Title: Tony Stark is Not a Relationship Expert (But He is Still Doing Better than Phil Coulson)
Series: In A World Like This
Summary: Tony Stark has never excelled at interpersonal relationships of any type, but there are others who are even worse at this than him, like that idiot who forgot to mention that he wasn't dead any more. This is the story of what Tony was doing while everybody else was handling the SHIELD "situation" and how he found out Agent Agent was alive.
This is the companion piece to Complicated Love Stories from the District of Insanity, but it can be read as a standalone story. Because I got so many nice reviews and kudos, I decided to do more in this universe. This was originally going to be a one-shot, but it just got too long and I had a little too much fun writing Coulson & Tony banter. At a minimum, this will be 3 to 4 chapters.
The story is cannon compliant for the MCU up to episode 22 of AOS, but will divert from there. (In other words, this story will probably be AU as soon as the new season of AOS starts.) That being said, this contains spoilers for everything before then including Winter Soldier.
Relationships: Tony/Steve, May/Coulson, Tony & Coulson, Tony & May, Steve/May (their relationship is mostly platonic in this story, but they slept together previously) and various background relationships past and present, including Tony/Pepper that is readjusting to becoming Tony & Pepper once more and FitzSimmons. I do love that complicated relationship, but they need their own story.
Rated M for language, Tony being Tony, sexual content, and violence.
Other warnings: This story is written by a dyslexic person using voice recognition software. Prone to crazy voice recognition errors and changing tenses without even realizing it. My beta tries her best, so proceed with compassion.
Proofread by Grayson Steele
Part 1: The Day Everything Blew Up.
"I'm the first one to acknowledge that I've made a lot of mistakes; the rubble that is my former Malibu house is testament to that." Tony said as he poured himself a drink from the bar. "There are a number of people who want my head on a platter including my own Board of Directors. It's a small miracle I survived the 90s without an STI, legitimate paternity suit, or overdose."
"No, just palladium poisoning a decade later," the formally dead man in front of him sniped.
"Laugh it up, Director Agent. Look, I'm trying to explain the story of how The Calvary managed to save my ass after my latest complete and utter fuck up. The color commentary is unnecessary." Tony snapped.
"Whatever you do, do not call her that. She literally nailed her ex-whatever to the ground before fracturing his larynx. He still can't talk very well which is making interrogation slow." The guy in the suit warned.
"According to my new head of international security, he was Hydra." Ninja neighbor told Steve all about it during one of their epic email exchanges before Tony arranged this little trip. The Director just shrugged before taking a sip of his own drink.
"He was a lost kid who was following the wrong guy for what he thought was the right reasons. A guy who he thought rescued him from hell, only to put him in a new one. Unfortunately, that unwarranted loyalty led to Grant betraying the first group of people who actually saw him as something other than a tool."
"Now, I know why you were chosen to take over this gig." Tony said taking another slow drink. Steve would get mad if he got drunk.
"I hope Agent Scary doesn't speak to Pepper anytime soon. If I do one more stupid thing, Pepper will probably attach my balls to the nearest wall, even without any encouragement. Personally, I'm surprised that she didn't toss Steve's I'm-sorry-I'm-fucking-your-ex flowers at his head."
There was a business dinner last week that went probably as well as could be expected considering the circumstances. And yes, Steve did bring her flowers.
"What stupid thing did you do recently that could possibly lead to your ex-girlfriend nailing you to the wall by the genitals? And how does it relate to Steve at all?" The man asked.
"He's my boyfriend." That caused Director Agent to choke on the very expensive bourbon that Tony had bought for this particular conversation.
"How did that happen?" At least, the man formally known as Agent Agent did not say any variation of 'but I thought he was straight'. Even without the tabloids covering his every single move, nobody has any trouble believing that Tony is an equal opportunist, but apparently Steve is the paragon of straightness. Then again, the guy in front of Tony was essentially unflappable and according to rumor slept with Hawkeye at some point.
"How did that happen?" Coulson repeated.
"That's what I'm trying to tell you. So after your death that was greatly exaggerated for the sake of…" Tony began, but was cut off.
"It was not exaggerated." Director Agent argued. "I died. I was dead for days and then was in the shield equivalent to ICU for a month." Tony is positive ICU is code for something too classified for the files that Natasha dumped on the web along with the fact that the Nikki's handpicked replacement managed to survive getting stabbed in the back by Loki. Although, it seems like "survive" was the wrong word.
"I had 8 surgeries and everybody around me worried I was going to go off the deep end, which is apparently the real reason why I was ordered not to tell any of my friends that I was no longer dead." Coulson told him angrily.
"We are so having a long, possibly loud conversation about that later, but not now." Tony knew that one of them would just end up walking away if that conversation happened now and Tony needed to keep Director Agent occupied.
"So after your 'temporary death' and my almost death because that complete dick Pierce was looking for any excuse to nuke Manhattan, Pepper and I decided to make it official."
"The press release said that you 2 just broke off your three-year relationship not filed for divorce." Even while hiding from Generals, the guy was keeping up with tabloid reports about his love life. It's almost enough to make Tony happy that he and Steve are keeping things quiet for a while.
"We never did have the lawyers put together the pre-nup." Tony said with a sad smile as he finished his drink.
"We weren't ready for a step that permanent and in light of what happened that was the right decision. Maybe that should've been the first sign that neither of us was expecting forever. I don't know, but for a while there things were good." Director Agent just gave him the look. Okay, maybe he was still keeping an eye on him, even though he was tucked away on his own plane doing the shield equivalent to busywork.
"Okay. Things were not that good. I may have been having my own near after life crisis, there were also panic attacks and additional multiple near-death experiences triggered by terrorists. Also, in hindsight that asshole Pierce managed to make sure Steve was doing black ops missions in the middle of nowhere when shit went down. But I'm not telling that story again because the last time I did it, Bruce fell asleep."
"I'm not sure how that's even possible when you're speaking." Director Agent just shook his head.
"I don't know either. I'm very entertaining." Coulson rolled his eyes. "It doesn't matter because most of it is on the Internet now. So you're aware, I had the arc reactor removed and I decided to hang up the armor or rather blow up the armor." He continued to explain.
"Which apparently did not take given that you landed in the middle of my secret base 45 minutes ago. Do I even want to know why this base is equipped to handle said armor?" The man questioned.
"Hey, you called me." It's probably best that the new director doesn't know Tony designed this place personally. It may have happened during one of his post New York bouts of paranoia.
"I had no idea your number would be the second one in the toolbox." Coulson argued.
"You're trying to rebuild a covert agency to protect people without the government corruption that crippled the original organization. Of course, my private cell phone number is going to be the second thing on the list. Besides, Nikki has a thing for playing matchmaker. He's the whole reason why the undercover agent formally known as May Phillips worked so hard to make me and Steve play nice. Now he's trying to do the same with us."
"You're not my type." Coulson said without missing a beat.
"No, you prefer beautiful warrior women, who could rip your head off with their bare hands," Tony quipped. To Tony's amusement and surprise, the director twitched just a little. Okay, Hill's stories about the legendary "Really, we're just friends" duo were true, even if Director Agent couldn't remember everything.
"As glad as I am that you're not dead, I already have a boyfriend. I mean, we could probably try talking him into a four-way as a thank-alien-super-drugs-that-you're-not-dead present, but I'm not sure he would go for that. Although, you do both have a birthday coming up next month and mine was just last week." By that point, Director Agent had his head in his hands.
"Stark, why are you here? I don't even know why I missed you so much." Tony smirked at that.
"I missed you too. We're trying to catch up with me telling you the story how your beautiful warrior managed to set me up with your boyhood hero after I completely fucked up two of the most important relationships in my life."
"She's not my beautiful warrior. She doesn't see me that way." The director said a little bit too quickly. Tony smirked. It looks like he was going to be able to pay Scary Spy back after all.
"Oh yes, she is. Probably more so than the Portland cellist because Agent May actually knows you. I am even halfway convinced that she slept with Capsicle just because he was on your bucket list." Director Agent was practically spluttering at that. He was either angry or Tony provided him with masturbatory material for the next month.
"Don't be that upset about it. Think of it as a weird tribute to you. Apparently, she agreed to the undercover babysitting assignment because Nikki told her it was your last wish for her to help acclimate the Captain to this brave new fucked up world. You have a lot of last wishes." He joked.
"That's not possible. She hates undercover work." Tony smirked again at that. "Nick Fury is a fucking liar."
"You won't get any argument there. Also, you would be amazed what someone will do for the person that they are actually in love with." Director Agent didn't have a comeback for that. His mouth just fell open for a couple of seconds.
"She did her job and got Steve to do something other than beat the hell out of a punching bag. She also got us to make nice after I was a complete dick, more than once." Tony explained.
"That part I believe." The director interrupted and Tony rolled his eyes again.
"As I was discovering that Steve was kind of cool to hang around with, Pepper and I were starting to fall apart. I was starting to resent her for not understanding what I needed and she resented me for not giving her what she needed. We didn't trust each other enough to talk about these things. Also, apparently retirement doesn't work for someone like me."
"As evidenced by the fact that you came here in the suit. I like the upgrades, by the way." Director Agent quipped but Tony ignored him.
"The whole thing made me restless. I was taking more meetings in DC to spend time with Steve and Pepper was anywhere but New York a good 90% of the time. I was also trying to live vicariously through recounts of Steve's various missions, but it wasn't enough. Then, Pepper discovered that I was tinkering with the armor again." It was more like she'd found him during one of his four-day design binges, but Coulson didn't need to know that.
"She wasn't happy and suggested I spend the weekend where I really wanted to be and to figure out what it was I wanted. The answer turned out to be with Steve in his Georgetown apartment. I was mad. There was alcohol involved and I slept with Steve. He ran away. I was having Jarvis send Pepper designer shoe apology baskets and not explaining why as I avoided her by any means possible, then SHIELD blew up."
6 weeks earlier
Tony doesn't exactly remember how long he's been in his private workshop in the tower. There may have been an overseas business meeting or two since the Steve incident, but Tony really doesn't remember. He left DC six days ago after Steve never returned to his apartment with coffee or anything else for that matter. He's pretty much lost all sense of time since ordering JARVIS to send Pepper 'I screwed up' basket number eight and has been hiding in his workshop. (Steve almost got a coffee basket, but he decided not to send it at the last minute.)
The only reason why Tony wasn't upset about not hearing from Steve since the incident was that Steve had been sent on some top-secret mission that Tony has yet to find any information for other than the fact it happened. He's hoping that the fact that Steve has yet to call him after what they did Sunday was due to another full communications blackout rather than he never wanted to see Tony again because he completely fucked everything up. (He also really hopes the reason why Steve has yet to contact him was not that the mission had gone so badly that Steve was in a cave somewhere being… Tony shut down that train of thought. He didn't want to think about that possibility.)
Tony is well aware he completely fucked everything up. He's just not sure if he's completely wrecked his relationship with Pepper and Steve or just his relationship with Pepper. He wasn't even that drunk. He drank 2 shots and fed the rest to Steve without the man realizing otherwise. He only pretended to be drunk because in his own experience people tend to let him get away with inappropriate behavior if they assume he's only doing it because he's inebriated.
Of course, the fact that he was mostly sober means that there is no excuse for cheating on Pepper. Their relationship was already falling to pieces. They were fighting daily about every little thing, but mostly the new armor. There was also a lot of fighting about Steve, which, considering what happened now makes sense. Pepper felt his willingness to take almost any meeting in DC was an obvious sign that he rather spend time with Steve then her. It would've been so much easier if he could tell her about the design work he was doing for Shield, but he couldn't. There were so many parts of his life that he couldn't talk to her about due to her lack of security clearance or just because he wasn't ready to talk about it.
Last Friday things came to their breaking point. She told him to go see Steve and figure out who he really wanted and not to come back until he knew the answer.
Tony had known the answer before he'd left. This wasn't working. He loved Pepper and he was trying, but at the same time he was beginning to resent her and that wasn't fair. He could run the numbers in his head 1000 times, but there was no simple equation to make this work, to fix it.
When Steve came along, he started to wonder if he wanted to fix things. He bagan to contemplate what fixing things actually meant. Did he want to fix their romantic relationship or did Tony want things to be the way they were before? He misses his friend Pepper more than his girlfriend Pepper. He missed talking to her the way they used to before the resentment, the panic attacks and the sex complicated everything.
He's not sure it's possible to go back to that, especially after last Sunday. Tony is fairly certain he burned that bridge down to the ground. Burning bridges is what he's best at after all. He just wonders if he burnt his bridge to Steve as well. He didn't know and the bastard had yet to call.
In all fairness, Tony hadn't tried to call Steve either, but Steve did leave Tony to wake up alone in his apartment and deal with the plant next door, who pretty much hated Tony and the feeling was mutual. Her job was to keep Steve safe not to act like a schoolgirl with a crush around him.
It seemed obvious to him that "Nurse Kate" was a Shield agent at least more so than the previous occupant, "May Phillips". A GS 13 State Department employee can afford a one-bedroom apartment in Georgetown, especially if her last tour was in a place where she didn't have to spend a lot and had a decent savings. The only reason why Tony knew "May Phillips" was actually a Shield agent was because he remembered her losing it at Agent Agent's funeral.
However, Nurse Kate couldn't afford that apartment unless mommy or daddy or more likely "Uncle Nikki" was picking up the tab. The fact that Natasha keeps going on about her virtues in an effort to set her up with Steve makes it even more obvious. If Steve chose undercover Barbie over…
Tony's internal monologue was interrupted by Jarvis letting him know that somebody was trying to break into his personal space. The only person allowed in his private workshop right now was Bruce. Not even his new assistant, Candy had access (that's not her real name but she usually tries to bribe him with chocolate to do anything).
However, it can't be Bruce because he is currently in Afghanistan handing out polio vaccinations, he thinks. It's a Maria Stark Foundation initiative. He really wishes Bruce was here right now, even if the man would fall asleep in the middle of the story, again. He needs a friend to talk to about his complete fuck up and Rhodey would instantly take Pepper side.
He moved toward the lab's access door and came face-to-face with an angry Pepper, who just happened to be holding a suitcase.
Shit!
She must know without him saying anything because Pepper knows everything. This was not good, but he deserved it.
"I gave you that override code for emergencies and…"
"Steve is missing." Pepper interrupted.
"That qualifies." Tony said as all the color drained from his face. "What do you mean he's missing? JARVIS, why didn't you say anything?" He asked the AI.
"I have tried to alert you of the situation for the last 75.6 minutes. However, all attempts have been futile." The AI actually sounded annoyed. Tony remembers muting Jarvis or increasing the volume of whatever he's been playing to drown out the voice of his AI. He's been in a mood.
"Steve being in danger overrides all other commands." As soon as he says this, Pepper gives him a sad little look. "I should have known something was wrong when he hadn't contacted me for the last 6 days. Who knows what type a suicide mission Nikki sent him on? I'm going to kill Nick Fury."
"Sir, I believe it is too late for that." That's when his AI bombards him with reports of Nick Fury's assassination at the hands of the World Security Council (Tony did not find that surprising at all) and images of his recently redesigned Heller carriers crashing into the organization's DC headquarters. Also, all of shield's dirty secrets have been conveniently dumped on the Internet, including the fact that Hydra has been growing inside the organization since daddy dearest started it. He isn't surprised considering the man believed Obadiah was a good person, so it was obvious that his ability to choose partners was absolute shit.
Tony believes his tech is being used in the attempt to kill off anybody who could possibly have a problem with a Hydra world order and that Steve is leading the resistance to keep that from happening, but he's not certain. There are too many talking heads and Tony was uncertain of what actually happened, but it seems like they are just as confused.
"I need to get to DC now." It's the first thing he's said in almost 15 minutes. It looks like the new suit is going to get a test run sooner than expected, but Pepper stops him before he can get anywhere near it.
"You can't fly into DC right now. They will shoot you down the moment you get near Bethesda, especially because you may be linked to this in some way. I expect the FBI to arrive at any moment to question you about what happened. That's the entire reason why Ms. Candace asked me to pry you out of your workshop after not being able to get you out of here herself for the last twenty-four hours." Considering the serious look Pepper was giving him, she wasn't joking. "And that was before we knew about Steve."
"Then, I'm just going to have to avoid the Maryland suburbs. The ones in Virginia are so much nicer anyway. Why do you think I still have the house in Arlington?" He quipped. He needed to get to Steve now, regardless of what Pepper thinks.
"So James has a place to stay whenever he has a Pentagon assignment since you destroyed an entire floor of the Pentagon City Ritz-Carlton," Pepper sighed.
"That and I like the eggplant Parmesan from the Italian place down the street across from Freddie's. I have no memory of the Ritz-Carlton thing." Pepper stood there shaking her head.
"Because you weren't the one who had to clean it up. You put a hole in the ceiling and that was before you had a metal suit. The real reason you still have the Arlington house was so that you would have a place to stay when you made some excuse to visit Steve. Because of the Ritz-Carlton incident, you are banned from most hotels in the greater DC metropolitan area." Tony decided it was in his best interest not to mention that he mostly has been staying at Steve's apartment when he was in town.
"Jarvis make arrangements for me to get into DC the normal way." He said, ignoring Pepper's angry stare. She probably knew that he was still going to fly to DC on his own and this was just for show.
"DC has been declared a no-fly zone and most air-traffic has been grounded on the East Coast; however, Amtrak is still servicing the city at this time. Ms. Potts has already arranged for you to be on the next Acela. You will be allowed to bring any specialized equipment necessary for rescue operations." Tony translates that to mean Amtrak has no trouble with him bringing a suit with him. If it was for anything else – anyone else, he wouldn't even consider getting on a commercial train, but it was Steve and he needed to get to DC.
"You have 55 minutes to get to Penn Station. Just in case you have a seat on the next normal train to New York as well. Your assistant and Mr. George are waiting for you outside." She said, handing him the suitcase. Mr. George was Tony's new East Coast driver, although not that new. He was his father's security guard when Tony was a kid.
"Thank you, Ms. Potts." Because what do you say to a person who is absolutely perfect, but not perfect for you.
"If you were missing in DC, I would want to get to you as fast as possible despite everything going on right now." The way she said it told Tony that he wasn't fooling anybody by hiding in his workshop.
"You know, don't you?" Tony is sure that she does because Pepper is the smartest woman he knows.
"That you're in love with Steve? I just got that." Pepper said keeping her voice as controlled as possible. "That you're sleeping with Steve? I've suspected it for a while. I can't think of any other reason you would voluntarily take a meeting with the head of DOE, NIH, or the EPA."
"It didn't happen until…" He started to defend himself, but what was the point? It didn't matter if he slept with Steve for the first time last week or six months ago, it was still cheating.
"I honestly didn't care if you were sleeping with him as long as I didn't have to pick up his dry-cleaning in the morning or read about it in the tabloids. Just sex I could handle." He couldn't detect any sarcasm in her words, except for the part about dry-cleaning. In hindsight, he realizes asking his assistant to clean up after your one night stand was in bad taste.
"I should've never…"
"No, you shouldn't have. I've always known who you are. I wasn't expecting to change you. After nearly a decade of trying to get you to board meetings on time, I'm well aware that some things are impossible." Pepper said sadly.
"Apparently my being monogamous is one of those things?" He said, running a hand through his hair.
"That's not it. You didn't just sleep with Steve, you fell in love with him."
"It was only-You're right." He acquiesced because he wasn't going to win that argument, no matter how much he tried. "This is different than when you had to take out the "trash" pre-Afghanistan. Don't come in here and argue that you haven't tried to change me because you have. We haven't really been arguing about Steve, we have been arguing about that." Tony said pointing to the new armor.
"I know. And it wasn't right. I just -we can talk about this later. You have a train to catch." Obviously Pepper didn't want to talk about this.
"I can always drive, plus I really don't want to take a train anyway. It's not that far. We need to talk about this." Because, really, he's put this off for way too long.
"Not right now." Pepper said opening the door to exit his lab. "The train is faster, even with the way you dri..." Her words are cut off by the sounds of bullets ricocheting off the wall and explosions from elsewhere in the building.
To be continued
Let me know if you are enjoying this.
Also, if anybody wants to volunteer to write that four-way between Tony/Steve/Colson/May I will adore you forever.