Weller Family History.

Summary: We know very little about the Wellers whose badass magical seed produced the Chuck-Norris-like Conrad of today. Who were they? Were they all just as awesome as Conrad is? What did they do with their spare badass time? Well, fear not, curious denizens of the internet! I have uncovered records on every single Weller in the family line, from Laurence to Chuck to Esperanza to Dunheely (and two incarnations of the Great Sage). This is a day in the life of each of those 136 badass men and women.

Warnings: General kickassery, Weller overload.

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Laurence Weller, Choppy the Self-Mutilating Weller, Dunheely Weller, or Conrart Weller. All of the other Wellers have been created by me.

Laurence the Luscious

Born Year 18 B.S. (Before Shinou), Died Year 56 A.S.G.H.A.K. (After Soushu Got His Ass Kicked)

They found him crouching down, clutching his arm, in a ditch by the fields of Morika. Corpses were hanging over the edge of the trench, trickling blood that had nowhere else to go. It pooled around Laurence Weller's boots.

"My lord!" cried Zipporah, running towards her king, "Are you hurt?"

"No," he said, rising slowly to his feet. He shook his arm and tightened the bracers around his wrists.

"They're getting bolder every year," came the voice of Horatio as he stepped over the bodies littering the trench. He caught a glimpse of himself in the reflection of a shield and flexed his muscles.

"As long as a Weller holds the throne of Dai Shimaron, we shall be safe. The alliance between Dai Shimaron and Shin Makoku is too strong for these small rebel forces to overcome." Laurence brushed back his graying hair from his face. The look in his eyes did not match the confidence in his voice. If this had been an Old Spice commercial, he would be the king your king could smell like.

"Well, at any rate, this group of idiots is dead," said Zipporah, turning over a bandit's head with her spear.

"Not all of us! And we aren't idiots!" came the squeaky voice of a bandit from behind them. They turned to look.

"Have you come to die with the rest?" asked Horatio.

"No, you big dummy! I'm here to defeat you demon-lovers!" Stu Markina lifted his stupid hero sword and charged.

"Markina, please," said Laurence Weller as he sliced off Stu's sword-arm, following it with a roundhouse kick to the head. Stu crumpled to the ground.

"Take that!" cried Zipporah victoriously.

Laurence turned around dramatically. There was a light in his eyes.

"May he rest… in pieces."

Then he lifted his arm and high-fived his son, swaggering back to the castle where he ruled.

And thus was the founding of an empire.