I love you, however...
Roy sat at a bar he had only been in once or twice since he'd transferred to Central, he had an untouched shot of rich amber brown liquid sitting in a glass between his arms, but he made no move to drink it. Instead he opted for staring at the shiny bar counter top, with its various circular water patterns from glasses, bottles and the smudges of people's less than clean hands when they passed over the bar.
The noise of the busy place sounded like a hum in his ears because he'd tuned it out, he wasn't there for the atmosphere, the fun or the people.
He wasn't there for a drink even.
He wasn't in this particular bar for any reason other than to hurt himself further, he supposed.
He'd never been privy to emotional hurt before, not until recently…and it was because of Edward Elric.
Looking back on the decision to take the then 17 year old Edward to bed, it had seemed like a bad choice then too, he'd remembered continuously questioning himself on it in the beginning. There were many reasons why it was never a good idea when he thought about it and Edward wasn't really even his type to begin with.
Not just that he was another man, Roy wasn't a stranger to same sex relations, it was because he'd never dated anyone with a personality even remotely like Edward's. Roy had always preferred quiet types, self-conscious types, fake types.
The kind of lover who'd be anyone they thought you'd prefer just to please you.
Dating someone as real as Edward was dangerous, because it was real and so grew the feelings.
Still he'd gone right ahead and jumped headlong into boisterous sex with his once subordinate and he'd discovered that Edward was no child…and then some, he'd discovered that even he could learn new things…he'd discovered Edward had a vividly sexual imagination…
Of course sex had been one thing, he didn't scold himself for getting caught up in Ed's flesh, after all, it was an extremely attractive specimen of flesh. He could never deny he enjoyed every inch of Edward's body beneath his hands, his lips, his own flesh…around him, that profane mouth saying his name, screaming it sometimes, kissing him as if Roy's mouth tasted like honey…overwhelming, Edward was overwhelming.
He sighed, no he couldn't be faulted for giving into that particular thing. Edward had offered sex and Roy had accepted it, Edward had been 17, an adult by state law and he'd been sure it was what he wanted, he'd even been cocky and flirtatious about it.
He stared at his untouched drink now as the emotional pain vexed him.
His biggest mistake was that he'd gone ahead like a stupid fuck and fallen in love with Edward.
Stupid stupid fuck.
He hadn't thought for a second it was even possible…but waking up next to Edward in bed in the mornings went from being an incentive for more sex, to morning kisses, cuddles and shared breakfasts.
He clenched his fists atop the bar as he thought of cuddling with Edward, holding him, placing chaste kisses to his neck and shoulders…it had been nicer than Roy wanted to give it credit for, especially when his nose was buried in silken pale gold blonde locks of the former Fullmetal Alchemist.
Why the hell did Edward's hair always smell so great anyway? Even when he sweat from sex or exercise, even after he'd been cooking and surrounded by oils and spices, even when he didn't wash it for a few days, surely Roy was just losing his sense of smell if it all smelled so good to him?
It aggravated him now when all was said and done…well not done yet. He hadn't made any decisions…which made him kind of pathetic.
He didn't know if he could blame Edward even if Edward was at fault, totally and completely wrong.
He felt a little to blame for being stupid enough to fall for Edward as hard and as quickly as he did, the little things that pushed him over that edge. He got caught up in showering with him, cooking with and for him, having him stay over so often he might as well have moved in, his company became necessary. He though sadly on their kisses on the couch and in his study, sweet and unassuming kisses that didn't always lead to sex. Moments when they'd laugh at a personal joke or something they found funny, moments when Edward would look at him as if he were the only man in the world that mattered.
His golden eyes were so beautiful…and so dishonest.
He placed his face in hand and swallowed thickly, hating the lump forming in his throat and the inability to make a decision, it was hurting his usually formidable pride.
And the humming of this bar in his ears was starting to annoy him as well.
He didn't forget why he was here though.
He removed his hand from his face and knocked back the shot of brandy before adjusting the upturned collar of his coat, keeping his face hidden from anyone besides the bar tender, who was not really interested in him anyway. He wore casual clothes underneath his grey coat, he knew he fit in easily amongst the Friday night drinkers, like he did in the bar he was usually in.
In these places no one cared who you were unless they were there to meet you.
Although this was not a bar he ever even really considered coming to…no, this was Edward's dive.
Cramped space, party lighting, livelier music, younger crowd…just short of being a club really.
Edward was 20 years old…
Roy was 34…
Their ages were very different…their likes and dislikes mostly dissimilar…yet their nightly sex romps had turned into nightly engagements not limited to sex, but dinners, movies, theatre and visiting friends, they'd grown used to each other and compromised for each other.
Their conversations about Amestris, alchemy and work had turned into conversations about which laundry detergent they both liked and where they'd spend Roy's vacation time each year. Their arguments went from yelling just to be heard to arguing to resolve their differences. Their kisses went from lustfully desperate to expressing their feelings in the moment, whether it was happiness, need, apologies, sweetness, want, sadness…love…
Edward had said he loved Roy, in fact he said it often, whether or not Roy said it first.
In the three years they'd been a couple…an open and well known couple, Edward and he had shared love, a home, a life…
Now it was revealed to have meant more to him than Edward.
He glanced around the area behind him via the mirrors, looking over the unfamiliar people and faces, he searched their faces, stupidly thinking he'd be able to pick the nameless faceless cause of his pain from within the crowd just by looking.
But that was just silly.
He caught the bartenders eyes as he walked by and the well-built man stopped, Roy pointed to his glass with a nod and the bartender quickly gave him another shot before moving on down the bar.
He figured drinking wasn't a good idea considering the circumstances of him being there.
Roy swallowed back the drink and brushed his black bangs back up into his hair, leaving his hand there as he stared at the empty glass.
He hadn't even suspected anything, he hadn't even thought it was odd that Edward didn't always say where he'd been when asked. He didn't think anything of it when Edward would come home and take a shower before he even bothered to eat anything or say hello properly, why he didn't always offer a greeting kiss before he'd had a chance to slip into the bathroom, he didn't question why Edward would avoid certain cinema's or restaurants, claiming he didn't like it there even though Roy didn't know that to be true.
He'd never even suspected…a fucking thing.
It wasn't until he'd visited Edward's apartment –which Ed insisted on keeping even though he basically lived with Roy- while waiting for Edward to get done in the bathroom so they could go out to dinner. He'd found a receipt from something earlier in the week in his coat pocket and being in Edward's bedroom waiting for the younger man he walked over to Edward's bedroom dustbin in the far corner…
…and he saw empty condom wrappers lying in the bottom, shiny silver and red squares packages…empty…implying they'd been used…recently.
His heart had skipped a beat, the hotness of shock and panic swept over him making him swallow nervously a few times. He'd looked away from the bin, walking around to the foot of the bed, he looked around the room, it was relatively tidy and the bed was made, it looked like it wasn't used, which made sense because Edward had been at his house all of that week…
…the condom wrappers said otherwise. Or where they old? How old? Years old? He and Edward didn't use condoms, not for the last two and half years…
He ignored the nausea in his stomach and the tingling panic crawling along his spine when he heard the bathroom door open and he turned around, Edward emerged from his en-suite with a towel round his waist and gave Roy a winning smile, he'd tried to smile back but could only just manage.
He hadn't over reacted, he hadn't said anything.
He didn't want to jump to conclusion right then, reason with himself that condoms were also another means of lubrication during masturbation, Roy knew this…it was a flimsy idea but he held onto it…
It was after the condom incident when other odd behavioral patterns of Edward's became suspicious, everything he'd not noticed before started to feel really strange and unsettling.
Things started to change – for Roy.
Edward was an amazing liar…and Roy started to resent him deeply for it.
Edward kissed him, Edward smiled at him, Edward even initiated sex with him frequently.
When it became too much, when the worry, second guessing, questions and paranoia became too much for him, he'd finally hired someone to follow Edward around for a few days. He hadn't been about to hire a stranger and risk a leak and scandal of any information, good or bad –he had to think of his position as General of the military- so he'd asked Jean Havoc to do it.
He felt pathetic telling his suspicions to Jean, even though he said it in as cold and detached a tone of voice as possible, making it sound like business. Jean had taken the assignment easily and even had the good natured manner to tell Roy that he didn't have anything to worry about, Ed was a good guy.
Three days later, Monday morning Jean sat across from him in his work office looking sad, pitying and sorry as he told a different story, one that made it clear Edward was no good guy.
Roy had been subtly shaking as he listened to Jean relay the information by order.
The taller blonde hadn't wanted to say more than the obvious but Roy insisted.
Jean said it was in a bar, lots of younger men and women, drinking and dancing and necking.
Jean said it happened Saturday night.
'Edward had said he'd be out with some friends.'Roy had thought.
Jean said Edward had been there, with two other people, both guys who were around Ed's own age.
Jean said they were drinking…as if it made a difference.
Jean said quietly that Edward seemed flirtatious with one of the guys in the small group.
Jean hesitantly described him like he would a suspect, Caucasian, early twenties, dirty blonde very short hair, approximately 5 foot 8, blue eyes, casually dressed, tattoo on left arm of and eagle, soldier build.
Roy asked if Jean thought he was a soldier.
Jean said he'd checked, negative.
Roy instructed him to go on. Jean looked bothered but complied.
Jean said the suspect flirted back comfortably.
Jean said it seemed like they knew each other well.
Jean said the suspect was confident enough to stand close to Edward, confident enough to touch him casually.
The tension at that moment in the office had become stifling, Roy was holding his breath and his chest hurt, he didn't know if he wanted to know more, if it was necessary or if he should just give in to Jean's hope he would not ask for more details.
But Roy was a man of full facts. He couldn't make a decision until he knew the extent of the crime.
At his order, Jean steeled himself and angrily continued in a business tone.
Jean said after a while the third man left and Edward and the suspect moved to a pair of open stools at a table.
Jean said the suspect sat down and Edward stood…between his legs.
Jean said they kissed explicitly.
Roy felt his stomach lurch.
Jean said they engaged in publically expectable intimacies.
Roy translated this as mild groping and he swallowed the nausea of his shaking insides.
Jean said they stayed for an hour and 16 minutes longer, drinking and flirting, leaving the bar at 11.22 pm.
Jean said he followed them by foot, they walked exactly 6 blocks.
Jean told him the exact street and address of the apartment building they'd entered together.
With a sigh, Jean said he remained outside the apartment building for two hours until Edward finally made an appearance with the suspect.
Jean said they talked for a few minutes, kissed each other and Edward walked away at a steady pace, not looking back.
They'd sat in silence for several long minutes until Jean shook his head and admitted that he'd wanted to walk up to Edward and beat the shit out of him, smoking his fifth cigarette by that time.
Roy took long pained breaths while he digested the information…that Edward was cheating on him.
It was safe to assume Edward was sleeping with the unnamed suspect, if the two hours in his apartment wasn't a large clue, the condoms at Ed's apartment validated it.
Roy stared into the empty glass, he was a little pale after remembering that day when he'd found out for sure.
He didn't need to be there in the bar, he trusted Jean's word like he trusted the man with his life.
But he was there, in this bar…waiting for his pain to be amplified.
Edward had said he was going out with friends again, Roy had left the house ten minutes after him and ended up there. Edward had looked as handsome as usual, his long hair pulled up into a neat ponytail, a medium fitted black cotton pull over shirt showed off his shapely upper body and his strong shoulders, the short sleeves highlighted his arm definition as well. He'd been wearing one of his many leather pants that he owned with a pair of black boots…he hadn't even taken a coat.
Roy had been sitting there for so long with the humming noise in his ears he'd forgotten to look around him for the last ten minutes, so when he felt someone push up to the tight space at bar beside him, he felt a little startled. He didn't show it though and glanced across at the mirror absently to see who'd been so rude, the first thing he noticed was that the place was twice as full but then he let his brain consider the younger man leaning on the bar next to him.
Roy swallowed and subtly glanced at the man beside him.
Short dirty blonde un-styled hair, he had bright blue eyes, his facial features were sharp and his jaw was defined and clean shaven. He was about Roy's height if he was standing and he dressed in a jeans and T shirt that fit his lean frame well but not too tightly. He smiled at the bar tender and greeted him with familiarity of a patron, asking for two beers of a brand Roy recognized…because Edward drank it.
Anger and shock washed over him as he realized his stupid idea to show up there had just played out, Edward was here with this man…and he was attractive, he looked friendly enough and he was young.
Roy could compete with 2 out of 3 of those things.
But all rolled into one, he was no twenty something anymore.
These days it took more work for him to look as fresh faced and handsome as he always did, he was getting older and despite all of his hair dying attempts, his stressful job as a General had started catching up to him, he found the occasional grey hairs.
He didn't have time to look after himself the way he used to…but it hadn't bothered him all this time, Roy knew full well he was still very sought after, not a day went by when he was at work or out where he wasn't flirted with, or when an old 'acquaintance' would call him and ask what he was up to lately and if he wanted to get together.
But he'd turned them down…because he was with Edward.
But apparently he wasn't enough for Edward.
He knew he really shouldn't feel inadequate because Edward was being unfaithful…but he really and truly did.
He found that even as he sat trying to control his anger, that he was comparing himself the young man next to him…and he wasn't measuring up.
The suspect said thanks to the bartender and took the opened beers up in his hands before he disappeared from Roy's side, he watched him go via the mirror and the crowd and changing lights swallowed him up.
Roy shifted tensely, knowing he should leave. Just leave right then.
But he didn't listen to himself and instead slipped off the barstool after placing two Cenz notes down under his empty glass. Roy walked along the walls of the bar room, it wasn't a very large place but it wasn't really small either and it was crowded. He kept his eyes focused on the people, looking for that familiar blonde hair that he'd ran his fingers through so tenderly at times and gripped tightly during other times.
Since finding out four days ago about Edward's infidelity Roy had purposely worked late to avoid any kind of run in with Ed...they hadn't had sex since the previous week…Wednesday.
It wasn't long ago yet Roy felt like it had been ages, it was the distance between them more than anything.
Now though it made him angry to even think about the fact he'd been sleeping with Edward while he'd been sleeping with someone else. Roy had been many things in his day, he'd dated many women, dated a few men, he'd had casual sex of many kinds…but he'd never had more than one sex partner at a time…and he'd never cheated!
He felt so angry and the bar was so hot, he could feel himself sweat slightly in agitation.
He was just about to go a little farther around the dance area when he spotted Edward, people moved in and out of his field of vision, blocking Edward every so often but not badly. Roy shifted backward so the lights overheard weren't on him but in front of him, it didn't hide him completely but the place was busy enough that he didn't think he'd be spotted.
The last thing he needed was to lose it in this place and kill the bastard…whether he meant Ed or his fuck buddy he wasn't sure. He just knew he was angry and having a hard time breathing calmly.
He watched them.
They were at a table against a back wall, Edward was sitting on a stool leaning his back against the wall, taking sips from his beer. The other man was leaning against the high table more or less in front of Edward.
For several minutes they just talked and he watched Edward laugh and smile…like he did when they talked about lighter subjects.
He wondered how Edward could be here…thinking Roy was at home…knowing how he waited for him on night's like this.
Didn't he feel anything?
It didn't look like it.
Nothing happened that really made him more than angry until the suspect- although by now the stranger was proven guilty- stepped into Ed's personal space. He stepped comfortably between his leather clad legs, one hand placing the beer bottle down on the table while his other hand unobtrusively slid along the leather over one of Ed's thighs.
When they kissed Roy's heart broke…in every sense of the metaphorical words, every feeling besides immense loss had drained away from him.
He watched as the –much younger- man he loved, lived with and thought he'd known so well, leaned his head back and parted his lips for another man's tongue to engage his own. He watched as Ed's hands slid around the lean torso of his company and pulled him closer as he openly kissed back…Roy knew how incredible Edward's kisses were…how good he was with his tongue.
His vision didn't stay very clear and when he blinked he grimaced at the fact that he'd been about to tear up.
He forced his constitution to reassert itself but for a split second Roy felt himself lose it, he pushed himself off the wall and very nearly clapped his hands together so he could set the filth between Edward's legs on fire and watch him burn and scream in pain.
But he was very lucky…he knew it, when someone bumped into him by accident and brought him back to reality. The painful reality of it was that Edward was cheating him...whether the other man knew about Roy or not, he owed Roy nothing…he was not at fault. Not where Roy and Edward were concerned.
He shook his head, trying to clear the cloudy anger from his mind and he made his way the way he'd come and toward the exit. When he reached it and he wobbled out into the open cool air, he pressed a hand to his face and bit back a groan, his chest hurt so badly.
It hurt…it hurt to be lied to and deceived by someone you love.
He loved Edward…he didn't understand where things had gone wrong.
He barely glanced back at the doors of the bar before he started walking in the direction he knew Jean had said they'd gone in Saturday night…he made his way to the exact address.
He didn't know if he was waiting to confront Edward or just waiting to torture himself some more.
But he waited anyway.
He knew they were sleeping together…he didn't need to know it firsthand, yet he waited.
He figured some part of him was hoping to find a moment to char the fucker to cinders.
More than an hour passed as Roy sat on steps of another building across the street from the designated apartment building. In the time he sat there he found himself wallowing and questioning himself, the angrier part of himself questioned and berated Edward for hurting him this way…
…but it all came back to the fact that he felt inadequate. Roy tried to convince himself he was just reacting badly to the first romantically emotional pain he'd ever been dealt. He tried to convince himself that blaming himself was part of the process and that soon he'd blame Edward because it was his fault, his wrong doing.
But regardless of that…right then it was just Roy questioning and second guessing himself while he stalked his unfaithful lover.
He questioned whether he'd been affectionate enough, whether he was boring as company, whether he needed to cater to Ed's preferences in the house and in bed more, although he thought he did already. He questioned whether they should have gone out more. He thought maybe he should have asked Edward more about his work, even on days when Edward seemed like he didn't want to talk about anything. He felt maybe he should have been more spontaneous, open minded…he even questioned the one thing he never ever questioned…whether he was satisfying Edward sexually.
He'd never had reason to think he wasn't…as far as he knew it was always amazing and when it wasn't amazing it was great, it never went any lower than great sex between them.
But then he had to wonder why Edward would seek anything from another man if he was doing everything right.
He was sitting with his face in his hands, elbows on his knees when he heard Edward's voice carry through the quiet streets. They were talking about some person Roy didn't know, he just paid attention to the easiness of Ed's tone, he sounded so relaxed.
Eventually the pair came into view between the few cars parked in the street and Roy felt surprising anger at the fact that they were holding hands…that seemed like an intimate thing to do.
They walked straight into the building without looking around and he managed to keep himself from following them, there was no way doing something like that would end well for anyone. Or end alive.
He sat for a half hour, just sitting as his chest and the emotional pain dithered to a dull ache in his head. Roy stood up and walked away from the building and the general area at a calm pace, he walked passed the bar and eventually over to his car parked further down. He got in and drove himself home.
All the time thinking of how pathetic he was.
It was almost two a.m when Roy –sitting in the lounge for hours after having taken some headache pills- heard the front door open.
There was a moment's pause before the front door closed and was locked and then Ed's heavy booted steps could be heard and Roy raised his dark blue eyes to regard the younger man.
Edward stood under the foyer arch and frowned at Roy across the fully lit lounge,
"You're still up…don't you have work tomorrow?" he asked as he stood there, at that distance from Roy he noticed Ed seemed calm…considering what he had to hide.
Roy felt a strange detachment from the situation now that he knew it wholly, he found when he looked at Edward, he could pretend it wasn't real. Sure Edward's shirt seemed a little creased and knowing what he did, it almost seemed like Edward was standing naked before him…naked and cheap.
…but he blinked the thought away and kept his trademark cool façade a he stood up slowly from the single seat chair he was sitting in, he still wore his clothes from earlier, minus his coat, a black button up shirt and a black pants,
"You know Saturday work is optional."
He saw Edward fidget as he flashed a small grin at Roy's now standing form,
"Not with Riza it isn't." he joked then made the expected subject change, "…I'm gonna take a shower real quick, will you still be up when I'm done."
"Why don't you have coffee with me before you shower…" Roy said smoothly, even though he had an urge to walk over and punch Edward straight in his lying mouth.
Edward didn't even hedge,
"I've been drinking, I don't want coffee…" he said without missing a beat and stepped in the direction of the stairs, "…but I'll come down when I'm done." He walked like nothing had happened.
He walked like he hadn't just come from being fucked by some other man.
"Edward." Roy's voice was firm, resolute and it stopped Edward in his tracks.
The blonde turned to face him, his ponytail swinging behind him,
"Yeah, Roy?" he asked evenly.
"Come here." Roy said it shortly and looked at Edward directly as he stood without moving at his chair.
"Roy, I…-"
"Come here…Edward." He insisted and made sure Edward saw the assertion in his cold gaze.
For the first time…he saw Edward hesitate in his actions.
The blonde glanced around, feigning annoyance when Roy knew it was worry he felt and he sighed and slowly walked over, stopping about a meter away.
Roy narrowed his eyes at the slightly shorter man, Edward's complete height was level with Roy's forehead since he'd turned 18.
Instead of insisting Edward close the meter between them, Roy did so and he almost grabbed out because he saw Edward consider back stepping but when he didn't Roy found it made him even angrier.
Edward was so confident…
"What's wrong, Roy? Did I get back too late?" he actually sounded like he was sincerely asking.
Roy resisted the urge to hit him…again.
Edward could beat the shit out of him but Roy would at least like to see him spit blood first. But he never made the move to do it…not yet, it was hard not to though…he was so angry.
"Where were you?" he was glad he sounded so casual.
"I was at a bar near Florent." He said easily and slipped his hands into his pockets.
That wasn't a lie, Florent was a restaurant near that ba,r Roy knew this but again, Ed's boldness only angered him…on top of that standing just a foot from Edward he could see him better, he looked closer.
He looked for it this time.
Edward's face looked a little tired, his skin looked very slightly blotchy…especially around his mouth and on his neck and jaw line, his hair had a less light texture to it, some of his bangs were limp around his face like he'd been sweating and for the fact he'd licked his lips at least three times in the half minute Roy looked him over…it told Roy his mouth was probably dry.
Nothing dried a person's mouth out like being kissed for a long time.
Roy raised his shaking hands to his face and pressed it into his eyes as he turned his head away from Edward,
"Roy?" Edward's voice brought him back before he could forget himself.
He turned to Edward, lowering his hands and swallowed thickly before raising one hand again and placing it on Ed's cheek…lightly.
Edward glanced at the hand and Roy felt him lean away from it, all the same he ran his thumb over the sticky texture of Ed's skin. He saw it right then in his mind as he looked over his lover of three years.
He pictured Edward on his back with that guy on top of him rutting and it was all skin, noises and it was painful to think about it but hard not to.
He leaned his head forward and sniffed Ed's hair, at this the blonde finally pulled back and away from his hand to step back,
"Why the hell are you smelling me?" he looked worried now…not guilty, just worried.
Roy's cold glare fell away, he felt his gaze turn weak and pathetic as he regarded Edward,
"You smell…like…se…" he wanted to say sex because it was so true, sex, sweat and unfamiliar cologne, "…like smoke." He finished and pain crossed his face.
He saw it in Edward's eyes…Edward knew he hadn't meant to say smoke…but he had chosen to.
Edward knew Roy had meant to say sex, he wasn't stupid.
There was silence for a moment before Edward frowned and half shrugged,
"The bar…" he mumbled as an explanation for what they both knew wasn't the problem.
Roy blinked a few times as his eyes burned, but he wouldn't cry,
"You…uh…you been going to that…bar…for a long time?" he asked very quietly.
Edward's face changed completely, now he looked guilty and pale.
Roy watched him swallow and avert his gaze while trying to think of how to answer the indirect question,
"How long…?" Roy repeated.
He heard Edward's breath catch and then he frowned, he looked a little sad now,
"…uh…" he didn't look at Roy, he swallowed again, "…about…about a y…a year…" he said very softly.
Roy hadn't expected that and he clenched his jaw painfully as the tears tried to force their way out of his eyes, he looked at Edward and saw how he hesitantly turned his golden guilty eyes onto Roy.
The older man narrowed his eyes,
"You like that bar...Edward?" he sounded angry now.
The blonde frowned,
"Roy, I…-"
"Do you, Edward?" he said over Ed's quiet excuse to avoid this conversation.
Ed's breathing was heavier and he nodded,
"Yeah I do…" he said shortly.
Roy did hit him then but it was an open handed slap which was by no means less impactful than a medium force punch, Edward was steady on his feet though and while he stumbled sideways just a bit because of the suddenness of it, he didn't fall over or even make a sound.
"A year…" Roy seethed quietly as he stared at the reddening, swelling side of Edward's face, his chest rising and falling heavily and his eyes focused off to the side, "…I thought maybe…a few weeks…maybe a couple of months…" he said harshly as he watched Edward close his eyes and slowly turn his head back to face Roy.
"Does he know about me? Am I some fucking joke between the two of you?" Roy didn't want to step around the subject anymore.
Edward shook his head quickly, making no move to soothe his burning face,
"He-he doesn't know…"
"Why did you do this to me!?" Roy shouted suddenly and then shook his head, he sniffed from the burn of holding his tears back.
Edward flinched that time,
"Roy…I'm sor…-"
"Shut the fuck up!" he silenced Edward, the blonde finally ran a hand over the burning side of his face and over his chin as a distraction from Roy's anger.
They breathed loudly in the silence for a while.
Roy's insides shook as he thought back on how he'd spent the evening waiting and trying to decide what he was going to do. He finally looked at Edward again.
The blonde looked upset, whatever guilt had been there was gone now, he just looked upset in general and his face was a bright red on the left side, the skin risen in the lines of Roy's fingers and palm.
But other than that he was still gorgeous…still beautiful…he was still Edward.
His Edward.
Roy pursed his lips, he had known that he was going to accept this even before he'd found out completely. Because he loved Edward and even though he was much older and probably so different from the crowd Ed spent his free time with, different from the younger man Edward spent some nights with…Edward always came back and Edward still wanted him, Edward still made love with him and spent most of his time with him.
He must be doing something right…and he wanted to fix this.
"Me or him." Roy said quietly and kept his eyes on Edward's face.
He looked startled and confusion crossed his features,
"What?" Ed frowned deeper.
"Me…or him." Roy repeated.
Edward blinked and looked away from Roy, who felt his stomach bottom out at the look of serious consideration that crossed Ed's face before he looked at Roy again.
He expected the worst, not only hade he sacrificed his self-respect and pride because he felt like he wasn't adequate but now Edward was going to choose the other man.
"I…uh…" Ed rubbed his one eye on the sore side of his face, "…you, obviously." He said clearly and not too quietly.
"Why?" Roy asked before he could stop himself, apparently he needed validation he didn't even realize.
Edward shook his head and his expression turned momentarily to one of almost crying before he was just frowning,
"Because I love you."
"So you don't love him?"
"Fuck…no, Roy, no way." He breathed and his voice broke slightly as he brushed his bangs back in frustration.
Roy still had enough anger to rip Edward apart with questions and accusations but that answer seemed to be just what he subconsciously wanted to hear. Edward loved him and that's why he stayed with Roy…that was something no one else had besides him, Edward's love.
That was enough for him.
"You stop seeing him immediately, never again Edward." He choked out.
Edward nodded quickly,
"Yeah…yes…" he sniffed.
"Never…anyone…" he sounded pathetic even to himself.
Edward sniffed again and his voice trembled a little,
"Y-yeah…"
Roy wasn't convinced…Edward didn't sound very convincing either.
But he was too scared to insist…in case Edward changed his mind,
"Go take a shower…I'll be up soon." He mumbled.
He heard Ed sniff but he'd already looked away and then he heard hurried footsteps, Edward practically ran out of the lounge and up the stairs.
Roy blinked his eyes and a few tears finally slipped over his cheeks, he knew he was pathetic, he knew he was lowering himself to knew esteem-less levels and some part of him knew he'd never be able to trust Edward again.
He wiped the few tears away and stared at his shaking hand…somehow…none of those things could change his mind.
That night once they were in bed, Roy initiated sex with Edward, which he hadn't done in a while.
When he kissed Edward he felt the hesitation, when he touched Edward's naked body he was tense and apprehensive underneath Roy's hands. As he entered him, feeling the laxness of Ed's muscles he knew he was torturing himself by doing this but he also knew it made Edward unhappy.
The times before when Roy hadn't known any better, Edward had always said he was too tired and passed over sex…but not tonight.
It had only been an hour ago or so probably that another man had been fucking Edward…his body was still pliant and accepting.
So Roy fucked him angrily.
And Edward clung to him and didn't dare complain.
When it was over and Roy had found his release he lay on his back staring at his bed canopy while Edward lay breathing quietly beside him, Ed hadn't come, but Roy didn't care right then.
It was probably the worst way to begin this new chapter in their lives.
All the same, minutes later he felt Edward shift and roll over to lie along his side, pressing his face into Roy's neck and placing a kiss there.
Roy swallowed back a lump in his throat as he turned his face and placed a half kiss on Edward's cheek from the awkward angle before he rolled onto his side to face him and wrapped his arm over Edward, pulling him close and kissing his lips, once, twice…a few more times before finally settling like that to sleep.
Yes, Roy loved Edward…and he just felt lucky to have him.