The Quest, My Quest
Hahah, this is just an OOC! warning for you all. The characters are all out of character, and this is just for fun and laughs. So, I hope you guys laugh!
This is a disclaimer. Feel free to hate on it, as I do, but that still does not change the fact that I do not own Harry Potter.
We have stumbled on a matter of great seriousity (yes, that's a word. I'm serious! Because I said so, of course. Stupid inner Granger.) and importance. I, Draco Lucius (Merlin, I hate my middle name. I mean, come ON. He's already my father. I don't need to be reminded of him every time someone asks me what my name is. Geez. It's not like I would name my son Scorpius Draco Malfoy. Maybe Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy. Or some cool middle name like that. And yes, Scorpius is a very nice name.) Malfoy, have taken it upon myself, out of the goodness of my heart (as well as the respect and admiration that I will no doubt be on the receiving end of) to fix this life threatening matter. (Besides, I can just imagine the looks of pure rage and jealousy on those poor souls' faces when I become famous for this.)
I have composed a list of things to help me through this quest, if I may call it. There are ten items on my list, ten ways to solve this bothersome problem, and I will use them all. If I should fail (which I doubt. After all, this is a Malfoy made and approved plan.), my good friend Blaise Zabini will be completing this perilous quest for me. (Wait, he won't do it? Did I hear that right? Stupid Zabini! He wants 20 Galleons? Screw him... What? Fine, he can have the bloody Galleons. But he only gets them if I fail! Which is, I repeat, highly unlikely.)
If my quest proves successful (which is very likely) my name will be remembered favourably for generations, and I will be remembered as a hero! (Yes, as opposed to "that annoying, yet incredibly sexy, blonde twit in Slytherin". That would be a nice change.) Now, you're probably dying to know what this most important quest is. (As much as I would love to watch you die while I stay nice and alive whilst I laugh at your suffering faces...) I now present to you, the one and only...
10 Ways to Get Hermione Granger to Shut Up
10. Insult Her
Ah, my favourite pastime. Don't you agree? She's in the Library. Again. I swear, that girl must live there, or something like that. But anyway, this should be a piece of cake. I have a whole slew of insults just brewing in my brain. She will be rendered speechless and offended. Two of my favourite things to watch her feel.
I take my time eating dinner. There's no rush. After all, if Hermione Granger truly does live in the Library, I have no real reason to rush. Oh Merlin, here comes Nott. I really shouldn't have spiked his muffin with Puking Pastilles this morning. But he was on a date with the little Greengrass, so I just couldn't help it. And that time he beat me at Wizards' Chess; I swear he was cheating! The look on the little Greengrass' face when he threw up all over her new designer robes... Ah, that's what makes everything worth it. If only he had thrown up on Granger... My day would have been one of the best of my life.
Speaking of the annoying know it all, she and "The Boy Who Lived to Be a World Class Imbecile" got the bloody Head Positions. It should have been me! I have better grades than him, I have gotten in trouble fewer times than him, I haven't been sent to the Hospital Wing at least twice a bloody year! I deserve that position! Not that stupid, little Scarhead!
Uh oh, Nott seems to have stumbled his sorry little arse over to me. Great. He probably wants to hex my arse off for ruining his date. Like I give a crap. I stand up immediately, and rush out the doors with the grace and finesse only a Malfoy can have. And yes, I also had said things while I shouldered Nott not too lightly as I walked past him. No one cheats when they're playing Wizards' Chess with the likes of me.
I walked ever so mightily into the Library and plopped down at Granger's (unsurprisingly) empty table. The moment she saw me, she started rattling off with that annoying voice of hers.
"Malfoy, what are you doing here? This is my table. There are so many other tables here, why can't you just go to another one? It's not that har –"
Time to insult her. "Granger, shut up. Your voice sounds worse than fifty bloody banshees with bag pipes and sore throats." Her mouth hung open for a few seconds. There; done and done.
"You little prat!" she gasped. Damn, it didn't work. "How dare you come in and sit at my table, just to insult me? What is wrong with you? Wait, I know. You're a –"
At that moment I tuned out. Her words were not very kind or appropriate, and I had no desire to hear her Merlin-awful voice say such vulgar things. They'll only sound worse, you know. Since this attempt at my quest has proven unfruitful, and I had neither the energy nor tolerance for this bookworm, I simply got up and left, leaving her fuming. At least I pissed her off, I thought gleefully as I walked back to the Slytherin Dungeons, wondering how in the world Scarhead and Weasel could stand her annoying voice. Maybe they have selective hearing. I was momentarily jealous, but then I laughed at the thought of then having selective hearing. Maybe that's why they're such idiots. They tune out the teacher every time. Hah.
9. Threaten Her
Another day, another Galleon, or in this case, another try. This sounds like such fun. I get to threaten her, and possibly make her shut up. It is most definitely a win-win situation. What better way than to end a Friday than with threatening Granger, making her shut up, and going off laughing at her pitiful face? Exactly, there is no other way.
She always eats Lunch quickly before going to the Library every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, so I know where to find her. Not like I'm stalking her or something. I have better things to do with my precious time. And, right on schedule, there she goes. I follow her (at a distance, of course) as she walks to the Library. I walk in about a minute after Granger and I sit right beside her, just like the night before.
"Well, if it isn't the talkative know it all," I drawl patronizingly, wearing my famous Malfoy smirk. She looks up from her work and I promptly receive a murderous glare. Wow, my mere presence seems to piss her off. That can certainly be used later on.
"Malfoy, I told you yesterday, leave me alone!" she demanded. I didn't really hear her rattle on; I was busy searching my mind for a good threat. When I finally found one (it must have been a minute of two), the girl was still tittering on and on about personal space and how it's not "politically correct" to stalk and harass people. Does she even know who she is talking to? I'm a Malfoy. I don't need to follow the rules of "political correctness" if I don't feel like it. And I'm not stalking her.
"Granger, if you don't shut up, I'm going to hex your bushy little head 'til you can't read no more," I say sassily. Oh, that's right, Granger. Don't ever try and mess with Draco Malfoy.
She gave a half second of quiet to glare at me, and I almost expected her to give me the finger. "I'm not going to shut up, Malfoy, so you better get used to me talking our soon to be bloody ears off. I will yell at your pathetic head until you get knocked unconci –"
She's not going to shut up? To heck with her, then. I'm leaving. I push her short little head down, causing her to fall back onto her seat and storm out. And before you ask, yes, I stormed out with grace and finesse.
8. Muggle Duct Tape
Out of all the muggle things ever created, I'd have to say this is one of the most useful. If I ever run out of Spellotape, this works nearly just as well. And it sounds funnier. Like duck tape, but it's duct with a t, not duck with a k. Now I wonder how duck tape would look like... Probably something like tape made out of crushed duck bones and intestines, squished into a thin sticky band.
Ew, that's disgusting. Curse me and my magnificently imaginative and descriptive mind. Although it would certainly freak Granger out if I put that over her mouth. I can just picture her screams as she bolts off to the bathroom to retch. And I'm just standing there, laughing and looking incredibly attractive. Picture perfect.
And now I have a roll of duct tape in my bag with me almost everywhere I go, in case I should ever need it. Like this morning, for instance. Pansy was going on and on and ON about her designer robes and her fancy-ass perfume, so I just ripped out my duct tape and slapped it right over that monstrosity she calls a mouth. I sear, her voice is more annoying than Granger's! At least Granger can sound intelligent.
Wait. That isn't right. Granger is not intelligent. She is a stupid smart aleck. Yes, that's more like it.
And this time I don't even have to follow her. She just came into the Library when I happened to be studying, and I just had to get up and slip into the seat beside her. See, Granger? I'm not stalking you. (This is where I'd stick my tongue out at her, but we never really had this conversation. It's just in my mind. And no, not the "in my mind" as in the insane kind, but the "in my mind" like a hypothesis type thing. Malfoy's aren't insane. We are insanely intelligent.)
"Oh, it's you again," she drawled unenthusiastically. "Malfoy, how many times do I have to tell you? Leave. Me. Alo –"
Ah, the wonder that is duct tape. I watched in amusement as Granger's left eye literally twitched. Ah, this is priceless. Now for my favourite part. As she glared at me (silently! I love this.), she ripped off the duct tape from her mouth. I'm pretty sure she was going to yell at me. But she couldn't, of course, because when she ripped the tape off, she shrieked from the stinging sensation that comes when you rip duct tape off your mouth. She even had a red mark over her mouth. Ah, my day has just been made brighter.
As I briefly wished I had a camera, Granger caught me off guard and smacked me right on the face. That little –! I actually can't think of a swear words worthy of her at the moment. I'm too busy storming off down the hall, leaving her pathetic little mouth to curse after me. When I deem myself far enough down the hall, I turn around to see Madam Pince giving her a detention. That'll teach you to use such vulgar words against the likes of this Malfoy.
7. Tell Her That Her Breath Stinks
Ugh, curse you, Blaise. Stupid Zabini. He bet me that I would fail and chicken out of doing whatever he chose for the "lucky" number seven. And he chooses this. That little imbecile. I can't believe he even shoes the word "stinks". That word is so unsophisticated. But I will finish this, and he will not get those twenty bloody galleons. Maybe twenty bruises to the head... Yes, that sounds wonderful. (It's times like these that I wish I had an evil laugh. But then again, evil laughs are rather cliché.) So, I shall do this, but I don't think it really deserves any of my energy or effort. Take that, Zabini. I get to move on to the next bloody thing, and you owe me two galleons. I win.
But the point is, Zabini is really irritaiting me right now. That stupid little idiot.
And I don't feel like going to the Library this time, because this task is simply just a waste of my precious time. I could be tormenting Scarhead and Weasel right now. Yes, I have even more insults for them formulated in my devious Slytherin mind than for Granger. I love imagining that I am using the insults on the two and watch as the imaginary idiots cry and run off. Ah, it's like my sadistic little fantasy bliss.
As I picture them crying and running off like sissy's in my head, someone crashes into me. People should really watch their steps. After all, I am a Malfoy, and we deserve to be noticed. And just my (un)luck, it's Hermione "I am I know it all and must talk the crap out of you with my never ending smartitude" Granger. And yes, smartitude is a word because I bloody well say so.
"Malfoy, this is the fourth time in just as many days! I know you're stalking me! You better stop it now, or I will tell a teacher." She turned her nose up at me, daring me to argue. Oh, it's on, you little Gryffindork.
"Granger, you should really refrain from opening your mouth. The most foul stench seems to hit me when it's open and breathing. Have you ever heard of a mint?" I ask condescendingly. I smirk at her murderous glare. Maybe she'll finally shut up and learn to keep her mouth shut!
"For your information, Malfoy," she literally growled. Anger issues much? "I just had some gum. Maybe the disgusting stench is you. I'm sure your ego is big enough to hold a family of rats, so why don't you go deflate it?" Oh, she did not just go there.
"You did not just say that, Granger."
"I'm afraid I just did," she replied, mocking my condescending tone. I hope I didn't just twitch.
"You suck," I spit childishly. That's a real conversation stopper; I've used it many a time. No really, I was bored of talking to the older Greengrass, so I just blurted it out and she instantly shut up before stomping away. Like a charm.
"You do too, glad we got that cleared up," she replied before leaving me standing in the middle of an empty corridor, slightly offended and slightly amazed by her gall.
I blame Blaise for all of this.
6. Tell Her a Random Lie
That stupid, little, muggle born, know it all. I will show her! No one insults Draco Lucius (still hate my middle name) Malfoy and gets away with it! Oh wait... She just did. Darn. I will show her... And what better way to mess with her than to tell her trash about her friends? Let's see. Old Scarhead or the Weasel? Or even Long-butt and the Weaselette... She has so many friends, this will be easy.
Eenie meenie miney... WEASEL! Now for some ridiculous, mind blowing, Granger shut up-ing lie... Wait, I'm Draco Malfoy; I have MILLIONS of lies at hand. That was too easy.
And so here I am, sitting in the Library (at Granger's favourite seat, but who cares?) and doing my homework, not doing anything evil at all. Well, I might be thinking very evil things, but that is for another time and another way of torture.
I was just being an innocent(ish) student, and then all of a sudden, Merlin decided to punish me. Granger just storms up to me, red in the face, and starts yelling (quietly. Mind you, this is a library.) at me! What have I ever done wrong?
You know what, don't answer that. I haven't done anything wrong that day. So that's pretty good for me. So she's yelling at me with her loud annoying voice now. UGH.
"Draco FREAKING Malfoy! Get out of my seat. This is my seat, and I demand that you give it back to me! Don't you even try and freaking insult me, just get your sorry little arse out of this chair!"
Her voice makes me want to slit my throat and Crucio myself until I am fully dead. "Granger," I call. "Granger, shut up. I'm not going to give you your seat back," I say as soon as she quiets herself for a brief moment.
She opens her mouth to argue, but I start talking again before she can utter a sound. "I'm not going to let you sit here, because... because I saw your precious Weasel playing tonsil Quidditch with Pansy right in the corridor that leads into the Great Hall! You should really go and stop them, since you are a Prefect. After all, you know public displays of affection are wrong."
"You ungrateful, little," and pause here, for I do not wish to register the string of bad words that she had called me. After a few seconds, I tune back in. I wish I had selective hearing all the time, so I could ignore Granger, but it only comes when she is swearing like a horse. Shame.
"Why didn't you tell me earlier? I could have stopped them, and they would have gotten fewer points taken off for us, but NO. You just had to go and annoy me. ARGH!" With that last comment (animalistic sound is more like it), she stormed off to the Great Hall.
That is my cue to run to the Slytherin Common Rooms and hide, because when she finds out I was lying, I am dead. And despite all of my please to die earlier, I actually don't wish to perish at such a young age.
This is seriously not to be taken seriously. The next part will probably be coming out in a few weeks, a month at the most. I just had to get this out.