Jack and the Beanstalk: with the word "ripper" crossed out right before the word "beanstalk"
Characters:
Jack (he has a British accent)
The Mom (she also has a British accent, high pitched voice.)
The Giant (he's rather queer in the head, if you know what I mean. Does not have a British accent.)
Agatha Christie (yes, has a British accent also. He/she has a high pitched voice. The role can be played by either gender.)
Person/Voice (does not have a British accent. Must be played by same person.)
Prologue
[whole cast on stage
Agatha Christie: We would like to thank everyone for coming to our theatre, where we will present Agatha Christie's "Jack and the Beanstalk: with the word "ripper" crossed out right before the word "beanstalk".
Giant: [waving to audience Hi, Mom!
Agatha Christie: You blithering idiot! Get offstage! The production is about to start!
[Everyone exits stage, except Agatha Christie and Person
Agatha Christie: Are you excited about the production?
Person: Yes, I am. Let's sit down, shall we?
Agatha Christie: Yes, let's. They go offstage. Next lines all spoken from offstage
Agatha Christie: Tea and biscuits, perhaps?
Person: No, no thanks. But I hear that tea and biscuits figure prominently in the play.
Agatha Christie: Oh, goody!
Scene I
[Mother and Jack onstage
Mother: Jack! Take my cow of a husband, and sell him at the market!
Jack: All right, mother, I'll do just that.
Mother: And just for some foreshadowing, do not sell him to a wizard with magical beans!
Jack: Don't worry, Mother, I'm not quite so stupid as that.
Mother: Now off with you!
Jack: Quite right, mother. I'll be back for tea time. Ta ta!
Scene II
[Mother and Jack onstage
Jack: Mother! I'm back!
Mother: Do you have the food?
Jack: No, I've got something much, much better!
Mother: Better? It's just a crapload of beans!
Jack: MOTHER! First off, there is no profanity in a children's story! And second of all, they're not ordinary beans, they're magical!
Mother: I shall cast these beans into the garden
Jack: (as his mother throws them away) Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Mother: Now off to bed with you!
Jack: But I haven't had my tea and biscuits yet!
Mother: Oh, to hell with your tea and biscuits!
Jack: All right, mother, I'll make a deal with you—I'll do what you ask, and then we'll have tea and biscuits.
Mother: No biscuits!
Jack: All right, all right, not the biscuits, but let's have the tea anyways!
Mother: All right then. But I have to have a nap first.
Jack: Rightey-oh then! We'll do that in the morning. Good night, mother! Cheerio!
Scene III
[Scene begins with Jack onstage
Jack: Oh my Lord! Look at that beanstalk! It grew where mother threw the beans! That thing is immense! I wonder how tall it is. I don't think Mother will mind if I leave for a moment. [he begins to climb
Voice 1: [offstage; singing Climbing, climbing, climbing, we're climbing, climbing, climbing… [stops singing: next line spoken normally A few hours later… [singing resumes Climbing, climbing, climbing, we're climbing, climbing, climbing… [stops singing: next line spoken normally A few minutes later… [singing resumes, only this time, the voice sounds exhausted Climbing, climbing, climbing, we're climbing, climbing, climbing… [singing stops completely
Jack: Oh, my! That was one tall beanstalk. I wouldn't want to fall from here. Oh my LORD! What a HUGE castle! (knocks on door) Hello? Oh, well, the door's open, I might as well go inside. (he goes inside) Hello? Oh my, listen to that echo! [testing the echo Hello? Hello? Hello? [stops testing echo Oh, my Lord, look at that! A golden goose! Wait! What's that noise? (enter giant)
Giant: A fee, a fi, a fo, a fum, I smell an English bum, and one with a really nice one, too.
Jack: Oh, Lord! Run away! (starts to run, pauses, turns around, next lines spoken very fast) Is that tea and biscuits, guvn'r? I haven't had mine yet. [quickly eats them Thank you very much. Goodbye then, have a jolly nice day!
Giant: Ah, come back here! Come back here! Like, oh, my god, he went down the beanstalk. (goes down himself) Uh-oh. It just, like, cracked. I knew I should've gone on that diet. Mom told me to, but I didn't listen. [begins fall AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
Voice: [offstage Two hours later…
Giant: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
Voice: [offstage A few minutes later…
Giant: AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! [crash
Scene IV
[Jack and Mother onstage
Mother: Jack! Where were you? I thought you got bloody raped by a bunch of Englishmen!
Jack: No, mother. There was a giant, but he didn't rape me.
Mother: What kind of giant?
Jack: A man, I think. OR maybe a girl? At any rate, he was a trifle bit queer in the head, if you know what I mean. I have slayed the giant!
Mother: Let me guess—he was too heavy for the beanstalk.
Jack: That's not funny, mother, how did you guess?
Mother: Oh, I just did. Lucky guess, perhaps?
Jack: So how about that tea and biscuits?
Scene V
[whole cast on stage once more
Agatha Christie: We would like to thank everyone for watching the presentation of Agatha Christie's "Jack and the Beanstalk: with the word "ripper" crossed out right before the word "beanstalk". We invite you here next week, when we will present-- [interrupted by Person.
Person: Er, Mrs. Christie?
Agatha Christie: Yes?
Person: I'm afraid we can't afford to do this show anymore. You see, everyone left.
Agatha Christie: You mean they just got up and left in the middle of our production?
Person: Yes. [Agatha Christie faints