CHAPTER - 9
From: Christian Grey
Subject: Honeymoon
Date: August 4 2011 01:30 BDT
To: Dr. John Flynn
I never knew what honeymoons were for. I just mean that I thought we always had great sex, but some of our sessions have been mind-blowing. I've slept more these last few days than in my entire life. My wife is insatiable and she is wearing me out.
I'm a happy man.
I wish I could always be this happy.
No bad dreams just blue skies for the two of us. Thanks for tips on what do and see in Jolly Old London Town. Everyplace I go I tell them Dr. John Flynn sent me. Got to go, Ana is ready for lunch and you know what that means? I get dessert.
Christian Grey
CEO & Happy, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.
From: Dr. John Flynn
Subject: Honeymooners
Date: August 04 2011 08:02 PDT
To: Christian Grey
Sounds like you are having fun in my old stomping ground. I do miss London and I'm completely jealous that you are there and I'm not. I must say that you are as bad as your mother about having a party. Rhian was high all day Sunday thinking about what a wonderful time she had since you cut out halfway through the party.
The Greys are Party Planners extraordinaire.
Christian you really do deserve to be happy even though you don't believe it. If Anastasia lifts your gloom for an afternoon then I'm happy, but she seems to lift it all the time now. Be happy and enjoy yourself.
Don't be on the phone all the time!
John
From: Christian Grey
Subject: I love Paris
Date: August 09 2011 20:45 FDT
To: Dr. John Flynn
I love Paris. Even as a fucked up teenager I loved Paris.
We've just spent the day walking the Left Bank. Also went to some fashion houses and the Louvre, but today is just walking, eating, and being the young couple in love that we are. There has been no press, and no one seems to know who we are.
I think I'm getting to know Ana. She is much happier here than at the Escala. I'm still afraid that I'm not enough man for her. Then every day she proves that she is more than enough woman for me.
Ana is adventurous and Taylor with his two new twin cohorts Gaston and Philippe had to be quick to keep up with her.
I was shocked to see Gail walking the streets of London like she owned them. I must admit Taylor has been a happy man. I guess good sex will do that to you.
I need to find Ana. I know she has her nose buried in a manuscript. She has been almost as bad as I have when it comes to work.
Christian Grey
CEO Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.
From: Dr. John Flynn
Subject: You can have Paris
Date: August 09 2011 12:23 PDT
To: Christian Grey
I have never understood why people think the French are so neat with their whimpering smiles and limp handshakes. I must admit that the food is good, but give me a London pub over a French café any day. But of course, you can speak fluent French and with your beauty you would fit right in. Being a wine snob doesn't hurt either.
I would not be surprised if the two of you came home in berets. I'm in another down mood; one of my patients had to be admitted to the hospital. I think I can help everyone and I know I can't. I always take it as a personal failure when my methods don't work.
Don't write back. You're on your honeymoon and tonight just give me a cheer with a glass of good wine. If you need to send me a case or two just as a cheer-me-up gift, it would be greatly appreciated.
Carry on with your honeymoon and merry making.
Cheerio John
The next afternoon Ana and Christian went wine shopping. By the time they were finished, they had three cases to ship home, two to John and one to the Escala. Ana realized the joy Christian feels in giving to people. Now she knew that's what made him such a good philanthropist.
From: Christian Grey
Subject: Arson
Date: August 17 2011 23:45 FDT
To: Dr. John Flynn
My world has gone dark as I now know that the fire at Grey House was arson. I mean when Charlie Tango went down I knew it was sabotage. I kept security high just because I felt there was more to come. Now I don't know if Ana can be protected. Someone is really out to get me and what will I do if Ana gets hurt in the mix? I would rather die than watch her get hurt again.
Although I was really pissed at her the other day when she took her top off on the beach and then fell asleep exposing her breasts for all to see. I love that woman, but going topless in public is more than I can bear. What if the paparazzi had taken photos of her? I gave her hickeys all over her breasts so she couldn't or wouldn't do it again.
John, please talk me down off the ceiling as we cruise on the Fair Lady on the Cote d'azur. What am I to do? Can money really buy protection or am I wasting my time, money, and effort?
I need to reassure my love that things are fine.
Christian Grey
CEO Grey Enterprises Holdings and Arson Inc.
From: Dr. John Flynn
Subject: Arson
Date: August 17 2011 05:02 PDT
To: Christian Grey
First - what an arrogant asshole you are! How did Ana react to hickeys on her chest? They used to be called love bites, but that is the opposite of what they actually are. How dare you, Fuck Head!
Now that my ire is contained, I'll act like your fucking psychiatrist, Christian, I'm so sorry that arson has touched your life. Grey House is in all of the papers here. It should be off the front page when you return. You're doing the best you can protecting Ana. Don't smother her just try to be as open and honest as you can. You don't want another scene like you had in my office by withholding things from her.
I know when you get in these situations, fear takes over instead of your usual cool logic, but nothing you can do beyond what you are doing will protect Ana any more than she is already.
You know how to beat up your fear and toss it back in the closet. But not telling Ana the truth makes her more vulnerable. I'm sure you don't want that. Come see me when you get home 4:30 is still yours."
John
From: Christian Grey
Subject: Thanks
Date: August 18 2011 06:47 FDT
To: Dr. John Flynn
You really can chew my butt off. I needed it as usual. By the way, she threw a hair brush at me. I hate leaving any marks on her beautiful skin and why I did that is beyond me. You would say I did that because I could. Next time she will aim the hair brush higher or God forbid – lower!
I will see you Monday, John. Have a good weekend.
Christian Grey
CEO Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.
Christian had beenbombarded with work and people since arriving at Grey House. He called Andrea and said, "I'm going to make a phone call, and I'll be out of action for thirty minutes. Just take messages, and please prioritize them. Andrea, you were so cool during the fire and I rely on you too much. I'm increasing your salary by ten percent. When you see me next, have the forms filled out for my signature."
Andrea tossed back her blonde hair with happiness. "Mr. Grey, thank you for your faith. I was just doing my job, which I must admit I'm very well compensated for. Thank you again, Sir."
His next call was to Flynn. "Hi, Addie, this is Christian, would you please put me through?"
"I hope your honeymoon was wonderful. Wishing you and Mrs. Grey continued happiness. Sorry for your loss at Grey House."
"Thank you, Addie, I always appreciate kindness." He could feel her smiling through the phone.
"John, you're not going to believe what happened yesterday afternoon after the rain stopped. Ana and I were in such good moods after seeing my family that I let her drive my Audi R8. I told her if she dented it, I would spank her. You know R8 is like another lover to me, but I'm into sharing now. Sawyer was heading up our security team and he let some Dodge van get in between the R8 and their SUV. Sawyer called and asked who was driving, and I told him Ana. He told me the van behind us had stolen plates. I was fucking freaked out because this was Ana's first time driving such a powerful car. After a mile or so, Sawyer told me that Ana had to drive faster to try to lose the van. It was awful to tell her that we were being pursued by unknown people in the van. She had already seen the van in the rearview mirror."
"Look, Christian, I need to know if everyone is alright then please go on with your story."
"John, my friend, my dear, dear friend, everyone is fine and we made it home in one piece."
"Whew!" John blew out his breath into the phone.
"We made it over the water on the 520 bridge, and Ana cranked up the speed. My God is this woman good. Then on I-5 she was going at least eighty-five, as assholes would try to ride in the fast lane. She calmly asked me where the headlights were so she could flash the sucker in the fast lane. When that didn't work, she smoothly moved across three lanes of traffic, maintaining her speed. Some people even flipped her off. The van was in full pursuit as we drove off Stewart Street, the van sped up to one hundred and ten miles an hour. Ana remained calm, ran red lights on my command, and we ducked into a public parking lot and hid. The van passed us by and then cruised by the Escala. All this was being relayed by Sawyer, who was still in hot pursuit."
"Ana fell apart when she turned off the car. Her tears flowed. We ended up having sex in the car just to calm our nerves. My God, John, is there anything that woman can't do? She put on such a brave front, and then executed every order I gave her. She is strong in a crisis, and you're right - I can't protect her. When we got back to Escala, she told me I could buy her a white R8 for her birthday. Come to think of it, I better order it now."
"Bloody fuck, Christian, I think a dozen cars are in order. Do you often have sex in public parking lots?"
"No, another first with Mrs. Grey; I drove back home after that."
"Do you have any news about the fire at Grey House?"
"Another first again, John, it was Ana who recognized her former boss, Jack Hyde, from gritty surveillance images that were taken in the computer room. I think she studied her boss a little too much while she worked for him but, in the end, her memory served us well. Like I said, John, this woman knows no bounds."
"You better be thankful you are married to her now. I bet the entire time she was speeding in Seattle; her only thought was keeping you safe. You're really out of your league with her, aren't you?"
"John, I'm in love, and she astounds me at every corner. I never knew life could be so challenging and move so fast. As always, I will try to catch you later. You have helped keep my head on straight. Thanks."
"Christian, just take a few deep, cleansing breaths before you tackle the world. Talk to you soon, bye."
August 23, 2011,"Thanks, Anastasia, formeeting me for lunch I know this is only your second day back at work after your honeymoon, but I had to talk about Christian."
"Dr. Trevelyan-Grey, of course, I would meet you for lunch."
"Since you're my daughter-in-law, don't you think you can call me Grace? I went ahead and ordered salad and iced tea. I just needed to talk to you about Christian."
"What do you want to know about Elena, Grace? I know how devastated you were the night of Christian's birthday party. Then I knew before the wedding you wanted to talk to me. I'll try to help you understand, but I don't completely understand myself."
The waiter appeared with two chicken Caesar salads. Ana took a bite and waited for Grace to talk.
"How much damage do you think Elena did to Christian, and do you think Dr. Flynn has helped?"
Ana paced herself by eating the salad. Then she took a cool sip of iced tea. The iced tea was strong, but Ana was not going to make a fuss in front of her mother-in-law.
"Elena did real damage to Christian. First, it was his birth mother with all that terrible abuse and neglect, but Elena was more insidious than that. Pedophiles have no idea about the harm they cause their victims. Christian was probably out of control at that age but very few of us are in control at fifteen. Christian who was already wounded and vulnerable, she gave or forced him to be in control, mainly by controlling his sex. I hate to be so blunt. That is why at twenty-eight, he is still that fifteen-year-old boy emotionally, before Elena got her claws into him."
She stopped talking and went back to eating.
"I know you know more than you are telling me, and part of me doesn't want to know. Elena, I never thought of as a child molester until that night. I knew she liked them young, but I was thinking twenty-one instead of fifteen. Why did it work out with you and Christian? What about Flynn?"
"Dr. Flynn until I met him, I thought he was a high-priced charlatan. I think he has helped Christian, not only with his therapy, but also with his friendship. Christian has no male friends. They are more like very good friends than doctor/patient. He trusts John and his family, and I have to tell you, Christian trusts no one, not even me at times. Flynn told me that Christian wanted me more than his lifestyle. It was hard to believe at first and after a really ugly incident, I left him. We were apart almost a week and, when we got back together; he told me that he wanted me without any coping mechanisms. We have had terrible fights and great times making up. Oh, I love your son, and sometimes I wish I didn't, but I can't help myself with Christian."
Grace had finished her salad and placed her fork and knife across the plate.
"I liked you, Ana, from the first day I met you. I think I interrupted what was going on in the bedroom. (Ana blushed.) You have such a sweet, quiet charm about you. And what you have done for Christian makes my heart sing. You have given my son the one thing he never had before - intimacy. He is growing in ways I thought were beyond him. The night he went missing, and Christian pulled you into his lap while the family was there, we knew he had changed. It was Elliot who said on the elevator going down, "if Ana has that kind of effect on Christian, then we should be welcoming her into the family." When did he ask you to marry him?"
Ana had finished half of her salad and was done.
"Christian and I had a terrible fight on June 15, with more revelations about his past and how fucked up he was. Please excuse me." Grace waved her hand as she was listening intently. "Christian has always been terrified that I will leave him again and, after tears, harsh words, and reassuring words, he asked me to marry him. I have to say that I laughed in his face. He just told me horrible things, cried, and then begged me not to leave him. It was the height of absurdity, and laughing turned out to be cathartic. Then I had the gall to tell him it was a terrible proposal."
"My son can be dramatic at times." The waiter showed up and Grace fished out a credit card from her purse and handed it to him. "So when did you say yes?"
"The next day when I could still drive without bodyguards, I went to a tourist shop and bought a flashing key chain; one side blinked "Seattle," and the other programmed with a "YES." I planned to give it to him on his birthday. Then I remembered we saw Dr. Flynn the next night, and I gave him his birthday present before we went into Flynn's office. Then Charlie Tango went missing. My prayers were answered when he walked into the foyer. After the family left and we were alone, I let him open his birthday present, and the rest is history."
The waiter came back with her credit card.
"I'm going to ask if Christian is a good lover since you might be his only one, other than Elena!"
Ana choked, while sipping on her iced tea with her eyes watering.
"Sex with Christian Grey is beyond wonderful, but then you know I have had no other experience than him." Ana thought if only Grace knew what her son was capable of with sex, she would not be able to think or breathe; Anastasia thought as her cheeks flushed scarlet.
"Thank you for your candor. I didn't mean to embarrass you, with these probing questions but, after the revelation about Elena and then your fast wedding, I just wanted to know if you were both alright."
"Grace, we are trying. Not everything is perfect, and Christian can go ballistic if he thinks that we are in danger, but I'm learning to cope with his mood swings and his problems. But Christian can be so sweet and romantic, like the night of his birthday. We spent the night in the boathouse surrounded by flowers, and he gave me my engagement ring on bended knee. He can be so loving."
Grace stood up and said, "We should make this a monthly lunch date. Thanks again, my dear. You have put my heart at ease." She gave Anastasia a kiss, and then they went to their waiting bodyguards.
Christian said as he entered Flynn's office,"John, I'm beginningto think that coming to your office is like the movie, Groundhog Day. Every day is the same, yet I have new news and new challenges. Yesterday was a battle royal when it came to Ana changing her name to Grey at work."
Christian sat in one of the winged chairs, and John sat on the couch. He was there so often that he changed seats constantly. John's office only had windows on one wall, from where they were seated they could not look out. Christian often missed the view from his office that looked out on the expanse of Seattle.
"Sorry, I was just drifting off. I know our time is my money, and I should keep focused. How can so much happen in a day like yesterday? Oh yeah, changing her name. She wanted to keep her independence at work. I had to spill the beans before I wanted to about changing the company name from Seattle Independent Press to Grey Publishing. I want her to run the company, and I was giving her the company as a wedding present. She resisted, telling me she was incapable of running a company. Hell, if she can out chase the bad guys at a hundred miles per hour through the streets of Seattle, she is capable of running a publishing company. She finally capitulated when I threatened to fuck her in her office."
"Christian, your bulldozer tactics often seem to come back and bite you in the ass. I don't know how she puts up with you, but that is her problem now that she has married you."
"Do I hear resignation in your voice, Dr. Shrink?"
"No, we all make choices, and she has chosen to put up with your bullshit. What happened next? By the way nice, haircut."
"Speaking of haircuts, she cut my hair. Like I said, she knows no boundaries. She did a great job, and we had great sex in between cuts. She walked out of our bedroom to find Mrs. Jones and Taylor in an embrace. She was shocked. Taylor saw her in nothing but my shirt. They both were embarrassed. I don't know when she will get comfortable around the staff."
"Anastasia is a multi-talented woman. I know you fell for her without sex, and then sex; and now haircuts. Is there anything that woman won't do for you?"
"The only things she won't do for me are let me beat the shit out of her and OBEY."
"If I were you, I would never forget that."
"Then Gia, the architect, came over and we looked at the plans for the new house. I told Ana to ensure that Gia had incorporated our vision of charm into the design. After all, if she doesn't want cutting-edge minimalism, then she should tell Gia exactly what she wants. At one point, Gia put the moves on me, even touching me. Ana became a green-eyed monster and, when Gia touched me, I thought she was going to self-combust. I told Gia that Ana was in charge of the project, and whatever she wanted was hers."
Christian got up for water and asked John if he wanted any; he shook his head.
"When Taylor called me into the office and I returned, things were different. It was no longer Christian and Ana, it was Mr. and Mrs. Grey. I know Ana said something, even though she told me she didn't, but Gia was not the same."
"Just as I suspected, Christian, Ana is now your protector. She can drive fast cars, give haircuts, and probably fuck your balls off all at the same time. What a remarkable woman," he smirked.
Christian leaned back in the chair and smiled for John's description of Ana was tantalizingly pleasant.
"What else happened yesterday after you called me?"
"Um, like what I told you wasn't enough? Things are crazy at Grey House. Security is high, and the staff is on edge. I know that I'm over-protective of Ana and my family, but I also feel the added burden of my employees. I don't know how I would feel if someone got injured or killed by this cocksucker Hyde if he came after me. I know those are 'what ifs' and we only deal in facts and feelings, but my mind does drift off there from time to time."
"Christian, I understand what Ana loves about you is your caring nature. You always used to claim that you did not have a heart. But now, even in the depths of your over-protectiveness, you care about some forty-thousand people who work for you. You have to remember not everything is in your control."
John continued, "I know that you offered Ana the company as a prize, something you wanted for her. You fail to realize what you want for people may not be what they want for themselves. You've only been with Ana since May, and now it's August. You like doing things ass backwards anyway, but you need to talk before you act. Ana keeps being hit by your big ideas. She has her own dreams to fulfill, and she can't always be fulfilling yours. Wasn't there something in your glorious wedding vows about honoring each other's dreams?"
"Not you too, Ana has used those vows as a weapon to get what she wants, usually information."
Christian stood up and said, "As always, you have given me something to think about. Will you be at the Seattle Mental Health Coalition dinner tomorrow night?"
"Yes, if I remember correctly, we're going to be seated at the same table. You're always very generous. I'll see you tomorrow night. Rhian is looking forward to seeing you both. She really likes you, Christian. The four of us should go out to dinner soon. You know we have a very unconventional relationship."
"I know, John; you are so much more to me than my doctor. I think you're my best friend, and someday I'll stop using your help and start seeing you solely as my friend."
"Until that day, my door is always open."
Christian was at the door and about to open it when he looked back at John. John looked up and said, "Something else?"
Christian shut the door and moved back into the room. "Yes, yesterday I told Ana that she could take out her anger on my body when she got home. Later she told me that meant she could tie me up. I told her I didn't know how I felt about that. But I know exactly how I would feel. I would be back in Elena's clutches. How do I tell her I can't go back to being a submissive, any more than I can go back to being a dominant?"
"I don't think all those demons from your past have been conquered. Just try to be honest. She may not know what she is asking you to do. Christian, the more you talk to her, the stronger the relationship will become. You have been working hard on yourself since Ana came into your life, and the more time you spend together, the more time you have to figure things out. Not all questions are answerable at any given moment. Relax and go home."
Christian hung his head in shame even thinking about Elena. By the time he got to the elevator, his mood had brightened.
John combed his hair back with his fingers and sat at his desk, wondering how he became such good friends with Christian. He remembered two and half years ago, when the cocky confident, beautiful man with copper hair and smoldering gray eyes, Christian Grey, came walking tall into his office. "I saw you last week at the Seattle Mental Health Collation dinner. Someone mentioned you do a new form of therapy, or at least new to me. I've had all kinds of shrinks shrink me. I'm in need of help and, if you're up for a challenge we should set up an appointment." John was going out to lunch, and Christian joined him.
Like others who had gotten to know Christian, John wanted to protect him. He was so beautiful and vulnerable, but he was sure that most people could not see through his carefully constructed house of mirrors. He kept his file on Christian in a special place. If anyone broke in, they would get no information on the Christian Grey. Certainly none of his other patients had such life-breaking secrets.
That night at dinner, Ana said to Christian, "Had lunch with your mom. She asked me how our sex lives were, since you're so inexperienced."
He laughed out loud before he became serious and asked, "What did you say?"
"Something like, you're adequate, what did I know since I was so inexperienced. But of course they already know that!"
"Later, after dinner if you like, I'll show you how adequate I can be. I wouldn't want to spoil my reputation."
"That is what you get when you let your parents believe that you are not only gay, but celibate. Come to think of it, Christian, for them, when I just pranced into your life and took away not only your celibacy, but your gayness, it must have been a pretty big shock." He smiled.
The next night John bent down and said, "Ana, you lookexquisite tonight." She was dressed in her favorite pale pink halter dress; the one she had worn to the rehearsal dinner."
"John, no wonder Christian likes you, with all your flattering bullshit. I'm fine, and you look pretty sharp yourself with the red bowtie, Sir. You must tell me your secret for making Christian happy. But if you sit down, I want to ask you how you feel about handguns."
"Ana, Christian has already told me about his gun tote'n mama, but I'm from England where no one has guns except hunters and landowners which, I might add, all are registered. I see your husband wants his seat."
Christian sat down. "I can't turn my back for a minute, and you're out badgering my shrink for information. John really respects you, at times more than me," he smiled, "but I think most sane, rational people would prefer you to me."
When Mia and Ethan showed up Mia said, "Thanks for the tickets, Christian; are you already planning Ethan's future?"
"No, Mia, but if he's going to be in the mental health profession, he should get to know the players in the area. I must admit with your beauty and our name, Sis, you're a magnet to draw all the important people to him."
Mia shook her raven bobbed hair that matched her short black cocktail dress and sat down next to Rhian.
Ana learned more about mental health that night and felt comfortable talking to different people who would try to make connections to Christian. He had such a mind to remember their names or, if he couldn't, he would ask in the most non-offensive way. Christian was a smooth operator and charmed the panties off half the women there, but the only panties he wanted off were Ana's, which she was wearing.
As they were getting ready for bed, Christian said, "I know I'll be away a day and half, but I have something to say." Ana went to bed, making room for him. "You wanted to tie me up, and I told Flynn. He told me to be honest, so here it goes. I don't know if I'll ever be able to let you tie me up, it will take me right back to being a submissive. Or maybe it would take me back to being a dominant. I have just become used to touching, and even having the desire to have you touch me, and I don't want anything to screw that up. Is that honest enough for you?"
"Christian, I was thinking it would be playful not shameful for you. I just want you without rules, regulations, or devices. We should have put that in our wedding vows. You know that is much more powerful than obey."
He smiled at her turned off the light, and then kissed her sweet full lips to sleep.
From: Christian Grey
Subject: Ana and Hyde
Date: August 26 2011 05:23 PDT
To: Dr. John Flynn
What a fucking night; I came home because Ana defied me and went out drinking with Kate. Can't that woman ever do as she is told? I was so mad at her that I could have beat her senseless buy now she seductively asleep in front of me.
She is so beautiful and if anything happened to her, I would break in two. She came back to the penthouse right after Jack Hyde broke in, and he had a hell of a fight with Ryan.
She had been out drinking and was probably pretty tipsy when she came in to find the foyer trashed, and Jack Hyde was knocked out cold on the great room floor. I think she sobered up pretty quickly. Of course, she knew how to handle herself, and then asked about Mrs. Jones who was just fine, although, just a little shook up. She asked them to call the police to get the fucker out of there. I wasn't here and, when I arrived in the middle of night everyone told me about Anastasias bravely. I was so overjoyed she was safe, but I was so enraged at myself.
Sorry, John, I've only had a couple of drinks, but I'm fucked up. You're right to say I couldn't protect her. I'm outraged that I was not here and enraged that she did not OBEY me. She makes me feel impotent and makes me doubt my own judgment. I'm too fucking angry to write anymore. Could you fit me in today, or maybe we could do lunch and continue this.
I hate being out of fucking control.
Christian Grey
CEO & Angry as hell, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc
From: Dr. John Flynn
Subject: Rage
Date: August 26 2011 08:02
To: Christian Grey
Lunch is on you at 12:15. Bring it or buy it - doesn't matter.
Go hit something other than Ana! Maybe a run or a workout will help. I hope she is going to work to get out of your clutches.
See you at 12:15.
John
Christian asked Gailto make a lunch and was there at 12:15. Addie must have been out to lunch.
He knocked politely, not barging in unannounced. John yelled, "Come in, Christian."
"How did you know it was me?"
"Like I made appointments with three people at the same time? I don't want to play your fucking games. Sit down. What did you bring me to eat?"
"You're a pretty demanding son-of-a-bitch." He said as he cocked his head to one side.
"Christian, at times your rage drags me down into your cesspool of hate and self-loathing where, frankly, I don't want to be. Why the fuck, are you so damn mad? Ana will never obey you. I don't know if I should have that tattooed on her forehead. She had drinks with a girlfriend. Tell me why that should upset you so. She probably had security she is not a stupid woman. Now I'm going to eat this delicious salad that Gail made, and you can explain yourself."
"Fuck, John, I thought you would have a little sympathy for me."
John said with his mouth full, "Sympathy for you, what the fuck for?"
"Because I almost lost her last night when I was in New York, and she had three security guards with her."
Christian abandoned talking and picked up his salad. When he was finished, he stood up and made them both coffees.
Placing the coffee next to John, Christian said, "I hate to be out of control, John. When I got home to find Hyde had tried to kidnap Ana, I was in a full-blown panic. My overriding emotion was hatred for the cocksucker. I could have kicked him to death so easily, it freaks me out. I felt like that out-of-control fourteen-year-old who wanted to beat the shit out of everyone and everything. How could I revert back there so quickly? Is my tormented past just under the surface ready to rear its ugly head when I get stressed out?"
"Have you talked with Ana?"
"Yes, but I could not bring myself to love her. She came into the shower and held me, and I turned into an ice cube. I wanted to melt when she touched me, but my damn self-control wouldn't allow it. I don't feel lost like when she left me, but I don't feel good either."
"Are you afraid that you are going to hurt her physically?"
"NO! I feel overwhelmed that I can't protect her."
"Hyde is in jail now; doesn't that make you feel better?"
"NO, because I know it's not over. I think he has an accomplice who still may be after us. I don't know if Ana knows that Hyde was out to kidnap her or maybe I said something this morning. I'm fuzzy about what I told her since I was so mad."
"Don't you think you should have kissed and held her, told her how much you loved her and, if something had happened to her, you would have moved heaven and earth to find her?"
"Probably, a non-fucked-up man would have done that. Why do I want to take out my revenge against Hyde on her?"
"Because you can."
"What do you mean, because I can?" He ran both hands through his hair and packed up the dishes into the bag that Gail had sent.
"Christian, you learned fourteen or fifteen years ago how to channel your rage by taking it out on your body or someone else's. You learned to channel your hatred for yourself into rage. You know all this. You have to find a way to calm your anger and not take it out on Ana. Do you think she is wondering if you still love her or did a small drink cause you to leave her? Neither of you are so self-assured in this relationship; with all of your insecurity and hers, neither one of you is sure the other won't leave. These feelings surface in the form of anger for you and the desire to flee for Ana. Don't hold back your fear from her. Don't make her solve your problems. Don't rely on her to love you. You have to show her by caring and touching. Don't leave her disappointed and alone. There is only so much she can take emotionally. You don't want her to reach her breaking point forcing her into a mental hospital like Leila? Ana would crawl over broken glass to save you from yourself."
"Now go home, Christian, my next patient will be here in ten minutes, and I need to take a leak. You're fine; just go home and relax. Hyde is in jail, Ana is safe, I hope, even from you. Go home, play the piano and relax. The sun is still out, and stars will be out tonight. The universe is safe, so just relax and love your bride."
"I heard the words, and now all I have to do is feel them. Thanks for seeing me."
Christian stood, and John said as he got to the door, "Please tell Gail that she cooks better than most restaurants. I'll expect an email from you in the morning."
Christian waved and opened the door to find Addie with another patient; Christian couldn't look at either one.
From: Christian Grey
Subject: Ana and Punishing Christian
Date: August 27 2011 03:02
To: Dr. John Flynn
John, I did try to relax before Ana came home. All she wanted to do was talk. I blindfolded her and fed her a wonderful dinner. We were getting along so well, and then I took her into the playroom. She wanted to go. This time it was the Red Room of Punishment. I did all the things to get her excited: tied her up and blindfolded her to make my advances more intense, then I became the Marquis de Sade. With my submissives, a punishing fuck was withholding orgasm. I teased her to the brink of orgasm several times; hell, as angry as I was it could have been twenty-five times. She safe-worded me, and I took her down immediately. I held her and wrapped her in a satin sheet. She wouldn't let me touch her highly sensitive skin. She told me to turn off the music, some terrible piece from Bach's Goldberg Variations. Then she wanted to talk some more.
Why did I torture her like that for having drinks with her friend, Kate? Why am I so fucking petty?
Ana told me to get a grip. When I did things to her I only felt shittier afterwards. She is right, of course. I told her all I knew about Hyde.
We fell asleep in the playroom not a place for me to sleep with all those demons in there. I had a nightmare that she was dead on a cold floor. It was terrifying. Ana woke me up, but I'm not sure that I was even awake until after I fucked her. I smothered her and then forced my way into her. I think it happened very quickly and if Ana had wanted to protest I probably wouldn't have heard it. When I finally woke up I asked if she was okay.
She had a big smile on her face. Thank God. Then I realized that she hadn't been satisfied all evening and I made her come, of course, once again satisfying myself.
Today we are going to Aspen with Elliot and Kate, Mia and Ethan. Ana is right she needs to spend more time with her friends. I just want to make her happy and when I make her unhappy my world gets small and dark.
Will I ever be the man I'm striving to be or will I always be an ex-sub or ex-dom continuing to fuck up Ana's life?
Monday?
Christian Grey
CEO Grey Enterprise Holdings, Inc.
CHAPTER -10
From: Dr. John Flynn
Subject: When will you LEARN?
Date: August 27 2011 08:02
To: Christian Grey
What can I say about your email? Ana STOPPED you from hurting her. You came to your senses after a terrible nightmare. I think you overreacted to her having a drink with a friend. I don't even have a clue what a punishing fuck is. But, of course, I have never lived your lifestyle.
You didn't hurt Ana, but you did hurt yourself. You gave yourself a nightmare. If you ask Ana, I bet she can tell you when you have nightmares. I suspect it's only after the two of you have had a fight. You can't remain sleep deprived the rest of your life. Sleep heals, restores, and helps to clear your head. Someday I hope you will consent to a sleep study!
Have fun in Aspen. Remember your goal is to love Ana, not punish her. Work toward your goal!
John
From: Christian Grey
Subject: Only a minute
Date: August 27 2011 01:30 MDT
To: Dr. John Flynn
I only have a minute before I go fishing with Ethan. Tonight Elliot is asking Kate to be his wife. The poor man is jumping out of his skin with fear of rejection. I'm under threat of secrecy not to tell anyone or Elliot might beat me. I think Kate has even made Ana a little nervous about her relationship with Elliot. Thank God, Mia took the girls shopping.
I'm trying John. It seems so much easier here in Aspen to be myself. Maybe moving is the right thing. Escala has too many negative memories. I want to feel good, but a few days of happiness is all I seem to get then I or someone else fucks up my life and I'm back to square one.
Will my life always be out of my control?
Hope you are having a good weekend.
Christian Grey
CEO Grey Enterprise Holdings, Inc.
From: Dr. John Flynn
Subject: Happiness
Date: August 27 2011 13:06 PDT
To: Christian Grey
Christian, you have to believe you deserve happiness. Remember this therapy is called Solution-Focused Brief Therapy for a reason; you are supposed to be focusing on a solution. If you want happiness then focus on being happy. The relationship with Ana is in its infancy. Even though you are married you are still adjusting to living as a couple. You're coming off of a lifetime of self-doubt and self-loathing. How do you expect to be changed completely in such a short time? I know you; everything comes with instant gratification, but life doesn't often work that way.
You are making great progress.
Please believe in yourself and the power of Ana's love.
Christian you will never be without problems or doubts; none of us is. You have not hit Ana since she came back to you.
You may have had the urge but you can control your urges. You can control your controlling ways.
I know in your head that you have the future mapped out. But life never works in a straight line.
There will be speed bumps and potholes ahead, maybe even a sinkhole or two.
Just remember only you can control how you react to things. Concentrate on what you want from life and more solutions will appear.
Have fun fishing. I'm jealous!
John – who is watching Cricket as I write!
From: Christian Grey
Subject: Partying in Aspen
Date: August 28 2011 02:45 MDT
To: Dr. John Flynn
Sometimes John or Dr. Flynn, I forget you are my therapist. You're right about concentrating on happiness.
I didn't caught anything, Ethan did.
He is a bright young man who is working on his masters in psychology and I think maybe in the future he will become my brother-in-law. Just the way he talks about my sister. I don't think he knows he is in love yet, much like I didn't know.
Is it good that I can recognize the signs in other people that I had myself?
The proposal went off without a hitch. Kate was blown away. Elliot was so tender and insecure. I have never seen him that way or at least I have never recognized it in him.
Ana was groomed by Kate to look like a fashion model wearing silver stilettos with a tiny short silver dress. She also did Ana's makeup. With her face painted it was hard for me to see Ana, but I have to admit that fashion model Anastasia was one hot babe!
John, you know my wife is very sexy and tonight she was even sexier.
The night was perfect until some guy at the nightclub put his hands on her. He was at least six-foot-eight, blond and smarmy. Ana slapped him once and he almost went to the ground. Of course, I overreacted and punched him once after I saw what had happened on the dance floor. Elliot held me so I couldn't hit the son-of-a-bitch again.
Ana brought me back to reality by rubbing her body on mine trying to get me to dance with her. My little fashion model is quite a woman. First calming my fears and then making me hot on the dance floor. I would have shown her my appreciation, but the altitude and the alcohol took its toll on Ana. She passed out and I'm watching her sleep.
I love to watch two things about Ana – watching her come and watching her sleep.
I will take your advice and concentrate on happiness.
Good morning John
Christian Grey
CEO Grey Enterprise Holdings, Inc.
Christian sent two business-related emails, and then felt the overwhelming need to sleep. Soon he was curled around Ana's body, as her scent invaded his nostrils lulling him to sleep.
Monday August 29Christian was waiting for John's last client to leave. John motioned Christian to enter.
"You look good, I think even a little relaxed. How do you feel?"
"My calves are a little sore from the hike yesterday. Ana was amazing to hike with; she almost matched me stride for stride up the mountain. It was so beautiful in the mountains, and the air was so light. She slept on the plane home. It was a good weekend."
"Only two things are bothering me instead of fifty. While we were having sex, I asked her to play rough and do anything she could to get me off her. She was up for the game. Things were going fine until…"
John gave him time and, when he did not say anything, John repeated until…what?"
"I guess I let down my guard, and she stopped playing. The next thing I knew she was straddling me and then took charge. It was unsettling for her to be in charge. She always asks when she makes love to me, but this time she took over and just fucked me."
"Christian, can't you even relinquish control long enough for her to have her way with you? Did you have an orgasm, and was it good?"
"That is what she did, had her way with me. Of course, I came and it was good, but her taking control is disquieting to me. Maybe I have just gotten used to being in control. She does have the right to enjoy my body as she wishes, but somehow I need my psyche to respond as much as my body."
"Do you think you can do that, Christian? Do you trust her when you're having sex?"
He rubbed his right hand through his copper hair, even messing it up more than usual. "I want to trust her, but part of me thinks she will cross some line. Not that she would hurt me, only that my anxiety would take over and make her stop giving me pleasure."
"What you're living is what you learned. Elena touched you in ways to control you. Ana doesn't want to control you. She wants to love you and, by showing you love, she wants only to give you pleasure. Just think how much better your orgasm will be if you could unwind into the pleasure she gives you. Just think what that orgasm would feel like, maybe even mind-blowing," he smirked.
"Ana has a list of her mind-blowing orgasms. If I like to see her come, then maybe she would like to see me have a mind-blowing orgasm from her."
"I think you are beginning to understand, Christian. Your sex before Ana was always about controlling the other person. I know you have told me that Ana will come on command, but I suspect it's your voice that's her undoing. She has no fear of being punished if she doesn't come on command like your submissives. You know all the tricks of sex, Christian, but for the most part you don't know the emotions of sex. That is what Ana is giving you each time you're together. She wants you to be emotionally exhausted after sex, not just physically. I would say most of the time, after she has found her release and then yours, you get up and go to work without a thought to her emotional needs. She wants to stay in your arms, fall asleep, and wake up in the same closeness."
Christian went to the fridge took out a water bottle, drained it, and put the bottle in the recycle bin. When he sat down he said, "So let me see if I've got this right, you're saying that my sex is physical, and I don't connect emotionally with Ana most of the time."
"Precisely, of course, Ana's mind-blowing list is probably the times you did connect emotionally. Ana has only had sex with you and probably doesn't know she is missing anything, She has learned all her sex from you."
"That is a terrible thought that my sex is the only sex she knows. I would go ballistic if she was touched by someone else, but that is not what you are talking about. You're saying, for her to be completely satisfied, and then I have to give her the emotions with sex."
"By Jove, I think he has got it. What's next on your list of fixable problems?"
"Same ol' same ol'. She wanted to know if I missed the caning and beating? I think she saw me pick up a garden cane or stake while I was walking the grounds in Aspen. I probably unconsciously was air caning someone. This was the first time I was calm and told her that I didn't miss it. Even the thought of doing that to Ana makes my stomach turn. I only have a riding crop and a soft suede flogger in the room. Both of those she enjoyed as I used them on her. Taylor disposed of canes, whips, belts, and paddles from the playroom. I just didn't want the temptation."
See you're making progress, Christian. You're building a life with Ana out of trust and mutual respect. Will you ever give Ana a punishing fuck?"
"No, I might punish her a little by not letting her come right away, but then I will always build her up so I can watch her fall apart in my arms leaning against my chest."
"Do you derive pleasure from her touching your chest?"
"Yes, a matter a fact, I now crave it. If you had told me four months ago, I would feel this way I would have called you crazy. I get your point. In another four months, emotions and sex may become one."
He looked at his watch and said, "Got to go, taking Ana to the American Shipbuilders Association Dinner. I have to make all those old coots jealous that Ana is my wife. This has been a very productive session. You still think I'm making progress, Doc?"
"Christian, if you weren't so driven to be complete, I would think you still have years of therapy ahead of you, but you want this therapy to work. You're taking my suggestions and making them work for you. You want to fit in. You don't want to be an outsider anymore. You want to hang out with us little people."
He smirked at Christian as he stood up and headed to the door, then turned around and said, "It's easy to fit in with a little person such as yourself."
John protested, "I'm only an inch shorter than the tall and mighty Christian Grey."
Tuesday September 6- Christianmarched into John's office unannounced. "Last night I desperately wanted to send you an email to bite your head off, but somehow my logical brain took over from my emotional brain. I'm so fucking pissed at you I could scream."
"You're doing a pretty good job of screaming without elevating your voice. I know about Leila's foray into Seattle. No one was hurt and, from what others told me, she was civil. You're the one who overreacted, running into Leila's carefully executed trap to see you. It's strange to me that you let someone like her, control you. Leila only wanted to see you and, when you refused, she did the next best thing, she went to see Ana."
"Oh no, please don't tell me that Ana was one of your spies. I only wanted to protect her from Leila and, like all of my good intentions, it backfired." Christian shrugged.
"It was not your wife. From what I understand, she stood her ground and felt you were belittling and badgering Leila. When will you learn that Ana can fight her own battles? You can't tell me that Ana doesn't have at least a morbid curiosity about your submissives and your past life."
"Yes, my Ana wants to know everything about my past, but I thought Leila would harm her. Instead by running over to SIP I made a fool of myself. Sometimes I want control over a situation more than anything, but running into a situation with no knowledge always makes me look and feel like an idiot. Ana made me confess later that I even had feelings for Leila. Ana knew that I wasn't in love with her, but I had caring feelings. Why does Ana drag my past out of me like that?"
"Because she loves you; Ana knows that you hide your secrets, and she'll always want to expose them to the light. How did you feel when you admitted that you cared for Leila?"
"Ashamed and guilty – I only want to love Ana and don't want my fucked-up past to taint her in any way, but I know it has. Admitting that I cared for Leila was an eye opener. First, it proves how much I love Ana, and it also proves that I was not as evil as I thought. I had feelings for Leila. Maybe she was the turning point. Not that I loved her or any of those feelings, but when she left, I felt hurt. And if I felt hurt, then I must have had feelings for her. Maybe she was the start of me changing."
"Christian, it's not important what kind of feelings you had for her. It's only important how you feel about her now."
"Since, she is back on her side of the country, I guess that I no longer have anger towards her; I have no feelings. I want Leila to be happy and healthy, and I have no ill will towards her but, on the other hand, I have no feelings. I wish her the best, but I don't want her here to remind me what a fucked-up son-of-a-bitch I am."
"Christian, you were fucked-up then and much less now. How has Ana taken all this?"
"After our argument at SIP, we went home and fucked each other's brains out. Sex is good to relieve stress, but it also can be a barrier to communication. If I don't want to talk, then I can avoid the conversation by having sex. I still have issues with Leila; I remember my terror when she had the gun pointed at Ana, when she was out of her mind. I don't know how I'll ever rid myself of that image."
"I don't believe she will ever contact you or Ana again. I do believe her reason for seeing Ana was to get to you. She wanted to thank you and see you one last time. Leila has lost her husband, and her lover was killed. You were the last remaining stable thing from her past. She did not expect you to be with another woman who wasn't a sub. From that point, her mental illness took over, causing her to do bizarre things. By seeing you yesterday, she could put everything into perspective. If you had not seen her, she would have always wondered if there was a chance the two of you could have gotten back together. You had nothing to do with her breakdown and a lot to do with her recovery. You have given all you could mentally, and soon your financial burden will be lifted, too. You should be proud of yourself being so generous."
"There you go, John, always making me out to be a better man than I am."
"Do you think for one second Ana thinks you are a loser? No, of course not, to her you are helping Leila, and helping without strings attached except the one about her being on the opposite side of the country."
"Now I know who you have been talking to. Leila talked to you before she flew home."
"I wondered how long it would take you to figure that out. Go home, Christian, your tirades are a bit wearing. You have your beautiful Ana to take care of."
Christian looked at him and said, "Will I ever be whole?"
"I have news for you; we are never whole, complete or never without need. We are human beings with faults and frailties. We all are just doing our best to survive in loneliness and despair. Most of us cope. But the problem with you at twenty-eight is you are just figuring it out now, and the rest of us have had a lifetime to deal with it. Go home, and kiss your wife, and enjoy what pleasure there is."
Christian grew alarmed and said, "It's not a bad mood or a bad client; what aren't you telling me, John? We are friends."
"I thought I could hide it but, just like the new flooring that no one else saw; you could see the chink in my armor. Rhian has been diagnosed with breast cancer. She is so young, and survival rates are not the greatest when you're thirty-four."
"I'm your friend, and I hope I can be of some comfort to you and Rhian. Whatever you need! I don't mean just financially but, now that I have feelings, maybe I could be a comfort to both of you. If you need time alone, Ana and I will take the boys. I'm so sorry, John. You sure know how to put my problems into perspective. Now it's your turn to email me."
John looked up and gave him a half-hearted smile. Christian was devastated.
When Christian picked Ana up from SIP, she took one look at him and said, "Oh, Christian, my love, what is wrong? You look like someone died."
"Rhian, John's wife, has been diagnosed with breast cancer."
Ana just slid into his lap thinking that Christian had never mentioned anyone dying around him, but to him, Rhian having breast cancer was a form of death.
When they arrived home, Ana went to the kitchen and Christian went to his study.
"Gail, I would like to make gin and tonics. We have had bad news, and I think poor Christian could use a drink."
"Can I ask what kind of bad news, even though it's an invasion of your privacy?"
"Dr. John Flynn's wife, Rhian, was diagnosed with breast cancer."
"That is terrible. You go be with Mr. Grey, and I'll bring your drinks."
Ana found Christian in his study, looking at the computer screen, with tears coming down. For the first time, these tears were for someone else; she realized that Christian's compassion was coming out. She opened her arms, and he rushed into them.
Taylor came into the kitchen and said, "Do you know why Christian was so down after leaving Flynn's office?"
"My love, Rhian, Dr. Flynn wife has breast cancer."
"I've never understood why bad things happen to good people. She is young, healthy and will survive. "
"I know this much, Jason Taylor, when you are young, it's harder to cure. I need to take these drinks into the Greys."
"I'll do that; you make us a drink because we do need it, too."
Taylor knocked at the study door even though the door was open. Christian looked up and said, "Thanks, Taylor, tell Gail dinner in about an hour. Sorry it's later than usual; I just need to relax first." Taylor went back to the kitchen.
"Ana, I know I'm screwed up, and our relationship has been short, but I just don't know what I would do if I were in John's place."
"If we had children like they do, you would go on living because of the children. Rhian is strong, and we have to believe that she is stronger than cancer. Is one of the charities you support breast cancer?" He nodded.
"Then make a generous donation in her name, and send her a card explaining your gift. Also, tell her, when she is up to it that we would love for them to have dinner."
"Thanks for making me feel better. I don't know why Rhian's situation hit me so hard. (He handed her a drink.) Maybe coming on the heels of Leila, where I had to admit I had feelings. I know for sure I have feelings about Rhian and John, whom I love like a brother."
She took him by the hand and led him to the great room.
"You're the new Christian Grey, the one I'll always be in love with, who is caring and kind. Let's not be depressed over John and Rhian. Let's be hopeful for the future with them in it."
Christian put down his drink and kissed her. It was a new kiss, full of hope and promise.