I don't know why I'm here. I know I promised them that I'd be here for their reunion concert, but I can feel the tension in the air. I'm standing on the side of the stage waiting to perform "Before The Storm" as a gift to their fans for sticking with them for so long. It's going to be the second and probably last time we'll ever perform this together since I'm engaged, and my fiancé doesn't even know I'm here. I mean, how exactly do you tell your significant other that you're flying across the country for a night as a favor to your ex-boyfriend.
I spent the morning begging Demi to come tonight, but she was dead set against being the "Niley" buffer. I just think that she didn't want to be sucked into singing a duet with Joe. He may have broken my best friend's heart, but I'm secretly still a Jemi supporter.
It finally dawns of me that I'm literally rocking out to a concert where half the songs are about me. Technically the same thing would happen to him if he came to one of mine, but at least I don't make it totally obvious. Of course we're not counting the time I told Brazil that "Full Circle" was about a Jonas Brother. He breaks my heart every time he uses the original lyrics to "Still In Love With You". As the final cords of their mashup of "Tonight" and "We Are Young" end, the room goes dark and you can feel your eardrums at the brink of rupturing.
Nick's voice can be heard through the darkness; he's talking about moments and memories and how some people just have a bigger impact on your life. Two spotlights emerge in the center of the stage where fog can be seen in the simulated moonlight. The crash of lightning is played and the beginning chord of our song fill the air. Although, you can barely hear the song over the roar of the crowd. My round platform turns and we finally connect eyes.
"No this isn't what I wanted
Never thought it'd come this far
Thinking back to where we started
And how we lost all that we are"
My mouth goes on autopilot because I cannot for the life of me remember what I'm doing. His voice makes me melt, and because of the one spotlight, he's all I can see in the room. It's just the two of us, having a moment.
"We were young and times were easy
But I could see it's not the same
Standing here but you don't see me
Give it all for that to change
I don't want to lose her
Don't want to let her go"
The last time we performed this song, I left him for Liam and he went back to Selena. I just want this moment to last longer than the blur I have in my memories.
"Standing out in the rain
Need to know if it's over
Cause I will leave you alone
I'm flooded with all this pain
Knowing that I'll never hold her
Like I did before the storm"
The chorus just hits me every time. I can't even remember what this song sounded like before we changed it. Nick and I are always in a storm, we can rarely get it right and we're never ready for each other when it feels right. And now, it's really over because I'm getting married. He'll never hold me again, and I feel like this performance has become a sense of closure for both of us.
"With every strike of lighting
Comes a memory that lasts
Not a word is left unspoken
As the thunder starts to crash
Maybe I should give up"
Here we go talking about memories again. I'm sensing this is the theme of the night. I still remember our final fight in the rain, our relationship was a literal storm at times and I was so tired that I gave up. I wanted my happy ending without the hard times. But sometimes I look wake up and turn to Liam, and for a split second my eyes are still closed and I'm hoping that it's Nick that I open my eyes to. I know it's selfish, but I can't help holding on to my first love.
"Standing out in the rain
Need to know if it's over
Cause I will leave you alone
I'm flooded with all this pain
Knowing that I'll never hold her
Like I did before the storm
I'm trying to keep the lights from going out
And the clouds form ripping out my broken heart
They always say a heart is not a home
Without the one who gets you through the storm"
I feel like he's staring right through me. My knees are wobbly and I feel like the walls are closing in on me. I don't even realize that the song ended, or that I'm tearing up until he wipes my tear away. The intensity is literally breaking me to pieces, and here I thought I was completely over this boy, no this man.
He takes off his acoustic and hands it to a stage hand. I turn to the crowd to say "thank you" and "goodnight", and as I'm walking toward side, he grabs my hand. I look at him confused and he just leads me to the piano in the front of the stage. You can feel the ground shake as the audience screams at his gesture. I have no clue what he's planning but I don't think I can handle anymore of his intensity.
He sits me down on the piano bench and climbs next to me. He grabs my hand trying to reassure me but I don't think my own mother could even do that at this moment. For some reason, I think he's trying to hold in his nervousness, but I can't see why. He's going to perform "A Little Bit Longer" like he has hundreds of times before. I guess he just wants me here in case he gets too emotional.
He went from staring into my soul to avoiding my gaze completely. His eyes are locked on the black and white keys as he addresses his fans.
"As we mentioned before we're in the process of recording a new album. Which is both good and bad. And if you're wondering what the bad part is, it's only that as artists it's our responsibility to dive into the subjects that make us uncomfortable and write about them. And so far on the creation of this record it's been a very wide range of subjects that we've talked about. We've talked about before about enjoying those moments and staying in those moments, and some are momentary in the sense that you have to write a song and apologize for it later. I don't know that I've ever written a song that makes me as uncomfortable as this song does. But as I said before I think it's extremely important. Some things happened in this past year that effected me in a certain way in a moment, and I had to go write a song about it in that moment. And although it's not the way I feel in this moment in time hopefully this gives you a glimpse into what that experience was like for me. It's an incredible thing and it should be valued, when you appreciate someone and care for someone and there's history.And as you move on in your life you move into maturity. You have to take the experience with you as memories and not your reality. This song is called Wedding Bells."
And now I get why he won't look at me, the song is about me. I should be pissed, but I'm so emotional from before that all I can do is sit here next to him and wait to hear what he has to say. The haunting chords begin and I just clutch to his thigh for support. He puts his hands together and just focuses on the mic…
"Pardon my interruption
This drinks just setting in
And all my preservations
When reaching out don't exist
She says 'Can you keep a secret?'
A ceremony set for June
'I know it's a rush but I just love him so much,
I hope that you can meet him soon'"
My grasp on him gets tighter as I hear the pain in his voice. He NEVER tells me what he's feeling, I usually have to decipher it from a song, and this isn't much different. But I feel like he's making and effort by singing it to me to make me understand. I asked him to promise me to not say anything about telling him first, but I never made him promise not to write a song about it. You just have to love technicalities.
"No, I don't wanna love, if it's not you
I don't wanna hear the wedding bells boom
Maybe we can try, one last time
No, I don't wanna hear the wedding bells chime
Trying to fall asleep
You wake me up cause I'm trying to see the light
Instead of you in white
No, I don't wanna hear the wedding bells chime"
Tears are pouring down my face, and I'm pretty sure I have mascara tears. I'm shaking for the sobs and I feel Joe put and arm around me. I don't even remember his brothers come out. Why now? Why in front of a huge audience? This is either the most romantic gesture in the world or the most cowardly. Does he really mean it? Does he still love me? One last time? I don't even know if I can handle us breaking another time. What about Liam? Questions are swirling in my head, and if it wasn't for Joe, I'd probably be collapsed on the floor.
"Pardon my harsh reaction
You put me on the spot
And if I'm being honest
I'm hoping I get caught
Showing you I'm all happy
Not letting you see my truth
Cause if you recall our anniversary falls
11 nights into June"
11 nights into June. He has never made a real comment on our relationship until just now. Out fans refer to it has Niley Day. I'm completely doing the ugly cry now. He still won't look at me. My heart is breaking for him, I don't even know how to process this enough to decipher how I feel about this. I just want to hold him, I just want him to hold me. I just need some air to clear this thoughts in my head.
The song ends and half the audience is having a panic attack about what they witnessed, and the other half is stunned. I would be part of the stunned half had I not just emptied out all water from my eyes. He finally looks up at me, and I see the fear in his eyes. Good! He should be afraid for what he just put me through. Normal Miley would've ripped him a new one, but emotional damaged Miley just wants to run.
I'm in a trance as Kevin and Joe help me off the stage. They sit me down in the green room and Kevin tries to shove water down my throat as Joe offers to call Demi. I can still hear a whisper of Nick performing "A Little Bit Longer", I guess he's just trying to end the night with the audience in complete tears. I'm completely still in shock, I just barely register Demi running in as the boys run out to do their encore. She just holds me as I sob into her chest. She tries telling me that everything will be okay, but I'm so just so lost now. I love Liam, but I'll always love Nick more. I know it's not fair to stay with the safe choice, because Liam will never leave me, but am I really capable of living without Nick?
Suddenly, new arms are wrapped around me, I know these arms anywhere. He starts apologizing over and over and I kiss him to shut him up. I force myself to pull away as he just looks at me with confusion and hope. I back away and start wringing my hands together, I feel my ring and I can't help but feel the guilt. Not only did I go behind my fiancé's back to be here, but I also am considering leaving him for someone I hadn't been with since I was 16. I slide the ring off my finger and slip it in my pocket. I look back up into Nick's eyes.
Here goes nothing…