The Natural Way of Things, Ch. 1
After the filthy War was over, and the Irkens proven supreme once more, Zim requested of his Tallest that he be allowed to return to his mission of conquering the wretched Earth.
Taking one look at his proud, scarred visage, his giggling leaders agreed.
So here he was again, taking another six month journey to a filthy, acid-drenched mudball of a planet, to settle one last score. GIR was beside him again,too, silent for once-most likely because Zim had threatened to leave him behind on Irk if he even thought the word 'doom'.
Which left Zim to his thoughts. Zim smiled, leaning back into the Voot's cushioned pilot's seat. It would be different, vastly different, this time. No more failures for Zim. The Dib-beast and his world would kneel before HIM! Because Zim had a plan. No more physical warfare with the Dib for him. It was all psychological now. Because if war had taught the alien anything, it was that the real key to defeating a filthy enemy was to pummel their disgusting minds as well as their bodies...
Keef, Zim realized now, had had the right idea. Befriend the Dib, make him like Zim...and with the Dib-monster no longer opposing him, the planet would fall easily into his claws.
Zim smiled even wider, tucking said claws behind his head. Yeeees...Sweet sweet victory at last was close at hand...
...
When the proximity warning went off, the side of the planet facing the Voot was dark, just as before, when he first came to this filthy mud ball. GIR pressed himself against the glass. "Oooooh, Earth!"
"Yes GIR. Earth." Zim tapped the Voot's computer screen, targeting a familiar Earth town as their landing point.
"Initiating entrance into atmosphere," the Voot's computer announced. The ship's jets flared, launching them headlong into the alien atmosphere. GIR screamed, clinging to his master's shoulder at the sudden launch, but Zim just laughed, exhilaration thrumming through his veins.
Without hesitation, and with little direction from Zim, the cloaked Voot landed in exactly the same old lot, in exactly the same neighborhood its passengers had left some time before, landing softly on the grass.
This time, though, the formation of the base was flawless, as silent as the ghosts the Dib-beast was so obsessed with.
Zim watched the transformation, surveying his work with a self-satisfied smile. Oh yes, this new invasion was already off to a great sta-
"Oh WOW!"
The alien froze. Someone saw-? Wait. No. He knew that voice...
"Keef?" He turned around, to see a ginger-haired teenager who looked remarkably like an older version of the annoying Keef. Keef, who didn't know Zim was an alien.
Oh. IRK! "Eh, I mean...SILENCE, filthy human!"
The teenaged worm-baby grinned. "It's okay, Zim. I know it's you. I knew you'd come back, so I waited for you. Wow, you haven't changed a bit..."
"Keef?" Antennae perked up in surprise. "What happened? You're all...older."
"Of course I'm older, silly. It's been five years."
Five years? FIVE Earth YEARS had passed since Zim's departure for Irk? The alien glanced doubtfully up and down the street. But everything looked the same...
"Nothing's changed much," Older Keef said with a shrug. The pale freckled face brightened. "Oh hey, buddy! Since you're back, wanna go to the Spooky Dukes concert with me tomorrow night?"
"Yeah. Sure. Whatever." Five years...would he even remember Zim?
"Okay! Great! See ya then!" And just like that, the teen walked off, but Zim didn't notice.
"Of course he will remember ZIM! Zim is amazing! And memorable!" Zim growled out loud to himself, stomping over to his disguise machine...
...
Zim lost track of time, deep within the bowels of his newly re-formed base, catching up on all the filthy Earth history he had missed.
Apparently, he had missed a lot.
President Man had been succeeded by an Earth female-President Woman. The Dib-monkey's progenitor, Professor Membrane, had built yet another lab and dedicated it to the advancement of their pi-ti-ful science...blah blah blah...
"Heya buddy!" The alien jerked in surprise, staring up at the security monitor pointed at his front door. "...Keef? What are YOU doing here?"
The cheerful face dulled a bit. "You said you'd go with me to the Spooky Dukes concert, remember?"
Zim started to scream, "LIES!" but stopped himself. What better way to regain his footing on this miserable rock than to go to one of these 'concerts' these monkeys were so fond of?
"Very well," the Irken half purred, half growled, shoving away from the monitor to fetch his disguise...
"Wow, Zim, you look...different."
Zim arched a newly stuck-on eyebrow underneath the red-tipped bangs of his new black wig. "Isn't this how you Earth monkeys usually dress for these...concerts?"
"Sure, buddy. It just looks...different...on you..."
"YAY! RAVE!" GIR shrieked, launching himself out the door behind Zim.
"GIR! No! Stay here and guard the base!"
"But Mastah...!"
"NO!"
The little robot pouted, but did as he was told, hanging his head and turning back into the house, slamming the door behind him.
"Let's go, buddy!"
...
Five seconds in, the alien decided he absolutely HATED concerts. It didn't matter that Keef had somehow gotten front-row seats. The place was hot and crowded with icky sweaty HYUman monkeys who had NO concept of personal space whatsoever-
Zim jumped as the lights suddenly dimmed. Beside him, Keef squealed, "Ooh! Zim, it's starting!"
"Great..."
"And noow...what you've all been waiting for...THE SPOOKY DUKES!" Bawled an invisible announcer. The crowd went wild, almost deafening Zim.
As lights flared on the darkened stage, revealing four figures-one on drums, two on guitars, and one sitting on what looked like an unused piano in complete darkness-the music began.
When it came time for the vocals, lights suddenly flared on the darkened figure, revealing a very familiar face. "Say my name and his in the same breath, I dare you to say they taste the same..." A sultry, black-rimmed amber stare dared his audience, dared Zim. The shock of nearly instant recognition nearly took the alien's breath away. "T-That's the DIB!" he yelled in confusion to Keef, who beamed.
"Yeah! Innit he great?"
"Let the leaves fall off in the summer," the Dib carelessly brushed at each black leather clad shoulder with a gloved hand. "And let the December glow in flames!"
"In flames!"
"Brace myself an' let go, start it over again in Mex-i-co," Dib stood up on black, silver-toed boots as the two guitarists yelled, "These! Friends! They don't love you!"
"They just love the hotel suites, now!"
Zim turned to Keef, wide-eyed. "The Dib can sing?"
"I! Don't! Care what you think as long as its about me," Dib pressed his hand to his chest, bowing forward slightly with a sultry smile. "The best of us can find happ-iness in mi-i-i-isery. I said I!"
"I!"
"Don't"
"Don't!"
"Care what you think as long as it's about me. The best of us can find happ-iness in misery."
At the small instrumental, Dib took center stage, his trademark black coat trailing behind him.
"Oh, take a chance, let your body get a tolerance," Dib lazily rubbed his hands up and down his arms, eyes half-lidded. "I'm not a chance, but a heatwave in your pants," One hand strayed low, sprawling on Dib's stomach, touching the top of his pants. The female guitarist playfully slapped it away. Dib mock jumped, turning to face her with a rebellious smile as he sang:
"pull a breath like another cigarette. Pawn shop, I'm tradin' up!"
"Tradin' up!"
He spun, coat whipping as he faced the audience again. "I'm the ora-cle in my chest, let the guitar scream like a fascist (one of the guitars obediently 'screamed', making Zim's antennae press flat to his head underneath his wig in pained annoyance) sweat it out, shut your mouth, free love on the streets. But in the alley it ain't that cheap now!"
"I! Don't! Care what you think as long as it's a-bout me! The best of us can find happ-iness in mi-i-i-i-isery. I said I!"
"I!"
"Don't!"
"Don't!"
"Care what you think as long as it's about me! The best of us can find happ-iness in mis-ery."
The music slowed a bit, the drumbeat becoming more pronounced. Dib leaned toward the audience as if to tell them all a secret, scythe lock glinting in the stage lights as he gave a small wink, voice dropping low:
"Mmmmmhmmhmm, I said, I. Don't. Care just-a what you think, as long as it's about me. Said-a I. Don't. Care just-a what you think, as long as it's about me! I said-a I. Don't. Care!"
"I. Don't. Care!"
"I said I don't CARE!"
"I don't care!"
"I said I!"
"I!"
"Don't!"
"Don't!"
"Care!"
"I. Don't. Care what you think as long as it's about me! The best of us can find happ-iness in mi-i-i-i-i-sery!"
"I said I!"
"I!"
"Don't!"
"Don't!"
"Care what you think as long as it's about me! The best of us can find happ-iness in mi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-isery!"
The song ended to wild applause. Zim stared in shock as Keef happily screamed beside him. The Dib could sing! The DIB could sing! And in front of wild smelly audiences, too.
Apparently, he HAD missed a lot.
A/N: Yup. I've officially been bitten by the fanfiction bug. Again. And this will (eventually) be Zadr, so you've been double warned. Disclaimer: I do not own Zim, GIR, Keef, Dib, or Invader Zim in general, Jhonen Vasquez does. I do not own the lyrics to the song I Don't Care. Fall Out Boy does.