A/N: Ok, this is something a bit different out of me. This is kind of my "old style"; how a lot of my older stuff reads (that was never posted so don't go finding it) it's darker and a bit more…different. I don't know how to explain it, but if you're looking for "me" you won't find it here. This has a darker element than anything I have wrote in a long time.
Backstory: if this fic doesn't quiet read right, like style change mid way through, I warn, I apparently started to write this back in late July 2006. Apparently I stopped for whatever reason, and I found it on my computer when I was cleaning out old files and moving things to appropriate folders and what not. I found it and really liked it and thought to continue it.
Summary: Someone's thoughts through Three Days Grace's Time of Dying. I can't reveal the character, but you'll figure it out – and know by the end.
Time of Dying On the ground I lay
the cold, wet pavement had long since soaked through my clothes. I didn't care. I was dead inside. I could feel my soul rip into tiny little pieces. I might as well have been dead.
Motionless in pain
Agonizing pain ripped my insides apart. Not a physical pain, but deeply emotional. It clenched my heart and made it hard to breath. Cold rain pelted my body in sharp pinpricks but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered.
I can see my life flashing before my eyes
My life with you, suddenly over and done with in a single moment; a stupid moment in time, and it's over. Done with. A mistake that will forever haunt me.
Dead I fall asleep
This couldn't be real. It couldn't be happening. Not now, not after everything that's happened.
Is this all a dream
I need to wake up. Get myself out of this torture.
Wake me up,
The hell I had made of my life.
I'm living a nightmare
A living nightmare. One that I created myself and lived on a day to day basis.
I will not die
I opened my eyes, face still on the cold hard concrete and looked out into the darkness.
I will survive
Dying is to give up. Dying is the easy way out.
I will not die,
I will not give them what they want.
I'll wait here for you
For you to help save me.
I feel alive,
I'm strong…but not this strong. Even a hero needs rescuing. And even I need a little rescuing from time to time.
When you're beside me
Everything was perfect. We were happy. I felt like nothing could bring me down. That I could do anything. You made me feel that way, but look where we ended up.
I will not die,
Because it's the easy way out; because I can't give up. I'm not programmed that way.
I'll wait here for you
Always be waiting for you to see the truth. I heard a crack of thunder in the distance and a flash of lightening lit up the sky. I lifted myself up off the pavement, legs shaky, and started to walk. I crossed my arms across my chest and shivered. I was cold; I was in deep emotional pain that cut like a knife across my soul. Every step was torturous, but I was going to make it. I had to. My shoes squished as I walked, and people gave me strange looks. I was broken, soaked, and a mess. I'm surprised they didn't do more than just stare.
In my time of dying
I made it home in a painstakingly long amount of time. It seemed as if I moved in slow motion. As if my body wanted to give up. I made it to my bedroom and collapsed face down on my bed. My face in my soft pillow that a bit of his scent still clings to.
On this bed I lay
My mind flashed back to earlier. Replaying the harsh words, the fight, the looks of hatred and broken heartedness. We always ripped each other apart. We're too different to make things work. But we always go back for more. For more pain, more love, and more heart ache.
Losing everything
His smile lit up my world. Turned grey skies clear blue and crumbled the walls around my heart.
I can see my life passing me by
Little moments, big moments, it doesn't matter. Some people say it's the big events in life that define who we are. What makes you you. I don't buy that. It's the little things in life that truly define who we are. It's the simple choices we make each day. To live life to the fullest, or to live life in a preplanned never ending cycle. I don't even know how I ended up here or when this all started. It just happened. And now…now I wanted it over.
Was it all too much or just not enough
Life's a bitch. It throws everything at you or nothing at all. You have hills, valleys, plateaus, and mountains. It's your job to navigate; to fall down or to climb the obstacles. To take life standing up or lying down. To go out swinging or crying. It's really, all up to you. Life is truly a bitch and I've had about enough.
Wake me up,
I want this dream to be over. I want to open my eyes and none of this has happened.
I'm living a nightmare
But unfortunately, reality sucks and you have to deal with what you got dealt.
I will not die
No matter how much I want to. No matter how much emotional and physical pain I feel, I can't give up.
I will survive
Because I'm a survivor. I always have been, and I always will be.
I will not die,
I took a deep breath and rolled over onto my back and faced the ceiling. I could get through this. I've dealt with worst than him before. I can do this. I can handle this.
I'll wait here for you
Be waiting for him to see how badly he screwed up. For him to see that he can't change me into something that I'm not.
I feel alive,
For the first time in my life
when you're beside me.
I will not die; I'll wait here for you
I felt my eyes grow heavy as exhaustion over came me. I felt my limbs grow heavy and my vision blurred. My eyes fluttered closed and my mind went blank.
In my time of dying
The final moments in life, are the strangest of them all. It's true that just before you die your whole life flashes before your eyes. But it's more than that. It's an out of body experience. You literally watch yourself in your final moments. Mine were in a hospital room where doctors and nurses were gathered around, doing…something.
I will not die,
I didn't know it was me at first. It was almost like watching TV. Numb to the pain, numb to the experience. I didn't know who I was, where I was, or why I was there. Here. Wherever. It's so surreal, and yet…more real than anyone can ever imagine.
I'll wait here for you
I remember thinking about Jamie. About our fight earlier. How he tried to turn me into something I'm not. Another Jude-like princess of G Major.
I feel alive,
The thought of Jamie was a stab to my heart.
When you're beside me
I truly loved the boy. He was everything I wasn't and yet so much like me.
I will not die,
I heard the machines in the room start to beep and whirl. The doctors began to rush around the room. I heard some medical terms thrown out and I was snapped out of my thoughts.
I'll wait here for you
What was going on? I found myself wondering. I suddenly wanted to know who was lying on the table the doctors were so desperately working on.
In my time of dying I suddenly realized that no one knew I was here; that I was…invincible to the people around me. I started to panic, my heart rate picking up and a cold sweat coming over my body.
I will not die,
This couldn't be happening, I thought as realization hit me.
I'll wait here for you
The machines continued to beep in a way I knew was death…I'd heard the sound more times in my life than I wanted to count. Oh god. Please not someone else I loved. I thought frantically, trying to see past the nurses and doctors to see who was on the table.
I feel alive,
As I tried to see over the shoulders of the medical practitioners, I was aware of the world around me getting hazier. The edges of my vision blurred.
When you're beside me
I heard them say "poor girl, so young." And I asked them, who is she. No one heard me. No one paid attention to me.
I will not die,
The world continued to slowly fade in on my vision and I suddenly felt calm. At ease. So this, I thought to myself, is what it's like…
I'll wait here for you
The doctors cleared out of the room and I looked at the girl on the table. I didn't even recognize myself under all the bandages.
In my time of dying
Fin