The scrawny squirrel hangs limply from my jaws as I pause in front of the river and wait, my ears pricked, my tail curled around my paws, for any sound besides the cold night wind rustling the trees, weakened and lifeless from the harsh leaf-bare.
It really is too cold to just be settled on the freezing ground, the air seeming to pass straight through my pelt and touch my insides with icy claws. Yet, I still wait.
Why in the name of StarClan had I decided this would be a good idea? Well, it was the right thing to do, I though it breaks the warrior code and takes away my sleep every night so that I have to stay outside in the middle of leaf-bare.
What a soul I have.
I prick my ears and look up in anticipation as a splash from within the river alerts me. Still grasping the small squirrel in my jaws, I pad closer to the water's edge, looking more closely, but I cannot see anything in the dark water.
At least, not until a cat, a large muscular tom smelling strongly of RiverClan, emerges from the water and pulls himself onto the ThunderClan side of the river. Well, he's not breaking the warrior code unless he is more than three cat-lengths into our territory, and his scent will wash away once the water laps against the shore.
He shakes out his water-logged pelt and I wince, taking a pace back, as water droplets soak my pelt. Just great. I just really need to be drenched in icy river water all the way to the bone on this already-freezing leaf-bare night, don't I?
Behind him, there is another series of splashes as a slender she-cat clambers out of the river to stand beside him. Mercifully, she steps away to shake her pelt out, before rejoining us and dipping her head gracefully to me.
I drop the scrawny squirrel at the she-cat's paws. "I'm sorry that it might not suffice. I was put on a night patrol and I did not have enough time to hunt. ThunderClan is starving, too, and it is getting harder and harder to find prey."
I don't speak as formally to any of the other cats in my clan.
Even if these RiverClan cats have grown to become my friends, I cannot forget that a border and a world of clan rivalries separate us.
The she-cat surprises me by placing a lick on my shoulder. "You don't know how grateful RiverClan are to you for doing so much for us. Our river is lacking fish, and our clan would have been wiped out already if it hadn't been for your aid."
"My clanmates still do not know I am doing this," I say, guilt wracking my heart as the words leave my jaws. "I suppose my aid will be over if they ever do find out. I think it would be too much to hope that my leader would take my side in this, especially since our clan is coming short of prey, too."
The massive black tom dipped his head. "So again, we thank you on behalf of our clan."
I nod to him, and he picks up the squirrel in his jaws. He nods to the she-cat, who inclines her head once more to me and launches herself into the river water. I shudder. How does she manage to swim in such cold water?
The tom crosses across a fallen tree because he cannot swim with the squirrel in his jaws, surprising me by how gracefully he is able to leap across the the thin-looking branches despite his bulk. After crossing, he waits for the she-cat, who emerges mere heartbeats after he does.
The two dip their heads respectfully to me once more before vanishing into the depths of their own territory.
RiverClan aren't that bad, really. They aren't too proud to accept my help, and actually show some gratitude, and, in return, they have sworn to defend me in case my leader does something terrible to me if and when she finds out what I have been doing.
They send different cats every night. I did not recognize this she-cat and tom, but I usually am able to recognize the sent cats from Gatherings. If I had to leave ThunderClan, I would definitely go to RiverClan. They aren't entirely fish-eating savages, contrary to common ThunderClan belief.
I sigh.
Hopefully I will be able to get my sleep back after leaf-bare is over.
With a yawn that seems to split my head in two, I flatten my ears and turn away to pad through the trees. I am tired, having not slept in days, and now that this little task of mine is over for tonight, slightly earlier than usual, I want nothing more than to collapse into my nest.
No, ThunderClan do not know what I am doing. My leader would probably kill me if she ever figured out these exchanges. That's why the RiverClan cats will support me.
They insisted to help me in such a situation, and I did not deny the offer. But the RiverClan cats do not seem to understand that if my leader does find out, even if she is persuaded to let me live in peace within the clan, I will never be looked at the same way. No one will trust me anymore - and that destroys the entire purpose of having a clan who trusts you and supports you.
My tail is low from exhaustion as I pad across the clearing and toward the forest. I can already imagine the warmth of my nest, the soft moss warming my cold fur, sleep washing easily over me as I close my eyes for the night...
A dark shape materializes from the trees.
Despite the shadows cloaking his face, I can still make out the distinct smirk contorting his features. His voice is cold and comes out in a low growl, betraying all the suspicion and hostility he ever felt toward me. "I thought I might find you here, Nightshadow."
...
My mind slows down.
You followed me here, is what I want to say.
You were always right to suspect me, is what I don't want to say.
I desperately wrack my mind for something I can say, something that I can use to defend myself against him. But what can I say? He saw exactly what I did. There is no excuse for giving RiverClan cats prey without gaining anything visible in return.
Before my tired mind can entirely process what he is doing, he has lunged forward and attacked me, claws fully out as if this was what he had wanted his entire life, bowling me over easily and pinning me down with a massive paw.
Normally, I would have been more than a match for him - but I haven't slept in days, and right now, I'm not sure if I can hold my own.
The edge of my vision goes darker than the night already is as his paw pressed down against my throat. With some stroke of desperation, I manage to throw him off, and I stagger to my paws just as he lunges forward again.
I try to dodge his first strike, but my mind is still foggy from exhaustion, and I am too slow, his claws slicing through my tail. He has tracked me all the way here, and he would expose me to the rest of ThunderClan for two mousetails.
Something rages inside me, sparking once I sense his fury radiating from him. Combined with my panic and desperation, I can almost see a darkness brewing inside me as he sinks his teeth into my shoulder and sends me staggering backward.
"Traitor." His one word says enough, but he continues anyway. "I always knew there was something off about you. I was right to suspect."
I was doing what I thought was best. "I am not a traitor!" I spit back at him, though my breathing comes ragged. "I was simply ensuring that RiverClan does not entirely die out and leave only three clans in the forest. Isn't that reason enough, Aspenclaw?"
"All deceit and lies when it comes to you," he retorts easily.
I stagger to my paws and take a step back away from him. "I can explain. I-"
"There is no reason for what I just saw," Aspenclaw growls. "Other than the fact that you are betraying ThunderClan by using our prey to feed RiverClan."
"I only meant well, and it can't be StarClan's will for-"
Aspenclaw rolls his eyes. "Give me one reason why I should believe a word that leaves those filthy, traitorous jaws of yours." I flinch at the word traitorous, and, as much as I try to hide it, a small smirk creeps onto his face. He has found a weakness.
"You have to. Without my help, they would already be wiped out. I didn't betray any of ThunderClan's information. I only offered to help them feed their hungry clan." Desperation inches into my tone, and the words that leave my jaws sound foreign.
"I heard you. You said ThunderClan was short of prey, just like them."
"No, I-" I stop, right then. I know that he is right, and I hate him even more for it. I did say that, but now that Aspenclaw brings it up, it sounds much worse than the casual exchange between me and the RiverClan cats.
He notices my hesitation, and takes another pace toward me. "And you lied to Ravenstar. She doesn't know that any of this is going on. You act to support another clan without your leader's permission. What kind of a traitor are you?" His voice reveals all the disgust he must feel.
"I had no choice. Don't you see that?"
"And you must have been the one who tresspassed on their territory last moon, wasn't it? Looking for a way to help, with your pure, sweet soul, right?" Aspenclaw's voice drips with sarcasm. "So that Ravenstar could be accused of tresspassing at the Gathering in front of all the other clans!"
I draw in a breath. "I couldn't tell Ravenstar. She would put a stop to it right away!"
Aspenclaw lashes out, claws outstretched, and I barely have enough time to scramble back a pawstep before his claws connect, flinging me with unspoken rage to the ground. I hear myself hit the ground as his claws latch onto my neck.
"Let's see what Ravenstar has to say about this," he growls, his voice low and harsh.
No, he cannot. He cannot tell my leader. She would put a stop to it all, without thinking twice. I cannot let that happen.
I will do anything to keep him from returning to camp.
Anything.
Something is rising within me, something dark that is too excited for me to hold it back. It claws at me, tearing me apart from the inside, until it bubbles inside my throat and slowly rises. I can only see me and Aspenclaw, Aspenclaw and me.
I cannot hold it back any longer.
My claws unsheathe.
I can sense the pulsing fury within Aspenclaw, the indescribable surge of emotion that seems to flood from him in rough waves. I can feel it touch my own building detemination, my own rage and desperation, and entwine in a shimmering web of hatred and lies.
His anger twists into mine, and I realize that I want nothing more than to pull this silk toward me, this silk of deceit and disloyalty. I want it; I want it to rush within my heart and pump blood with a renewed force.
I want it to tear at me, to claw at me, to strengthen me. It sends pain rushing through me, yet I love how it feels. It sparks something inside me, something hateful and dark - something I have never realized I wanted. I want to shatter him, destroy him, until there is nothing left of him to go to StarClan.
With my next painful intake of breath, desperate beneath Aspenclaw's crushing grip on my neck, I can feel something more than just my strength rush into me.
Something stronger.
Something darker.
I lash out blindly, my claws finding their mark at the base of his ear. As Aspenclaw scrambles away, releasing his tight hold, I feel my claws rip away his flesh and blood, which feel warm and somehow soothing against my black paws. I breathe in, feeling air finally rush into my lungs.
This time, I am the one attacking.
I launch myself on top of him, driving him backward, spitting and clawing. Aspenclaw puts up a decent resistance, his claws finding a home in my shoulder, but I know I am stronger. I slash my claws across his face, and let him scramble backward in shock and agony.
As Aspenclaw drops to the ground, he lifts a paw to his bleeding face, and lets out a howl of pain.
I step forward and rake my claws across his flank. My teeth tear off the mangled mess of his ear. I clamp my teeth around his flailing foreleg and jerk it awkwardly to one side, hearing the satisfying crack. My claws tear across his heaving chest.
Bloodcurdling screams leave his jaws.
The sound is so wonderful that I wonder why I have never before heard such a beautiful scream. I want to hear more, to make him shriek in agony when I tear his writhing form apart with my powerful teeth and claws.
I want this. I want to hear him cry out in pain. I want to hear his desperate gasps for breath as he tries to fight back uselessly. I want to see the sparks of light leave his amber eyes when I make my final slash across his throat.
But not yet. I have yet to tire of hearing his agonized screams.
I let my expression change into one of cold indifference as I watch him scream and writhe in agony. His, on the other hand, changes to one of pure fear.
I find delight in this. I enjoy feeling his blood wash against my black paws. I enjoy watching him writhe in pain as he tries to somehow make the bleeding stop, to make the wounds close up as if they were never there.
But that can't happen. Most wounds take long - too long - to heal.
I watch Aspenclaw patiently, a cold smirk creeping onto my face as he shrieks again and again. My claws reach forward and rip into his exposed underbelly, and I feel the flesh tear beneath my claws, and the blood gushing out and pooling around my paws. I want him gone.
Something's wrong. I don't know if this is right, anymore. Was this supposed to happen? Should I stop, or continue to slash him apart for my amusement?
I can feel the darkness filling up inside me, until it is too strong for me to resist.
My claws make their way forward, lingering at his vulnerable throat. I want him to feel pain, true pain. I want him to feel my bitterness in the form of relentless agony. I want to see his mangled corpse buried into the earth, never to rise.
I slash into his throat.
His last scream is cut off as blood bubbles at his maimed throat. His body is stained red, his eyes glazing over.
I almost stumble to the ground at what I see when the blackness clears from the edges of my vision. Aspenclaw is unrecognizably disfigured - disfigured by my claws. Clawmarks adorn his limp body, his head lolling back at an odd angle. I feel as though I am drowning in the river, that there is nothing but black water around me, and that I am just a heavy weight with nowhere to go, nothing more to see in the churning waters.
The fury I thought was in me is gone. Dissipated, like it was never there.
Was I defending myself? I started out that way, perhaps. But I also wanted to destroy him, to hurt him. I wanted nothing more than to bleed away his life at my claws. I got my wish. I saw his blood pool around him and stain my paws red. I heard him scream in agony. I saw his eyes lose life.
I killed him, and now I can never undo what I have done.
What a soul I have.