Title: Rules to Dating my Teenage Daughter
Rating: T for Freddy's foul mouth when on rants, and I rthink he's probably OOC
Summary: Basically our favorite dream demon comes up with a list for all the boys attracted to his beautiful daughter Katherine. Abide them and maybe you won't die on the first date...
RULES TO DATING MY DAUGHTER
Dear Dumbass,
Let me re-state that;
Dear Walking Dead Man,
Okay FINE I'll be reasonable.
Dear Boy,
Only because I do not care to learn your name, for now. If you're reading this, well then wise-crack looks like you're the knight who's captured my daughter's heart. Well then, I'm the cop who catchs no good thieves like you.
Yeah yeah, good ahead and laugh at that corny pun. I hope you know exactly who I am, beause I'm the guy infamous for punching out one of these while killing punks like you. Better remember my name there kid, you'll be screaming it to everyone else. Oh sure, I've seen you kids pull this all the time- thinking if yo can just 'smile and wave' for your strategy, grab Katherine and rush out ASAP then you're in the clear.
Not so fast bud, I'm Freddy Fucking Krueger. I'll find you in your dreams and make certain to check twice there shall be no Freddy Jrs. arriving in a little unexpected bundle from my princess and that it's your responsibility. And look, I get that some kids your age can ct quite maturely and handle things well like an adult like me handling your medical bill after I destroy you for so much as even getting to what you kids call 'third base'.
Anyways, if you are reading this- then it sees you are happily about to go on your merry way with my daughter. Well, for once I won't forbid only for the sake of my daughter's preserved happiness. Take care now, treat her right, and you two kids have fun...
Psh. Yeah right! Alright smartass, I can waste a paragraph here describing how I like to sharpen my knife claws for fun differently on each day of the week and make exceptions to guys like you, but I'm not. (They're very sharp though I'll say. Mighty fine for skinning, slicing, piercing, poking, breaking skin, slitting, cutting, stabbing...killing...) I'm going to go simple, only becuase seemingly right now Katherine excitedly talks high of you.
Yeah there's a good reason she doesn't talk of me. Not just because of embarassment, or the fact she desperately and constantly tries to forget about my because for that matter she really isn't a teenage anymore at all, or the fact I'm a former child murderer turned immortal demonic dream killer. Seriously, just asking- isn't that what you kids dig? ! Yeah! And how's my job so bad anyways? So what if I murdered Tina Gray, Rod Lane, Glen Lantz, those losers on the bus, Phillip Anderson, Jennifer Claufield, Taryn White, Will Stanton, Donald Thompson, Nancy Thompson, Roland Kincaid, Joey Crusel, Kristen Parker, Debbie Stevens, Sheila Kopecky, Rick Johnson, Dan Jordan, Greta Gibson, Mark Grey and...uh...some other people. That's like- not even ten, right? It's nothing really!
And by the way, that's not a question for you to answer Mr. Smarty-Ass-Pants-Honors-Kid. Overachievers annoy me, but you better have some brains. If I find out you fried them one way or one another worse than my face, than I'll be pounding your head with books until you get things right.
See? Katherine may think i'm a bit of a bad guy, but I'm just doing my duties as a Daddy. Aren't I just awesome?
That's a question you're meant to nervously grin and answer with an obvious yes. There is no 'or else', because you and I know for your sake there's no other choice but yes.
Look kid. Just abide by the following rules, and you and I will get along beautifully.
*** Ten Simple Rules ***
To Dating My Precious Katherine Krueger
(A Message Provided by her Daddy)
Rule #1
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
CONSEQUENCE:
I shall transform into whatever vehicle you possess, wrap the wires of the engine and other car parts deep into your skin and proceed to inject you with fuel- all while playing some music from my golden day you kids just never listen to.
Rule #2
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, in which that is something I can be reasonable with. My daughter is very beautiful, a practical Aphrodite to your catch. All shall remain fine and firm as long as you peer no lower at anything below the neck.
You are also on a time limit for that matter, no longer than five seconds is accepted for staring.
Now while you're slowly taking this in, you take notice of my lovely daughter's soft dark hair, glowing fair skin, and gleaming, sparkling eyes. How ever could you resist such a sight?
Well I'll lay it down for you. Keep your hands off of her Magnet Boy, or I'll remove them for you.
CONSEQUENCE
So you have all these sexual thoughts of her, eh? I know exactly how to deal with kids like you- so you better hope that's my daughter you're drooling over, or else her form will be replaced suddenly by- BAM! Me! And guess what? I'll you to a bed, and no it won't end in two of the following possibilties your mind may think, but instead I'll suspend you over the firey pits of Hell. Now how does that sound?
Rule #3
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off the hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
CONSEQUENCE
Needless to say there is far more to this punishment of course. Obviously your pants are so big, maybe they need some ironing to flaten it down then I suppose? Hm...you know what's better than some cheap old iron? My happy hot Boiler Room, all cornered with no escape so no pressure, heat, or people can escape.
Rule #4
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
If somehow you sneaky little bastard find the actual moment in time to get my daughter, let us get down to something straight. You BETTER be wearing top brand name condoms and not some cheap Ziploc in excuse or so help any little piece of you gets in my daughter (one in which can grow), and I'll slice a certain piece of you into 'little' pieces.
CONSEQUENCE
Do I seriously need to repeat what I just said? Fine. There are far scarier things out there in consequence for having sex than the possiblity of a pregnancy. One in fact is terrifying and blood-curdling it is unspeakable. This unholy and absolute foolish thing that could happen? It's called me finding out. In which the chances are called "I will".
Rule #5
I do not care about you for the given moment.
Nor do I like you.
Sorry, it's an automatic paternal instinct. Plus a murderous one too. (id I also mentio my knives are very sharp? I think I forgot. My knives are very sharp and are good for many uses...)
In order for us to get to know each other and do some gross father-future son-in-law bonding (And the only thing in relation f you and jewlery stores about rings will be your female family members buying mourning jewlery at your fueneral if you as so much break the rule above), we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.
Please do not do this. That is torturous for me. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early".
CONSEQUENCE
If instead of that magic word 'early' I get late, I'll make the word late itself magical- because it'll take a miracle itself for you to walk again once I'm through.
Rule #6
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Cheating is not even within the option, question, or slightest thought.
CONSEQUENCE
If you as so much make my daughter cry, I can make you cry by making your worst fears and nightmares become true. Need I continue?
Rule #7
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Or help me move a body? Wanna help spread my name around Springwood, that'd be a helluva nice favor.
CONSEQUENCE
If you're unamused by the timing it takes for my daughter to appear beautiful, then instead you shall endure the punishment of medieval torture. Relax honey, I'm a professional at this kind of crap- I'll slice your face up, burn it, stuff it with food or whatever I find on the floor, and turn it to paper in which I'll slice it up again.
See? Helps pass time and you'll look simply gorgeous honey.
Rule #8
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool or bench.
Places where there are no parents (Non Elm-Street parents at least- I hate dealing with those assholes), policemen (I will hate you if you form a friendship with Donald Thompson), or nuns within eyesight...well, the last one I'm uncertain. If ya see my mom do me a favor and screech for her to burn in Hell and proceed to flip the bird, admittedly you'll win bonus points from me.
Places where there is darkness- that's my territory bud.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, long romantic walks, lovey-dovey mood setting music, a candle light scene, Christmas love stories, magic, miracles or happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough for my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater made similar to mine like any Daddy would make- er- Loretta did it!, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat in a size XXXXXL.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay as long as they don't feature a certain tall, dark, ugly moronic Momma's Boy I had to deal with a while back (THANK GOD not a boyfriend of Katherine).
Hockey games are okay- again as long as within the audience or game itself one of the ones wearing a mask is a person I erm...ahem 'dislike strongly'. (Loretta's spirit has been nagging my ass yet again to use more appropriate language. Ugh. The things I do for love...)
Old folk homes are wonderfully perfect to me.
CONSEQUENCE
Proceed to have a date upon the bed or anything soft, as well as break rule number four as well, I know for certain afterwards you'll fall asleep. To your defense, you probably forgot because you were so enticed by my daughter's beauty you couldn't help yourself. In that case I shall happily remind you and go through all the rules.
There shall be no necessity to take my daughter to a place in which she will remove the slightest amount of clothes. It's the same as saying it may not be required for my to remove your limbs just yet.
Seriously, I may take a somewhat liking to you if you flip my mom off. I really am serious on that part.
Rule #9
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have sharp knives, a hidden place I can easily take you that is NOT the Boiler Room *wink*, sharp knives, a murderous history, dream powers, sharp knives, sharp knives, sharp knives, an awesome fedora, sharp knives, sharp knives, sharp knives, and did I mention sharp knives? If not I shall say so- I carry sharp knives.
CONSEQUENCE
You know, it just hit me I probably forgot to mention I have very sharp knives. They're very nice, I think you should come over and see them sometime. They can easily cut off the tongue of any liars...
Rule #10
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
As if you so much as make the slightest scar to my little daughter's precious heart, I shall do the same to you all over.
Not only would you have a scheuduled date with my daughter, but a following dream date with me bud so we can discuss whatever fail issues and problems you seem to have.
If things so much as start acting up, the demonic dream demon voices who gave me my immortality are in my head frequently to remind me to sharp my very sharp knives as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car for there is no need for you to come inside.
Oh, and the camouflaged face watching you from the window is mine.
CONSEQUENCE
Boy you most certainly don't want to break the motherload of this one of all things. This is the one rule that summarizes it all- I'll just make the consequence a nice little friendly surprise for you, just as my own fun dare to see if you'll try anything hilarious. Go on, try it. I dare you.
Alright, see? That wasn't so hard now, was it? Oh, and I have a few following questions as well that you are required to fill in as well. You know, just for the sake of it being necessary knowledge.
1. Do you have a good education?
2. Do you have any tattos, piercings, or scars I should know of or may see?
3. Do you have a criminal record?
4. If so, what did you do and why?
5. Are you a junkie?
6. Did you remember that I have sharp knives?
7. Are you what you kids call 'a jagger' or 'womanizer'?
8. Why are you attraced to my daughter?
9. Can you a read a clock- because I am VERY specific with timing?
10. Rate your table manners between one through ten.
11. Are you respectful?
12. I have sharp knives.
13. Yes I know that's not a question.
14. But do YOU have sharp knives? Mmm...?
15. What are your worst fears and nightmares?
16. Remember; I'm ALWAYS watching you. You ain't safe awake or asleep bud.
Hopefully this shouldn't be much of a difficult error for you. For starters, I hope you can even read dumbass but even I know Katherine wouldn't stoop that low after some guy.
So uh, hope you didn't have any trouble and hopefully no trouble WILL start, RIGHT? ! After all, remember.
I. Have. Sharp. Knives.
Now you two kids have fun! :)
Frederick 'Freddy' Charles Krueger
AKA my sweet little darling princess Katherine's daughter.
Hope you enjoyed! I had a lot of fun making this! Personally I feel awful sorry for the boyfriend LOL. :P Please review!