"we've been walking for dauys, howard" vince complained as they sruggled uo yet another hill. "whty are we doing this, howard my r feet ji hurt/"
"it's good for the constitution!" howard replied, sturiding brisklut along in front of vince. howard was wearing a safari souit and carrying a walking stuck. vince was wearing silver glittering platform boots, purple trousers, and a bright red shirt that did not button up past mid-chest.
"does britain even have a constitution?" vince wondered out lod, but hoaward did not hear him. thankfuklkly.
"okay vince, we;re here!" howard declared. vince didnt see why the tip of this hill was different from the tip of any other hill.
"whewre is here?" vince asked. his feet hirt a lot.
"the best hill in all of the country," howard said. "the hill to end all hills. and i am king of it. howard moon, kinf og the hill!"
"hoawrd, i;m pretty sure that's arlready a thing," vicce saiod. but hoeard was not listening.
"vince i, howard moon, intrepid exlporer, have brought us here so that we can have a picnic on the best hill in all of the country." he rambled on.
"btu howard how can we have a picnic withotu the foot?" "food" vince said. howard turned around very gfquitckly. hius moustache bristled in the wind of his turning.
"qweren't you carrying the good?" howard asked. vince shrugged.
"it was creasing my shirt. howard this is he genuine silk from ...wjeterber silk vomes from it isn't relebant/ the point is that it was creasing me shity snfs so i haad to set it odown!"
"vince that was the FOOD FOR OUR PICNIC," jhpward saod/ vince puit his hands up in a defensive way.
"look howard i am sorry if i had known wer were habing as picknic i would have not left the backpack ... wjhereber i left it!"
"wjere did you leav it?" jpoawrdd demanded. vince bit his lpwer lip but not in a secual wai. it was the way of a little boy who has done something wrong and knows it but is trying to look cutre to syat out of trouble and that is not sexual okay.
"i left it back at the fork in the trail when we vame out of the fores before we got to the hills," vionce said. howard smacked his forehad. (his own forehad not vince's fotehead okay._)
"vince that was thw rowors worst place of all th places you could have left it!" jopward croes/
"whys that?" vince asks. howard mops at the sweat on his brow with the banf od his hat.
"becausr the fort is wherw anything can happen. a fork in the road is like a fork between worlds. anything can come out and anythiung can mean a good thing or a bad thing."
"i thnk you ware worruying too much howard" vicne said.
"wat if a demon comes vince? himmm? what then?:"
"howard i don't think a demon will want out ra satsumas."
"vince i did not bring kist satsumas okay."
"o know there are bnanmanas in there too right hoard?"
"yes cibince there are bananads."
vince sighs and stands wit his hands on his hips emphasising them but not necessarily in a sexual way though i guess if you have ovaries maybe it was because he has nice legs and all.
"so what are we going to do on the tip of this hioll then, howard?
"maybe we can just sit and look at the sighs vince."
so thery looked around for a whole and all they sau were trees and hills and some more trees.
"joward?"
"yes vince?"
(they had vbeeel olooking at hinkg dor a while not so they were lyring on the ground on their backs but not touching tbecause that would imply things that this story is not about okay_)
"di yiu see that coloud howard?"
"wjocj cpild which cloud vince?"
that one?"
vince points at a coloud ion the sky that looks sort of likea demon.
"tje one that looks like a demon howard."
"ues i do see that cloud vince."
"he looks like he's eating a satsima. oward."
"i kno w vince."
"tohhought uoiu dsia demons don't eat satsumas howard."
"vince i did not factor hypiotehtic al cloud demons into my queiations okay?"
"sotty."
"you don't have to apologice vince."
"why not?"
because we are frioends and i love you vince, nut not on a sexual way."
"oh okay."
thewy laid there for a while and it was very quiet when suffenly howard started to cry.
"what's wrong howard?" vince asked,. gill of concern for his dear friend howard.
"vince i had some ulteriour motives for today."
"joward i think i told yo uonece that i don' wsing that way."
"nmot like that vince ,you berk."
"sorry jhoward."
"no vince. the reason i hads this palnenned for today is because ..."
howards voice broke down like a cheap engine on a shit car on the carriageway.
"go on howard," vince said, sitting up. e hoped there was not dirt on his bum.
"vince i am leaving."
a cold wind blwe across the hill. vince looked up to see that the demon cloud was swallowing up the sun like a giant satsuma. he shivered and pulled his knees closer to his ribby chest.
"where are you going howard?"
"vince..." howarrd cogughed several times to stop his voic e cracking like poorly applied foundation. "vince, i have been offered a position with a very secret organisation. i cannpt even tell ou what it is. i was not even sposed to tel lyou that i am leaving but you are my odlest and dearest friend and i couldn't skean off o n the night without telling you."
there was a single flistening tear on howard's cheek.
"howard you can't go away vomce saod jos voice was shaking now too. the cold wind ruffled his hair.
"vince i have to/"
"howard...i have something to tell you, too."
"what is it, vincE?"
"howard, i am dying."
"what?"
howard was astonished.
"what do you mean yuou are duying vince?"
"how long have you known?"
"what is wrong?"
"Can anuting be duone?"
"howard i sisn't mean like that. i am not going to actually die, you nonce. but there is mud all u p the side of my boot and it is killing m to see it like this do you have some water?"
howard handed over his canteen and vince poiured it all onto his boot."
"vince that was out drinkin water!" howarc vcried. "i throught you woure going to drink it!"
"howard this is life otr death these boots were on sale at topshop last of their kidn discontibued forever. this muf could cause permanent corrison of tehe sparkle gactor."
vince crscrubbed at the mud but it was not coming off. his heart started to race in a pack p oan panicky way.
"jhoward it's not voming off/
tjat's what uyo get for playing david bowie on a hike!" howard chastised him. vince was starting to look especially pale and that was an achievement for him.
"howard it is not coming off."
vince was scrubbing os hard whe was cutting his fingers on the sqequins. as blood started to spill otnto the boots he became even more frenzied.
"JPWARD IOS IT IS GETTING WORSE"
"calm down vicne notjhing you are doing is helpign~"
but vince was lost in the kind of fevered delerium that only comes when one dfears one is losing the thing one lpoves most, and he couldnn't hear howard's worfs of wisdom.
finally howard had no choice but to take his walking stick asnd hit vince with it.
vince collaspsed onto the ground.
"i am sorrt vince it was for your own good."
howard said uselessly since vince could not heas him fdue to ebing unconscious.
howard heard the sound of a van approcaching them. a cvan or a lporry. he hadn ot decided.
"jpward are ypu ready to go?"
t was tje ;eader of the secrit organaisation.
"i can't just leave vince he re like this he will go mad when he wakes up and sees what had happened to his boots. well, sees it again. so goes mad again. the point is i cannot leae him he is my best friend "
"we cant bnromg him with us he is like a giant five year old he will compromise everything."
"please he will die out here."
"you're in a park in the middle of the ciry."
"vince doesn't know tat! he is an urban creature! nature confuses him. "
the mysterious leader nit but bit hs lip, but not like vince had earlier. more like someone makin a veru omportant decision.
"we can bring him with us, fine, but he will hav to be bilindfolded so he cannot give away the secrit location."
"okay" jpward said.
Ajd you tool howard."
"nt i am in ther organaisation!"
"not yet i am ostty howard it wis waht hwe have ti di,:
:okay fine" howard said and let them put the blibndgold on him and vince.
vince woke up beut he ocoukdb;t see anything.
"howard where are you?"
"vince i am here."
"howard where ar we going?"
"some where secrit vince i cant tell you?"
"oh"
the van stopped d heard th doors open
"okat we are here."
"howard where is herE?" vimce asled
"vince i am sorry but i have acfcidentally gotten you involvef eiyh tyhe ecreit organaiatation."
they were led up some stairs and then onto a t room and theur blindlgolfs got taskn off.
"jpward jos os pir"
"jh
"howard this is pir f;at/ vince said.
vince turned around and howard was mpt now a demon wearing vinces mod and blood voercred boots and eating a satsuma with the peel still on.
THOSE ARE MY BOOTS!" SCREAMED VINCE
vince lunged at he howard demon but the howard demon blasted him with s fotrvefield and vince went flying back and hit th e wall. he crumpled to the ground.
:"howard that hurt" vince whimpered.
"o am not howard,
tje de,pm wjpo was clearly not howard roared. "i am bowid dabie and these are m y boots!"
"no, thety're mine i got them at topshop they were on sale" vince argued. his head was hurting almost unbaereably.
"it was all a clveer ruse to lure in a foolish young woman like you into buying them."
the dmon cackled and aswallowed his satsuma hole. civince watched with horrified fascination as i t slid down his throat like a snake eating a mouse.
"as soon as your blood was slipolled onto them you broke the curse that was troa[[ing m e inside that human form."
"where is howard?" vk c ci vicne asked. his head was hurting even worse now.
"there never was a howard."
the demon cackled again.
"tjere was onky ever me. watching you. waiting dfot the moment when you would restore me to my formr glory."
vince was starting to lose conscipsmeness now. but he kept his eyes open somehow as the demons stepepd towards him.
"and now i will unlrash the full extent of my demonic power upon you and you will know truye painm!"
the demon threw back his head band began to utter the most horrigic sounds nown to man."
"shoop bob a doo wop scoobydoobydowopbob shananananana"
vince screamed and covered hie eears nbut the sound was penetratying inside him.
"VINCE:"
the demon was still scatting but vince could hear something else inside it.
"VINCE THE DEMON IS LYUING TO YOU. I AM STILL HERE. HOWARD MOON IS STILL ALIVE BUT I AM TRAPPED BENEATH THE DEMONS MIND"
vince almost ifnored it thinking it was more demonic trachery but then he rememvbered the time that howard had saved his life from the jazz virus and he knew that even though the awful sounds were weakening him he was strong enough to save howard.
"what do i do howard?" he swhispered.
"you hve to make me stronger than the demon"
"how?"
"look to the plan pony"
vince turned his aching head to the left and sae his collections of the drawings of the plan pony.
tje poriginal plan piny.
the plan pony on a surfboard.
the plan pony wearing a feather boa
the plan pony in a car with gary numan.
an d vince knew wjat je jad to do.
"HERE IN MY CAR I FEEL SAFEST OF ALL I CAN LOCK ALL THEDOORS IT'S THE ONLY WAUY TO ILIVE IN CARDS"
he screamed the words as loud as he could even though his head was splittin in half with pain
the demon howled and the sound hurt vinces head even more but he kept singing
HERE IN MY CAR I CAN ONLY RECEIVE I CAN LISTEN YO YOU IT KEEPS ME STABLE FOR DAYS IN CARS
the demon screamed again and vince knew he was goung to pass out soon
he cwas on so much pain he couldnet even remember all the words to the song even though he loved it so much so he kept singing the fisrt vers and humming all the synth parts.
"you can do it vicne touy're almsot htere!" jhoward said inside his mind
vince was too weak now he just kept humming the main sunyth melofy and repeating here in my car here in my car jere in my car
his voice grew quiet and quieter until finally he passed out
but the didn't see that the demonlight was gfone from howar'd eues.
jpward was back.
he ran to vince's side and checked to make asure he was still alive. fianally vince opened his eyes
"jpoward wjhat happened?"
"it's aoll over now vince."
"what happened to the mdemon?"
e's gone now vince, tyuo defeated him."
vince smiled weakly.
"yeah, guess i did."
howard helped vince sit up and then vince noticed that the boots were gone.
"Wjere diod they go?"
",must have fanished with the demon," howard said. "i'm sorry vince"
?"that;s okay i;m just glad you're back."
howard voughed violently and belched up a rather large peice of asatsuma piele.
"wjere did that come from?"
"the sun, maybe" vince said and they bith laughed.
"wait howard how can you remmber that if you were the demon?" vince said.
"tje de,pon was not in control of me then. not until your nlood went on the boots vince."
"oh" vomce saod/
"how about tomorrow we go-"
"J NOT ON A PICKNIC" vince said painickedly
"i was going to say to topshop and you can get whateve yu want and i will pay."
"howar are you sure that doesn't sound like you."
"you dabed my life, vince."
"yeah, i guess i di."
the two friends smiled.
thne vince frowned again
"Wait what was the secrit orgsnaiation then howard?"
howard frowned too.
"i don't know, vince."
"oh well" vince shrugged,
:come on let's go to bed howard."
so they went to bed
but not in a sexual wau
in theo r own inmdividual bedrooms.
the moon shone down from above and as vince gazed at it, hyst before he closed his eyes, the thought he saw a glash of a d toothy grin.
bu t he ignored it and swent to sleep.
dreaming about the fun he would have the next sau with his bedt frint HOARD MOON.
the end.
!1!