Insertion A Buffy/AU Crossover
Setting: Buffy: After Season 7
Summary: Two writers sit down to write a Buffy self-insertion at the same time...
Chapter 1 - Once Upon a Midnight Dreary
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy. The characters and worlds of Buffy are the property of their respective owners. Original characters are property of me, not that I much care.
Author's Note: This is based on an idea by Carrotglace - his story "Insertion" is well worth a read.
Second Author's Note: I haven't abandoned Selective Memory! I haven't had much time to write in the last few weeks, but I will be putting an update up soon, as soon as I am finished rewriting it for the umpteenth time because I'm not satisfied with how it turned out.
In the meantime, here's a dribble that wouldn't leave me alone.
When a writer begins to put down a story, onto paper, into text, something magical happens. Image magic is one of the most potent kinds, and symbols carry great mystical significance. Through long use, belief, and repetition, people have empowered words into some of the most powerful of mystic symbols. When a person writes, takes their thoughts and ideas and gives them form, they imbue those words with that part of themselves. A part of their soul is needed to give the words life. Sometimes, if enough of one's soul is dedicated to it, this causes a new universe to be born. This is the way of things.
But what happens when two writers begin writing the same thing, exactly at the same time, both souls empowering the creation of the same new universe?
Simple. Hilarity ensues.
"Xander Harris stalked over the plains. Since coming to Africa, he had developed an unnatural, or perhaps very natural, grace..."
Two fanfiction writers, by some twist of fate, began to type as one. The same sentence, the same idea, the same beginning. In perfect tandem they typed, punching the keys with a smooth evenness one couldn't split with the most sensitive of atomic clocks.
As they did so, in some far-off universe, the Big Bang occurred. Billions of years blossomed forth in a massive explosion of creativity, which bloomed into life. Within a few seconds, the universe was much like our own. Or rather, much like the universe of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
To the writers, nothing existed but this new world they had spawned. In fact, the world itself didn't exist yet to them except in vague outline, only the tiny portion of the universe they had been writing about in perfect focus in their single minded desire to capture the essence of one Alexander Lavelle Harris.
In fact, both writers were writing what many in the Buffy-fanfiction realms called a Xander-sue; the insertion of themselves into that same Alexander Harris.
The Powers That Be in this new universe, newly formed, are not without a sense of irony. So when the two tiny fragments of the souls of those writers collided inside Xander's own soul, something else happened.
Xander suddenly stopped his stalking. Something didn't feel right. Quickly, he checked over his body, moving bits to make sure they were in working order. His arms, legs, fingers and toes, neck, eyes, lips, nose, ears, all where they should be and working fine. But his head felt.. stuffy. The Alpha inside him growled, That was never good. The last time she had done that was that Halloween, years ago, when Soldier Boy had taken some of her territory.
Xander was not the smartest of the Scoobies by a long shot; Willow, Dawn, both far outstripped him. Even Buffy when she applied herself. One thing he was though, was sensible. He knew that this meant Bad Juju, but it was just a vague feeling right now. He continued walking, reaching his campsite. He didn't want to be out after night here. There weren't many vampires here in this desolate place, seeing as their major food source wasn't exactly abundant, but there was plenty of wildlife which came out after dark.
A few minutes later, as the calm settled over him, he sunk into sleep and found himself standing in the plains of his dreams. Soldier Boy was lazing against the lone tree in this mindscape, and Alpha was growling at two guys who looked VERY out of place for the sub-Saharan veldt..
"Alpha, down girl," Xander said. "Not to be rude, but... who the hell are you guys?"
The one on the left was staring nervously down at Alpha. At about five foot ten and rail thin, the Asian boy smiled slightly shyly.
The other one rolled his eyes. This one was six feet tall and slightly heavyset, he had thin titanium-wire-framed glasses and managed to look only slightly nerdy in his khakis and plain-ish blue t-shirt with a Quicksilver logo on it.
The Asian boy continued. "I'm Stu." He held out his hand for Xander to shake, but the taller boy didn't even look at his hand. He returned his attention to the blond guy.
"Such a wealth of information!" Xander glibbed. "And you?"
"I'm Dai. It's an honor to meet you, Alexander Harris. May I call you Xander?"
Xander's eyes narrowed. "How do you two know how I am, who are you working for, and why are you invading my mind?" he asked, Alpha's growling getting slightly more intense along with Xander's anger. Soldier Boy, seeing that there could be some escalation, grabbed his M-16 and walked over to stand behind Xander.
"OK," Dai said. "I'm not really sure how I got here... and I don't know him," he pointed his thumb toward Stu. "Last thing I remember, I was sitting down, at my computer, writing a story, and..."
"That's the last thing I remember!" Stu said excitedly.
"A story?" Xander asked doubtfully. "About what?"
"Well, duh, about you," Dai said. "Why else would we be in your head?"
"Ex-squeeze me?" Xander exclaimed. "Why would you want to write a story about me?"
"You're the coolest!" Stu said.
Xander didn't look taken aback at all by that. "Well, duh... just... how do you guys even know who I am?"
"Well, in my universe, you're in a TV show," Dai said. "And some comic books,"
Xander looked absolutely filled with pride that there were comic books about him. "About me?"
"Well, about Buffy and her friends and the trials and tribulations of Slayage," Stu said, "But you're in it, and you're the coolest!"
Dai sighed. "I sincerely hope I can find a way out of here. Or at least kick him out," he said to Xander while eying up the over-excited Asian boy.
Xander looked at SB. "I've never gotten a name out of you before... are you leftovers from a real person, or just a construct of soldier-training?"
"Sir, I do not have a name, sir."
Dai looked over the soldier and looked at the stripes on his sleeve. "You could call him Sarge," he said. "You know, he's a Sergeant Major. That's pretty awesome for a non-com. The insignia says Special Forces, too."
Xander squinted at Dai for a moment, then turned back and gave Soldier Boy the once-over. "Sarge it is."
"So, how do we get out of here?" Dai pondered out loud.
Stu looked at him like he was a retard. "Dude, we're in Xander's head! Why would you ever want to leave?"
Dai sighed. "Well, partially because Xander does really dangerous stuff, and I don't want to die."
Xander nodded at this. "I do what I do because I need to protect my friends. You guys... don't. I wouldn't wish this on anybody."
Stu's enthusiasm, however, could not be curbed.
"I just want you to know, Xander, I have a lot of respect for you, and wish you all the best in what you do..." Dai held out his hand to shake Xander's.
"Thanks," Xander said, reaching out to shake Dai's.
When they touched, a funny thing happened. There was a very brief flash of light, and then Dai disappeared.
"Weird," Xander said. "Where'd he go?"
"What do you mean?" Xander said. "I'm right here."
"Great," Xander said. "Now I'm being possessed by my possessions."
"I don't think that's what's happening," Xander said.
Lou, Stu, and even Alpha's faces were dumbstruck by the conversation Xander seemed to be having with himself, speaking back and forth as though they were different people.
It was Alpha, protective as she was of Xander, who put a stop to it.
With no warning at all, Alpha leaped and tackled Xander. They were all a bit stunned when she went right through him. Landing on the ground behind him, her paws were holding down the shoulders of Dai, who wasn't exactly pleased at the prospect of having his soul eaten by a leftover hyena spirit.
"OK, touchy touchy is a no-no," Dai grumbled. Alpha grinned widely at him and laughed, the let him up.
"So, if you and I merge when we touch here," Dai asked, "did we share anything? Could you like, feel my memories, and stuff?"
"I don't know," Xander said. "It was just really freaky."
Stu was still looking awestruck, and reached out his finger tentatively to touch Xander. Dai shouted, "No touchy touchy!" Reaching out to grab his outstretched finger, Stu disappeared. "Eww," Dai said. "I don't want to merge with you, I want to merge with Xander!"
Dai laughed. "Dude, do you even know how gay that sounded?"
Alpha repeated her performance from earlier, this time landing on Stu.
"Thanks, Alpha," Dai said. He shivered. "I can't believe I had him inside my skin."
"Dude, I don't think you even have skin," Xander said. "We're all in my head so the only skin is mine."
"Fair enough. Hey, hadn't you better get moving?" Dai replied, "Aren't you on the way back to the airport to begin the trek back to England?"
Xander nodded. "I guess so."
As the sun crept up over the Serengeti, Xander woke, and broke camp. He set the signal fire for the bushplane that he knew was going to fly over to pick him up at some point today, and settled in to wait. He made himself some coffee.
Mmm, coffee, he said to himself in a thought-voice vaguely reminiscent of Homer Simpson's. Only problem was, Xander didn't believe he had thought that.
"What the..." Xander cursed out loud. "Are you guys in my head when I'm awake now?"
I think so, Dai's voice said in his head. Although, I think Stu's still asleep. I'm an early riser, like you. At least, when you don't have to be out Slaying all night the night before.
Xander nodded, even though there was nobody to see him do so, Dai still knew he had.
Xander then started doing his morning exercises... good old Army calisthenics.
Whoa, Dai thought.
Xander stopped halfway through his set of crunches and said, "What?"
When you do the army stuff, Sarge merges with you the way I did last night. Did you know that?
"No, I didn't. But now that I think about it, I can remember all the training I had... Krav Maga, the Farsi language, the... and now it's gone."
For indeed, inside his head, Sarge had come out of the merge.
How does he come out of the merge without Alpha taking him out?
Xander shrugged. "How should I know?"
You know, I'm pretty sure if you just think, I can hear you. Otherwise people are going to start giving you funny looks if you keep talking to yourself out loud all the time, Xander.
Xander shrugged again, Dai mentally shrugged as well, and Xander merged with Sarge again as he finished up his morning workout. He was contemplating making himself lunch when the bush plane finally appeared. He watched it with some trepidation as it landed. He and Dai were both worried about what Willow was going to do to the new occupants in his head.
They were already on the plane flying towards Nairobi airport when Xander heard, or maybe felt, Stu wake up. Unfortunately, it seemed that Stu was just as hyperactive in the morning as he was in the evening. Maybe that was how he got so skinny. Xander felt like the kid, although shy and quiet, was constantly bouncing off the walls of his mind, if his mind even had walls. It was starting to give him a headache, until Alpha pinned him to the floor and sat there grinning a wide hyena grin.
"Man, I forgot how uncomfortable these seats were," Xander said as he woke up. The flight from Nairobi to Johannesburg had been much more comfortable; but the eleven-some-odd-hour flight from Johannesburg crammed into a 747 with as many other people as possible like sardines, that was torture.
I couldn't agree more, Dai said. I'm in your head, I don't have a body, why do I feel your cramps? he asked grumpily.
You have my body, I guess, Xander thought back.
Fair enough. Can you stretch it out a bit? Dai asked.
Not really enough room, Xander said.
Quit complaining! Stu said, waking up. Wow, I feel stiff, he continued. Why do I feel stiff?
We can apparently feel Xander's body, Dai replied.
"This cramp in my leg's killing me," Xander said out loud.
I can fix this, Stu said. Without a further word, Stu merged with Xander. Or maybe displaced him, as Xander appeared in the mind next to Dai when Stu disappeared. Stu went through a series of tai-chi movements designed to stimulate circulation and stretch tired muscles in confined spaces. He alternated pulling his knees up, pointing his toes down then up, moving his arms in circles over his lap, turning his palms first in, then out. He rotated his neck first one way, then the other, then moved it in a circle. When he was done, he appeared again in their mindspace. To all outside appearances, Xander nodded off to sleep.
In the mindscape, however, Xander was confused.
Confused, and pissed.
When Stu reappeared a few minutes later, Xander threw a punch at him, which Stu neatly deflected.
Dai was surprised. He recognized the movements. "Stu, you know Kung Fu?"
Stu nodded. "Several styles. Also Tai Chi, and Kenpo, Aikido... Oh, and Jeet Kun Do, though that isn't so much a fighting form as a philosophy."
Xander was flabbergasted.
"How... how good are you?" he skeptically asked the skinny Asian boy.
"Well, I've been studying one style or another since I was three. In most things, you'd consider me a black-belt, or Si-Fu level. I could probably attain Si-Gung, Master level, in a couple styles I know.. but I haven't bothered. Usually once I get my black belt I get bored and move on to another style."
Xander and Dai were both standing there with their jaws hanging open.
"Since you were three?" Dai asked.
Stu nodded. "My father's a teacher," he explained. "It's some kind of family tradition or something. He was really upset when I told him I wanted to go to college for computer science."
"So that tai chi thing you did to loosen my cramps," Xander said. "That comes from your freakishly extensive personal knowledge of martial arts?"
Stu once again nodded.
"And, you can take over my body whenever you want to?"
"Apparently," Stu said.
"Like, in a fight?"
Stu shrugged. "I guess so," he answered.
"Buffy would totally freak out if I pulled out some crazy Kung Fu next time we get in a fight. Can you teach me?"
"Sure!" Stu brightened. "I might not be here forever to bail you out, I can teach you. And I wouldn't mind impressing Buffy... she's totally hot."
Xander rolled his eyes, but expressed his thanks, anyway.
Dai smiled. "I totally want in on this."
Xander's grin started to spread wider.
"Oh, Xander... you should get back in the body. The plane's landing."
"How do you know what's happening when you're stuck here in dreamland?" Xander asked.
"Senses."
"What, you're psychic?"
"No, just... if I think about it, I can feel the body's senses. Existing here... it's kinda like the trance state I aim for when I'm swordfighting."
Xander and Stu looked at Dai now.
"What?" he asked.
"You swordfight?"
"Yeah... Kenjutsu. Got into it in high school when my dad was stationed in Japan. I loved it, got really good at it, and just haven't given it up since."
"You're a military brat?" Xander queried.
"Affirmative," Dai said, with a smiling glance toward Sarge, whose normally stony look softened a little.
"Cool," Xander said. He had merged with Sarge often enough to feel some kinship from this fact.
"Body." Dai said.
"Right," Xander said.
Nobody moved.
"How do I get back to the body?" Xander asked.
Stu aimed a fast kick at Xander's head. Xander reflexively threw up his hands in defense, and the wish to retreat was enough to make him disappear.
"That was cruel," Dai said. "You could have just explained."
Stu shrugged. "Easier to show."
Xander walked out of baggage claim at Heathrow, and found Buffy and Dawn waiting for him. Dawn spotted him first, and he was alerted by a high shriek just before he was hit with a soft, slender flying missile who was moving so fast her hair whipped around and hit him in the face when she collided to a stop with her arms thrown around him. He didn't fall down. Somehow.
"Heya, Dawn Patrol," he greeted, flashing her a patented Xander special lopsided grin. "How was Rome?"
"Buffy got pregnant by a dragon, and I found out that the green energy I'm made of let's me transform into the She-Hulk when I get mad."
Xander's eyes ballooned. He looked at Buffy for confirmation, but she shook her head no. Dawn was kidding. "Well, then I want to make you angry," he joked. "I'd like you when you're angry."
She smiled slightly. "Well, yeah, but you'd never be able to look me in the eye again," she said, flirting as she kidded.
Xander was taken aback. That kind of flirting sounded weird coming out of her mouth.
Wow, Dai said. Dawn grew up well,
Now that's just uncalled for, Xander scolded. It's Dawn, for crying out loud!
She's still hot, Dai insisted.
Xander looked the girl up and down, and was forced to agree. Fair enough, he thought.
"Hey, Buff!" He said, putting out an arm for his friend to step into the hug.
She jumped right in. "Missed you, Xander"
Stu had sprung a metaphysical nosebleed. Apparently, he had a major jones on for the pretty blonde Slayer.
The rest of the day passed pretty quickly. Despite sleeping most of the plane trip, Xander was beat, and fell asleep as soon as he dropped his stuff in his room. Dawn and Buffy sighed at his dramatic gesture, got his shoes off, and threw a blanket over him before leaving him to rest.
Things were hopping in the mindscape, however. Stu had decided to teach them Aikido first, since it emphasized techniques that allowed the defender to defend against an attacker regardless of their relative physical strength.
They made a discovery that evening. Martial Arts training was much accelerated in a merge - Stu could merge with Xander, and do the moves with Xander at the same time.
Afterward, Xander could remember how it felt to do the moves, and replicate them perfectly. Although the memories faded fairly quickly when the merge was broken, repeating the moves over and over himself he began to get a feel for them.
That's not to say Xander became an expert in Aikido in one night.
That would be ridiculous!
It took three.