Confession

When Kate felt arms wrap around her, she instinctively stiffened before allowing her body to relax against the man behind her. The transition from tension to acceptance took a fraction of a second, but it was enough for Josh to know that her unconditioned response to him was still defensive. He wondered if that would ever change, but after seven months, he had to concede it didn't seem likely. Maybe it was time to confront the problem.

Compassion warred with frustration as he turned her toward him. "What's going on, Kate?"

"Nothing. I'm just a little jumpy." She tried to initiate another embrace, but he pulled away.

"Come on, who are you trying to kid?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"I think you do."

Kate couldn't meet his eyes and busied herself making a cup of tea. In the week since the bomb scare, she had been even more reserved and quiet than usual. Two near-death experiences in one day had taken their toll, and as much as she appreciated Josh's presence and support, she knew she was withdrawing from him. That she'd never fully opened up to him in the first place seemed to make the current distance between them even more pronounced. How much further could she withdraw from the one person she should be closest to?

"I'm sorry, Josh, it's just been a rough week. I think I'm having a delayed reaction to everything."

"It's more than that, and you know it." If there was an accusation in his tone, it was subtle. Still, Kate picked up on it and she turned toward him, challenging him to continue. In that instant, he decided it was now or never. "Fine, you want me to say it? You want to pretend like you don't know, okay. It's him, Kate, it's Castle."

"Castle? What does he have to do with us?" Her voice sounded insincere even to her own ears, but pride wouldn't let her back down.

"Truthfully, I think he has a lot to do with us, or at least with you. You have feelings for him."

"Yeah, I do, annoyance and frustration."

"You know, the first dozen times you told me that, I believed you. But now, not so much. There's a lot more to it."

"Josh, I haven't even seen him in a week. After everything that happened, I'd be surprised if he ever sets foot in the twelfth again."

"I wouldn't. I've seen the two of you together, and yeah, last week can be chalked up to tension and adrenaline, but there's more to it, Kate. When he's in a room, your eyes are on him. And vice versa. When your phone rings, you pounce on it, and then visibly deflate when it's not him. If he calls in the middle of the night about come crazy theory, you're out the door like a shot. And in the past week you've been moody and withdrawn, snapping at me and closing in on yourself. I may not be a detective, but it's doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to see what's going on."

Kate was shaking her head, trying desperately to deny everything he was pointing out to her. She had really thought she'd done a good job of hiding her feelings for Castle. Yes, she felt a little flutter in her belly when he walked into the precinct. And he had a way of saying just the right thing to make her smile at the end of a long day. And he'd been by her side every minute of the Raglan case, and during the terrorist threat they'd barely come out of with their lives. He could have left for the Hamptons with his mother and daughter, and yet he'd stayed, ready to die by her side trying to stop a bomb. But Castle was a live wire, and Kate did not want to get shocked – or worse – by the current he sent though her. Yes, she had feelings for him, and those feelings scared the daylights out of her with their intensity. She'd allowed herself to get a bit closer to the source of that electricity last spring, and the consequences had burned her deeply. When he'd walked away with Gina, she'd nearly crumbled where she stood from a surge of emotions she didn't know could be so strong. It was far better to pretend those feelings didn't exist than to risk so much on someone who'd already hurt her more than she thought she could be hurt.

But that wasn't the point. Hanging her head, she couldn't deny the truth of Josh's words. But she wasn't willing to give up yet. "Okay, fine, yes, I feel more for him that annoyance. But Josh, it's not like that between us. We're friends, partners, that's it. At one time, I thought about pursuing more, but it's not going to happen. I want to be with you. I'm choosing you."

"Yeah, but why are you choosing me?"

"I don't understand. I want to be with you. I like the way you make me feel, I like your drive and ambition." Why did all of those reasons suddenly sound so hollow?

"Exactly, you like those things about me, but you don't love them – or me. I'm a safe harbor, Kate, a distraction."

His words stung, deep, and her voice was sheer ice when she said, "How can you say that? Is that really all you think the last seven months have been to me? A distraction? A cop out? Do you think I've been using you all this time?"

"No, I don't think you've been using me." He walked over and wrapped his arms around her, feeling the rigid tension radiate off her. Softening his voice, he continued, "But I also don't think we've gotten as close as two people should be after seven months. Yeah, I know I've been gone a lot, but you've kept me at arm's length. You won't talk to me about your mother's murder, except in the vaguest terms. I haven't even met your father, and you barely introduced me to the people at the precinct who you spend ninety percent of your time with. I'm a convenience for you, Kate. I'm someone you can spend time with on a Saturday night, someone to offer a hug after a bad day, someone you can say you're in a relationship with. But I'm not the person you're in love with."

Guilt, sadness, and indignation battled inside Kate, but she refused to let fall the tears that swam in her eyes. "Why now, Josh? What happened? One minute you're giving up a trip to Haiti so that we can make this work, and now you're accusing me of emotional adultery. I'm a big girl, I can decide for myself who I want to be in a relationship with."

"And I'd be thrilled with that if I believed you weren't hiding from him. It's written all over your face, but you won't admit it even to yourself. Do you think I like knowing my girlfriend is in love with another man and that I'm the one who has to point it out to her?" Frustrated again, he pulled away and ran a hand through his hair. "I'm not some damn consolation prize."

"No, you're not. You're a wonderful guy, Josh, and I really thought I could fall in love with you. I even convinced myself I was getting to that point. But you're right, I'm not in this relationship a hundred percent. I don't know how much that has to do with Castle ..." The look he gave her clearly said "quite a bit," but he stayed quiet and let her continue. "The truth is, I don't know what I feel for him. I kept thinking it would go away, especially if you and I got closer. But we never did, did we?"

Josh shook his head.

"So what now? You're giving up on us, going to Haiti? And what's my choice? I don't get to say I want to try? You decide I'm better off with Castle, and I don't have a say?"

"You're too stubborn for you're own good. You'll fight to stay with me just to prove you don't want to be with him."

Exasperated, they both stood there, alternately staring at each other and then into their cups. Quietly, almost so quietly he didn't hear her, she said, "You're right." Then, a little louder, she made her confession. "I have been hiding. As long as I had you, I could ignore everything else."

"So you do love him?"

"One time I thought I did, but I don't know anymore. And because of you, I've stopped myself from thinking about it. It wasn't fair to us, and I really did want to make it work. But we've been ignoring problems between us that have nothing to do with Rick Castle. We're too much alike, you know – too dedicated to our jobs, too self-involved, and in my case, too many trust issues." She paused, deciding whether to continue, then figured she didn't have anything else to lose. He'd called her bluff and won. "But I also haven't been completely honest with you about Castle. Things between us are not quite as ... casual as I've made it seem. I do care for him – a lot. I trust him. I rely on him. That doesn't happen to me too often, and it's a little scary."

"You know, some would say I'd be well within my rights to be ranting and raving and calling you all manner of insulting names right about now. But I can't say I didn't see the signs. I just chose to ignore them."

Kate didn't know what to say. It seemed she was finding herself in that situation a lot lately. Resigned, she said the only words that seemed appropriate: "I'm sorry, Josh."

"I know, so am I. Do me a favor, though."

"Anything."

"Tell him, Kate. The man regularly risks his life for you, and last week, when he woke up in that ambulance, he practically went berserk until he knew you were okay. I don't know what's kept you from being with him, and truth be told, I don't want to know, but if I'm going to lose you, I want it to be so that you can be happy."

The tears she'd been holding back began to fall freely. She nodded her head, "I will."