Disclaimer: I own NOTHING! NADA! ZIP! KA-KUNT! Everything belongs to Joss Whedon, UPN, and Fox (gag).
Alexander Lavelle Harris glared at his roommate/boyfriend/lover/current annoyance from across the breakfast/lunch/dinner/occasional fuck-place known as a table. More appropriately, he was glaring at the 'foul death paste', as Xander called it, that he currently had spread across his breakfast. He grimaced.
The Black Death, he thought, how fitting. A dead guy eating something that tastes like death. I have no idea what's worse, watching him drink blood or watching him eat that fucking Vegemite! It tastes like batteries!
"It tastes like asses," he said aloud.
"What?" Spike said, looking rather like a deer in headlights.
"Er…nothing," Xander said through clenched teeth.
How can we have so much in common, Xander thought, and disagree here. We both love art and books…okay…pornography (but that's art, too!) and dirty books, but still!
He watched Spike take another bite of toast covered in 'bitter sadness' and blanched. I may blind to any evil you could do, but I can't fucking sit here and watch him defile food with that death in paste-form. Rising from the table, he took his cereal bowl and cup and brought it to the sink.
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Buffy stood in the Magic Shop, alongside Dawn, Tara and Willow, researching this week's latest monster. Her head was shoved in a book, but her mind was elsewhere, as usual as were Dawn and Willow's, that is until-
"I don't see what the sodding deal is!" Spike shouted, "I've seen you eat worse things. Like...Twinkies!"
"The very smell of it obliterates my senses! And if it weren't bad enough that you eat it for breakfast you also eat the shit for lunch which means we can't spend any time together! What kind of relationship is that?" Xander shouted, "And leave Twinkies out of this!"
"Oh, gawd," Buffy groaned with chuckle, "not the Vegemite fight again."
"Yes, the 'Vegemite fight' again," Xander said, "I just can't be with a person who insists on putting that foul death paste in their mouth."
"Hey, there's a lot of shit about you that annoys me, but I don't-"
Dawn giggled maniacally, sounding much like a hyena in heat.
"What the bleeding hell is wrong with the Lil' Bit?"
"Rabies, probably," Buffy said, off-handedly.
"Hey!" Dawn slapped Buffy, "I-"
"I think I found our monster," Giles said, walking in from the backroom. Taking a look around him, he saw his charges faces, a kind of dumbstruck, but highly entertained look. "What the bloody hell is going on here?"
Dawn looked at Buffy who looked at Willow who innocently said, "Vegemite fight."
"Oh…that explains a lot," Giles said dryly.
After a long silence, Buffy finally spoke, "so…what kind of monster do I have to shove something shiny and sharp into this week, Giles?"
"Oh, uh…this here," Giles said, pointing to a picture in the thick leather book in his hands.
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"What the hell happened?" Dawn asked from her position behind the counter, seeing her sister covered in green ooze.
"We just witnessed a spectacular kicking of Buffy's ass," Spike said nonchalantly.
"And we're about to witness a spectacular staking of your ass, Chipboy," Buffy snarled.
"Spike, don't say it," Xander warned, feeling a headache coming on.
Of course Spike ignored him and continued his banter with Buffy. There is only so much I can take, Xander thought. What the hell is that smell? Oh, god, it's his breath. You selfish bastard! You had Vegemite again.
"Spike, could you please shut the hell up," Xander asked again, having been subjected to about ten minutes of the Spike and Buffy bitchfest. "Maybe you should be married to Buffy, instead."
"That is so not funny, Xander," Buffy snapped.
"What's not funny?" Giles said, walking out from the back, carrying a tea cup and a piece of toast with-
Oh, fuck me! Shit! Him too? Is there anyone in England who doesn't eat that spreadable cancer? "You gotta be shittin' me."
"What?" Giles asked.
"That," Xander pointed at the thing in his hand.
"Oh, come off it!" Giles cried. "Have you ever even had it?"
"Yeah, I had this really traumatic and awful experience when I was six years old. Our British next door neighbor who was babysitting me, um, they had Marmite, which is just like Vegemite, except it's, like, even grosser. And he made me eat an entire spoonful of it, but he told me it was chocolate fudge, and then I threw up, and it was really awful, and I'm sorry I get so emotional," Xander babbled.
The looks his friends wore were a mixture of shock, delight, and sheer entertainment.
"Wow," Spike said, obviously trying to suppress laughter and express concern instead, "why didn't you ever tell me about this?"
"I did, you just never pay attention" Xander said, scooting away from Spike when he sat down next to him.
"When," Spike asked, moving over, trying to get closer to Xander.
"Every single fucking time you eat that rot," Xander removed Spike's arm from his shoulder and shoved him away angrily.
"I would've remembered," Spike countered, and then pounced on Xander, trying to tickle him to death.
"Arggh," Xander shouted, shoving Spike off him, much to everyone's surprise, and rising quickly from the couch, "this is exactly what I'm talking about! You never actually listen to me! I can't take it anymore, it's all about you! It's just take, take, take, take! What about my feelings, what about me?"
After a silence, Willow finally said something, "feel better?"
"Much, actually," Xander smiled and cuddled up next to Spike.
"It really can't be that bad," Buffy said, sighed and then continued, "let me try it."
"Buffy," Xander warned, "you might want to keep some acid on hand…for gargling."
Taking a bit of it into her mouth, Buffy immediately grimaced. Xander's face lit up, watching her running around the Magic Shop trying to find a garbage can to spit it out in.
"Argh!" Buffy screamed, "That is nasty!"
"Told you," Xander said with a smile, and quickly turned his attention back to Spike, who was quickly stealing a jar of Gile's Vegemite. "Put down that Vegemite, you fucker, or I'll leave."
The End.
A/N: much of Xander's dialogue and thoughts are taken from the Amanda Palmer Song "The Black Death" AKA "The Vegemite Song"/"Vegemite Love Song"