Daily Prophet

Calamity Strikes Again! Death Eater Attacks Helpless Muggles

The day of June 2 brought great sorrow for muggles and wizards alike as a muggle cough-ee shop was targeted by a Death Eater. Authorities were alerted to this travesty when a nearby squib called to report a man "dressed sort of like Darth Vayder, but not that committed, 'cause he wasn't wearing a helmet; he just had a black hood." When asked to expand on her report, she said that he "might've been going for a Palpatine sort of look, but he had neither the aura of evil or the classic elegance to pull it off."

As readers with NEWTS in Muggle Studies may know, Darth Vayder is a fearsome muggle, notorious for his villainy. It becomes unfortunately clear that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and his followers must have more knowledge of the muggles than was previously thought, if they knew the one person to impersonate who would have the biggest psychological impact on those poor, defenseless muggles.

Sources report that soon after the Death Eater entered the muggle residence, loud explosions were heard, followed quickly by the sound of crashing and dinnerware being broken. Soon after, witnesses report that they saw a blinding light and heard a loud scream.

"It was terrifying," said Millie Waters when pressed for comment. "It sounded like someone was being subjected to the cruciatus curse," she elaborated, shuddering. "Needless to say, I apparated out of there as quickly as I could, but before I left, I saw muggle aurors coming to try to help the victims in the shop. I'm sure the Death Eater killed them all too, because they didn't have any weapons capable of stopping magic." At this point in her testimony, Waters was wiping tears from her eyes. "I feel so bad for those poor muggles who came to help, only to meet their unfortunate demise as well," her words expressing a sentiment that's shared by hundreds of wizards over the countless bloody months of this war.

The Department of Magical Law Enforcement released a statement explaining why they declined to come to the aid of those poor creatures cursed with the inability to perform magic.

A spokesperson stated that they weren't alerted in time to help because "the muggles were dead meat the moment the Death Eater showed up; there was no way anyone was making it out of there alive." When pressed for further comment, the spokesperson reminded everyone that the aurors are already busy taking bets on which Death Eater was going to escape next, and reporters could direct any further inquiries they had to the Department of Magical Law Enforcement's legal division.

The Telegraph

Man in Darth Vader Cosplay Enters Shop, Destroys Lamp

It was just another morning for the patrons of the Black Cat Café in Northern London yesterday morning: patrons were chatting, eating, and mooching off of the free Wi-Fi—you know who you are—when an disturbance took place; one which the more discerning reader might deem rather... odd. According to witnesses, a tall figure in black strode in, brandishing a stick-like object and blowing up a lamp.

According to young eyewitness Ianto Evans (17), the events were "fucking wicked." Continuing, Mr. Evans enthused: "there was this weirdo in black pajamas pointin' this stick everywhere like it was actually gonna do something." Additionally, Evans claims, the man was "talking mad shit" including "ranting about blood and... bubbles? Puggles?" Unsure what the man's actual words were, due to his general lack of coherency, Evans confirms that the man was "kinda vague."

While expressing his (assumed) disdain, the man gesticulated wildly with his stick-holding arm, an action immediately followed by the sudden and explosive demise of a lamp on the counter. Shards of glass flew everywhere, miraculously failing to damage anything (or anyone) of importance. The man allegedly continued yelling and flailing, but before he could take further action, he was stopped by the teapot that Gloria McKinnley (67) hurled at his head. "Not gonna lie, I kinda felt bad for the guy," Evans said. "Gloria gets real mean when anyone tries to get in between her and her Earl Grey. I guess this poor bastard didn't know that, and he suffered the consequences."

The attacker was still reeling from what was probably a concussion—sources reported that "it turns out that Mrs. McKinnley's got a mean arm"—when off-duty police officer Daisy Xia (37) "lit him up like a Christmas tree," said Evans, referring to the act of her tazing the man from behind. If the suspect hadn't been sufficiently incapacitated by the blunt force trauma before, the medical examiner noted, the 50,000 volts administered to his spinal column certainly did the trick and he collapsed onto the floor. Xia "had him cuffed in under a minute."

After the attacker was restrained and unconscious, Officer Xia called for backup before sitting back down at her table to continue her date because she'd "be damned if [she] was gonna let some lunatic with a stick fetish take away from [her] time with [her] girlfriend (Rosa Santos, 34)."

Once more police officers had arrived , a spokesperson confirmed that yes, the suspect was being taken into custody; no, he hadn't woken up yet, because he'd both been given a concussion and electrocuted in under ten seconds; and that they weren't considering charging McKinnley with assault, because "only an idiot gets between Gloria and her tea."

Witnesses present at the event were mostly unfazed, Owen Palmer (52) wondering "just what it is with terrorists these days," and Amira Blake (7) complaining that while "it was cool when the light exploded," it was "kinda anticlimactic" and she wished she'd at least gotten to see Mrs. McKinnley throw something again.

In regards to the exploded lamp, Jaime (35) and Alex (41) Miller, the owners of the café, were "not that torn up about it," since "it was a present from [Alex's] brother and we kept it because we felt like we should, but it was a bit hideous if we're being honest." Sources later reported that said brother was considering buying them a new one to replace its fallen predecessor. At press time, it has been unconfirmed whether or not said lamp has indeed been purchased, but both Millers say that, to their misfortune, it is likely that it has.

When reached out to for comment, Xia and Santos gave none, save for Santos declaring that she had "the best girlfriend in the world."

A/N for anyone who cares, I still haven't abandoned the Four Horsemen fic, and new chapters are in the works for Selective Ignorance (this one's Uther's POV, y'all) and Thranduil's Beauty Parlor and Hair Salon (with all-new characters from Voltron, Fire fly, Galavant, and more)

My thinking for this fic was mainly the fact that wizards are condescending jerks and muggles have gone to the moon while wizards can't even use pencils