Notes: Hi! I know this is probably a depressing possibility, but this takes place after Ray and Neela break up (hopefully this won't happen on the show). Let me know what you think. Thanks for reading!
Disclaimer: I don't own ER. The song is Dido's "White Flag."
Neela walked down to the ER for the fiftieth time that day, it seemed. It was precisely on the days she felt like crap that she would get assigned to do consults. Just my luck, Neela thought, as she looked over at the admit desk to find Ray completely immersed in his chart. He probably works the same shift as I do…
Everyone knew they weren't together anymore. While attempting to keep things normal, there were still those awkward moments when they would both be in a trauma or at a work party and would attempt to stay out of each others' way as much as possible. They weren't exactly on speaking terms, which made it even more difficult. No matter how much Abby prodded her about what happened Neela just couldn't bring herself to explain—it hurt too much. Every time she looked at him, her foolish words would play in her head and the pain in her chest would awaken.
It's never going to work, she had said to him, we're too different. They were complete opposites: he was adventurous, she just wanted to hang out on the couch; he was confident, she was insecure; he was a rebel, she always played it safe…
The little things that annoyed them would lead to mindless bickering, the mindless bickering leading to furious exchanges and hurtful words. Ray thought this was what normal couples did—they always made up afterwards anyway. He would hold her and it would all be okay. Neela, however, thought otherwise.
But the meaning behind the words was much different. The bottom line was that Neela was afraid, afraid of the thought that one day Ray would realize that he wanted to be with someone better, someone who was more like him. She loved him more than anything—she didn't think she could take another man walking away from her, only to leave her stranded and alone. Neela would leave him before he could leave her.
Ray couldn't believe she was leaving—he felt like the world's biggest idiot. She had left him twice, and both times she had driven away without looking back while he was left standing dejectedly on the sidewalk, wondering what he had done to drive her away. He had tried to make her happy—and until that moment, he thought she was happy—but it just didn't seem to be enough. His heart hardened overnight, and the only thought that came to mind when he saw her picture then was how much pain she had caused him.
Six months had passed since then, and Ray still couldn't get himself to even look at her. He never thought he would cry over a girl, but Neela wasn't a girl…she was Neela, and he still loved her. But there was no way she would know that. Ray knew it was vindictive and wrong, but he wanted her to feel what he had felt.
O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O
Neela wished the ground would swallow her whole. The consult she had been called for turned out to be Ray's patient, and the ten minutes she had spent in the same room with him felt like a lifetime. He was looking everywhere but at her, attempting to focus on his chart but finding it difficult to do so. Up until now, there had always been other people—doctors, nurses—in the room with them when they found themselves in close proximity. But now that Neela was just two feet away, Ray had to do everything in his power not to look at her. No matter what he did, however, the pain was still there and seeing her smile reassuringly at his patient wasn't going to change that.
"Okay Sarah, we're going to keep you here tonight just to make sure everything's alright, but Dr. Barnett fixed you up pretty nicely so you should be able to go home tomorrow. I'll go get your mum and she can stay with you while we get your room all set up," Neela said as cheerily as she could manage. At the sound of "Dr. Barnett," Ray glanced over to find Neela sending a weak smile in his direction. He didn't know whether to feel grateful or annoyed, but the look on his face reflected the second of the two, and Neela found herself scurrying to get out of the room before her eyes brimmed over. She knew she deserved whatever wrath Ray may feel, but seeing it in his eyes was too much to take.
Neela hastily wiped the tears running down her cheek as she walked into the doctor's lounge. She couldn't stop herself. After a full minute of constantly having to wipe her face, she resigned herself to sit in a corner and let them finish. He hates me…
I know you think
that I shouldn't still love you
I'll tell you that
But if I
didn't say it
Well, I'd still have felt it
Where's the sense in
that?
Neela wanted to say those words so badly—she wanted Ray to know that she loved him and would always love him. But she had given up that right the moment she stepped out of his door.
I promise I'm not trying to
make your life harder
Or return to where we were
She had made his life harder once, and she wasn't about to do it again by making him try to forgive her for what she had done. She sure did miss her best friend, though…
Well I will go
down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and
surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love
and always will be
Neela never stopped loving him, even with all the fights and the scathing words. Not even his vengeful eyes could stop her heart from beating for him.
I know I left
too much mess
And destruction to come back again
And I caused
nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And
if you live by the rules of "It's over"
Then I'm sure
that that makes sense
Ray had every right to be angry, to hate her for leaving. But he couldn't hate her for what she felt for him, and one day, she would gather up the courage to tell him that.
Well I will go
down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and
surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love
and always will be
Neela had let her insecurities determine her destiny, and only now did she see what a grave mistake she had made.
And when we
meet
As I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there
still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will
think
That I've moved on
He hadn't seen her
cry, and Neela would make sure that he never did. She needed to stay
strong, if only to show him that everything would be okay. Someday,
everything will be okay. Well I will go down with this
ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no
white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be