Sue Ellen liked cuddling. She always had. A long time ago, so long ago that it feels as if it were never really real, she'd cuddle with her father. On the good nights when he hadn't gone out and her mother hadn't started in, she'd crawl into bed on his side, he'd whisper stories of pretty little girls fighting dragons and saving kingdoms from horrible doom. He'd wrap her up in his arms and she'd rest her head on his chest and listen to his steady heartbeat. Imagining beautiful sights while breathing in his warm scent. On those nights she truly felt safe. Felt loved. But those nights were short lived and once he'd gone she'd had tried once to get into bed with her mother but was turned away. "You're old enough to sleep by yourself, Sue Ellen." She'd spend nights wishing he'd come home, wishing that he'd stayed. She wished until she'd finally forgotten his face.
—
In the early years of their marriage, JR was home early every night. He'd hold onto her tightly in his sleep, desperately seeking comfort and she was happy to give it. To have him in her arms, his head resting on her breasts. Gave her that feeling of safety that she had dreamt of for so long. She'd play with his hair and rub circles over that little spot below his ear. She could give him kisses while he was asleep, without him shying away. He was that little broken boy that sometimes came out when no one was looking and she just wanted to give him all the love she hadn't gotten as a child. She wanted to fix him and in those late hours of the night she thought she could. She really did. If she held onto him tight enough maybe he wouldn't leave. She hoped. If she just held on maybe he'd stay.
After a few years and no child, he started staying at the office later and later. The constant questioning about when that first grandson was going to come started to eat away at both of them. Breaking everything they'd tried to build. Once he started coming home drunk and smelling of cheap perfume she started to shut herself off. He'd still roll over in his sleep, seeking the comfort he'd become used to. But she'd turn away from him. His arm would come around her waist and his breath would warm her neck. She'd lay awake and wounder why her love wasn't enough. Why she hadn't been able to make him stay.
—
When John Ross was young he'd often ask her to lay with him until he fell asleep. On his tiny race car bed he'd bunch up on her side, grabbing a hold of one of her hands. Linking his small fingers through hers. He'd tell her stories about his day, stories of all the animals on the ranch. He'd talk about how Ewing Oil and how him and daddy were going to run it together. He'd get so excited she'd have to almost hold him down. He'd talk and talk until his little eyes got to heavy. Before closing them he'd always say"love you mamma". She'd stay with him for awhile after he'd nodded off. Rubbing her hand up and down his skinny back. Watching his face twitch in sleep and try to imagine his dreams filled of ponies and oil. He was such a happy little boy it was almost as if sunshine would shine from him as he talked. She'd hold onto him until her back started to ache from the tiny bed. She'd give him a kiss before going. In his sleep he'd try to stop her from leaving.
Once they had moved to England, he'd come into her room on the nights when Don was out late. He'd crawl into bed and put his hands behind his head. He was quieter then. That spark of life that use to glow off him had burned out. He'd lay there for awhile before finally reaching for her hand. He'd lace his large hand through hers. Sometime's he'd talk about the ranch, she'd ask if he wanted to go back. He'd always close his eyes and say no. Sometimes she wondered if she should just pack them both up and move back home. Wondered if that would bring her son back to life. Fix everything. But home wasn't the same. Bobby had told her about JR, how he had changed. How Miss Ellie and Clayton had left. She'd watch his face as he tried to fall asleep, he no longer fought it off but sought it out. After hours she'd finally feel his grip loosing on her hand. She'd move closer to him and put her arm around him. Her little boy had gotten so big. She'd give him a kiss on the cheek, he was to embarrassed to get one from her when he was awake now. He was pulling away already, changing. She knew she couldn't make him stay.
She'd hold onto him tightly on those nights, wishing just this once she wouldn't be left behind. But no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't make him stay.
—
When she first started sleeping with Ann she'd giving up all hope. She'd been alone for so long. She wouldn't allow the other woman to snuggle closer. She'd wrapper herself up and flip over. She'd close her eyes tightly and try to fall asleep before the soft hand came to rest on her hip as it always did. It happened just like that every night for months. Finally one night Ann broke through the darkness"don't you like to cuddle?" she asked quietly a hint of a smile could be heard in her words. It had been meant as playful comment, but the words hit hard.
"I can't be left behind again." Sue Ellen whispered, her throat tightening.
She could feel the other woman move closer, moving her hair aside, placing a small kiss to her ear.
"You won't, we won't be left behind this time. I'm here to stay."