FUTILE WISHES

an old one, from April I think. But it's nice an emotional, so I like it. Here ya go, a new hellsing cuz I was getting tired of write bleach! Enjoy!

Alu-chan's POV

If I could make a wish, and god chose to grant it, what would I wish for?

Would it be to turn back the hands of time? So I could stay with them? Would it be to bring them back from the dead, so they could join me at my side once more?

Would god even care, if I wretch like me begged? Would he turn away as tears of blood stain my cheeks? Is this all I was meant for? To keep losing this game to death? Will I always be left crying? Is it a futile wish in the end? What pain would I bring them? What pain would I bring myself? Like stabbing a knife though my own heart, it's my own fault.

Maybe I shouldn't dwell on what with never happen, on what will always be a what if. But my mind dwells none the less. It's the insanity that would take up in my mind, dreams and nightmares and visions. I must dwell on this useless wish, or I shall die from not thinking about it.

Every night I look to the stars, even though I see god turning away in my minds eye. And I wish I could have a little bit of Seres's laughter, to get me through the morning. A little bit of Walter's care, to get me through the afternoon. A little bit of Intergra's stern frowns to get me through the evening. so I can drop into bed and meet them in my dreams.

And in those drams we are happy, together again, laughing and arguing and joking. My family.

If nothing else, I shall wish that I may be happy like that once more. But no one can replace my master and my fledgling and my friend. But I can wish, can't I?

My futile wishes, driving me insane. Maybe I am insane. To wish for something so useless. To wish and wish and know it will never be. But isn't that what a wish is? Something unattainable? An impossible reality. A wish is not a goal. A goal is worked towards. A wish is just thought about, and thought about. And then slowly forgotten.

Maybe I should forget this wish that is driving me insane. Maybe I should forget this wish and work towards happiness. Even though happiness seems to elude me with every step I take towards it. Maybe I should just leave this all alone and find some other meaning in life.

But...if I forget... what else will I have? I have no dreams, no goals, no life. I am just floating along, waited to erode into dust and bones but unable to.

I have nothing. Only this impossible wish. And wishes are rarely gained.

Maybe I should change my wish, choose something else that will still, most likely, be highly impossible. God, grant my wish, let these dreams stop plaguing my every waking thought.

If I could make a wish, and it wouldn't drive me crazy, what would I wish for?

Would it be for this thoughtless life to end? Would it be for this world could crumble away, so I can finally be free?

My little futile wish, I'll never let you go. I'll keep holding on, just to retain my sanity. Even if this too, is a useless thing.

Because sanity never lasts long when you already know the truth.

Grant my wish god, grant my wish.

OWARI!

Once again, sturggling to make this a page long. I'm proud of it. Now, a word from Alucard! Hee hee.

Alu-chan: (tears streaming down face) life sucks!

Grimmjow: you should have said the!

Away with you!!! RXR ONEGAI!