We all know that Batman is well-known for being a fearless vigilante, but there are some things even he is wary of. I've read a few fanfictions where Bruce/Batman and Dick/Robin have 'the talk' which usually featured Dick/Robin running away (which I thought were hilarious) and decided to do my own twist on the talk. This is my first Young Justice and Batman-centered related fanfic (I have written a few stories for Teen Titans). I tried to keep them in character as much as possible but it might veer a bit slightly for the sake of comedy (I tried to avoid as much as possible).
This will mostly be a short series of one-shots (unless otherwise noted), inspired by the concept of a song by one of my favorite bands; by the last chapter I have planned so far, there will be a big clue and chances are you can figure out the song I'm referring to (this story's title is a big clue) if you are familiar with the band and haven't figured it out already- but the story is still relatable even if you don't like or know the band/song I'm talking about.
Disclaimer: I do not own Young Justice, Batman, or anything related to the DC comics universe. Please read, review and enjoy.
Chapter 1: The Talk (Part I: Interrogation)
Bruce Wayne was in his study reflecting on how much his adopted 13-year-old son, Dick Grayson, has grown over the years. He's noticed that Dick is starting to show interest in girls, particularly a young magician on the Team. When he took his young ward in, Bruce knew that the boy would eventually have to grow up, much to the man's disliking. Although Bruce had wanted to put this off as long as possible, he decided it's time that he and his son had 'the talk'.
Dick was in his room on the computer when he heard a knock at the door.
"Come in." Dick replied.
"How's your homework coming along, Dick?" Bruce asked as he entered the room to walk towards the younger male.
"I finished it all during study hall; I'm just playing a game now." The teenager informed his guardian as he kept his eyes glued to the screen.
"That's good." The billionaire said before he looked over the boy's shoulder and noticed that many of the female characters in the game were wearing tight and revealing clothes. 'Just in time' he thought to himself before he spoke again. "Dick, would you mind playing that game later? We need to talk."
"Am I in trouble?" The boy asked with a concerned tone, still playing his game.
"No, I just figured we're overdue for a talk." Bruce said trying to manage an even tone.
"I knew this day would come eventually." Dick said with a sigh as he saved the game and put the computer on sleep mode before turning his chair to face Bruce.
"Trust me, this isn't exactly going to be a picnic for me either." The older male assured his charge.
"I guess not." The younger male considered "So... What do you want to know?"
"Come again?" The man asked what he assumed was his 'innocent' son, to make sure he heard him right.
"What do you want to know about the glitch in the Wayne Tech data system?" The teen asked.
"There's a glitch in the data system?" Bruce asked slightly distracted from the conversation, before realizing it can wait and getting back on topic. "Regardless, that wasn't exactly 'the talk' I had in mind." He hinted, emphasizing the common term.
"Finally, I thought you'd never do this." Dick said with a slightly excited voice as he stood up from his computer chair.
"What?" Bruce said with a raised eyebrow, surprised by the boy's reaction.
"I've had so many questions that I've wanted to ask for almost a year." His teen ward confessed.
"You know that you could have asked me anytime. You didn't have to wait for the 'official' talk." The man informed his son.
"I know. But I had a lot of questions and you're always so busy with work, charity events, the League, and patrols. It just never seemed like the right time. I was thinking about asking Roy, but he's been busy working on that top-secret mission overseas." The teen admitted.
Knowing the mouth Roy had, combined with the stories of the young archer's adolescent shenanigans that he had heard from Green Arrow; Bruce was thankful that his son didn't turn to Roy when it came to seeking questions regarding sex and love.
"Well then, I suppose I should get started." Bruce said slightly uncomfortably as he began to sit in the boy's computer chair while gesturing for the boy to sit on the bed across for him. He cleared his throat before continuing: "Now then, when a man and a woman love each other very much…." The mentor started to say before he was interrupted by his protégé raising a hand to signal him to stop.
"It's okay, Bruce. We can skip that part. My health and science teachers already taught us about the biology and mechanics of reproduction." Dick informed Bruce.
"Are you sure?" The guardian responded, slightly confused. "I thought you said you had questions?"
"I do, just not about where babies come from." The teen declared.
"Alright, what type of questions do you have?" Bruce asked his son, who was now turning a little red in the face.
"Well…" Dick started to think about which question he should to ask first. "What age should a guy lose his virginity?"
"Well, that's a very personal decision and there's no one size fits all answer." His guardian answered trying to remain neutral before adding: "I, for one, would consider 13 to be too young."
"Don't worry, Bruce; I'm not planning on doing anything like that just yet. I'm probably going to need a lot of advice before I even attempt to do anything with anyone." The youth replied in a relaxed manner.
"Advice?" Bruce asked wondering where his ward was going with this.
"Well, yeah. All the guys at school ask me questions about any advice you have given me about dating and sex. I mean it's not every teenage boy that's adopted by a notorious playboy billionaire, you know." The adolescent explained.
"I thought you of all people would know better than to follow rumors spread by the media." The infamous womanizer stated with a smirked and raised eyebrow.
"Oh, I know better all right." Dick claimed. "Then again, I also have firsthand experience in witnessing strange women spending the night in your room. And don't think Alfred and I don't know what goes on in there."
"Richard!" Bruce exclaimed in shock of the accusations coming out of the boy's mouth.
"How naïve do you think I am?" Richard asked as he started to fold his arms. "I'm not a little kid anymore, Bruce. I'm grown up enough to figure out what adults do behind closed doors."
"What goes on between two consenting adults behind closed doors is private." Bruce stated bluntly with the famous Batglare before relaxing his face and sighing to add: "But you're right. You're not a kid anymore, Dick. You're becoming a man and if you have any questions, I want you to feel free to come to me."
"Good, because I still have more questions." Dick said with his face lit up.
"Then I'll try my best to answer them." Bruce promised with a small grin on his face.
"Okay, so what age did you lose your virginity? Better yet, who did you lose your virginity to?" The young man began to interrogate his father figure.
"Those aren't the type of questions I was thinking of." His guardian replied as the grin faded.
"How many women have you been with?" Dick changed the question, though he knew what Bruce meant.
"Perhaps it's time we discuss that glitch in the Wayne Tech's data system…." The mentor attempted to change the subject in a nonchalant tone.
"Oh, I got it. Who do you think is more attractive: Catwoman or Wonder Woman?" The adolescent inquired, ignoring his adopted father's comment. "And have you ever dated either of them?"
At that point, Bruce realized that he had backed himself into a corner. Dick was going to keep asking him embarrassing personal questions that the billionaire wasn't quite ready for his teenage son to know about yet. Bruce realized this was partially his fault for teaching the boy how to be a detective and interrogate people until he got the answers he wanted.
At this point, the detained man did the only logical thing he could think of: he reached into the utility belt he always wore under his business suit and reached for a smoke pellet; which he quickly grabbed and dropped on the floor to make a quick exit.
Once the smoke had cleared, Dick realized he was alone in his room with his door closed. It was locked from the outside. He attempted to open it by jiggling the knob, but it was no use. Dick began pounding on the door while shouting: "You can't run from me, Batman; I know where you live and I know all your secrets! If you think The Joker's bad, just wait until I get out of here!"
To be continued...