This is for my lovely friend Mirithespazz. Because she made me watch DPS and then she made me a Charlie/Neil shipper. By insisting I write one for her.
See, when I watched DPS I went 'Awww Neil/Todd! IT'S SO CUTE!' and Miri told me she'd kick me if I wrote a Neil/Todd, so I said I'd write one Charlie/Neil, just for her. And then I got halfway through this and realized I like Charlie/Neil more than Todd/Neil.
Me and my strange brain.
Warnings: Slash… emo, not-unrequited but… unfinished slash.
Pairings: Charlie/Neil
Read and review, please.
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The car door slammed. Keating held me back and I opened my mouth. But then I closed it. Neil looked out the window and held my eyes. His father got into the car and it started pulling away. I bit my bottom lip.
I wanted to scream. I wanted to scream at Neil, at his father, at Keating, at our friends. His father didn't love him. Neil didn't expect him to. Keating was letting him lower his expectations. Our friends didn't even give a fuck because Neil… Neil was supposed to keep it together when the rest of us couldn't. But damn it all, sometimes Neil just couldn't. And… and Neil deserved better than all of that. He deserved his father looking at him and telling him to do what he loved. He deserved to know that his family cared about him. He deserved Keating congratulating him for knowing when to use and daring and when to use caution. He deserved to get as much care from us as we got from him. He deserved it.
Never, never, never had I met someone who deserved it more than him.
I watched the way he was holding his head. His crown was still in his lap. I looked at that face, looked at how sad he was. And my mouth opened again, gaping, and closed again. Nothing. Nothing, I could say. But then I wanted to shout. I wanted to shout at him and tell him everything I had ever thought about him. I love you. I love you. Who in the hell cares if they don't love you? I love you, I love you, I love you. Don't look so fucking sad. I hate it when you look sad. If you were out here I could make you smile. Because… because we've overcome things like this before and we can again. I'll sit by your bed like we always do, and I'll help you like you helped me. We don't need them, we don't need anyone. I'll know like I always know, and you'll know like you always know, and we won't tell anyone else. Because we don't need to. Because it's just you and me, together, until the end of time.
I wanted to yell. I wanted to say everything I had never said. Lips pressed against his, bodies laying together in the cold of winter… I couldn't say it then, and I couldn't say it now. I was supposed to be so brave. I was supposed to be so fucking bold and daring, but I couldn't say those words to him.
All the things that I had thought and never said, running through my head, again and again. What if he didn't think these things too? What if I had just come out and said it? Would he still like me? Would he still look at me like that, giving me that smile that I loved to think was just for me?
God, I loved him so much. I watched as the car pulled away, and I wanted to scream, shout, yell, all at once. I wanted to tell him what I had never been able to tell him before.I loved him. I did. I do. I wanted to scream at them all, tell them that he deserved so much better than what we gave him.
I love you. The words sat on my lips, but they wouldn't move. They wouldn't leave. I brought my coat around my middle and hugged it against myself, looking down at the snow-covered ground, biting my lip so hard I was sure it would bleed.
Scream it, scream it, scream it. But there are times for daring and times for caution.
Shout it anyways. But I don't know which times call for caution. Maybe this is one of those times.
Yell, damn it.
But I couldn't.
I wanted to scream. I wanted to shout. I wanted to yell. I wanted to tell him what I had waited so long to tell him. I wanted to congratulate him.
Yeah, congratu-fucking-lations, Neil. You were great, you were. You were amazing. When you were up on that stage, it was like there was nothing you were ever supposed to do besides that. You were made to stand up there, stand up there and tell everyone that story.
It was perfect, Neil. You were perfect. But… hell, Neil. You're always perfect. And don't let them tell you otherwise. Because…
I looked up and watched Neil drive away, his eyes attached to mine. The words that I thought were forever doomed to reside on my lips left home.
"I love you."
But he had already turned around.