A/N: This piece came to me. I'm not one for being soppy, but there are a few things I regret in my, so far, short life. One of those regrets will play out in this story.
This is my first time writing a Teen Titans fanfic, so bear with me if you can. XD Kidding! :) Not sure if this is a one-shot or not.
Warning: It has been so long since I've read and watched TT. Sorry in advance.
-TT-
Raven was sitting on the roof of Titan Tower.
For once, she wasn't meditating. Well, to be precise, she wasn't chanting. She was reflecting on the past. Her open eyes stared out across the city without really seeing it.
What's done is done, echoed in her mind. The past cannot be changed. Facts cannot be changed, no matter how much we wished they weren't true.
Her own words came back to haunt her.
She thought of them all. All the people she loved. It was a short list.
But it always surprised her how long she could think of them.
First, there was Robin.
He had been their leader. He had been the first to accept her, even though she was not "normal". He was the first to see her as just another person. He did not see her as a pawn, nor did he want her power. He saw her personality and liked her for being simply Raven. He hadn't known of her past then, but he hadn't pushed her away when he did find out. She was grateful to him for her life and her home.
But he was taken away.
It had happened all too suddenly for Raven's liking. But she could no more control another than she could predict the future. She would never choose for her - friends. It was their life, their destiny. Their story for them alone to write.
It irked her a little that the word "friend" still bothered her. But it was just as irksome as someone else, who was currently nagging her mind. She sighed inwardly and let the nagging thought take center stage - for the moment.
Starfire. She was the nagging thought. Raven grumbled, but listened all the same.
Another loving friend, Starfire was the one. She had taken Robin away. Now the two of them lived in the Tamaranian galaxy. So far away, even Raven's mind-talking powers couldn't reach them. Star and Robin had been in communication with her, but the physical distance saddened Raven. Though she only admitted that here, in her own mind.
She loved Starfire as a friend and in a sisterly way, but Raven wasn't jealous. Robin deserved Starfire and Starfire more than deserved Robin. Besides, they had always looked good together. Everyone said so.
The fact they were so far away hurt more than the fact they were together.
An improvement, the cold side of her mind sneered, nodding its cold head approvingly. Well, now at least you're not feeling sorry for yourself!
Go away! She screamed in her mind. I'm thinking. I did not invite you here.
The red-robed figure smirked.
Keep telling yourself that, it said unkindly. But the red-cloaked Raven obeyed and slowly disappeared from view.
Raven sighed and passed over Robin and Starfire in her mind. They no longer hurt. In fact, she had received another letter today. Happily, she had opened the letter, looking forward to Star's girlish, bubbly talk and Robin's concise, businesslike and strangely clear descriptions of the alien world.
Raven was okay with their relationship. She was happy to hear Robin and Star were doing well. A surprising thought, but a joyful feeling all around. Definite improvement, she grudgingly agreed.
Raven shifted so she wasn't staring directly at the sun as it crept lower into the sky. Sitting on the roof was comfortable. Watching the sunset and the moon rise was a favorite pastime. But right now, it was a bit unnerving to have the sun glare at her. It seemed as though the sun was reprimanding her.
The next thought hit her unexpectedly.
Beast Boy.
Her heart panged a little at the thought of the green Titan. She took back her previous thought. The sun was scolding her. Raven relaxed and floated, meditating about Beast Boy's betrayal.
BB had been hard to befriend. They had always traded insults and jibes. But somehow, their jests had turned to friendship. They depended on each other to provide a laugh at the expense of the other. It lightened the mood and help make any villain seem less scary and intimidating.
But now he, too, was gone. He was off in his search for Terra. After she had stopped Slade, no one had accurately located the blond, fun-loving girl. The latest rumor was of a new girl attending the local high school. Beast Boy had immediately set out to find her once more.
Raven had no idea if BB had found her or not.
In any case, he had never been hers to lose, she comforted herself. Sure, she loved him as a friend.
She had loved him, her mind thought treacherously. Had.
She did not think, "What changed?" Instead, Raven's grip loosened and her mind reeled with thoughts. She saw the faces of her friends and enemies line up in front of her.
Robin and Starfire's faces flashed in front of her eyes. She let them go easily: she had never loved Robin beyond friendship and Star was the closest girl friend she had. They were easy to forgive and easy to keep in touch with. Raven had no quarrel with them. In fact, Raven watched fondly, slightly waving, as Rob and Star's images faded into the distance of her mind.
Beast Boy's faced flashed past next. His vision stayed a bit longer than Rob and Star's had. But BB's face wavered, like static on a TV. Raven tried to admit he was never hers, that they had only shared a deep friendship. But the red stains of hurt and anger lingered as BB's body turned a nasty red tinge. Raven, eyes getting teary, finally dropped BB from her black claws.
It was a long drop, but she closed her eyes and didn't think about it. Instead, she thought of how happy he had been with the blond girl.
Which brought that perky, athletic blond, pale face and long legs, into Raven's vision.
Raven could not bring herself to like Terra. She could forgive Terra - Slade was a hard master to refuse, after all. But she had betrayed them all in the end. Friends and master, enemies and lover, Terra had given the Titans to Slade and had, in remorse, defeated Slade's plans. While Slade had escaped, Terra had turned herself to stone to save the Titans.
And now, she was supposedly back. Raven traced the rumors and had found someone resembling Terra. But, as she had always kept her distance, Raven had no idea if the blond high school girl really was Terra. Or someone else, some new, innocent human girl who had no idea she resembled BB's love.
Raven always wondered how Beast Boy could go back to Terra after everything that had happened. Beast Boy had been devastated. Yet his current pursuit seemed equally vain to Raven.
Then again, Raven could not understand it - would not understand Beast Boy. She had never been a great romantic, either, so she tried to toss any idea of BB out of her mind. She placed his peculiarity regarding Terra as simply getting closure. She refused to let herself become jealous or spiteful.
She huffed and held in a breath of air. When the pressure became too much to bear and her heartbeat raced faster than the T-Car, Raven let out her breath and panted for air. As she did so, she saw Terra's face fade, only to be replaced by a picture of Beast Boy and Terra holding hands.
They were friends. They loved each other That's all that should matter now. Right? Raven pondered her relationship with BB. But the recent memories flooded her mind. She knew she had no excuse. It still stung a little. But Raven gritted her teeth and watched, reminiscing about what went wrong.
Raven and Beast Boy had parted on a sour note. Raven had called him an immature jerk. He had called her a jealous bitch. She retorted, calling him an idiotic dick. He snorted and accused her of being a callous whore, looking for her next victim. Black, dark magic slammed Beast Boy into everything in the room: the floor, the ceiling, the glass windows which were well enforced, all the furniture and kitchen appliances. BB hadn't fought back. And she refused to see him again, locking herself away for weeks. She would find out later that BB had been the first to leave.
She regretted her words now. But it was too late to take them back. BB and Terra were both long gone from Raven's life. At least, for now.
Raven tried to feel anger, but she could only feel - a deep, regretful sorrow. She wanted BB to be happy. Deep down inside, Raven had known all along she would not be good for the green mutant. But she had hoped he wouldn't go back to Terra. And now, she realized she had helped him make the decision to leave.
As Raven let Terra and Beast Boy fade in her mind, she watched them take the same path Robin and Starfire had before. Now, four of her friends and kinda-but-not-really friends were in the same area: the far recesses of her mind. Old scars and wounds that were now, mostly, healed, dealt with, or otherwise faced head on.
She sighed, knowing what would come next. Each and every time she stood out on the roof it happened in the same order. And each and every time she was unprepared to deal with what she saw.
He always came to her mind last. And he almost always came unexpected, in a way.
Cyborg. Formerly called Victor Stone, he was half man, half computer. Cybernetics had advanced in the years since his parents' first designs. However, it wasn't one hundred percent perfect. Yet.
Raven knew sometime soon the scientists would get it right. And she could see his smile when it did. Heck, she'd bet a hundred bills that Cyborg would be one of the ones to improve cybernetics. He was an intelligent engineer. She often envied his intelligence because he seemed to know so much about everything - cars, engineering, science, computers, people.
It was nice to know he could be immature and childish, though. She wasn't sure she would be able to handle him if he was completely "perfect". It was nice to know he didn't use his computer brain one hundred percent of the time. Made her feel less like she wasn't good enough for him.
She sighed and felt his arms around her again. In her mind, she wrapped her arms around his arms, the arms that were holding her so tightly. She wrapped her arms around his chest as he cradled her gently. She was lifted as if she was something precious and delicate. She secretly enjoyed each feeling, though she knew he would not be able to tell from her expression.
A stray thought suddenly came to mind: You miss him most of all.
Sighing, she scowled.
Not like he's coming back soon, she said tartly to the pink-robed Raven in her mind.
"Who are you talking to?" A familiar voice inquired.
She jumped, startled. Raven had gotten used to the silence. Titans Tower, after all, was deserted. She had finally gotten used to not hearing Starfire making a gross culinary creation in the kitchen, tons of pots and pans bubbling over, BB and Cy fighting over video games, and Robin's occasional shouts as he finally relaxed with the team. It had taken a lot of control and many months to adjust. And she thought she had adjusted.
Just because they didn't come back didn't mean they couldn't, she chided herself.
Raven turned around quickly. Or rather, she tried to turn around from the floor, which resulted in unsuccessful results. Scowling, her blue robe fluttering in the slight wind, Raven froze as she saw who had spoken.
"You!" She breathed softly, unable to believe her eyes. Purple eyes widened in shock as she registered exactly what he had said.
"You came back?" She asked breathlessly, ignoring her questions and all the voices clamoring in her head.
Stupid question! He was here - wasn't he? Or was she just imagining things again?
"Are you real?" She asked, frowning. She hadn't fought criminals recently, but she had to be careful. She knew they were out there and would do anything to get her, had someone found out her vulnerable state.
Something in her mind snapped as she thought "vulnerable."
Without thinking, she stretched out her arm towards the half man, half machine, then let her hand fall to her side before he could move. She couldn't say if she was more scared or hopeful. She had had so many dreams, so many visions. She was beginning to doubt her sanity, too.
Oh she knew the rumors. People whispered behind her back, saying she wasn't in her right mind ever since the Titans disbanded. But she shook it off. She had no time for rumors at the moment. She kept the Tower secure, venturing out only for short periods during the day, when she could hide in the large crowds of the city.
Now that she saw Cy- Vic- him - again, she felt tears tug at the corners of her eyes.
He frowned, as if not sure what she meant.
"Are you really here again? Did you come back?" She choked. She held a tight grip on her inner emotions, but tears rolled down her face all the same.
Damn him! she thought. Damn that she rebelled like this. Damn him for making her feel like she was a child of twelve again! He was the oldest of them, and he had the big brotherly cloak of responsibility. But still, after all this time, why did she feel like she would collapse, trembling, if he didn't speak? Why did her existence at the moment seem to hinge on him being real or spectral?
"I'm here. Why do you ask?" He was frowning as he continued to stare at her. He moved a tentative step closer and she held her breath, unaware that she had done the same.
"You don't look too good," he said conversationally, trying to lighten the mood. But she could hear the undertone of worry. He took another step closer to her small, weak body. His mouth turned down into a deeper frown as he took in her frailty and vulnerability.
Emotions fraying, she ran to him and hugged him, burying her face in his loose shirt. She couldn't remember the last time he had worn a shirt - if ever - but it was comforting. She smelled the same oil scent he had had when he was repairing his baby, his T-Car. But the shirt made him smell like laundry detergent - not an unpleasant smell. Just different on him.
Realizing she was touching something physically real, Raven took a half step back, not letting go of her embrace, to stare up at him. Cy, or whatever she should call him, was just as tall as ever. Raven was required to tilt her head all the way back just to see his eyes. One brown human eye and one red computerized eye stared back at her. One a mix of confusion and worry, one a blank she could never understand.
"It is you!" She breathed, finding her breath again. "At least you're here for a bit, even if you leave, too." She rested her head against his chest, arms wrapping tightly around his frame once more.
Cyborg frowned. "How long have you been here by yourself?" He was a bit afraid to do something, but felt her tremble against him. Doing the only thing he could think of, he wrapped his cybernetic arms around the small girl and held her as she struggled not to cry.
She didn't answer, lost in thought and savoring the feeling of holding him. She loved this feeling - the one she got when she was near him. He was hugging her back and she relaxed, smiling a little.
Cyborg, worried more than ever before at her lack of speech, looked down at the frail form clinging to him. Her eyes were closed and her grip was loosening. Catching her before she slipped away and fell or hit the ground, Cyborg realized she had fainted.
Her deep, even breaths indicated sleep or rest overcame her - maybe she was in emotional distress? That thought disturbed him even more. Raven would NEVER be in emotional distress and not show it.
Cyborg remembered all those times she had blown up the microwave, the lights, fried the electricity. Now, here she was. Peaceful as a kitten, letting him hold her close. What bothered him was that she seemed to have lost something. Unsure what to do, Cyborg shrugged and did what he thought was best.
Lifting Raven gently, he found she was even lighter than she had been before he had left. He guessed she probably weighed a good deal less than any of the other female Titans - not a good sign at all. Heck, by now, she probably weighed less than either Jinx or Kid Flash. The only ones who probably weighed less were Gizmo, Mas and Menos. Trying not to be angry at something that wasn't her fault, Cyborg walked back into the Tower.
Sighing, he thought ruefully, Welcome home, Cyborg.
He carried Raven into her room and laid her on the bed, tucking her in snugly so she wouldn't fall out while he was making dinner.
As he was heading out the door, he stopped and looked back at Raven's restful form. Her face was thin and gaunt, but she was smiling - a beautiful smile - and her hair framed her face. For once, her hood was thrown back and he could risk admiring her without her noticing. Cyborg's eye - the human eye - looked up and down Raven's body, admiring her curves and her skin. He loved her hair and her face, sharp stubbornness and all. He would never tell her, but it was moments like this that made his heart leap in giddiness.
Unsure why he went back to her side, Cyborg leaned down and kissed her forehead tenderly. A bit surprised at her smile that seemed bigger than before, Cyborg rubbed his hand against her cheek. Hearing a small hiss as she sucked in a breath, Cyborg froze, hoping she was still asleep.
"I- I'll make us some dinner. I hope you sleep well - you look ragged," he whispered in her ear. He kissed her cheek and stood up, face darker. He hoped she wouldn't wake up, but in his haste to leave, Cy missed Raven's small moan as her face heated up in response.
Cy left the room quietly and prepared a huge feast. Raven needed to eat more than he did. Cyborg was positive that Raven had not fared well in the intervening weeks - or months - since the others had left the Tower. Cy would never know, having left soon after BB. He had gone over to Titans East, then he'd returned to his parents' home to cool off.
Now he was back, Cy was glad he had come. Raven was always the one in need of help, even if she wouldn't admit it. She was always taking the hurt from others and needing healing the most. Cy always thought it was ironic that Raven could heal others, but not herself.
-TT-
Raven woke up, gasping for air. She gingerly touched her forehead, her cheek, and checked her body for signs of bruising. She looked around wildly, sensing something was off.
Realizing she was in her own room again, she took a few deep breaths.
"Maybe it was all a dream," she said aloud.
And then she smelled waffles - freshly made Belgian waffles.