FUCK YEAH! I'M ACTUALLY WRITING SOMETHING!
You gonna make sure it doesn't delete itself this time Shirt?
YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH RADNUS!
So you gonna do it or what?
...do what now?
The disclaimer, igit.
Oh yeah. We don't own anything but our names, really. Even then, that's kinda of a BVB reference...main thing is don't sue my ass off, because if you take my paycheck I'll devour your souls.
...this is why we can't have nice things…
LET'S GET INTO IT!
(Song: Phoenix Wright Turnabout Sisters)
Chapter 1: For the PIE!
It was a warm and crisp May afternoon. The sun gave the air a perfect temperature, and the breeze wasn't bothersome as it usually was. Our two main characters, Radnus Mc and ThatGuys Shirt were on a trip to Mt. Ebbott for a camping trip right before AP Exams, which was truly needed (that and they were both looking for any opportunity to get out of school) It was a little after two, and Radnus Mc was waiting on the Activity Bus, enjoying the peaceful atmosphere.
"Dammit wi-fi, stop being such a whore and LOAD!" Oh yes. ThatGuys Shirt, more commonly referred to as Shirt. She was holding her phone out like Simba towards the school, trying to download a song that she tried to access last minute. As if calling the wi-fi a whore was going to make it load any faster, Radnus thought. Maybe if she complimented it it would feel better about itself and push itself for more compliments...no that's stupid, I've been hanging around her too much. "Shirt, what the hell are you doing?! We're leaving in like three minutes!" Radnus yelled.
"I need this song! It's a 'Death By Glamour' remix!" Shirt told him.
"And you decide to download it now?!" Radnus shouted. "It's Nagisa's album all over again…"
"Don't you give me that tone, shit's fire man!" She yelled. The song finished downloading and she ran up to the bus, sitting right next to him.
"All set?" Radnus asked. Shirt took off her duffel bag and opened it. "Food, blanket, phone, headphones, charger, scissors, emergency wi-fi hotspot, knife...yep, we're set." Shirt said, smiling to herself. "I get the entire week off, and I don't have to work. And I get paid still. Man, this was our greatest idea yet." Radnus stared at her for a second. Did all she really care about is the was not having to work? No she probably cared about her snacks more. He sighed. He wasn't all that surprised. Food was always her main priority. He had all of his drawing notebooks and DS games packed away in his own bag (and his own stash of food, he and Shirt both knew she wasn't going to share). The supervisor walked onto the bus with a clipboard. He was an older man in a stereotypical overexcited camper outfit, and his shoes looked worn to the ground.
"Mr. Supervisor, I got one question for you:" Shirt began, her eyes finding his shoes.
"Don't do it."
"BUT I MUST."
"Swear to god Shirt."
"We both know I'm Satanist. Your swears to your god mean nothing to me."
"Shirt…"
"WHAT."
"Do not."
"THE FUCK."
"I mean it."
"ARE THOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSE?!"
"This is why we can't have nice things Shirt."
"Well well, if it isn't Radnus Mc and ThatGuys Shirt. How did you manage to get on this trip?" The supervisor asked. I swear this man hated us since his old, saggy, fade to vanilla white eye holes touched our faces.
"Well, there was a permission slip, and a pen, and my dad's signature, and my feet. The end." Shirt answered. He just narrowed his eyes at her and Radnus rolled their eyes.
"I'll keep an eye on her, I promise. She won't cause too much trouble." Radnus said. "But Raaad…" Shirt whined childishly. "You're no fun." Radnus gave a slight wink and the supervisor twitched his eyebrow.
"I saw that!" He yelled. "You two can't get anything past me!"
"Saw what?" Shirt asked. "I'm surprised you can see anything past your old wizard eyes." He growled angrily.
"That wink! I saw that wink!" He shouted.
"What is this wink you speak of?" Radnus asked.
"You winked just a few seconds ago!"
"Shirt do you remember me winking?"
"Nope."
"YOU DID-" The old man was jerked backwards as the buses sudden start. Laughter lit across the bus like a wildfire. The coach stood up dazed as he heard a camera shutter, to see Radnus with a camera.
"This will make the DANKEST of memes." Shirt said. Trying to keep some dignity in tact, the counselor, Mr. Kenneth quickly got up and to his seat, and along the way to Mt. Ebbott, continued to give them dirty glares.
"Yo Shirt, you bring that Necronomicon? Gandalf's grandpa keeps looking at us I really want him to stop." Radnus asked.
"Nah fam, I left it with Alyssa." Shirt said. Radnus just stared at her blankly, as if she just spoke in an alien language..
"So you left one of the most powerful books of all time, a book of pure evil and black magic, with Alyssa . . . why?"
"I don't know, I let her borrow it a week ago." Radnus finally realized why he saw a flying pig earlier that week, he could have assumed it was Shirt, but even she wouldn't be that stupid with magic.
". . . why?"
"She gave me Pocky."
". . . so you gave her a book on Black Magic...for food."
"Sounds about right."
"You realize we can never go back now."
"Uh-huh."
After a long ride of shenanigans and making Mr. Kenneth wish he really did go to medical school, the bus finally stopped at the woods of Mt. Ebbott. The fifty something year-old man stood up and stretched, shooting death glares at the two as he got to the front of the bus.
"Alright everyone, we finally made it. Find a buddy and get to the campground before nightfall, I'll hand you a map before you leave the bus." Radnus and Shirt got up, stretching as Shirt got an evil look on her face.
"No."
"But he makes it so easy…"
"Dammit Shirt you're going to get us expelled…"
"WHY NOT?!"
". . . Fine, but for the record I said no."
"YAY!"
Mr. Kenith began to shuffle off the bus, looking down at the maps and-
"COWABUNGA MOTHERFUCKER!"
Before he could stop the 99-pound student, she jumped onto his back as he landed on the grass next to the bus, standing on him like a surfboard.
"NANANANANANA!" She shouted, imitating the stereotypical surf music. Before she could cause any more trouble, Radnus grabbed his camping bag, Shirt, a map, and ran off into the woods, following the trails.
"Bye Mr. Leonard!" Radnus yelled as he carried the psychopathic teen next to him.
"IT'S KENITH YOU SHITS!" He shouted.
The two teens ran through the woods until they couldn't hear the screeches of the old counselor. Stopping for a second to catch their breath, the male teen glared at his female compatriot.
"THE HELL!"
"What?"
"WHEN I TOLD YOU FINE I DIDN'T MEAN RIDE HIM LIKE A SURFBOARD!"
"You act like I listen to you. Hehe. Silly human, you know all that you tell me are just suggestions."
"Those 'suggestions' are to keep us out of shit situations that we always seem to get into just because you can't seem to control your sociopathic tendencies."
"But isn't it fun having a sociopathic friend? I always keep you on your toes fam. Gets you some exercise. Besides, I'm pretty good entertainment, and I always have food on me. What's not to love?"
"Ughhh!" Radnus sighed, it was no use try to get through that THICK DEMONIC METAL CAP she calls a skull. Might as well just try to find there was through these woods. "Nevermind, let's just try and not be lost, if I run out of food I'll starve to death because I know you're not sharing."
"You know me so well human. Now let's find the campground before we find some unexpected hazard that'll make me lose my shit and kill people." Shirt said. The two continued to walk not that far into the woods before discovering their first obstacle, a forty five degree uphill incline. The two just stared at each other.
"Ugh, just staring at this hill makes me exhausted. We need like an outdoor escalator to get up this shit. It's so faaaaar." Shirt whined. Radnus didn't really appreciate the climb either but they needed to stick to the map, otherwise they'd end up fighting some angel-demon hybrid for the fate of this reality like every other Tuesday.
"I hope we find something cool, like a dead deer or a bear or something. I'm feeling the mood for stabbing or fighting something. Then we can eat food. Sounds like a solid plan." Shirt said to herself. "Alright, I've convinced myself. Onward we go!"
"I think I've had enough bears for the next couple years now." Earlier this month Shirt and Alyssa had the beautiful idea to start a bear wrestling ring, this ended quickly as Shirt taught a bear to bring a knife to a fist fight. He at least had to psychically suplex like 30 bears.
"That shit was epic and you know it! That bear was a certified thug!...until Animal Control came and put a tranquilizer up his ass and had to put him down...rest in peace Big Papa J." Shirt said.
"The fact that you named him Big Papa J is-" Radnus stop his sentence as they came up to a diverging path, one leading into the deep darkness and the other leading into a disney meadow with a waterfalls, flowers and woodland creatures. Radnus started walking down the dark path.
"Hey, we didn't even have the meaningful discussion on the path we should take!"
"You were going to choose this path anyways, so I'm not going to fight it."
"But I had an entire meaningful speech prepared. Like the meaning of life and all that. I actually prepared something and you didn't wanna listen to it...you dirty dirty whore! I actually put WORK into something and you don't even want to hear it!" The boy just stared at her.
"The meaning of life is to die and the path represents the inevitable fate of all things holy and unholy, and it's our principle of existence to face our own destiny into oblivion. Yea . . . Yea I know you gave this speech that time you wanted to trade the concept of light for a sandwich."
"Not just any sandwich Rad. It was a Meatball Marinara sub from Subway. FOOTLONG. AND THAT SHIT WAS TOASTED." Her mouth watered. She reached into her bag and pulled out the same sandwich and unwrapped it, smiling. "Time for a food break." As soon as Shirt was about to take a bite of her sandwich that would plunge the world into darkness, a raccoon jumped out the bushes, snatched it and ran off into the bushes. They both stared, Radnus in surprise and Shirt in complete horror. She laid on the ground, her face to dirt.
"I change my mind. Time for death. Fuck life. I can't even eat a fuckin' sandwich without animal shits coming around and being like 'YEET' and stealing my food." Shirt whined. "I wanna go to Hell now. Shirt's ready." At this point Radnus had to start dragging shirt by her american trash jean collar. They continued on like this until they reached a sort of large and wide gap in the ground, an old rickety bridge covering it.
"Get up, I'm not dragging you across." As they approached Shirt was dragged out of her mourning by the smell of something sweet, something nutritious, something like . . .PIE.
"Radnus, my food senses are tingling. I smell something edible, and Shirt must eat it." She said, breaking from the grasp of her friend. She ran over to the hole and smelled the inside of it, her tongue hanging out.
"I think there's a giant pie in there. I can smell it." Shirt said. "If there's no way out, at least we have the pie. Therefore, your argument is invalid." Without even any kind of warning Shirt threw herself into the hole. Radnus just stood there looking down and shrugging his shoulders, he couldn't just leave her by herself, he'd just get bored anyways if she wasn't here. They were falling, fast, it seemed like forever to Shirt until she landed on her face. Getting up quickly she looked around only to be disappointed.
"RAD! I WAS DECEIVED! THERE IS NO PIE! ONLY FLOWERS! THIS IS BULLSHIT!" She yelled. "BUT I CAN STILL SMELL IT! THERE IS PIE! I MUST FIND! GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE SO YOU CAN HELP ME!" Shirt didn't have to wait long as she saw a white glow slowly descend from where she fell. Radnus was using his psychic powers to float down. Shirt stood there kinda dissapointed . . . again.
"YOU CHEATER! You were supposed to fall on your face like I did and I was going to RELISH in the moment! You gotta be fucking metal and punch the earth with your FACE!" She yelled. She face planted the earth again, continuing to bang her head against the hard . . . purple stone floor and yelled out something that sounded like "FUCKIN' BRUTAL MAN!" While the duo were wrapped up in shenanigans, a small yellow flower popped up higher than the rest, large eyes and a adorable yet unsettling smile, in a little high pitched voice it started to speak out to the duo.
"Hi, My Names-"
"Would you stop that, the sound of your skull slowly denting is giving me a migraine."
"You gotta learn Rad, you just gotta . . ." Shirt stared at the smiling flower, blinked a few times. She stood up and looked at her friend."I swear to Satan, that shit isn't mine."
"What the hell are you talking abo-" He was cut of by pure surprise at the small yellow plant. "The fuck is this?" Then it started talking.
"Hello there! My name is Flower the Flowey . . . oh God I fucked it up . . . I mean Flowey the Flower! FLOWEY!"
"Nope, already done fucked it up. ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?!" Shirt yelled. Radnus just stared at his friend.
"That's it, I'm taking your meme card, you don't have the right to meme for the next thirty minutes."
"Fuck you, I do what I want!" Shirt yelled…"So um...little sorcery flower, what were you going to say before you screwed up? I swear I won't meme you this time." The flower looked at the two in . . . a mix of surprise, disgust, and confusion. It quickly got over that and continued speaking.
"Anyway, you two must be new to the Underground, aren't cha?" He asked.
"Well duh, didn't you just see me nearly fall to my death?!" Shirt yelled. Radnus just punched his friend in the shoulder.
"Hee hee hee...why'd you make me introduce myself if you already know who I am?" Flowey asked, winking at them both. Both of them tensed up for a moment. Shirt's eyebrow twitched.
"Listen hoe, I don't throw myself down holes for shits and giggles very often. So how you know me is beyond me unless Satan can't keep his big mouth shut." Shirt said.
"Yeah, the fact that you know is kinda creepy." Radnus agreed. "So um...how do we get out of here?"
"Don't worry about that!" Flowey said. "I want to show you guys something!" A sort of blinking sound was heard before a white heart appeared in Radnus' chest and a black heart appeared in Shirt's. Both of them stared at it in awe, then Shirt tried to poke hers, her finger going through it.
"See that? It's your SOUL! The very culmination of your being!" Flowey said. "Sure, it's weak right now, but if you get LV, it becomes str…wait, I've never seen a black SOUL before. Why's it black buddy?"
"First off, fuck off, I'm not your buddy. Second off, it's Corruption bitch. I dunno about Rad, but I've been kinda fucking around with Satan for a little while. Third off, is that some kind of low-key racist joke?" Shirt said. At this moment Radnus eyes when black for a quick second, then returning, 'What . . . where am i?' He thought they were in the woods before but now they seem to be in some hole, at the far end was an entrance to a cave.
"It doesn't matter. But hey, I have something else for you!" Flowey said. Before Flowey could continue, Radnus spoke up surprised at the speaker of the voice.
"Holy crap Shirt, it's a talking flower!"
"I should kill it. Doesn't seem as much worth to us anyway."
"But we don't even know its name!"
"You shit, he fucked up his own name five minutes ago!"
"Did he? . . . Where are we anyways? Weren't we walking through the woods?"
"I'm going to choke you Rad . . . listen, that little shitlet is Flowey. We fell down a hole because I smelled pie. And I still smell pie, so once we deal with the Home Depot reject, we're going to go find it. Apparently the little sorcery flower said it's the Underground. All caught up now?" Shirt knew Rad had memory issues so she didn't try and give him to much crap for it.
"Oh . . . um sure . . . i guess. Now what were you saying . . . Flowey?" The flower just stared at the boy. 'Is this kid an idiot or something.' the plant though before continuing.
". . . Anyway, you guys want some LV, don't you? It's LOVE!" Flowey said. "And I've got some. . . um . . . 'friendliness pellets' here for you!" A few white floating pellets appeared in front of the two, and Shirt just stared at them. She groaned.
"Nah, I'm good. Not into the whole 'let's all become buddies thing'. I got Radnus, so I think I'm pretty solid." Shirt said. "Besides, you've failed to offer me food." The flowers face morphed from cartoonish to gruesome, as a bone chilling grin appeared on its face.
"No, really I INSIST!" Radnus and Shirt quickly dodged as the white pellets flew at them in high speed. The pellets hit the wall behind them, they looked back to see little creators in the walls. The did not want to get hit by that.
"HIT THE DECK!" Shirt yelled as a second wave came back to them. "SATAN STOP FUCKIN' AROUND!"
"Don't you get it?" The flower sent vines at them. Shirt reached into her pockets and took out two pairs of steel scissors, as the vines rocketed towards her she expertly cut through the ropes, she also used them to deflect pellets. Suddenly a missed pellet hit the teen in the side. A sickening crack followed, this shouldn't hurt at all, she barely felt pain to begin with. The satanist fell to her knees, as she was surrounded by bullet like projectiles.
"Get what?" Radnus said as he ran over to shield him and Shirt from another wave with a psychic bubble.
"In this world, it's kill or be killed." Flowey said evilly. An even greater number of "friendliness pellets" surrounded the two, and they stood back to wrapped around the shield, slowly squeezing tighter and stronger..
"OH HELL NO!" Shirt yelled. "This is NOT how I'm going out! Not without that pie!"
"We'll, figure something out! I can't keep this bubble up forever!" Radnus yelled.
Before either of them could form a half-assed plan, a barrage of small fireballs destroyed the pellets, Radnus let the shield down and dropped to his knees. He didn't feel as worn as when he usually uses his powers, even Shirt felt better. Shirt grinned.
"HA! SUCK IT NERD, SATAN ACTUALLY CAME THROUGH!" Shirt yelled.
"WHAT?!" Flowey yelled. Before psychopathic flower could attack or Shirt could make another Satanic snide comment, a giant fireball came and knocked Flowey away, sending him deeper into the catacombs of the Underground.
"The hell . . .?" Shirt said to herself. "Satan came through twice? Wow, new record."
"Um Shirt, I don't think that was Satan, but close." He turned shirt around to face a giant goat woman wearing long robes, She had a cheery and warm smile on her face before finally speaking.
"What a horrible creature, torturing poor, innocent youth!" The woman said.
"Sure, let's call it that." Shirt said.
"Forgive me, but who is 'Satan'?"
"Well-" Shirt was cut off by Radnus's hand on her mouth.
"No one important. So may we ask your name?"
"Oh I'm sorry, I've been incredibly rude haven't I? My Name is Toriel."
-End-
AWWWW SHIT! IT'S GETTING GOOD!
For god's sake Shirt, don't talk about Satan with Toriel.
BUT WHAYYYY?
BECAUSE YOU'LL CORRUPT THE UNDERGROUND!
SHUT IT NERD! Besides, we have to talk about the next chapter.
You mean we have to go through the Ruins?
No. We must find the pie.
You little. . .
UNTIL NEXT TIME!