Written because Meyer claims Twilight was inspired by Romeo and Juliet. Which is bullshit.
Now, since Edward has no friends (Besides Carlislie apparently) I decided to be a bitch and… well, see the casting list.
Edward: Romeo
Bella: Juliet
Mercutio: Soren (Not a Twilight character. He's Mercutio because they have one thing in common: They are both accused of being gay)
Benvelio: Serenade (Me, because I'm a bitch)
Lord Capulet: Charlie (of course)
Lord Montauge: Carlislie
Prince: James
Paris: Jacob
Rosaline: Rosalie (Of course)
Tybalt: Seth (Epic Laughs)
Friar: Alice (You know, cause, she married them in BD?)
Alright … Let's go!
…………
Edward: My beloved Roselie, How I love thee-
Serenade: Dude, you're only after her cause your parents encouraged you too.
Edward: Ah, how she rejects me! She's crazy for me, I know it!
Soren: Did you guys hear about my unexplained distant family member the Prince being an asshole and breaking up a fight earlier?
Serenade: No.
Edward: Oh, Rosalie! My parents say I should love, and although we have never really spoken I-
Soren: Yeah. I'm bored now. What do you guys want to do?
Serenade: Well… I was thinking…
Edward: Oh Rosalie-
Serenade: Shut the hell up! Damn, you're so whiny. Why do I even hang out with you?
Edward: My love burns for Rosalie with the intensity of-
Serenade: That's it! Let's go the Swan's party, get drunk, crash it, and hopefully get Eddie here laid so he can stop whining!
Soren: Can't we hack FF . Net, and delete all of the Soren/Ike stories?
Serenade: That would take away like, 95% of the stories about you.
Soren: … Fuck.
Edward: Oh Rosalie-
Serenade: Hey, Eddie. We're going to the Swan's party. Wanna come?
Edward: The Swan Lord Charlie the Brown detests me. He calls me 'Edwin.'
Serenade: Charlie the Brown… what the hell?
Soren: Screw this. Let's go.
(Scene change)
The Three are walking up to the party, wearing masks.
Charlie: Greetings friends!
Edward: I'm your friend now? Sweet!
Charlie: Well, everyone is my friend! Except, maybe for that Van who tried to bang my daughter…
Serenade: (Alarmed) Wha- What the hell is a Van?
Soren: More seriously, who would want to bang your Daughter?
Charlie: I also hate Carlislie, the Lord of the Cullens.
Edward: Why? You're okay with him in the books.
Charlie: I mean, seriously. All the hot girls go to his party. All I got is my Ex-Wife, my Daughter, and Rosalie, who's only here because that boy Edwin has been stalking her.
Edward: But it's for love!
Serenade: Seriously, stalking is creepy.
Soren: Not as creepy as pre-teen girls writing fanfics about you sexing up your best friend.
Serenade: Of course not! It's still creepy though.
Charlie: Oh, and any of these fine Females will dance with you if their feet are unplauged by Corns.
(Dramatic Pause)
Serenade: ummmm… What the Fuck is that supposed to mean?
Charlie: Just try to get laid.
Edward: Marriage first!
Charlie: Yep. Then a quick divorce, and get married to another woman. Ah… Loopholes…
Serenade: Bastard…
Soren: This party is boring. I'm going to get laid… with a woman. Perverted bastards. (he leaves)
Serenade: I'm going to chat up Roselie. Who knows? I might get lucky. (Sneaks off)
Edward: You little… not as perfect as me! She's mine! (Sees Bella)
Bella: …
Edward: Oh, how foolish I've been! How could I have lusted after Rosalie when true love was right here!
Bella: You're… Hot.
Edward: I know, Love. And Today, is the day the Lion fell in love with the Lamb.
Charlie: (Comes around) Wouldn't the Lion just eat the Lamb?
Edward: It's a metaphor concerning how much I want to eat her, but I can't because I love her. Oh, and my stupid morals prevent me from eating humans anymore so… yeah.
Bella: That makes perfect sense!
Charlie: That doesn't make any sense at all. Ah well. Bringing out the beer.
Bella: (Shocked) Father, drinking is against our religion!
Charlie: Huh?
Bella: You know Meyer said that all of her characters are Mormon!
Charlie: How could Carlislie be Mormon? He's like, twice as old as the religion itself.
Bella: He converted!
Charlie: Yeah, because in the old days, we supported Polygamy.
Edward; Gotta love the Polygamy.
Charlie: Hmmmm…
Serenade: Doesn't that… Umm… Kind of go against the Word of God?
Charlie: …
Bella:. …
Edward: …
Charlie: Moving on. (Drinks the beer, despite Bella's protests) Oh come on, Bella. You wrote that Vampire story a while back.
Bella: Huh?
Charlie: Yeah. This Woman, Stephenie Meyer, had a wet dream a while back. So she wrote a book about Vampires. Then… the Uber-hot vampire came, made her immortal, and took her as his lover- forever! Despite the fact that she's already married.
Bella: Ummmm…
Rosalie: (Walks over) Hey Eddie! I'm drunk. Despite this, Serenade is not going to take advantage of me in any way. He respects women! And that makes him better then you! Even if he is as boring as a stick…
Serenade: Hey!
Rosalie: Scratch that. You can play with a stick. Anyway, I'm leaving. (Leaves in a drunken… way.)
Serenade: I'm bored. I'm leaving too. See if Soren found any hot Twins. See ya. (Leaves)
Charlie: Anyway, I need to get back to my guests.
Edward: Dude, you have no guests.
Charlie: …
Bella: Ummm… You're gorgeous and all, but I don't know your name.
Edward: Do you have to know my name before we get married?
Bella: Well, no. But I still want to know.
Edward: How about I dazzle you with my beauty and flattering praises! (Rips off his shirt, and crouches on the ground) Oh, Your beauty is more beautiful than a flock off Swans flying into the Sunset and burning to death!
Seth: (Arrives) Wha-How dare he! That is Edward, son of Carlislie!
Charlie: So?
Seth: But- he might hurt her!
Charlie: So? According to Meyer, Abusive boyfriend equals twu luv.
Seth: He's related to Carlislie.
Charlie: So?
Seth: Without Bella here, this party has no girls.
Charlie: What, you think I'm a Child Molester that that freak Jacob?
Seth: No, it means that everyone will go to … Carlislie's party.
Charlie: The one where-
Seth: Yes. But never fear! For I have found the secret to Carlislie's and the Cullens sexual success!
Charlie: Really? I thought they were just sexy.
Seth: Pssst. Without a personilty, it doesn't matter.
Charlie: Then what's the secret.
Seth: The Secret is… Axe Body Spray!
Charlie: Of course! Where's the spray?
Seth: I gave it to Bella.
Charlie: …
Edward: ( To Bella) Bow Chicka Wow Wow!
Bella: Sexy!
Charlie: I thought that only happened with girls?
Seth; It does.
Charlie: Alright, you dickless bastard. Get out of here. (Throws Edward out)
Edward: (Sneaks into the garden)
Bella: Oh, Edward! Oh my Love! Return to me, and I shall be a Cullen.
Edward: (Mutters) You, and every other girl who likes Twilight.
Bella: What?
Edward: Uhhhh… Nothing honey!
Bella: I love you so much… It doesn't even matter how big you are!
Edward: Good. Because I got none.
(The Next Morning)
Serenade: Seriously. How'd you get laid?
Soren: Those girls hoped Ike would come and have YAOI sex with me.
Serenade: Homosexuality is overrated.
Soren: Tell me about it.
Serenade: Oh, you hate Twilight! You must be gay! Oh, You play Nintendo! You're gay! Oh, You still like Harry Potter! You're gay!
Seth: (Comes in, with a bunch of his asshole internet buddies) You! You're the kid who showed up with Edward!
Soren: Yeah, well, what are you going to do.
Seth: This! (Using Meyer's lame descibal of Action scenes, he easily deals a death blow to Soren)
Edward: (Arrives) No! This is my land! Dad's going to make me pay for the funeral costs!
Serenade: No! (rushes over to Soren.) Are you all right man? Speak to me!
Soren: Tell… the Fangirls… I'm not gay.
NEWS Bulletin: Every Single crazy Fire Emblem fangirl has just committed suicide! Researchers are still unsure of how this occurred.
Serenade: No! Soren! You were the only good Sage in Radiant Dawn!
Seth: What about Ilayna? Or Tormod?
Serenade: I said good sage.
Seth: Oh.
Edward: What about Pelleas?
Serenade: His skill sucks ass.
Seth: At least he can fight.
Edward: I don't use Mages. I just USE THE JEIGANS!
Serenade: no…
Seth: What? How could you use the Jeigans? They suck!
Edward: No they don't'! Sothe is a freaking badass!
Seth: That's only at the beginning of the game! He sucks later on!
Serenade: Enough of the Fire Emblem jokes already.
Edward: Die bastard! (kills him)
Seth: No! What will Stephenie think… when she sees all those mean e-mails… (Dies)
Edward: That's for dissing the-
Serenade: Any more Fire Emblem jokes and I'll kill you.
James: What the hell is this?
Edward: ummm…
Serenade: Edward went crazy and killed Soren and Tybalt!
James: I sentence you to be banished!
Edward: Pfft. That's a shitty sentence.
James: In that case, I'll take out all the references of your beauty in Twilight!
Edward: What! You can't do that! That would take away 99 percent of my character devolpment!
Serenade: Huh?
James: Then get the hell out of here.
Edward: Fine! Unlucky for you bastards, I've already gotten married! Bwahahahaha!
Serenade: Who's the unlucky girl?
James: Someone who's easily dazzled.
Serenade: Some kind of slut?
James: perhaps.
(Scene Change!)
Charlie: Bella. It's time to meet the man who I was going to give your infant Child to molest… Jacob!
Jacob: I'm so sweet and not abusive… until Eclipse. I became an asshole there so the fans would choose Edward over me.
Bella: Ummm… nice to meet you?
Charlie: The wedding will take place at Dawn.
Bella: What? But Father, I thought you said he was engaged to my Daughter?
Charlie: He's a Child Molester. He'd probably prefer molesting his own child than someone else's.
Bella: That's disgusting.
Charlie: That's Pedophilia.
Bella: Can't I just kill mysef? I'm married already.
Charlie: Sure. You're a sue, so you'll obviously come back to life.
Bella: Cool. (Stabs a knife in her heart)
Jacob: I still get your family fortune right?
Charlie: It's behind the tapestry. I'm going to get a camera. My little girl! Finally killing herself! I'm so happy… (Leaves)
Edward: Hello. My name is Edward Cullen. You caused my Fiancee' to perish. Prepare to die.
Jacob: Quit quoting books Meyer hates because she thinks the romance isn't as super special awesome.
Edward: I shall defeat you in a battle… of Logic!
Jacob: Stop it!
Edward: Love conquers all! (Kills Jacob) Bella… (Looks at her) Since I'm such a flat character, I have no purpose in living besides loving you. So…. (Kills himself)
Bella: I'm alive! (Looks around, and sees Edward's dead body.) Oh shit… now what?
Tyler's Van: Through the Fire, and Flames I'll carry on! (Runs her over)
Bella: No! I can't-
Tyler's Van: You have perished. Despite popular belief, no one is going to miss you when you're gone…
Moral of Story: Soren is not gay, Edward has no dick, and Mary-Sue's are not awesome.
The End