Too Much of a Man
I'm not dead yet. He is gone but I'm not dead yet. I can hear you, searching through the rubble for me. I'm here, waiting. Here I am. Over here.
You fall down beside me. I can't open my eyes, I'm too tired. I hear your gruff words, feel your chakra spike. Don't try to save me. Please don't. You'll be wasting your chakra. Nothing can save me now even if I wanted to be saved.
You made me promise not to do anything that might end with my death. You took battles you shouldn't have taken just to keep me safe. When we met, we were both used to being alone. I gave you companionship. You became addicted to that feeling. You can't let me go.
It's an amazing feeling isn't it? Being loved? Of course, I never told you but I could see that you knew. Companionship, camaraderie, compassion: these were the things I gave you albeit unwillingly. I was tired of being alone too. You knew that. You knew that when you put your arm around me even after I threatened to kill you if you touched me again. You knew I wouldn't follow through. You smelled like the ocean. I wasn't surprised.
Wait, what's that smell? Salty and yet…are you crying? Your black eyes are not supposed to cry. Oh Kami, please don't. You aren't supposed to love me. You aren't supposed to care this much. Please stop. Please…please…I feel your weight crushing my chest. Why am I not dead yet? Please stop.
My heart won't stop beating. Is it your will for me to live keeping it going? It surely isn't mine. I know I was being selfish today. I've wanted to die for so long but you wouldn't let me. You were being selfish too. You'd found me and you didn't want to let go. Why did we do this again? We could've been alone and lived together with no purpose in life except to be companions. Why did we choose this path?
Get out. Get out of this life. Do it now. He's no longer here. It's just you and me and I won't tell a soul. Leave. Run. Run as fast as you can as far as you can. Take me with you. Carry me like you carry that sword and I won't complain. Jostle me all you want. I won't say a word. Please.
This life isn't for you. You followed me blindly, me, a child who wanted nothing more than to die and I've led you into a disaster you can't escape now.
Oh, I remember how you looked that night, in the rain, all alone, facing hundreds of shinobi from your former village. You were silent, facing death. You were then as I was a few hours ago. Tired, lonely, and afraid to admit it, so tired we are of taking care of someone else, living for someone else, but we don't know how to do without anymore.
When did the line between us blur? You are more my brother than he ever was. I feel you as I feel myself, the heartache, the pain, the exhaustion…somehow we became one person.
I feel your strong arms encircle my body. You hear the heart that won't stop beating. I realize that it's not only your will but mine as well that makes it beat. I've been selfish these past few years. I don't want to be selfish anymore. You can be selfish now.
You lift me and start walking away. You do not head towards them, you head away. Did you hear me? Are you leaving them behind? Yes, thank you, Kami. Let us go. Let us be free. Let us be together alone.
I could live this life alone but with you, I'd rather be with you.
You could not live this life because I, and only I, know that you, my friend, are too much of a man and not enough of a monster.
Carry me, Kisame. Carry me.