Memory

Part 1

What did it feel like to be in love?

Cagalli mused to herself as she leaned against the balcony railing. Her busy work life ensured that love was the last thing on her mind, but today – today of all days, the old ghosts of her past decided to pay her a visit.

It was Athrun's birthday, wasn't it? Was that why she had suddenly thought of him? No, that was wrong- she hadn't suddenly thought of him. The truth was that he was constantly on her mind, though she tried her best not to probe too deeply into things where Athrun was concerned.

When did it all start to fall apart? Why did it fail? Were they too different? Maybe it was doomed from the start – they had been enemies all along, hadn't they? Even when they first met, even then…

It was on that island when he sprung up from nowhere and pinned her down to the sandy ground. He was going to kill her, the wickedly curved dagger in his hand ready to plunge down into her body. Then he stopped, and Cagalli forced her tightly shut eyes to wrench open. He was looking at her with a mixture of shock and disbelief.

"You're… You're a girl."

A smile settled on Cagalli's lips as she thought about that fateful day. The beginning is always such a beautiful thing – so unjaded and innocent, so utterly perfect and whole. Too bad things turned out this way, she thought, and tears rose up her throat and threatened to fall as they had for so long.

She swallowed them; she wasn't ready to start being sad again. She had grown increasingly numb these days, and thought it wasn't very pleasant, it was better than the sharp pains she had whenever she used to think about him. The way he used to look at her, the way his green eyes would sparkle with happiness, the way he teased her, consoled her, held her…

…The way he loved her.

It was too late for her to hold back her tears, this time they couldn't stop flowing. She crumpled to the floor, thankful that Kisaka had gone on vacation, thankful that Kira was out having dinner with Lacus – at least she didn't have to worry about one of them demanding to come in and finding out what was wrong.

It was your decision, remember? You promised yourself you wouldn't regret it. She urged herself to stop crying, stuffing her knuckles in her mouth to muffle the sobs. Thought both Kisaka and Kira weren't around, it would still be equally disastrous if one of the maids heard her crying. What would they think? Cagalli Yula Attha, Princess of the Orb, reduced to crying over an incident that happened so long ago that people had probably forgotten about it.

But not her, she would never forget the day she took off his ring and told Meyrin to take care of him. She couldn't be there for him, so she let him go instead. She was shivering now, her teeth sinking deeper into her knuckles. She would have to wear gloves tomorrow, or they would surely ask why there were bite-marks all over her hands.

And so the war was over, and Meyrin and Athrun had emerged from it closer than ever. Who was she then? Who was Cagalli? She was a stranger to them, and they were all strangers to her. Her conversations with Athrun always ended in awkward silence, and somehow she seemed to have lost a part of her.

How was it possible that he didn't love her anymore?

She had a sudden yearning to hear Athrun's voice, and hesitatingly, she reached over for her phone and dialed his number. She could just wish him happy birthday, couldn't she? She waited for him to pick up, and when he finally did, her heart skipped a beat.

"Hello?" His voice sounded, rich as she remembered it. She accidentally let out a small choke, and then tried to compose herself.

"Hello?" He repeated, this time with a tinge of irritation.

"Athrun? This is Cagalli." She finally managed the mumble out.

"Cagalli, oh, hey, what's up? You sound…weird." Cagalli could hear soft laughter in the background, was that Meyrin? Another laugh, then a female voice going, "Athrun, hurry up, your soup's getting cold" – definitely her. A wave of jealousy came over Cagalli, and she tried to push it down.

"I'm fine."

"You don't sound fine. What's wrong?"

"I said I'm fine."

"Whoa, no need to get defensive. So…erm…not to be rude, but why are you calling?"

"Athrun, I… just wanted to wish you…Happy Birthday."

"You remembered? Ha, thanks." He sounded pleasantly surprised.

"Erm. Yeah. No problem. Bye then." She blurted out as fast as she could, slamming the phone down.

"Hey, wait –" She could hear his voice, shocked and momentarily taken aback. She smiled sadly, and with trembling hands she took out a photo from her top drawer. Her and Athrun, his arm was around her waist and they were both flushed with happiness. She opened her bottommost drawer and shoved the photo in as deep as she could.

I'm being silly, I know I am. I should move on, get to know more people.

But you won't – her mind countered – you won't because falling love with someone else means saying goodbye to Athrun permanently. And you can't bear to say goodbye, can you?

I will. You'll see. I'll get over Athrun, I just have to. She vowed silently. I'll fall in love with someone else, someone better…

…Someday.

"Who was that?" Meyrin asked, dipping her bread into the lobster bisque.

"Oh. Cagalli." Athrun mumbled absently. He fiddled with his spoon, stirring his soup and pushing the chunky bits to a corner of the bowl.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. She called to wish me happy birthday."

"That's nice of her." Meyrin smiled.

"It is."

They lapsed into silence as Meyrin continued eating. Athrun was frowning, Cagalli had sounded so… unlike her… over the phone. In all of his memories, Cagalli's voice had always been so full of life, so confident and fiery. Never had he heard her sound so exhausted and defeated… so dead

"Do you want to see her, Athrun?" Meyrin's voice gently interrupted his thoughts.

"Huh?"

"Do you want to see Cagalli?"

Athrun's head snapped up and he met Meyrin's eyes. She smiled gently and then looked down at her food.

"I don't mind, go see her Athrun."

"I…Meyrin…"

"I understand."

Reluctantly, Athrun grinned.

"What do you understand?"

"You still love her, don't you Athrun?"

Her question caught him by surprise and he gaped at her.

"I…I don't know, Meyrin. I don't know."