A/N: Okay, smutty one-shot. Slash. Don't like, don't read.

This can be read in accordance with my fic, 'What the hell', but it's not entirely needed. Just know that Snape and Sirius are pretending to date because Lily and James tried to get him with Remus. After many happenings, Sev joined the revenge party.

I don't own Harry Potter.

What the hell

Sirius' POV

"Okay, Snape, you and I are an item. Gosh that sounds wrong."

"Yes, it does." Snape agreed. "Now come along, Muffin, the carriage awaits."

Muffin? He wasn't serious, was he? Before I could stop myself, I giggled. Both boys looked at me strangely. I could never use the term 'serious' – ever. Perhaps a synonym for it? No? Damn it. Why couldn't I think of a synonym?

"You call me Muffin again, kiss your balls goodbye."

"My, aren't we sadistic?" Snape said.

"It makes me great in bed, though."

"Really? I'd have to test that theory."

My ears burned scarlet at Moony's words.

"Move along, Cupcake, I've got some… work… to do." Remus shot at Snape.

"Of course, Buttercup." Snape said lightly, moving back through the forest.

"Now suddenly we're deserts?" I asked. He smiled devilishly at me, his arms finding their way around my neck.

"Only if I get to be the topping." He said, pressing his lips to mine. I pushed back, not planning to take this battle lying down. He pushed his body against mine, grinding our hips together.

"This isn't the right setting." I moaned into his mouth, feeling myself become hard.

"I don't care." He murmured, trailing kisses down my jaw.

"I do – I want to make it unforgettable."

"We're not jumping to the act." He said, grinding his hips into mine even more. He was rigid. "We're simply… fooling around."

One of his hands left my neck and he palmed the front of my trousers. My knees buckled at the friction. I had to clung onto Moony to remain standing.

"M…Moony." I stuttered.

"Yes, Padfoot?" He asked innocently. I growled at him, surprised by his forward actions. I thought I'd have to initiate it, yet here we were, him causing these feelings in my nether regions. His hand clutched me through the trousers. "These are really a bother, you know."

He crashed his lips onto mine, passion sparking. I groaned as his remaining hand found their way to my hair. Teeth nipped at my bottom lip while a hand tangled with my hair. His mouth was so sweet, and so, so wet. Our tongues battled, neither surrendering this fight.

He ground his erection into mine again.

"Moony…" I moaned. "Please…"

"Hush." He said, moving to kiss my neck. A sharp jab made me cry out. He'd bitten me! A cold tongue swept over the mark… I bucked my hips into his. He continued to suckle and kiss the tender spot on my neck, while his hand continued his administrations at my nether regions.

I nearly squeaked at the loss of his oh-so-talented mouth. But, as it were, Moony had other plans. He ripped my robes off and pulled my shirt up, his talented mouth finding a nipple.

I was pushed up against a tree, his hand started to loosen my belt. Before I could even protest he'd made quick work of both the button and the zipper.

"Moony… you're so… so…"

"Forceful? I blame the wolf." He smirked, pushing my trousers of. Now only my briefs remained – the tent evident. He made quick work of those too. The cold air hit me, only causing me to become more rigid.

I felt at a disposition, being so exposed. I captured his hands in mine.

"Stop."

"You don't really mean that, do you?" He asked, smirking. I growled before ruthlessly attacking his clothes. Once we were both naked, I pushed our hips together. We slid against each other, clutching at each other to remain standing.

I let my hand slid to him. When I grasped him, he bit back a sob. Soft but strong hands enveloped me. My head was thrown back in ecstasy. He rubbed me, his hand moving back and forth, playing over the head… gosh, what was he doing to my balls? My own hand froze and clenched him tightly. A rather unmanly sound escaped his throat. He continued his administrations whilst I tried to remain conscious.

I groaned his name.

"Come for me." He said lowly. That was all I needed before I exploded. My hand went limp around him, and he moaned. I start to pump my hand quickly, wanting this to last. His own hand was still working me, refusing me to go limp.

He came only seconds later.

Both of us panted, revelling in the afterglow. A wand was waved, cleaning both of us.

Remus and I slid down the tree, clutching each other.

"Worth it?" Remus asked. I nodded, pulling him closer. Both our bodies were hot, but I wanted to snuggle. Remus was a rather smallish male, and he was mine. I enveloped him in an embrace. I didn't know the day, the hour or the minute, but I didn't exactly care as I drifted into a peaceful sleep.