SHOW TITLE
INT. FOREMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT
The gang has just finished a round of poker. HYDE is in his chair, ERIC, DONNA, and JACKIE share the couch, KELSO is in the lawn chair, and FEZ is in the hoppity hop. Everyone else groans as HYDE laughs triumphantly and scoops the pot up into his arms.
HYDE:
(laughing)
Man, you guys gotta learn to spot a bluff.
DONNA:
I can't believe you faked us all out with two pair. How did you make that look good?
HYDE:
Zen, baby. Zen.
KELSO:
I'm out of here.
He and Fez exit out the basement door, glum looks on their faces. Jackie rises and gathers up her coat.
JACKIE:
Goodnight, Steven.
HYDE:
Whatever.
Jackie stares at Hyde for a moment as he counts his money, then exits. On the couch, ERIC and DONNA watch Hyde and trade whispers with one another.
Hyde rises, gathers his coat, and makes for the door.
HYDE (cont'd):
Alright, I'll see you later.
Donna nudges Eric lightly. He nods and looks up to face Hyde.
ERIC:
And just where do you think you're going, young man?
HYDE:
(beat)
Home?
ERIC:
Yes...you'd like that, wouldn't you? Just waltz out that door, head back to your apartment, and sit around with your poker winnings and your alcoholic dad, never thinking about the consequences of your actions. You know, we've been down this road with you before, mister.
HYDE:
Foreman, if you don't tell me what this is about, I'm gonna kick your ass.
ERIC:
You just plant your ass back in your chair, because we have something we need to talk to you about! Don't we, honey?
Donna nods. Hyde shrugs and heads back to his chair. Eric and Donna inch across the couch to get closer to him, and Donna reaches a hand out and places it on Hyde's knee.
DONNA:
OK, Hyde...is there anything you want to tell us about your date with Jackie on Veteran's Day?
HYDE:
(beat)
OK, bye-bye.
He stands again, but Eric and Donna stand too, and push him back into his chair.
ERIC:
No, no, no! You don't get to do that, pal.
HYDE:
Whatever, man. So we went on a date. So?
DONNA:
'So?' Hyde, she stalked you for weeks, you told her to 'die away from you,' then you decked that guy at the barbeque, took her out, and neither of you have said anything about it.
HYDE:
(shrugs)
Nothing to say.
ERIC:
Yeah, see, you I expect that from, but the cheerleader? You went with her to the mall out of pity once, and she wouldn't shut up about it until halfway through the third film in my Godzilla marathon.
DONNA:
Hyde, we just...you know. If anything happened...
HYDE:
Nothing happened. (They stare) Nothing happened. I got us some pizza, we sat around, nobody talked...throw in a stash and a guy pissed off his film turned out blank and I might as well have been hanging out with Leo.
DONNA:
Huh. So...that's it? It was a dud date, and it's all over?
HYDE:
Yeah. I mean...yeah. Well...yeah.
ERIC:
(beat)
Hyde...
HYDE:
What? I'm telling you, it's over. She said she didn't feel anything, so - that's that.
DONNA:
Wait - she said she didn't feel anything?
HYDE:
Whatever.
DONNA:
But what about you?
Donna and Eric both break into matching grins. Hyde shifts in his chair.
HYDE:
(beat)
Oh, no. You got it all wrong, man.
ERIC:
Oh, I don't think so, Hyde.
HYDE:
No, I - so she thought the kiss was -
DONNA:
Oh my god, you kissed?
ERIC:
The horror!
Donna and Eric gape at Hyde, who jumps to his feet.
HYDE:
Hey - listen to me! I do not like Jackie! I can't like Jackie! I only took her on that stupid date to shut her up about all this fantasy hero-worship crap she's been on! So we kissed, and she felt nothing, and she hasn't said anything and - and I don't care! It's cool! It's - it's totally cool.
ERIC:
Oh...well, you know... (reaches out to take Hyde's hand) in Point Place, they say that Steven Hyde's heart grew three sizes that day.
Hyde yanks his hand free and storms out of the basement, while Eric and Donna fall against each other, laughing.
MAIN CREDITS
BUMPER
INT. FOREMAN BASEMENT - DAY
The next morning. Hyde sits in his chair eating oatmeal. Eric and Donna, dressed for winter, sit on the couch. They stare at Hyde and grin. As Hyde raises a spoonful toward his mouth, he stops, but doesn't turn to face Eric and Donna. They don't stop staring. Hyde resumes eating, but pauses again with the next spoonful. Eric and Donna keep grinning at him. Hyde finishes his bite, but when they still won't stop, he shoves his spoon into his oatmeal and turns to face them.
HYDE:
This is going in both your faces if you don't knock it off. I swear to God.
DONNA:
I can't believe it. Tough, trouble-making Steven Hyde - no ties, no girlfriends - gets a crush on Jackie Burkhart.
She cracks up as she says the name, and she and Eric lean their heads against each other as they laugh.
HYDE:
I am not "crushing" on anyone. If I wanted to date Jackie, my interest would be strictly academic.
ERIC:
Academic?
HYDE:
Yeah, man. Think of it like an experiment. See, Jackie comes from money. Corrupt, Republican, corporate stooge money. She comes from the Man. Now, I've already taught Jackie zen. If I bring her into the full world of experience offered by sex, drugs, and rock n' roll, then I'm turning the Man's own child against him.
Eric and Donna stare skeptically.
HYDE (cont'd):
See? It's like, I'm the virus, and Jackie's patient zero. Through her, I corrupt the system from the inside. That's how you bring on the revolution, man!
ERIC:
Your lips mouthed some conspiracy mumbo-jumbo, but all my ears heard was "I wish she were mine."
Donna starts laughing again. Hyde flings some oatmeal Eric's way, and he dodges it.
ERIC:
I dunno, Donna. Someone might have beat us to the draw on the bedroom this weekend. We might have to settle for the back of the van.
DONNA:
Oh...as long as I'm with you, Eric.
ERIC:
That's my girl.
They cuddle.
HYDE:
What are you talking about?
ERIC:
You know - the cabin.
HYDE:
What cabin?
DONNA:
The trip to Kelso's uncle's cabin. Didn't he tell you? We're leaving any minute.
A horn honks off-screen. The three share looks and head upstairs.
CUT TO:
EXT. FOREMAN DRIVEWAY - DAY
It is a cold, snowy day, and KELSO is standing in front of his van, parked with its back facing the road. He paces and rubs his hands together. Hyde, Eric, and Donna come outside through the kitchen.
KELSO:
Hey. So, you guys ready to go?
HYDE:
Kelso, man, what the hell? You didn't tell me about this trip?
Kelso looks as if he just noticed Hyde was there.
KELSO:
Oh. I'm sorry, Hyde. I forgot.
HYDE:
Well, as long as there's beer, I'll forgive you. (claps Kelso's shoulder) Let's get going.
KELSO:
Wait, Hyde. You can't come.
HYDE:
Why not?
KELSO:
Because! Because...
He steps around Hyde to reach Eric and Donna.
KELSO (cont'd):
OK, I might as well let you in on my master plan here. See, what this whole trip is about is a romantic double date, with you two, me, and Jackie.
ERIC:
OK, see, Kelso - double dates usually work better when the second couple are actually dating.
KELSO:
So, it's a secret double date. I told Jackie the whole gang was coming, but I didn't invite Hyde or Fez.
(to Hyde)
No offense.
DONNA:
I'm out.
She and Eric both turn to head back inside, but Kelso moves to block their way.
KELSO:
No, I need you guys! Look - I wanna win Jackie back. I love her, I miss her...and I've been getting, like, nothing from Laurie lately.
Donna rolls her eyes, Eric grins, and Hyde fumes. Kelso ignores them all.
KELSO (cont'd):
I wanna show her that I've changed. That I'm not the lying, cheating guy I was when we dated the first time. Or the second.
HYDE:
By tricking her into a double date when you haven't even broken it off with Laurie yet?
KELSO:
Exactly! And, Eric and Donna, you guys are, like, the perfect couple, so if you're there, I can just copy all the sissy, loser things that Eric does, and I'm gold!
ERIC:
I mean - he asks so nicely, how could we refuse?
DONNA:
Kelso, I am not doing this!
KELSO:
Oh, come on! You guys get a romantic weekend out of it, and I'll have tons of beer! We won't even need a refrigerator 'cause it's so freaking cold! (crosses to Hyde) Oh, but I need to grab the beer and gas on the way, so...I kinda need it back.
He holds out his hand.
HYDE:
You need what back?
KELSO:
You know...my money.
HYDE:
What money?
KELSO:
My money from the poker game last night.
HYDE:
Kelso, that's my money.
KELSO:
No, it's mine! I brought it!
HYDE:
And you lost it!
KELSO:
Well, since when does losing it to you in a poker game make it your money?
Hyde stares, and Eric and Donna roll their eyes.
HYDE:
OK - fine, Kelso. I'll pay for this trip - with my money - on one condition: I come too.
KELSO:
What? No, Hyde! That throws off my whole plan!
HYDE:
Then you're not getting my money.
KELSO:
Well, what do you want to come for anyway?
ERIC:
Yes, Hyde - what do you want to come for?
HYDE:
(beat)
Kelso, all your master plans are stupid and blow up in your face. I could spend my poker winnings on beer, movies, and nudie mags, but those are there every weekend. Watching you crash and burn - that's something special, man. And I don't wanna miss it.
KELSO:
(beat)
Alright, you're in. But we're not bringing Fez! He's all over Jackie right now, and I don't need him trying to sabotage me.
ERIC:
Yes, we wouldn't want that. Would we, Hyde?
Hyde glares at Eric, who moves with Kelso to get into the front of the van. Hyde and Donna linger by the back. Donna takes a few steps toward Hyde.
DONNA:
Hyde - you really do care about her, don't you?
Hyde shifts on his feet.
HYDE:
No...but do you wanna go through all that again? (imitating Jackie) "Oh my god, you're so beautiful, Michael!" (imitating Kelso) "Oh my god, you're so beautiful, Jackie!" (imitating Jackie) "But you screwed Laurie and made out with Pam Macy - you're a dirty dog and an idiot!" (imitating Kelso) "Well, I'm gonna keep cheating on you, talk about breaking up behind your back every five seconds, then cry like a bitch when you break up with my dumb ass!"
DONNA:
(laughing)
Well, deny it all you want - this is the sweetest I think I've ever seen you. But I think it's good for Jackie that she's on her own right now. So please tell me you're not gonna use this trip to crawl all over her like these other dorks.
HYDE:
It's like I told you - she didn't feel anything. That's that.
He looks down at the ground. Donna sighs, and reaches out to rub his shoulder.
DONNA (cont'd):
Ugh, I can't believe Kelso. And what about poor Fez? We're leaving him all alone this whole weekend.
HYDE:
Actually, I think he'll be fine. He had some plans.
DONNA:
What plans?
CUT TO:
INT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY
A packed theater sits back to enjoy a special screening of WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY. Pan across the first row until we arrive on FEZ, munching away at popcorn and chocolate. His eyes are wide and his mouth hangs open.
FILM (aud. only):
Who can take a sunrise (who can take a sunrise)
Sprinkle it with dew (sprinkle it with dew)
Cover it with choc'late and a miracle or two...
Fez sits up straight and sings out, as loud as he can...
FEZ & FILM:
The Candy Man!
Oh, the Candy Man can!
Everyone sitting around Fez glares at him. He smiles apologetically and slumps back down into his seat.
CUT TO:
INT. FOREMAN LIVING ROOM - DAY
LAURIE sits on the couch in her bathrobe. She watches TV and sips at a mug of coffee. KITTY enters through the kitchen door. Seeing Laurie, she sucks in a deep breath and puts on a hard smile.
KITTY:
Good afternoon, sunshine. We missed you at lunch. And breakfast. And dinner last night.
LAURIE:
Yeah...I would've made it, but it interfered with my plans to not spend more time in this dump than I have to.
KITTY:
(Laughs)
So, ah - what do you have planned for the day?
LAURIE:
Same as every day. Lie here, do my nails, avoid talking to you. It's not going that well so far.
Kitty crosses to turn off the TV. Laurie makes a hollow gesture of protest, but doesn't stir from her spot as Kitty joins her on the couch.
KITTY:
Honey, you've done nothing but party all night and sleep all day for months.
LAURIE:
Oh, come on, Mom.
KITTY:
Oh, not 'come on.' Sweetie, I'm worried about you. The way you're going, you're going to end up like...like Aunt Martha.
Laurie sits up straight.
LAURIE:
You think I'll end up like Fat Martha? With the beer gut?
KITTY:
The poor woman couldn't even play putt-putt.
Laurie stands.
LAURIE:
I can't believe you'd say that about your own daughter! And if I ever take three hours at that game, it's only because it's really hard to get it in the hole!
She storms upstairs. Kitty picks up the coffee mug she left behind.
KITTY:
Not a problem anyone's ever had with you, I'm sure.
CUT TO:
EXT. ICE CABIN - DAY
Hyde and Eric unload the van as Donna, Kelso, and JACKIE stand back and take in the small, rickety ICE SHACK sitting on top of the frozen lake. Kelso grins, while the girls look incredulous.
DONNA:
This is your uncle's cabin?
KELSO:
Yeah...now that we're here, I guess I can tell you that part too. It's more of an ice shack.
JACKIE:
It's an outhouse!
KELSO:
No, it's an ice shack!
He crosses over to a large metal barrel just outside the shack.
KELSO (cont'd):
This is the outhouse. And the hot tub.
The girls glare. They join Eric and Hyde on their way back to the van, but Kelso walks after them.
KELSO (con'd):
It's for fishing. My uncle comes out here all the time! It's gonna be a blast. Just us, in this beautiful snow, all weekend long, with plenty of beer. And we can catch all the fish we want!
HYDE:
So, on the ride back from this weekend in Hell, we can enjoy the smell of dead fish the whole way home? Oh, boy!
Jackie moves to Hyde's left, as far from Kelso as she can get. Donna takes a step closer to Eric.
DONNA:
It's kind of cold.
ERIC:
Oh, here - take my jacket.
He shrugs his jacket off and drapes it over Donna's shoulders.
DONNA:
I love you!
ERIC:
God, were are such the...
They both turn to look at Kelso.
ERIC (cont'd):
...Perfect couple.
Kelso rolls his eyes. Jackie shivers.
JACKIE:
I'm cold, too.
KELSO:
Well, damn, Jackie, I can't control the weather!
He notices Eric and Donna glaring at him, and catches on to his mistake.
KELSO (cont'd):
I mean - of course you're cold, Jackie!
He makes a big show of taking his jacket off and presenting it to her.
KELSO (cont'd):
Here - take my jacket.
It is now Jackie's turn to roll her eyes.
JACKIE:
Forget it. Donna, let's go inside.
DONNA:
(to Eric)
How does that sound to you, honey?
ERIC:
I think that sounds like a great idea, sweetie.
DONNA:
Oh my God, let's go!
The two of them link hands and follow Jackie towards the ice shack. Kelso starts to follow, but Jackie holds up a hand to stop him.
JACKIE:
You're not coming in.
KELSO:
What? Jackie, it's my uncle's cabin!
ERIC:
Well, Kelso, you can always warm yourself up in the hot tub.
He drums lightly on the rim of the barrel. He disappears inside the shack with Donna. Jackie lingers in the doorway and looks at Hyde, still by the van.
JACKIE:
Steven, are you coming?
HYDE:
In a minute. Think I'll fumigate the van for a little while first.
JACKIE:
Won't you be cold?
HYDE:
(shrugs)
I don't feel anything.
He and Jackie look at each other. Jackie breaks away first, disappearing inside the shack and closing the door behind her. Kelso crosses over to Hyde and scoffs.
KELSO:
Man, can you believe this? I mean, what's the point of bringing Eric and Donna along if copying all his dorky moves doesn't work?
HYDE:
Yeah, man. It's almost as if a half-assed plan to trick a girl into liking you by pretending to be someone you're not is a bad idea.
KELSO:
I know, right? I mean, that's impossible, but it's so close to what's happening here.
Hyde sighs, claps Kelso on the shoulder, and pulls him along as he steps into the van.
BUMPER
INT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY
WILLY WONKA continues. The "PURE IMAGINATION" song plays off-screen. Fez has finished his popcorn, and is now chewing a piece of bubble gum. As the song's first three chimes sound, he blows a bubble. On the second three chimes, he sucks the bubble back in his mouth. He repeats this pattern two more times, the bubble getting larger and larger each time, until...
CUT TO:
The bubble blows up, becoming a pink BUMPER.
FEZ (V.O.): Ai!
FADE TO:
INT. ICE SHACK - EVENING
The shack is even dirtier-looking on the inside, with various pieces of fishing gear and winter clothing adorning the rough walls. Benches surround three sides of a square hole in the ice. Eric and Donna share the right bench, while Jackie sits on the center one. Eric has a fishing line in the water.
ERIC:
Boy, ice fishing's fun. Don't you just love it here, Donna?
DONNA:
Oh, Eric...it doesn't matter where we are. It's being together that makes it fun.
ERIC:
You'd rather be anywhere else, wouldn't you?
DONNA:
Literally anywhere. You know me so well.
ERIC:
Eskimo kiss!
They start nuzzling noses. Jackie looks on in disgust.
JACKIE:
What the hell is with you two today?
Eric drapes an arm around Donna, and they both smile at Jackie.
ERIC:
Oh, didn't Kelso tell you? We're the...(with Donna) perfect couple.
JACKIE:
Yeah - perfectly nauseating!
ERIC:
Well, if you don't like what you see in here, missy, there's some beautiful scenery and a wind chill near 10 just waiting for you outside.
JACKIE:
At least you're better company than Michael. God, can you believe that idiot? Who picks a small, smelly shack like this for a friends' weekend? I don't even think we could fit everyone in here!
ERIC:
(flat)
Oh, no. How could Kelso make such a terrible mistake?
Jackie pouts and looks at the door.
JACKIE:
What's keeping Steven? I hope he's not too cold.
ERIC:
Oh, a little worried about 'Steven,' are we?
Donna swats his chest playfully, and he withdraws his arm from her shoulder.
DONNA:
(to Jackie)
Jackie, we were talking earlier how it's a bit strange you didn't have anything to say after your date with Hyde from Veteran's Day.
JACKIE:
(shrugs)
I didn't think there was anything to say. I mean, at the time, I thought it was the most romantic moment of my life. Steven was jealous, he defended my honor, he took me out...and for a poor person, he can splurge when he wants to, 'cause we got the good pizza. But when we got to the kiss, there just wasn't anything there.
ERIC:
Wait, so - Hyde can't french? Well, that is just so good to know.
JACKIE:
No, it wasn't that. It was a hot kiss. I mean, hot. I just didn't feel any different than I had all day.
DONNA:
(beat)
Jackie, you spent that whole day obsessed with Hyde.
JACKIE:
(beat)
Hey. Hey, you're right, Donna! And Steven - Steven said he didn't feel anything either, but only after I said I didn't feel anything. And just now, when I asked him if he was cold, he said it again. But not like he really didn't feel anything. More like he was upset.
ERIC:
Jackie, to be fair, we're sitting in an ice shack we were told was a cabin, with a trash can just outside that's going to be our toilet and bath for the whole weekend. 'Upset' covers pretty much everyone right now.
JACKIE:
Oh my God. What if Steven did feel something? And he just covered it up because he's vulnerable and afraid and thinks no one would ever love him with those awful sideburns? And what if the reason I didn't feel anything during the kiss is because I was already feeling all my love for Steven the whole day up to that point?
She rises and starts for the door, but Donna reaches out to take her sleeve. Jackie sits back down.
DONNA:
OK, Jackie, slow down. Ever since you and Kelso broke up, you've been all over the place with guys, but lately, you haven't worried about that at all. And I think that's good for you.
JACKIE:
But Donna, I have to talk to Steven. What if -
DONNA:
You can talk to him, Jackie. I'm just saying - remember what we've talked about the good side of being alone. How you can get to know yourself and get more comfortable with who you are.
ERIC:
Yeah, Jackie. At least until you find your... (puts his arm back around Donna) ...perfect couple.
DONNA:
(laughs)
Yeah.
(beat)
And, you know. After that, too. Sometimes.
ERIC: What do you mean?
DONNA:
Well, Eric, I love you, but I need some time for me too.
ERIC:
Yeah, but that's not what you're talking about. You're talking about time to yourself as in, not being with anyone. Are you saying you'd want a break from...from us?
DONNA:
Eric, it's not a big deal. I mean, you need some time to yourself too. It's not like we go everywhere together. We don't go to the bathroom together.
ERIC:
(voice breaking)
Well, we'll have to up here! We don't have a choice!
CUT TO:
INT. VAN - EVENING
Concurrent with the previous scene. A CIRCLE is in progess, starting on Hyde.
HYDE:
Man, Kelso, I am so happy I'm not in your shoes right now. I mean, every part of your plan - the trip, the cabin, copying Foreman - has backfired. This was such a good way to blow that poker money!
Pan to Kelso.
KELSO:
Jackie just doesn't know how much fun ice fishing is. I mean, I was out here for four days with my uncle once. He fell in the ice, lost all his fish, and woke up a hibernating bear. I laughed my ass off! And I'm tired of everyone ragging on the shack. It's cozy.
Pan to Hyde.
HYDE:
Kelso, "cozy" is sharing a bed, or a couch, or the back seat of a Lincoln. Dragging a chick along under false pretenses is no way to get cozy anywhere. If you want to get down and dirty in a place that's down and dirty, you've gotta be up-front about it.
Pan to Kelso.
KELSO:
You're just not thinking about what you can do when you throw a cot over the ice hole and...wait. Jackie drives her dad's Lincoln...
Pan to Hyde.
HYDE:
Yeah, well, that's just...whatever. Look, Kelso - why do you even wanna do this, man? You're still with Laurie, and Jackie's moving on. Seeing other people. And some of them are pretty cool. Can't you just give her a break?
Pan to Kelso.
KELSO:
Man, it's just not the same with Laurie. I mean, I know Jackie. I understand Jackie. I care about Jackie. And...and why do you care so much about Jackie?
The circle is broken. Hyde and Kelso stare at each other from opposite ends of the back of the van.
HYDE:
What? That's crazy, man! Who said I cared about Jackie?
KELSO:
Yeah, you totally care! You let her take you to the mall after we broke up, you went to jail for her, and...and you took her on that date on Veteran's Day!
HYDE:
No I didn't.
KELSO:
You so did! And you're keeping me in here, when I could be in there doing it!
HYDE:
Kelso, Foreman and Donna are in there. The only thing you're gonna "do" is get your nose rubbed in how much better they are at this than you.
KELSO:
Oh, yeah? Well, just what happened on your date? You scam on her?
HYDE:
What? No, man! It was nothing!
KELSO:
You did it in the back of the Lincoln, didn't you? Man, you don't do that with another guy's girl! That's where we used to do it!
HYDE:
We didn't do it! And you also don't trick your ex-girlfriend out to a frozen hell-hole so you can try and win her back while you're still seeing the skank you cheated on her with. And Jackie's not your girl anymore!
KELSO:
Well, is she yours?
HYDE:
She's nobody's! She said it herself at the end of the date, the kiss meant nothing!
KELSO:
(gasps)
Kiss? You're dead, Hyde!
Kelso launches himself across the van at Hyde, and the two begin wrestling. Hyde strikes Kelso in the head right as the van begins to rock violently. The boys stop their fight, look at each other, and bolt for the exit.
CUT TO:
EXT. ICE SHACK - EVENING
The door to the shack opens, and Eric, Donna, and Jackie spill out just as Hyde and Kelso leap out of the back of the van. Hyde's sunglasses are crooked and he holds his right hand in his left. Kelso has his right hand over his right eye. The cracking sound continues.
ERIC:
You guys, what happened?
KELSO:
I don't know. All of a sudden, the van just started shaking!
HYDE:
'All of a sudden?' You jumped me, you tool!
DONNA:
Uh...guys?
Everyone turns to watch as Kelso's van slowly sinks into the ice. Kelso looks horrified, while the others seem torn between anger and schadenfreude. Kelso whips his belt off.
KELSO:
Quick, everyone give me your belts. Together, we can pull it out!
A splash of water shoots up as the van begins sinking quicker. Everyone takes a step back. Kelso looks around pleadingly, but no one else moves to take their belts off. The van disappears beneath the water.
HYDE:
Man, this master plan just keeps getting better and better. For me.
JACKIE:
(to Kelso)
Michael, what 'master plan?'
KELSO: Who cares, Jackie? I'm losing my van!
Jackie pouts at Kelso as he stares at the hole where his van used to be. Hyde rubs his right hand, and Eric and Donna glare at each other.
FADE TO BLACK
COMMERCIAL
BUMPER
INT. ICE SHACK - NIGHT
Later that night. Donna sits on the right bench alone, while Jackie and Hyde share the left bench. Donna has her arms crossed, and Jackie watches while Hyde holds a cold beer can to the knuckles of his right hand.
Someone bangs on the door.
KELSO (v.o.):
OK guys, I'm getting really tired of being kicked out of my shack!
No one even looks up.
ERIC (v.o.):
Donna? Honey? I think this is enough alone time for one night, OK?
DONNA:
(stands)
Can it, you dillholes!
She sits back down. Jackie takes the beer can from Hyde.
JACKIE:
Here, let me help you.
She holds it to his knuckles.
HYDE:
Don't hang on to it too long. I need it cold when I pop it open to drink.
Jackie rolls her eyes and looks around the shack.
JACKIE:
God, how could Michael think this would win me back? After all the crap he did, he'd have to take me to Aspen before I'd even consider letting him touch me again.
HYDE:
You mean you'd consider it at all?
JACKIE:
(beat)
No. Why, do you care?
HYDE:
(beat)
Whatever.
They look away from each other. Another knock comes to the door.
ERIC (v.o.):
OK, we're gonna go for help, but just so you know - Kelso's already talking about sharing warmth, and I don't know how long this walk is, so you just think about that during your alone time, missy!
Donna, Jackie, and Hyde all share looks of disgust.
CUT TO:
INT. FOREMAN LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Kitty paces behind the couch nervously, while RED sits in his chair reading the paper. Laurie enters from the stairs.
LAURIE:
Alright, I'm here. Let's get this over with.
She throws herself down on the couch.
KITTY:
Good evening to you too. Honey, we feel that you need some direction in your life.
RED:
(not looking up)
And by we, she means her.
Kitty scowls at Red before turning back to Laurie.
KITTY:
Laurie, you have no future ahead of you, and you have nothing in your life right now. Just look at how you spent today. You sat around, watched TV, and drank all your father's beer.
RED:
(looks up)
And in the future, always save one beer for Daddy.
LAURIE:
(to Kitty)
Look, will you get off my back? I have a plan for my future, alright? Find a guy who's loaded and get married.
KITTY:
You? Married? I think you left out the part about the unexpected pregnancy and the quickie divorce for your fiancée!
RED:
See, Kitty? She has it all worked out. She'll find someone who's rich, and nice, and...not Kelso. Someone who can take care of her.
LAURIE:
Exactly!
(beat)
But - Daddy, I could have a career of my own if I wanted, right?
RED:
(beat)
Well, sure. I just don't want you to set yourself up for...like what happened at the college. If you set the bar too high, the fall might be...you're just so pretty!
KITTY:
Oh, I give up.
She storms upstairs. Red stands.
RED:
Kitty, wait!
(to Laurie)
Here's five dollars.
He slips her a five and runs after his wife. Laurie stares at the money and sighs.
The doorbell rings. Laurie stands and crosses to the door. She opens it to reveal Fez, his face and hair a sticky pink mess of bubble gum.
LAURIE:
What the hell happened to you?
FEZ:
Please don't laugh. They all laughed. The audience, the usher, the ticket boy...even the Oompa-Loompas seemed to mock me with their doompaty-doo-doo.
Laurie bites her finger to keep back a laugh.
FEZ (cont'd):
I cannot get the sticky out! Please, help me?
LAURIE:
(shrugs)
Well, at least someone's day sucks worse than mine. Get in here.
She takes Fez by the shoulder and pulls him inside. She struggles to get her hand free; once she does, she lightly pokes him in the back with one finger to guide him into the kitchen.
CUT TO:
INT. ICE SHACK - NIGHT
Donna stands and looks out the window. Hyde and Jackie still share the left bench. Hyde is now drinking his beer, while Jackie holds his right hand and examines his knuckles.
JACKIE:
What I don't understand, Steven, is why you'd even come on this stupid trip if you didn't care about what Michael was up to.
HYDE:
Have you been sleeping this whole time? Gilligan does better with plans than Kelso. I'm getting prime-time entertainment here - with beer.
He holds up his can and takes a sip.
JACKIE:
Then why did you keep Michael outside instead of watching him try something with me? And (holds up Hyde's hand) what were you two fighting about in the van?
HYDE:
(beat)
Uh...boy, Foreman's sure been gone a long time, huh, Donna?
DONNA:
Yeah. I hope he's OK. (turns to face the others) But what did he have to get so worked up for? I'm with him. I love him. Why can't he see that 'time alone' for me doesn't mean 'time broken up from him?'
HYDE:
Come on, Donna. If it surprises you that Foreman's a spaz at this point, you haven't been paying attention. I mean, the guy's got no self-esteem. He's still floored you're even with him. Yeah, he was a little insecure, but you didn't need to leave him out there with Kelso. I don't know what that guy meant by sharing warmth, but whatever it is, Foreman's not gonna like it.
DONNA:
(laughs)
OK, maybe that was a little much. (looks back to window) I wish they'd get back soon.
JACKIE:
(to Hyde)
And what about your insecurities, Steven? Did you or did you not feel something after our date on Veteran's Day?
HYDE:
(beat)
Does it matter? You didn't feel anything.
JACKIE:
Well...
HYDE:
'Well?' What do you mean, 'well?' You're gonna tell me you did feel something now?
JACKIE:
(beat)
I thought I didn't. But now, I think maybe I did. Ugh, I don't know!
HYDE:
Well...I did. And I do.
Jackie's left hand goes over her heart. Donna looks back over to them, grinning.
DONNA:
Aww...
HYDE (cont'd):
(to Donna)
Get bent!
(to Jackie)
So, what happens now?
Jackie closes both her hands around Hyde's right.
JACKIE:
I think Donna was right that I need some time for myself. But, when that's over, I want to give us another chance. So, Steven - will you wait for me?
HYDE:
So, you use me as a shoulder to cry on over Kelso, stalk me for weeks, send me to jail, and when we finally go on a date and I tell you I felt something, you expect me to wait around while you take time to sort things out?
(beat)
God help me, I'll do it.
Jackie beams and throws her arms around Hyde's neck. He struggles to keep a straight face as he pats her back. Donna happily looks on.
CUT TO:
INT. FOREMAN LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Red leads Kitty back down the stairs.
RED:
Now, try not to worry so much. Laurie's just a child, after all.
KITTY:
She was a child ten years ago, Red. She is a woman, and that woman is going to end up with a beer gut and gout!
Red sighs. He takes Kitty over to the couch, and they both sit down.
Laurie bursts in from the kitchen.
LAURIE:
(to Kitty)
OK, look. The reason I haven't done anything with my life is because I didn't know what I wanted to do.
KITTY:
Well, sweetie, the post office has a dental plan that's -
LAURIE:
Shhh! But earlier tonight, something happened that made me realize that I've found my passion. Hair!
KITTY:
(beat)
The musical?
LAURIE:
No! (she tugs on her hair) Hair! Look!
She steps to the right of the kitchen door and holds out her hands in presentation. Fez steps out, with a short, closely-cropped hairstyle. All trace of gum is gone. He stands with his hands on his hips and a very satisfied expression.
LAURIE (cont'd):
Fez had a little accident, and I fixed it! And when I thought about it, I could see that this is where all my talents were! Mom, Daddy - I'm going to beauty school!
KITTY:
This isn't something you do through the mail, is it?
LAURIE:
No. It's a real school!
KITTY:
Oh. Well...yay!
She starts applauding.
RED:
Congratulations, sweetheart!
LAURIE:
Thanks, Daddy!
(to Fez)
Come on, Fez. Let me practice a manicure on you, and I'll introduce you to my easy friend Susanne.
Fez grins, and he lets Laurie usher him back into the kitchen.
RED:
So, Kitty, what do you think?
KITTY:
Eh.
RED:
Yeah.
He turns on the TV, and they settle down on the couch.
CUT TO:
INT. ICE SHACK - NIGHT
Everyone is still in their same places. A knock sounds at the door. Donna hurries to unlock it. Eric is waiting outside, his cheeks and nose red with the cold.
DONNA:
Oh my God. Are you alright?
ERIC:
Oh, yeah. Three mile walk to the nearest rest stop, three miles back, snow, wind chill, Kelso trying to cuddle the whole way. No big deal.
Donna cups his head in her hands and kisses him.
DONNA:
Eric, I'm sorry.
ERIC:
(beat)
Me too. (gestures over his shoulder) One of the truckers offered us a ride. He's waiting outside.
DONNA:
My hero.
ERIC:
Perfect couple?
DONNA:
Of course!
They share another Eskimo kiss, gather up their things, and head outside. Jackie and Hyde stand. As Jackie collects her bag, Hyde takes his jacket off and puts it around her. She looks at him.
HYDE:
(shrugs)
You looked kind of cold.
JACKIE:
Thank you.
She briefly places a hand on his cheek. They get their things and head outside.
CUT TO:
EXT. ICE SHACK - NIGHT
Kelso is standing right by the doorway of the shack as Hyde and Jackie leave. He notices Hyde's coat around Jackie, and that the two are walking closely together and smiling at one another. He gasps in shock.
FADE TO BLACK
CREDITS
INT. FOREMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT
Fez, in his new haircut with Eric's bathrobe over his clothes and Red's hat in his hands, dances around the basement while "I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TICKET" plays on the record player. He uses a pool cue as a cane.
END.