he can't believe it. Cannot believe it. Did he really forget to bring his player pin along?
"It would seem you did," Joshua replies with a barely-repressed chuckle. "Now..."
Joshua pulls him closer with a very gentle tug. "Why don't you stay a while longer?"
Neku feels filthy. Dirty, horrid, disgusting. It's a sensation that crawls all over his pallid skin, trying to dig underneath. Just like Joshua. He almost feels like the man is still there, pressed roughly against his back and nipping at his neck and shoulders. As if one wrong move and he'll wake up to see that he'd never left his side.
Neku shivers at the thought. He quickly strips off his clothing, making a mental note to burn it all later, and turns on his shower. He's turns the heat up as high as he can stand, then turns it up a bit more. He knows boiling himself alive will not fix anything, but he thinks it could make him feel at least marginally better.
He steps in tentatively, wincing as the water hits him. There is nothing worse, he thinks, than hitting the point where he must use pain to take away pain. Nothing worse than knowing it was Joshua that led him to this point.
The man has never asserted himself in such a way before; he always backed off when Neku wanted him to. He can't understand. What changed? Neku mentally backs away from these thoughts. He can't keep fretting and thinking of this.
There is nothing he can do now but wash and waste away.
Neku feels the gentle tap tap tapping of cold metal on his skin and he stiffens, begins to shake. He bites his lower lip roughly, hoping to distract from the fear. It only seems to egg Joshua on; he flips Neku over and begins tapping the gun on his chest, the motion more aggressive than before.
"Come on, Neku," Joshua says softly. "You know what I want, don't you?" He smirks and holds the gun up. In his eyes is a hint of warning, something like you'd better watch yourself.
Neku scowls. He flips the Composer onto his back, switching positions so that he's the one on top. He leans closely into his face, teeth bared as though he were an animal. "Do you think you're going to get it through threats?"
"I want satisfaction, and I want your death." Joshua laughs, a sound that is almost like a vicious wildcat. "Either way, it's a win-win."
Neku pushes himself up and adjusts his position so that he is straddling Joshua. He outstretches his arms. "Then I guess I'm dying again."
"I can only watch this time," Joshua whispers. "I wish you the best of luck, Neku."