A/N: Hey guys. Well, I've been ill and I felt really guilty about not putting another chapter up for my main story, so I thought I'd just do a quick, sort of funny one shot. The reason this is it is because I was looking through stories, and I found one with a "Mary-Sue" in, and I got really pissed off so I wrote this. Beware, it contains quite strong language, Twilight-bashing and a threesome.

Disclaimer: I don't own the Harry Potter characters, but I do own this horrible "Mary-Sue" character I have created. I wish I didn't. I also don't own any Twilight characters I happen to bash, and I am very happy about that.

Mary-Sue (her name wasn't really Mary-Sue because, of course, she had a very unique name that made her perfect and different from everyone else. But, for your brain's sake as I don't particularly want it to fry, he name shall stay as Mary-Sue) boarded the Hogwarts Express, alone, as her parents died so she could be pitied and such. Hey, if they weren't dead, our little Mary-Sue would have someone to talk to and wouldn't have to convince someone she's a friendless swine and, in some kind of illogical way, our Mary-Sue would be less perfect. (If you cared to know, her parents died by Sporking. Anyone who brought such a stupid character/person to life, or even in their minds or their novel, deserves to die by Sporking. Ahem, Stephanie Meyer.)

Now, Mary-Sue was very beautiful. She had long, wavy blonde hair and brilliant blue eyes, because she just has to be perfect in every way possible. Never mind us normal girls, who don't suffocate our skin in wall paint. Also, Mary-Sue had many talents, such as playing the piano, Quidditch, being able to play The Duck Song on her pink ukulele, and such others that take years to master but she mastered them in two fucking days because she is that brilliant.

She lent her beautifully pale face against the cold window of the compartment she was in. She was alone, of course, because she wouldn't be a Mary-Sue if she had friends to start with, would she? The door opened, and three children entered; a girl and two boys, to be exact. The girl had rather large front teeth and bushy hair. Of course she wasn't as beautiful as Mary-Sue. No one was as beautiful as Mary-Sue. The girl sat down as the boy stared at Mary-Sue. Their eyes widened, and they immediately knelt down and started kissing Mary-Sue's designer shoes.

"I love you," the ginger one said.

"No, I love her!" the black-haired one said.

"She's mine biotch!" Ron (because Mary-Sue was so brilliant, she could telepathically find out people's names) said.

"Stop fucking doing that! I'm the Queen here!" Hermione shouted. (Yes, Hermione is going to be evil here because we need someone to be Scary-Sue and make Mary-Sue upset, don't we?)

"Stop it Hermione, we love Mary-Sue (yeah, he's got magical telepathic skills too) and you're just being a bitch!" Ron exclaimed.

Hermione pulled her Spork out of her bag and pointed it at Mary-Sue. "I'm the Queen here, so you'll stay clear. Remember when that J.K. Rowling tried to pretend she was Queen, boys? I soon showed her!"

Hermione then proceeded to stuff her Spork back in her bag and storm out of the compartment, probably going off to polish her golden crown and stuff. (- If this wasn't a piss-take right now, I'd Spork myself D;)

While she was gone though, Harry, Ron and Mary-Sue had a threesome.

When they reached the castle, Harry and Ron stuck with Mary-Sue while Hermione went off with her bitches, because that's what popular girls do, right?

At the Sorting, Harry, Ron and Hermione got sorted into Gryffindor. However, when Mary-Sue walked up to the Sorting Hat, Dumbledore said: "oh no, Mary-Sue, because you are Queen of the universe and everything beyond, you get your own house called 'hey, I'm perfect!', but most people just shorten it to 'Mary-Sues', is that all right?

"Yes," Mary-Sue said shyly, because that's all she was really, a shy, friendless bitch.

"We've even made you a song, your perfect-ness," Dumbledore said.

The rip on the hat opened wide:

Oh, you very pretty girl,

I can't help but say you're a pearl.

You shall be shagged by all the boys in the school,

And all the girls will envy you 'cos you're so cool!

Now, go kiss your two lovers,

As I'm going to order an Indian take-away AND GET FUCKING FOOD POISONING FROM IT!

There was no one else in her house, obviously, because no one was as perfect as her. During the meal, many boys came over and kissed, a chosen few fingering her as well, which surprised Mary-Sue thought, or hoped, that no one liked her.

Suddenly, Voldemort burst into the room shouting: "give me Mary-Sue!"

Mary-Sue looked at him, and her perfect beauty made him burst into flames and die. She was just that amazing.

But, Hermione had had enough. With a squeal, she stood up and stabbed Mary-Sue with her Spork.

Mary-Sue died a hero's death... Or she was killed by a hero. I'm not sure. I really couldn't give two shits what happened to her, as long as she died by a painful Sporking. Now, I must be off to rid the world of these dreadful characters, who have no character devolopment. Now, who is next on my list, you ask? There can only be one person...

Bella Swan...

DUN DUN DUN.

No, I'm serious. I'm going to kill the bitch with a Spork.

Wish me luck!

Lot's of Love, from You-Know-Who.

(You may now ask the question we were all thinking: what the fuck?)

A/N: So there it is! Just so you know, I am defiantly going to make sure that Abbey (from my main story) is not a Mary-Sue. If she turns out to be one, I will add Sporks and Witch-Burning into the story. I just can't inflict the pain of a serious Mary-Sue on people. I'm not that evil.

(These definitions are from Urban Dictionary, so no copyright.)

Mary-Sue:

A gorgeous, athletic, talented and intelligent girl who has every man on earth chasing after her. Even though she is beautiful, she will deny this. Almost always on the good side. If not, she's that overpowered hottie on the other side. Unusually attractive, and is related or in a relationship with any Canon character.
So perfect that it's very annoying.

Used most commonly in RPGs, Fan Fictions etc etc.

Her male counterpart is Gary-Stu or Marty-Stu.

WARNING If you character is named Mary Sue but does not have these traits, the name does not exactly matter. It is okay to give you character the name, Mary Sue.

Fan-fiction writer:
Her name is Celestia Destiny Raven Violet Shimmer Moondancer. She has long raven black hair and beautiful pale skin. Her eyes are a sharp emerald but they change to a glistening red when she is mad. They change blue when she's happy too! She's very curvy and has the best taste in fashion. However she denies all of this and in such a cute, bashful way. She was such a talented witch, that the second she was born, Voldemort hissed in agony. She is sent to Hogwarts at age 6 and secretly trained by Dumbledore until she is old enough to go to Hogwarts. She then gets Draco Malfoy and half of the male population in Hogwarts to go after her. When Voldemort appears and asks her out, she refuses but shakes his out of pity. Then he turns good and we all live happily ever after. The End.

Random Guy:
MARY-SUE! MARY-SUE!

Spork:

1. Within the fandom community, "to spork" something means to parody or make fun of something, especially fanfiction.

"We sporked her story because she wrote a Mary-Sue."

(I just read through this and came to the conclusion that Abbey is not a Mary-Sue, as she is rarely "kind to everyone", and isn't the most intelligent [SPOILER: she get's a T in her Potions O.W.L, but that's mostly because she get's into an argument with him.] Also, she's not prettiest. And defiantly not shy.)