Hellooooo guys,I'm trying to make this a multichapter so just ask me if i should make more chapters, I also wrote it with Skipping Stones from Claire de Lune on repeat, it really has so much meaning to me, try to read it with that song and you'll cry, I promise. Enjoy!

I'm impatient, and right now this cannot be more frightening than ever, I'm pale, I haven't had my period for about 3 months, and I feel weak, I get out of the small bathroom of my dorm room at my Uni, Toby's sitting right there, looking panicked, I know he's trying to play it cool for me, but I know him so well, I sit right next to him on my bed and curl up, shaking as anxiety rises through my entire body. I throw my phone impatiently waiting for what might happen in 3 more minutes. Both of our lives are about to change completely, but we just don't want to accept that fact. When Toby takes a sip of his coffee I lost it, my eyes could not focus on anything anymore, everything I had on my mind was, What's going to happen to us? Is this the life we were planning for?

Who would have thought, Dear Mrs. Perfect Spencer Hastings will be so broken in this exact moment, I don't say this often; but the smartest people will repeat their problems so many times in their heads, they will break eventually. I look at him, stare deeply into his eyes, I'm trying to read him so hard, but his expression is irresolute. We both stay quiet, I really don't know for how long we have been waiting, it seemed like years but in real life were seconds, the anxiety was eating us both alive.

"How long does this take?" Toby says while he's shaking his leg, I could not understand his tone, is he upset? is he worried?, I just realized my face is wet, tears were falling down.

"Three minutes, says on the package." I said trying to sound strong but failing easily.

He's not looking at me, my eyes burned when more tears threatened to fall down my cheeks. He's staring at the floor and I examine him, Is he containing his emotions? Why is he doing that? Did he just forgot I'm Spencer? the girl that has been his high school sweetheart? the only girl he has ever loved? Everything we have been through and he does not trust me enough to cry in front of me?

He left his coffee on my desk and stares at me, I try to fake a smile but I started to sob.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Toby says concerned.

"Talk about what?"

"What we're gonna do if-" I cut him off without even noticing, I know my smart mind was playing tricks and I lose control of the words I was saying.

"Toby, I'm a sophomore and I'm having hard enough time juggling exams" I sounded rude, I didn't meant to, I just wanted to be sincere.

"I know." he nodded.

"And you don't even live in the state."

"I know but I… could apply for a transfer.." He's trying to find a solution to a problem with no exit.

"AND WHAT YOU'RE GONNA MOVE INTO MY DORM ROOM?" I'm starting to feel like a bitch, why am I doing this so hard for him? He looked at me with eyes full of hurt.

"You don't have to say it like that.." he looked down and I could see tears coming down his eyes.

"Like what?" I snapped.

"That living together will be such a horrible thing." He shook his head.

"In this context,it would be, I'M SORRY but it would!." I said facing the real facts.

"You're talking about this like it would ruin our lives. I mean isn't this what we were planning for? eventually…?" I stayed quiet for a minute, and I was lost in my thoughts and memories.

-Flashback-

Toby stood from my bed and comes closer to me.

"If we had a real baby… what would it look like?" He grabs my arms protectively, I chuckle knowing that it won't even happen because I'm a virgin, and we agreed we have to wait, it will happen eventually but I'm scared of it, I laugh at that thought.

"I'm picturing a newborn with…. a sixpack!" he laughs at my comment and kisses me softly, while i keep running my fingers up and down his abs over his shirt. He treats me like I'm made of crystal, and even if I don't say it out loud, I love it when he treats me so careful.

-End of Flashback-

"I… I don't know, I really…. I hadn't really thought that for ahead, I haven't even made up my mind about grad school.." I said lost in my thoughts.

"Well have you.. have you made up your mind about me?" Oh now i'm pissed, this isn't about him, I'm not depressed because him, I wouldn't blame him for what's happening inside of me right now. Is he really just worried about that? He's the only one I've ever loved, I've ever made love with and he thinks I'm having doubts about him?.

"Don't make this about something that it isn't." He swallows really hard and nervousness wins him. He started to sob so softly.

"And what about you? I'M NOT THE ONLY PERSON HERE WHO HAS PLANS! YOU KNOW! YOU SAID THAT YOU WANTED TO QUIT THE FORCE AND YOU SAID THAT YOU WANTED TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL!" I started to scream, It's not all about me, I might be the one who will face more consequences but we're all in this together.

"That was your idea! not mine, And that was only because being with a cop isn't good enough for YOU!" good enough for you, those words kept repeating in my head and now i feel really guilty is this the way he has been feeling lately? that he's not good enough for me?

"I've never said that! OKAY? I just I don't know I thought that maybe you wante-"

"MORE?" He cut me off, and that just made my heart broke into a million pieces. I had a deep pain in my chest and I had the urge to scream, but only sobs could get out of my mouth.

"Can we please not do this right now? This is really hard." My voice almost fell while saying that, he cried and said softly.

"I'm sorry, I'm not trying it to make it harder.."

"It's just I feel like when we're picturing our future together..

We're not looking at the same picture anymore…" he looked down and then scared of how I may react he looks deeply into my eyes trying to find some emotion out of my bloodshot eyes.

I stand quickly and run inside of the bathroom locking myself inside. He ran beside me but i threw the door at his face, I slided my back and started to cry my eyes out. He knocked really hard.

"Spencer! Open the door! SPENCER!" I'm having a panic attack, and i don't know what to do, I am looking at myself in the mirror and I'm afraid of who I'm becoming, I take the pregnancy test that had a pink plus sign and throw it with anger across the room, that girl looks nothing like me; she's broken, her eyes are lost and screaming for help. I keep hearing Toby knocking hard ,desperate but I'm too distracted by looking at my reflection. I am crying because of pity, I look for my anxiety pills,I have stopped taking them since senior year, but the pain didn't go away, my chest feels like it's going to burst out anytime, I start to take 1, then 2, then 3…

"Spencer please don't do this" Toby is crying at the other side of the door.

"That baby needs us… it's growing inside of you Spencer, and we made it…" his sobs are even harder. I stopped and covered my mouth I scream loudly and let all of my pain go away. I look at my reflection at the mirror and break it with my own fists.

Toby breaks in and holds me close, I am shaking; my anxiety is beating me; I'm scared and It's all because of that girl I saw in the mirror, that's not me.

"How do you keep going when the worst thing has happened?" I say softly but with anger, I feel a little bit dizzy.

"You really think that having a child is the worst thing that will ever happen to us?" He looks mad.

I feel nauseous not sure if it's because of the baby that is growing inside of me or it's because I have been crying my heart out for an hour now.

"No. The worst thing that has happened is that I can't even recognise myself in the mirror anymore."

Toby knows me, more like he knows himself. He hates to look at me like that, I seem so vulnerable to him.

"I understand Spencer, but we're both lost in our paths, we have to guide ourselves back and we won't be able to do that if you keep thinking that about yourself!"