MULTIPLE FURSONALITY
PART 1
Sirius entered McGonagall's office but no, not to be scolded for poisoning the rats (and thereby her cats, as well as his own. He had not thought that one through). It was time for some of that career's advice!
"Take a seat," she said.
"Don't you have a real career's advisor?"
"We used to. But it's not rocket science. An idiot could do it." She looked over his marks and various reports while asking her questions. "Any idea what you'd like to do for your two-week work placement? What are you interested in?"
"Money and leisure."
"Yes I, too, though you'd be into politics..."
"But that sounds so... not-anarchistic."
"I see. Well, the bad news is you've shown to be super clever."
"And what's the bad news?"
"The bad news is you can do anything you like.
"Ok. And the bad news?"
"I meant bad news for the people you bully."
"Oh."
"Bad news is there are no bad news for you."
That probably upset her more than anybody else.
"Ever considered going into law? You get to find ways around them, argue with authorities and object to loads of things."
That was true, he'd get to say: I put it to you! Not to mention the money! But somehow Sirius just didn't want the same job as his dad! He shrugged.
"What was the other thing I was thinking..," said McGonagall. "I got the idea from Professor Slughorn, because he had suggested the same thing to Mr Snape. How does dentist sound?"
Sirius's first reaction was that he did not want to get into the same professional field as Snape and Roy. But his second reaction was that it could be his ticket to becoming a drummer in a succesful rock band. And then a frontman/pianist in the same succesful rock band since he didn't actually play the drums.
"Why do you think I'd make a good dentist?" he asked, still somewhat insulted to be called a maladjusted sociopath to his face like this.
"Your temperament is wrong for the priesthood, and teaching will suit you still less."
"I still don't want to be a dentist. Especially if Sourpus Grape is going to be a dentist!"
"You don't have to worry about him. He is still hellbent on teaching, as it happens."
"Really?" No, really?
"I know but there you go," McGonagall replied, just as puzzled over the fact that somebody who hated children, had no people skills and thought all questions were stupid questions wanted to be a teacher. This was probably because Snape knew that nobody in the world would ever want to hire him except for Dumbledore.
Sirius envisioned himself in dentist robes and performing a musical number in front of a terrorstruck patient while inhaling laugh gas for a moment. Then he popped it with his perfect nail.
"I remember what I want to do now!" he said.
"Ok what?"
"Radio!"
XXX
The turn came to James. He stepped into McGonagall's office, and she invited him to sit. How nice, to be invited to sit.
"Well," said McGonagall. "The bad news is you're brilliant."
"And what's the bad news?"
"It's not news. Just unfair. Ok, so what do you want to do? And please don't say you want to play elite Quidditch!"
"Why not? What's wrong with wanting to play elite quidditch?"
"It's childish!"
"Would it be a complete waste of my brilliance?"
"The competition is really tough."
"HA! I laugh in the face of competition! Or I reckon I would, if I ever came across it!"
"Ohhh dear... Look, surely playing elite quidditch for some ten years can't compare to some of the other things you sometimes do?"
James wasn't entirely sure what she was referring to. Did he ever do other things she was meant to know of? He also really liked the prospect of being a hot Quidditch celebrity for ten or so years, travelling the world for various cups and then retiring in his mid-to late thirties in a huge palace in wizard's LA, collecting veteran broomsticks and occasionally acting as a commentator on telly when he wasn't designing underpants.
McGonagall popped his fantasy with a perfect tartan-painted nail.
"How does spending the work placement assisting the Fire Brigade sound?"
"The Fire Brigade? Sign me up!"
XXX
The turn came to Peter.
McGonagall looked over her papers, her brows in a toubled 'V'.
"Hmmmm. Hmmmm. What about... Hmmmm..."
Peter sighed.
"Do you like swabbing floors in your free time?"
XXX
And Remus, well he could only avoid career's advice with McGonagall until he could avoid it no more. And McGonagall was quite up to heRE with his sour attitude.
"Sit up! Don't pout! Look at me! This is not a 'stupid waste of time'!"
Yes it was.
"So, the good news is you're really clever and really brilliant."
Tosh. She probably said that to everybody.
"The bad news is nobody likes a sourpus! But I'm not going to suggest dentistry. Besides, I want you all to choose your work placement place really carefully. So, what do you want to do?"
"Doesn't matter."
"Try me."
"Accounting."
"Accounting?"
That was always handy in prisons, at least in films.
XXX
Meanwhile James and Sirius (Peter was there, but didn't say much) were talking about their career's advice.
"She thinks you'd make a good dentist?" James asked, entertained by this.
"She does. And sure, I could do it for the laugh gas and musical numbers. But then I decided to go with rude pirate radio."
"You should go to the Fire Brigade with me! There must be a musical about the fire brigade!"
"When you find one, let me know."
They were just outside McGonagall's office, and when Remus came out they naturally asked him about his talk.
"How did it go?" James asked.
"Fine. She asked me: What do you want to do? And I said: Accounting."
"Smart," Sirius nodded. "You know whatelse would be good? Jailor. No, even better yet! Prison architect!"
"You do know that prison isn't like Jail House Rock?" James asked. "Or The Producers?"
"Oh! Oh! You should have said: Producer!"
"If you had seen the Producers you'd know why I said accounting," said Remus.
"If you had seen The Producers you'd know why you shouldn't have said accounting."
"You should have just said Liza Minelli, Padfoot!" said James, because Liza Minelli was the only musical theatre reference he knew.
Then Fletcher came out from Sprout's office, for apparently everybody had their caree's advice with their respective Heads of House.
"So Fletch," said Sirius. "What do you want to be when you grow balls?"
"A Keeper of Seeds!" Fletcher replied with great enthusiasm.
"Hm..," There seemed to be a joke in there somewhere. Oh well. "Don't tell me more about it."
"I'm going to have my work placement at the Archive of Botany!"
"Is that one of those more rigid orders that don't allow women?"
"Not unless they grow on trees. And they have all sorts of amazing trees there! There's a tree that grows laughing heads, there's the one that grows naked women, The Rapist's Temptation, and there's even a money tree!" Fletcher sighed and drooled. "They even have the Kalpavriksha, but it's as you can imagine guarded by terrible things! What's the Kalpavriksha, I hear you ask?"
"Nobody asked that," said James.
"It's a tree that grants wishes! Bet you'd like to have your work placement at the Archive of Botany now! Well, they only have room for one more so I guess you'll have to fight over it!"
There was a sound like that of a gun shot, as they were often heard in spaghetti westerns. Fletcher jumped.
"What was that?!"
It had either been a gun shot, or somebody disappearing very fast in a cartoon.