Disclaimer: NCIS Belongs to DBP and the song is by Shayne Ward.
The ONLY thing I own is Jay :)
He stepped inside hesitantly, glancing around until his eyes fell on the woman that had called him. He smiled faintly, closing the door quietly and looking up at the source of a very excited young boy. "Tony!" The boy exclaimed with a great deal of excitement, making his way down the stairs hastily and wrapping his arms around the man's waist, resting his head against Tony's side.
Tony smiled, rustling the boy's hair softly. "Jay it's late you should be in bed." He said quietly, looking up at the woman again while he tried awkwardly to get Jay off of him. He smiled, looking down again.
"Mum said I could stay up a bit later, though." He said evenly, looking up at Tony through playfully narrowed eyes.
"Okay fine, but do me a favor and," He reached into the pocket inside his jacket and handed a movie to the boy. "Go put this in upstairs and start watching it, I'll come watch it with you in a bit." He promised, chuckling softly as Jay took it and bolted back up the stairs to start his movie.
"Tony. I don't know how you do that," The woman said softly, smiling sadly as she watched her son run back up the stairs. "But I'm glad at least one of us can."
Tony frowned a little, walking over to her and urging her back into the study. "Jen, what's wrong? You sounded kind of upset when you called me." He said in a slightly worried tone, closing the door quietly and watching her through wary eyes.
Jenny backed up as he pushed her and sat down on the small leather couch, taking a deep breath and patting the spot next to her. "I didn't ever want to tell anyone, other than Ducky. At least not until it was too late." She said quietly, looking away from him.
Tony frowned; feeling a little confused by her words. They weren't making any sense to him. "Jenny, what are you talking about?" He sat down next to her, taking his jacket off and looking at her carefully. "Jen? What's wrong?" He asked carefully. He moved closer, putting an arm around her waist and one hand on her chin, forcing her to look forward at him.
"Tony, the only reason I called is because when I know I need you to, you won't tell anyone. And I know everyone else might think otherwise, that you couldn't keep anything to yourself. But I need someone other than Ducky to know- for Jay." She said softly, "But I'm not even sure how much longer I actually do have left." She kept her eyes on his for a few moments.
"Okay, now I'm worrying. Jenny," He was about to start a new sentence but he had no words. She did have a point, for her he'd keep anything to himself. Sure, he liked sharing things about his own life, sometimes.
"Tony, I'm sick. And I don't mean I'm sick with a cold." She said carefully. She felt stupid for saying it like that, that was like something out of a really cheesy movie.
"Jenny, you're not pulling 'A Walk To Remember' on me, are you?" He asked, narrowing his eyes slightly. "What are you talking about?"
"Tony, I'm dying." She snapped, glaring at him and pulling her chin away from his hand. She stood up, moving away from him.
"That would explain the six weeks personal time." He muttered, looking up at her in a slightly shocked state. "From what? How? Why?" He asked, trying to keep himself calm. His expression became very serious. There was no hint of his usual playful self. This was clearly serious and since Jeanne, he knew how to be serious when it was necessary.
"Tony, I don't want to talk about how, or why. It doesn't matter. What does matter is that it's happening and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to do this on my own. And I've done a lot on my own." She caught her bottom lip between her teeth, green eyes dark and slightly glazed with worry.
Tony nearly growled with frustration, pushing himself to his feet to meet her. He put his hands on her upper arms, looking down slightly at her. "Jenny, what do you want me to do? I don't- I can't understand unless you help me out here…" He studied her eyes very carefully.
She took a deep breath. Jenny Shepard doesn't cry. She ordered herself bitterly, looking up at him evenly. "I don't know. I don't, Tony. For once in my damned life I don't know where I'm going from here!" She nearly yelled, catching herself and quickly dropping her voice low again.
Tony noticed that for the second time ever- since the day he'd met her- she was scared. As much as she wouldn't admit it he could see it. She looks tired. "Okay, but just because I'm curious why me? Why not- Ziva? Or… Or Gibbs?" He asked, making an awkward facial expression.
She sighed, dropping her eyes to the floor again. "Because I don't know how. Ziva- she would act like nothing is wrong. Gibbs would try and find a way to fix it. But you'll just help me get through it."
Tony watched her carefully, feeling a little nervous somewhere inside of him. He swallowed hard, moving a hand up to stroke her hair softly. Sure, away from everyone else they had a very friendly and open relationship. Not much more than this, but there was something. He backed toward the couch again, sitting down and pulling her down with him. He settled her in his lap, keeping one arm around her waist and looking up at her. "Jenny, what do you want me to do?" He asked, looking as lost as he sounded.
"Tony… I don't know. I just didn't know where to go. I don't know… Where to go." She sounded a little lost now too. "I just needed someone, and I know that you won't run away."
She sounds weak. The thought tore at his heart and he hated it. "I'll be here for Jay. Regardless of what happens… I mean- I technically can't take custody of him- he's not mine. But when you're gone I'll make sure he does go to… Someone." He was trying his best to help but he didn't know what to say to her. She was right about some things. He wouldn't pretend it wasn't real. He would try not to think about it when he was alone or with others but while he was here with her, everything that was said or done was real. He moved his hand up her back, stroking her hair softly and watching her.
"I don't want to leave him alone…" She said softly, chewing her bottom lip thoughtfully, staring hard at the floor as if it held all of the answers. She winced slightly, taking in a sharp breath.
"Jenny what is it?" He asked, noticing the sudden shift in the atmosphere. Pain, there was pain. He could see it all over her face like an open picture book.
"Nothing, it just hurts." She said softly, rubbing her legs absently. What hurts? Fucking everything. That's what hurts. She thought with a cringe of remorse. She moved one arm up over his shoulders, moving a little closer to him. She didn't want anything, except maybe a little more time. There is never enough time.
He looked sad, she was scared and he couldn't make it better. He moved his arms completely around her, pulling her small frame close against him. She felt more fragile that she used to, that made him sad too but he couldn't be sad. She wouldn't like that.
She rest her head against his shoulder, desperately wishing she could just cry and never stop. She wanted to, the tears were stinging her eyes but she wouldn't let them fall. They weren't going to fall. She nuzzled his neck softly, closing her eyes tight to will the tears to just go away. "If I had a choice I would just die in your arms. At least I know I'd be safer there." Her voice shook slightly, with the clear sounds of her holding back tears.
Tony held her a little tighter when she said those words. He studied the carpet in front of him, feeling his eyes burn a little. "Jenny, you're not going anywhere unless it's on your own terms…" He said so softly his words were barely audible.
She let out a soft sob, moving her other arm around his neck and hugging his shoulders tightly, her body shaking slightly as she fought so hard to hold back tears. "Tony, it's not going to be like that this time. I don't know if I can make it go the way I want it to this time." Her voice cracked, and she felt a few tears escape her, falling against his shoulder and leaving small dark spots on his shirt.
He heard her cry, and he felt the drops of warmth soak through his shirt. His heart twisted painfully. Jenny Shepard doesn't cry. It's just something she doesn't do. He squeezed her gently. He was the one she needed tonight. He was the one she needed; the one that would hold her tight. The one she felt safe enough she could die feeling no regrets.
Regrets. She had a lot of those. She hoped he wouldn't run away. She did need him. Jenny Shepard didn't need anything. "Tony, I don't want to be alone." She whispered, trying to stop her body from shaking as she fought tears.
"Jenny, you aren't alone. I won't go anywhere." He promised, stroking her hair slowly. "You'll be okay, and I won't go anywhere. I won't tell anyone, and I won't run away." He looked over at her, brushing her hair from her face and wiping at her tears softly.
She pulled her face away from his hand, burying herself further into his neck and crying silently. Her body showed no sign that she was crying but they both knew. It would be their secret. Jenny Shepard does cry. She does now. This was the one place she felt safe enough to cry. "I don't want to run away, I don't want to be alone. No promises." She mumbled softly, letting herself cry. This would be it. This would be her cry, her breakdown, and her moment. She wouldn't cry again after this.
Tony rest his head against hers, keeping his arms around her and stroking her hair softly. He listened carefully to her words and put it together quickly. "Hey, baby. When we are together- doin' things that we love. Every time you're near I feel like I'm in heaven, feelin' high. I don't want to let go, girl." He sang, barely, his voice mostly a whisper. "I don't want to run away, baby. You're the one I need tonight. No promise, Baby-"
She looked up at him for a moment and barely smiled, "Now I need to hold you tight, I just want to die in your arms here- Tonight." She finished in a barely audible voice. She buried her face against his neck, crying freely. He wouldn't tell anyone, she knew that. Her body shook violently while she cried, she cried like it was the last thing she would ever do.
Tony swallowed hard, holding her even tighter while she cried. I don't want to run away, you're the one I need tonight. No promises. He nuzzled her hair softly. "Jenny, I'm not going to judge. This is going to happen whether anyone likes it or not. And we'll go on like nothing is wrong until that day. How ever you decide to do this." He spoke very softly, and rather slowly. He braced her gently, rubbing her back to calm her wordlessly.
It took her a few tries, but she finally calmed. This was her night, and this was her confession. She would never talk about this again, and when she went she wouldn't say a word about being sick. She knew what she would do, she would just have to find a way to do it soon. She sat up slowly, looking down at him with a sad smile.
"Feel better?" He asked awkwardly, reaching up and wiping the few tears left that stained her flush cheeks. "I mean- besides… That." He studied her eyes, which seemed a very bright green with their dampness.
She took a deep and shaky breath, collecting herself carefully before opening her mouth to find any words. "As good as I ever will. As much as can be expected." She laughed weakly, shaking her head a little. Once they left this room, they both knew how it would work. Jenny Shepard never cried.
He nodded slowly, caressing her cheek softly for a few moments before looking for anymore words. "Do you want to… Go up stairs and watch the rest of the movie with him?" He asked, studying her eyes thoroughly.
She leaned down, kissing his cheek softly and pretending like he'd never asked. "Thank you, Tony." She said quietly before getting up and steadying herself. She held out a hand to him, regarding his question. "Movie. Let's go." She smiled, collecting herself completely.
Tony couldn't help but smile at her, the way she worked was something he would never come to understand and he accepted that. She was Jenny Shepard. What she did, she did on her terms without any questions asked or answered. He took her hand and stood up, putting an arm over her shoulders and walking out of the study with her. He guided her up the stairs, hugging her with one arm and letting her lead the way to her room where her son had put the movie on.
Jenny crawled across the bed, leaning back on the headboard and putting her arm around her son. She looked back at Tony and smiled a little, her eyes thanking him one last time. She put an arm out, asking him to join her.
Tony smiled, shaking his head a little and walking over, crawling across the bed and sitting next to her. He put an arm over her shoulders, patting Jay's head and rustling his hair again, which jogged a rather annoyed protest from the young boy.
Jenny shushed them both, smacking Tony in the chest softly with a small laugh. "Stop annoying him, and watch the movie." She ordered, chuckling and watching the TV with little interest. She leaned against Tony slightly, keeping her arm over Jay's shoulders.
Tony looked down at her and squeaked when she smacked him, laughing softly and resting his chin on the top of her head. A family wasn't exactly what they were. He wasn't with her- officially, anyway. Sure, they had their moments and Jay had very well accepted him.
This was far from perfect, but neither of them would change it. It is what it is and that was just… It. There were secrets, there were things shared between only them. They knew each other better than well and that was just how it was. No explanation was necessary and nothing would change. They had each other, and they wouldn't ask anything more or anything less.